My Name is Wayne
I Believe this is my Diary...
Purpose;
To record my daily/weekly feelings concerning gambling and associated issues.
To count down Monthly my Debt which without interest is currently £28,500 (ish).
To keep count of Gamble free record of days.
To help others if possible and to feel less lonely period.
I am a addicted complusive progressive gambler that has a serious issue with stoping gambling once started.
I have gambled since aged 7 and started off in penny arcades (when they litterally were pennies)
then onto 2p then 5p then 10p bandits (now called slot machines)
onto 25p then 50p then £1 spin (£75 deal or no deal slots)
to £1 or £2 a spin (rainbow riches/elvis slots and bookies)
to Casino £2 - £5 a spin fork knox/cleopatra/lobsters machines
to roulette playing ponies(£25 a chip) spins for hours on end
to online Roulette and pink panther £8 - £80 a spin bets
to £1000 horse races or £50 trio bets.
Basically worse and worse and worse.
Today i am 2 days gamble free and each day will come here to keep it logged and hopefully take my life back from this demon.
My triggers are boredom and being lonely - coming here should help a small way in alleviating these start offs that lead to hell.
i can't win as i can't stop ----------- so if i don't start i will not need to stop............that is the plan!
Best Regards to every single one of you whom is stuck with this hold on their lives like me - i understand and so will others on here.
elsewhere i don't think anyone else really does get it--------as to be fair it is pretty Fffd up by any standards ------ sometimes when i come back from a bad spend i think how did that happen ---- its like i have zoned out and bang reality of the situation hits....
time to take control back and think logically ..........it won't be easy but we have gotta do it.....i know i have for sure 100% i am on the edge of losing everything and at 29 that is sad.
joined the 2015 challenge and look forward to the 2016 one too....
BYE FOR NOW......Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY 2 GAMBLE FREE
Hi Wayne I am also on day 2. I totally agree with your obsession it's exactly the same principle as mine I have been obsessed with money ever since I was a little boy and exchanging 5p in to 5 1ps and because I had more I would be winning the same concept as the money change. Then later on it progressed into slots and the first time I tried to stop I went to GA and managed to last a year not Gambling then I moved away and when I arrived in the new city I was too scared to join GA or Gamcare as it was not familiar to me. The first year I didn't gamble and thought I had control and then I moved with my fiancΠΒ©e to a rented house which was bigger and more to rent. I had the money to pay the bills but I had less money to myself a week and that made me panic I don't know why I started again I think it was receiving an email about a free bonus I didn't have to pay anything and I won loads on that bonus and tried to claim but could only claim a very small amount and I think that's why I started again as I craved that buzz I had no support anymore no GA no GamCare and I felt so isolated. I lied to my fiancΠΒ©e for 8 months trying to hide my secret and 2 days ago she found a letter from the bank where I had increased my overdraft. I think when she confronted me a huge part of me wanted to lie again as I normally do but I gave in and confessed it was the best thing that has ever happened to me as it proved to me that to be happy and I mean truely happy I need support and a platform and GamCare and GA are them. I am off to my first GA tonight and awaiting my referal from Gamcare. I will always be posting on here now as I have found so much strength already and I am even helping someone whose first time it is and we email privately now and I offer him as much support as I can see I think it's helping him I know it's helping me. Wayne I wish you all the luck in the world and you also have a friend on here with me.
Hello Emily & Alex
Firstly Emily thank you for your kind supportive message and yes i need to find a fill for the triggers of boredom loniliness etc..
Never really been into the gym scene but will have to find something similar soon.
I've just got the new 24 series (live another day) which is currently keeping me busy lol and the title is irony if ever i saw it π
It is really good to hear back from you and alex my new friends on gamcare π
Day 3 of No Gambling and as always wanting it to last and trying to do everthing to make it so.
Why this time will be any different i don't know but i really want it to be.
Kinda scary as before i wanted it to be too - i've done stuff before like walking into the sea to cleanse my gambling away and also tatooed no gambling over my body using henna ink and even drove to blackpool some 200 miles away to put a engraved padlock on the central pier to lock away my addiction (when i revisited later in that year the council had removed all padlocks and banned anymore) which was weird as i had gambled again back then and thought maybe it was because they had broke the lock and freed the beast.....all these things sound mental but it's the sort of stuff i go through to try and stop....
Maybe this diary will prove more reliable.
Thanks again Emily
And Alex welcome - thank you for your post, i really do get the over thinking issue of money and how if only this or that and get carried away and really the logic is the longer you play or gamble even...lets call it what it is ....then the more we will lose as the odds are made against us........to ensure consistant profit for the game makers/hosts/fat cats or whatever we may want to call them.
I look forward to posting more with you and wish you the best in your own struggle - maybe together the burdens will be less difficult than alone.
Off to watch some more 24 series now and get lost in that as got work in the morning so better go.
BYE FOR NOW......Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY 3 GAMBLE FREE
Hello Emily - FInished work early today π so getting ready to party new year style but this time with no gambling.
24 SERIES is the best in my opinion (already watched previously seasons 1 to 8) and now on season 9 on dvd.
(didn't go bed till 7am lol so addictive-----almost as addictive as gambling just not as damaging)
Have a wonderful New year Emily π
Yes lets make 2015 a Gamble Free year..................give jekyll the year and no more mr hyde. π
Takecare and well done.
BYE FOR NOW......Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY 4 GAMBLE FREE in a wee few hours.
today i didn't gamble---my wages went in and barely covered interest charges due to previous gambling and i have had to extend my overdrafts to pay for Car MOT failures work but still not gambled so all is well.
Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY FIVE GAMBLE FREE
Hi Wayne
We have moved your diary to our 'Recovery Diaries' section as you will get more support from others there who are also recording their journeys.
Welcome to the Forum and best wishes for your recovery
Forum Admin
Thank you admin - not really sure what the hell i'm doing with the diary forums as many forums and posts to add to....
all i know is i'm now 6 days gamble free and thats all that counts
Hello Emily
Thank you for posting, Yes new years eve is a hard one to give up drinking for sure lol
Least i didn't gamble so all good.
MOT will cost me about £400 as managed to fix some bits myself but worse time of year for working on cars so can't do everything as too d**n cold.
Sorry about the diary confusion - it's all new to me this blogging lol
I usually find all the comments in the end though and reply.
Together we beating these demons -so happy new year lets keep it going strong x
a small but very real success
each day i add is another success......
Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY 6 GAMBLE FREE
Hello Emily
Thanks for the reply π
Hope all is going good for you still?
Yes i fairly good with cars but cannot do everything myself unfortunately ...... sounds like you have had some fun with cars lol
about as good with them as i was at gambling successfully........yes not very at all.
Yes 8 days as we speak gamble free - a few urges on the way but managed to shout them down sometimes literally.
Today a opportunity presented itself to me where i could watch someone else gamble and i felt trapped as it was like how random is this opportunity to present itself so i made my excuses and found i suddenly needed a takeaway and a trip to the petrol station to escape even it being shoved under my nose - i didn't want it to cause a want or need to screw up so i proudly diverted away and didn't get caught up in the attempted takeover of fate.
freewill i suppose we could call it - the fact i managed to exercise it was a point in the right direction for sure.
Bye for now .
a small but very real success
each day i add is another success......
Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET) DAY 8 GAMBLE FREE
next milestone is 2 weeks....
Thanks Emily - Yes today is day 11.........gamble free
The damage is going to be there for years but in a way thats an extra incentive to keep away from the evil it is......
Still not quite fixed yet.....but less broken i suppose π
Hope your getting on well too?............any urges lately?
Will read your diary when i find it again lol----always losing where every thread is .......
Wrote another poem/song lol..........if you want to check it out .....or do one of your own maybe?
bye for now my friend
Best Regards
Wayne
Day 12 Gamble free - let a stranger i work with know i have a gambling problem today and they were really intrigriged at how the urges sound so strong and found myself feeling a fool saying aloud how much i've lost and when i said what i have actually staked since begining even playing the amount down it sounds an unbelivable amount to have bet to anyone - they look at you as if to say - no way could it be that much- if only they was right but we know how easy it is to lose such fortunes in the frensy gambling takes you too.
Hi Wayne, you do indeed have a lot of 'diaries' π
Non gamblers could not possibly comprehend how this disease messes with our heads...How can they when it makes no sense to us even & we lived the nightmare!
Great swerve on Monday by the way π
Hi Wayne,
Just popping in to say well done on 12 days of winning, and your poems are quite inspiring.
Suzanne xx
Thank you Suzanne, Much Appreciated--- the poems just a bit of fun lol but thanks π
Day 13 Gamble Free ----------NEARLY 2 WEEKS NOW π
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