My Diary of Shame

Hi West, thanks for your kind words 🙂

If you've read some of the crazy you'll know I came to the internet, looking for help, back on 02/08/2014...Strangely enough, I didn't find GamCare, only an American site called Daily Strength. For some reason I was unable to register so instead of jumping in with both feet, I read & read until one day I clicked on a link by Ken, I believe his username is Sunshine & lo I was transported back across the water to my own fair land. I'd gone back years on the other site & now had new threads to read & an interface that worked...There was no stopping me. I spent hours posting, imparting my new found wisdom about barriers onto any diary or new thread that popped up when I hit the refresh which was about a zillion times a day. Looking back now, I can see that much of my ramblings, although well intended, were pretty misguided...I didn't get it. Most people on here were serial relapsers or people like me, doing it our way. I was drawn to Abstain & Maintain. Stepping forwards never back by duncanmac who seemed to have found a way to get through his pain. Although being the obstinate cow I am, I continued for some time believing I was winning the war because I had managed to stop gambling, I accepted that I may not always be able to roll this way. The further along the line I got, the more I have accepted & understood that gambling has very little to do with money.

day@atime was here by then preaching to the effect of "GA or the Highway" (Soz Dan, you know I'm going to explain) & whilst I spent considerable time 'waging war' against his singlemindedness, there was no escaping that he was the one person here with sustained recovery under his belt. Duncs humbled me & Dan pee'd me off yet there was a Serenity through their pages & words that I hadn't really seen elsewhere...Both of them, in the midst of fighting their own demons, willing to give up their time to meet me, a complete stranger & patiently answer all of my questions.

After the euphoria of being gamble free wore off & as more & more people opened their hearts on here & let me into their worlds, I accepted that regardless of what my brain was telling me, I didn't just gamble through greed. I've made life long friends & perhaps long term enemies along the way but all these people have forced me to take a good look in the mirror & address my lifestyle that I thought was pretty ok apart from the d**n fruit machines. I've had down days & dark days since, more hours in bed than a hibernating animal & I've wasted precious minutes catatrophizing about things I have eventually thoroughly enjoyed but every single one of these days has been better than the pit of despair I was in every night before I stopped gambling.

I'm not saying GA has been the making of me, there has been a lot of effort on my behalf as well as that of my friends on my journey but I understand the value of the program now. I can see, maybe several hours later than I would have if I were properly working it, that it's teachings help me to process the meh & the grrrr days. I'm still finding my feet with it all including who or what my higher power is but know that when I am ready to put the work in, the 12 step program is a blue print & guidance that I never had as a youngster growing up in a house of addiction. I'm not @ peace yet but I'm learning that I need to pick my battles & keep my side of the street clean & that people I scuttle past on the street begging for money are you & I if we don't take the help that is out there. People aren't just good or bad, there are many external factors that makes us who we are & it's up to us to make the most of our lives coz life isn't a fairytale, it's a privilege & no-one's gonna come along & wave a magic wand!

I have no idea if that has answered your question or not but hey, ramble not gamble right 🙂

That's all very well Odaat!!! But what about ME!!!!! 😉

Morning ODAAT , hope your happy and well . I just heard your name being sung on the radio and thought I would wish you an amazingly wonderful fun filled weekend of happiness and jolly adventures and of course gamble free .

Ps think they were singing : ' Odaats the way uh huh uh huh I like it uh huh uh huh ' ..... . stephen

Hi Kelly

I think its great that you have not settled for abstinence and strive for more recovery and balance for your life. Though I am not the addict I have had 10 years on the sidelines watching my son struggle ( and has been on an almighty relapse for the last 5 months:( ).

It is more than a bad"habit" and it is more than accumulating gamble free days. You have opened yourself to a recovery without prejudice which I know is hard for anybody (non addicts included). I am glad that GA has provided you with the blueprint. I truly do believe in your room as in mine "it works if you work it".

Just so you know reading YOUR diary gives me hope and serenity for my son 🙂

Have a great weekend!

Cathyx

Great inspiring post Kelly. Agree 100% that simply stopping gambling isn't enough. Until I had counselling, looked deeper into my relationship with gambling and with those closest to me, tackled some difficult issues, made positive changes, I would have just relasped like many other attempts in the first few months.

Hope you are well and enjoying the weekend 😉

What religious group is that then , " The people's front of Judea " :)) .

I think that's the problem Kelly for someone like myself it is about the wording and if I'm honest comes across a little " Cult like " in some of the thing's that's said , which would make me shy away from it without a second glance , It's probably my ignorance as I've never attended a meeting , that being said it's not something I'd dismiss either but maybe I'll hold judgement until the wordings updated and it comes across in an non religious way ?.

You can wreck a great book with a rubbish preface :(( .

xx

The only men in white coat's I have to worry about are the one's who are " Coming to take me away , Ha Ha, Boom Boom , Hee Hee, To the Funny farm where life is good " Sorry !! Got all carried away with a song a little before your time I would imagine ? :))

You don't come across all GA ...............Well , Not much anyway but I'm not knocking that at all Kelly , If youv'e found a better way forward then what's not to like eh and yes thought's are usually scarier than actions ? but you know that old saying on here about " If you hang around Dan long enough ,you'll get converted " ...............? Soz ! No that's a "Barber's and a " Haircut " , You know I'm old and confused so point proved :)) ..

Anyway as long as thing's are good for you that's all that matters in my book , however with regard's your " Moan Jar " and having witnessed your........ shall we say " Occasional disgruntledness " at most thing's worldly on your diary , I really don't think a £1 a months going to cut the mustard do you ? . Have you considered a standing order each month so you can cut out the middle man ? :)).

Thank you for your concern regarding the Hip but it's really come on .......wait for it " Leaps and Bound's ( sorry ) but with 6 more weeks to go before I return to work I had to do something as a project , otherwise I'd go up the bleedin wall :((.

Anyhooz it's nice to hear from you "Special K " , I hope your " Jar " doesn't become too crowded and that life continues to be kind to you :))

Take care

POP's xx

Morning Kelly

Just checking in to say "Hi" and see how you are. I was walking into work on my side of the river and, as I confess I sometimes do, was wondering how you were getting on on your side. Thank you so much for your kind words last week. What you say is always right on the button. Those urges will always come and go and will sometimes be stronger than others. I will never give into them. Urges are nothing more than a hazard of having a normal life. If my calculations are correct you should have recently past six whole months gamble free (your last lapse being on my birthday from what I can gleen from your diary). If that is the case well done as you really deserve it. For my part I will be there in just over a week. I am no longer counting the days so hopefully will fly, as will I right now.

Best wishes,

Mark

Evening Mrs D, time for a cheeky little update methinks...

So, life in the ODAAT household is calm (calm rocks) & although the moan jar continues to take a hammering, work too is pretty bearable!

I had another aarrgghh Sunday afternoon & on reflection recognised that I am a serial interrupter. I've known it for a while but like talking with food in my mouth (with my hand held up to my face, to stop the spray), I appear to have always scooted round the issue - shame on me 🙁

I have asked the NM to stop me when I interrupt but he's so used to it now, I was recognising it yesterday when he didn't. I also mentioned it to the 1st work confidante of my gambling secret yesterday & she kindly stroked my ego saying what I have to say is important...If it is, it can wait!

I am a multi tasker & have been known to 'sing' (you've heard about my singing talents) to background music whilst transcribing but just because I can follow 2 conversations at once, doesn't mean I need to tug @ someone's sleeve for attention when they're concentrating elsewhere nor jump on people's heads so that I can finish their sentences for them! I also do this more when I'm nervous/on the phone &/ trying to impress people especially when I'm out of my depth...I would learn a lot more & therefore be less nervous if I could just shut the bleep up!

I actually managed to get through the anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach by discussing my concerns with the NM of all people (he turned an old lecture of mine out so I could hardly refuse to listen)...It doesn't come easy but I have to accept, I'm not perfect. I can't strive for 5 @ work because I still need to give it my all but taking a step back from blowing my own trumpet & seeking validation all the time will make the 5 days bearable!

I read "we avoid retaliation or argument" in the Big Blue Book earlier which is handy because I want to rip the headphones off of the kid sat near me on the train (with his feet on the seat) shouting his head off into his phone line with equally annoying loud (definitely not Country) music in between the non stop phone calls but I'm managing my anger way better than usual & doing nothing more than periodically giving him Paddington Bear stares (go me)!

Cycled (when I can't freewheel) to the station twice last week, made a Body Attack class yesterday & took my own food into work today...Amazing what a difference doing normal things can make to ones peace of mind. Tomorrow, I may even eat a piece of fruit!

Goodnight all x

You have a lovely way with words ODAAT. Thanks for your comments on my diary 🙂 It's great to see you pursuing recovery and all that comes with it. You give a lot to the forum which I'm sure helps you in your own recovery. Keep inspiring!

All the best

Over in my part of town I often hear the phrase OODAAT, but do not quite now what it means!

How are you Kelly?

As you say, just over a month now until St Ives.

I do know some beautiful places that really make our holiday special and would be delighted to share with you.

Just say the word!

Enjoy the sun, or blistering heat, rather - I understand they will now be calling it the "Bakingloo Line"

Best wishes,

Mark

So back @ work after a 6 day break...Always hard dragging myself back!

Been malingering the last few days & more than happy to stay in bed past noon then mither about still being exhausted! I genuinely am though even though I'm actually sleeping now, so I consulted the good Dr Google & as I sit & tuck into sweets, chocolate & crisps all @ the same time, destined to be washed down with my all time favourite fizzy I am convinced that my circadian rhythm is to blame! It's ok though because apparently this can be cured...Just need to go to bed & get up @ the same time everyday, shoot, if only I didn't have to work!

The NM is on board, again, ever get the feeling this is Ground Hog day & we're gonna try & eat a bit healthier. Got slightly excited by a text assuring me I didn't need to make time for the Golden Arches tonight, promising me teriyaki salmon instead. When I applauded his bravery @ facing the fish aisle himself I was shocked, nay horrified to discover that he had simply opened a can :-0 Why salmon comes in tins @ all is anyone's guess...How one such tin came to be in my cupboard is nothing short of disturbing. Needless to say I won't be dining on his tomorrow's pack up when I get home!

Actions v words is still very much in progress. I was interrupting like a good un today & giving myself a good kick afterwards...Rudeness aside, I do actually talk, well blither, way more when I'm nervous & I flipping hate phones! Fortunately we had a moaning amnesty so the slate is clean for me to bounce into work 2moro full of the joys of Summer & get through a shift without running the risk of having to remortgage!

I didn't make it to the gym but & although I'm not looking forwards to it my bike is patiently awaiting (I hope) my return to the station for the 2 mile ride home...It's not wet, it's not cold, I'm just plain lazy! Even started taking the lift up 1 floor @ work 🙁

Gambling couldn't be further from my mind but I wonder where it would be if the machines @ the service station we stopped @ last night had been on games that I knew. I was absolutely gobsmacked that short of zoning out I physically couldn't avoid them because of the way the corridor was set up. I almost swung for the NM when I told him we couldn't use that services anymore & he just brushed me off saying they'd always been there. I was, of course, being melodramatic & I knew that I'd no sooner do anything than fly to Space but I used my grown up voice to tell him what a fool he was for not giving me credence & I don't imagine he will be dismissing concerns like this lightly again! Seriously, like I need him to give my conviction that I'm not like 'all the others' any weight!

In some respects I'm glad he doesn't 'get it', I would hate for him to be feeling like our forum 'friends & family' but he REALLY doesn't get it & I need him to know that I'm not just a psycho! I may not have realised it @ the time but life was, on some bizarre scale, an awful lot easier when it was just me & gambling to look out for. I missed baby time with madam & the donut because my mum told me I didn't like babies...I do, I love an unconditional cuddle, I just don't want my own. Hell, I propped madam up with cushions on a chair & stuck her bottle in when that's one of my favourite things in the whole world to do, not to mention nearly killing her once 🙁 She was in a Moses basket on the backseat of my car & I was rushing somewhere no doubt when a little blue car decided to do an emergency stop in the middle of Chiswick High Street (I can see it in full technicolor still, over 20 years later) for no apparent reason. I stopped in time but then as we pulled off again, I extracted a silent baby from under the passenger seat...Pulling straight into the side of the road, I'm not entirely sure my heart actually starting beating again until I heard an objectionable roar, no doubt due to being dangled upside down by her leg. We laugh about it much the same way I write it now but I'm not sure I could have lived with myself had she been injured or worse as so could so easily have happened. What idiot thinks a well seat belted in Moses basket is a safe way to travel?!?

The little man was so small he fitted in my hand (they are giant hands) & apart from my beloved Aunty playing hide & seek ad nauseum with madam & a cupboard door I have no other recollection of their childhoods apart from what I have been told & clearly, I didn't take much of that in.

I don't know where all this has come from or why I'm purging now & it doesn't help to get it down if I'm honest, it just makes me feel like a bit of a slit (with an h) but it's all clearly connected somehow & it's gonna be of some importance down the line I'm sure.

And on that, I'm home safe, despite a little timing issue with a kerb that resulted in my having to go back for my cycling shopper & about to get stuck in to some telly that is neither good for the brain, nor the soul! Thanks as always Mrs D for your patient ear, catch you soon.

Maybe the purge did help? Or maybe it's the 2 headache pills I popped this morning? Either way, I'll take it as even an incident with a deceased pigeon earlier didn't put me off my stride for long...I blamed the mutt, of course, but it ultimately was down to poor lead control so he mostly got the whine as I tried to untangle him from the gate! Walking the dog is one of my 'lie in bed feeling awful' triggers...I know not why because mostly I enjoy it? Answers on a postcard please!

I'm rolling solo with that clean slate this afternoon so only a brief few minutes whilst the early team make like Usain Bolt to get through & then hopefully, with no-one there to egg me on, the moan free shift will be chalked up.

Bring it on 🙂

Hi, Kelly,

I can't imagine in a month of Sunday's why you wouldn't want your husband to be anything like me (my ego assumes that's what you meant, at least in part).

re the service stations, you'll need a strong ..... constitution when travelling if you want to avoid service stations with machines. For some reason, pretty much all of them now operate on the assumption that travellers need over eighteen gaming facilities as well as the more traditional facilities. Possibly the former leads to an increased need for the latter.

It's unavoidable, as the adverts are unavoidable and for on line users, the Internet is unavoidable. You're coping, you know that you have choices, you're working on becoming healthier, which is a better way forward than hiding from the unavoidable?

BW,

CW

LOL, not even close CW...I would take him being like you but all I would realistically get would be the hurt, none of the gumption!

I completely agree with the unavoidability of gambling but I can flick a switch on the telly or cross the road to avoid a bookies (which actually have doors), pay for my shopping @ the main tills, I even accept the 'need' for the volume of 'entertainment' required in a service station but I object to having to climb over the d**n things to get to the bogs just as I objected to the glorification of it on the ATM. It is the player, not the game that is very much the issue but I'm still @ the very start of my journey & it's one of my jobs as a CG (with no barriers because the NM doesn't get it) to stay out of the barber's shop! If that's means stopping 1/4 of an hour earlier or later then so be it!