My Diary of Shame

Hi ODAAT just wanted to pop by and say hello i've been away from here for some time, burying my head in the sand and continuing with my path of Alcoholism and return to compulsive ga,bing over the past month so my heads in an ultimighty bad please at minute, but im back and ready to start recovery again hopefully something will click this time, i know i cant drink alcohol or gambling ANYTHING at ALL AGAIN, a thought that personally scares me yet everything about the addictions is negative , if you could see my boys eyes looking at me yesterday as i attempt to get him home in state of drunkiness when it was meant to be a day out for him , it sucking the very less light for my soul, he just sat and stared at me while i bawled my eyes , self pity, it was my rock bottom , it is hopefully the jolt up my backside to recovery , it will haunt me for a long time, sigh addiction

Today I am unable to stop smiling & it's not just because I've finished work...I just saw a little old black lady nudge a snoring Eastern European male on the tube. "How rude?" I thought as the male yawned & sleepily followed her off, clearly not together. I guess just like I have my own commuter 'friend's' (I don't hide from them all, sometimes I nod or chuck my chin up @ them) on the train, people who work regular hours, who stand in the same spot on the platform every morning (exactly where the doors open) & take the same seats on the tube (unless there's some hapless drunk fast asleep in it, still going round & round after last night's merriment) also have commuter 'friends'! It was such an important gesture, imperceptible to many but he could be a doctor going to save a life, or a train driver contributing to keeping the morning rush hour commuters moving or someone who has been working all night...No words were spoken but I have just grasped the importance of doing something for another everyday & not telling the world about it for the obligatory pats on the back.

It also made me think about Stephen's post...That there may well be someone on the International Space Station that has a GamCare diary because just like the London Underground, this addiction brings people from all walks of life together.

#standingwithanarmy

We will have to agree to disagree on that one Odaat, I was so enjoying that sleep and was justifiably annoyed after being prodded like cattle as I was rudely awoken from my dreams with the angels. I'm glad my sleepily yawns bought a smile to your face as I robotically got of at the wrong stop.

Enjoy your weekend

LOL V...Unless you're now spelling your name with a lot of z'ds, it deffo wasn't you. I also didn't notice any strategically placed middle fingers 😉

Hi Kelly hope your well, I've not been on for ages but happy to say still gf and knocking mr g for six if he tries to rear his head x x

Hi kelly, love your little Tube story... made me smile.

Love your point 'No words were spoken but I have just grasped the importance of doing something for another everyday & not telling the world about it for the obligatory pats on the back.' So true. We live in a world where people want a gold medal for a good deed. Sometimes just doing something nice and seeing the difference it makes brings a special feeling. That money can't buy. Not posting about it on facebook for everyone to say well done ha ha.

Hope you are well, you sound like you are with the usual witty banter 😉

So, overdue an update in as much as Thursday was a rubbish day...

I'm back pounding the streets of London (2 runs in 2 weeks, not bad huh) & have quickly established that my tube station frustrations with all the trolleys bankers (with a W) is nothing compared to the stress of trying to get through the crowds @ the London Eye! I understand that people with small children need to cling onto them tightly but seriously, if there are 10 of you, don't just suddenly stop walking for no apparent reason & don't all be on your phones @ the same times...I've seen weaker police lines 🙁 My trainers are as shiny as the day I bought them but my specially made inner soles are now teenagers and were fitted 2 stone lighter and 2 slipped discs ago. I've been putting it off a) because they cost money b) because the place I get them is close to where I used to live (within about 5 minutes of my 4 remaining family members) & c) because procrastination is one of my greatest strengths! So having finally bit the bullet & booked myself an appointment, I arrived with about an hour to spare & as I walked out of the tube, instead of being pumped that I was getting something sorted, I realised I was scared to go back to what was my home for over 10 years! I haven't seen my mum for a while, they (my mum, my Nan & the kids) generally come out to me if I do see them & I know I detest the traffic in the area so I hate driving in from home but I was on the tube & I had time to kill & so why did the thought of going up actually scare me? Obviously, I was being ridiculous & so when I left, knowing I was going to walk past, I texted everyone & I can honestly say I breathed a huge sigh of relief when no-one was in. My mum offered to be back from work in 5 minutes & I said I would catch up with her another time, then scuttled on by, shaking like a leaf, wanting to cry most of the way home. When I made it in, I sat on the step waiting for the NM to get home then promptly had a nosebleed! Weird!

It's 2 days later & I still can't fathom it out although I did drive home from work today (I only work a few miles from there) & just being in what was local traffic to me for so many years did my head in! I'm not sure it helped that this is the most I have spent on myself since Dave-gate or that I'd been charged £20 more for one item (ignoring the another that was £25 less) & bought new trainers that I didn't actually 'need' but even justifying that I have specifically saved up for this eventuality and running almost pain free the night of said purchase hasn't made it any easier a pill to swallow! It's unnerved me 🙁 I know I don't like visiting other people's houses but this was my home once & I hate the thought of being scared to back 🙁 I hate even more that it may be a fear of seeing my mum but I'm crying now which would suggest that I may have just hit the nail on the head. I know, being honest, we've never really been close but since I started saying no to her, she feels like a stranger. My Nan is also 89 this year with the associated health problems you world expect of an octogenarian & I think it scares me that they're not going to be around forever. I guess I still haven't really made any amends...I'm certainly not putting in any more effort than I ever did to be a physical presence to our family unit & I'm ashamed to say, I don't know how to. I don't enjoy their company because there's ALWAYS moaning & griping about money & so much shame involved, not just my own but I feel my mother's too & that is a heavy burden 🙁 I know I need to do something but I don't know how. I guess @ least when I'm @ home I can busy myself with cooking or getting drinks or just being me when they are around...It feels selfish them having to come to me but maybe just actually making a plan instead of visits being done on the hoof would be a good start!

Hi there

Hmm tough one. Family dynamics are weird. With my family dynamics I sometimes feel trapped by what I see as my 'role' - the role since childhood. And in my head I was the sulky teenage boy who felt uncomfortable being around his family - but that was OK then cos that's what teenage boys do. But it's less ok now.

This is really in my head and I don't even think other family members are keeping me there. Although I feel constrained by my role, I stick to my role because that's my comfort zone. On some deep, irrational level..... I want to stay there.

God it's hard to genuinely get out of my comfort zone.

I'm sorry to post all about myself and not really relate it more clearly to you - your post obviously inspired this so hopefully there's something relatable there. Something about taking a more assertive role within the family.

I'm sorry that the issue with your mother is causing you pain. Feeling pain is definitely much better than repressing it. So in that sense I'm glad you're feeling your pain.

I hope you can find a way forwards. It seems like you're going in the right direction.

Louis

Hi Kelly. Just been reading a bit of your diary (I hope you don't mind), and you seem such a thoughtful down-to-earth person.

I can certainly relate to London life as I worked there for many years. The tiresome train journeys, bustling commuters, noisy, brash and anonymous. People watching - summing up (or trying to guess) their status in life, their ambitions, desires and purpose. I used to get home from work and wipe my forehead on my shirt sleeve to reveal a coating of London grime from being within the claustrophobic tube tunnels.

I think maybe you have ongoing problems with your own family and I hope that in time there will be serenity, acceptance and forgiveness. Keep taking care of yourself and thanks for what you bring to the forum.

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One for you odaat..
Marts a kind bloke....but may not take kindly to sharing his chocolate ! lol

That's never going to be enough for " The Chocoholic " Lox , you better practice drawing a Cadbury's delivery truck ! :0)))

So a weird thing happened to me today...

I came back to my desk saying I'd had Wasabi for my Tea (mmmm) to which my colleague said (packet of cigarettes on the desk...& whilst I'm on that subject...Why?!?) he always found that far too expensive. Stupidly, I counteracted with "What with all the overtime you do?" To which I got the obligatory (from a CG) suggestion that he should turn out his pockets because yup how right I was & how amazed I would be by what he had on him. I didn't have the heart to say I would be a) surprised to hear he'd used cash @ a Casino & b) even more shocked if he actually had anything on him because I know he gambles, so before he could tell the tale of "being @ the tables" all night, I diligently turned to my screen & pretended to be working. Undeterred, he made a point of telling me he almost couldn't wake up because he'd spent the night in the casino & I righteously pointed out that it'd be a miracle if he'd walked out with anything! Cue nervous laughter & him telling me that it's a fun night out & a great way to make money. I said there were people @ my GA group that would beg to differ although cards had never been my poison & despite the very self assured "Yes, I am in GA" "No, I've not been there long!" "Yes, deep, I gambled for about 30 years." the daft f****r then went on to bestow the virtues of certain types of gambling on me :-0 Who does that? I listened in awe (of his stupidity) whilst he explained what an amazing player he (thinks he) is & how he makes Loadsa Money (I may start calling him Harry Enfield for those of you old enough to remember) before bestowing his good gambling 'tips' on me...This from the guy who doesn't have days off if there is overtime available!

I wouldn't have been taken in by his bravado even in the height of my 'illustrious' career but it's so weird to hear the words from the pages of this sites & my literature being used to "impress me" & makes me even more glad I was a secret gambler! Next time I work with him, I will address the issue of his lack of empathy (read bs) & give him some pointers of my own along the lines of not giving drink to an alky!

Hi odaat I just think people of all walks of life don't get it. They don't understand compulsive. They think if you stop that's it it's over, you'll never do it again. They don't understand you can't stop and you fight everyday to keep away from it, how much damage it does. More Kevin and Perry? Have a great day!

Hi, ODAAT,

Sorry for being rude and slow to reply to your last post, which was appreciated.

Beware the danger of focusing on fixing him and losing sight of you. I have been advised that there's a person and there's an addiction and attempting to have a rational sensible conversation with an addiction rather than a person doesn't achieve anything. If it's the addiction talking, back off and remove yourself to safe zones.

Take care of you.

CW

Nothing for him to fix CW (he's Johnny Big Bananas) but I need to let him know how insensitive it is to be bigging up something that people attending GA are often fighting to resist.