My Diary of Shame

Time for me now is like gambling was...I want to be able to do it all of the time. Sometimes I lie in bed knowing that I have to get up soon & so then I start trying to figure out how long I need to be up for before I can get back into bed.

Last night, I sat up to enjoy my free hour from the clocks going back (I don’t have the sleeping madness @ night, just the guilt that I should be in bed), intending for today to be a(nother) duvet day. Roughly an hour ago, I was overjoyed to wake up naturally & see the sun shining so I got up. Made it to the telly, watched an episode of SVU & emptied the washing machine but now I’m back in bed because I feel groggy & need to be on a train @ 0530 2moro morning . I have a few things I need to put in the loft (will take roughly 3 minutes), the mutt to walk (from 7 minutes to get round the block, to as long as I can handle because he can literally go all day) & swimming @ half 7 & they currently feel like insurmountable chores. Being here is manageable because I’m in bed typing. As I write, I know I’m going to sort the loft as soon as I locate the relevant number (usually 3) of buses/shop fronts/road signs & a huge part of me wants to get out with the mutt before it gets dark but I know the longer I procrastinate with that, the shorter the walk becomes & the more me time available. Soooo selfish.

& yet, as I type, I know today is habit because I’m not as groggy as usual...I do want to get out & get some fresh air but the devil keeps reminding me I’m going to be tired in the morning. It’s like standing in front of a the ATM & arguing with myself trying to convince myself to go home instead of back to hell. I don’t think I’m sleeping to avoid things because I’m missing out on stuff I like by being here. Part of me thinks it’s because I LOVE sleeping but another part is sure that it’s because my mind thinks it’s the only way to stop feeling tired & yet I know I can push through (if I had to go to work now, I would just get on with it) and not feel any worse. As usual, I know what I need to do & for a change, I’m going to get up & do...Gambling won’t destroy me so why should I!

Thanks for all of your support guys & gals & woofs from the dog who will be spinning round in circles momentarily once he sees me appear in my day clothes 🙂

'Gambling won't destroy me so why should I?'.....yep, you need to kick your b**t into gear 😉 I think there is some self destruction about staying up late...knowing that it is going to make it difficult to get up, you seem to be deliberately perpetuating the cycle. Ensuring that you do feel tired. What about rewarding yourself with TV,AFTER giving the mutt a good walk, or do you want to feel bad about stuff? You say that there is stuff you want to do, but procrastination means shorter walk which means more me time available. So everything other than bed is a chore, detracting from me time? Come on Kelly, rule out physical causes of your wanting to sleep, and then give yourself a shove. You say there are things you want to do...well do them...break the habit of being in bed. Helen

Thanks guys...Keep the input coming, I really value the feedback as it helps me think smarter.

I’m not sure the staying up late is self destruction though...Night time seems to be the only time I ever feel truly awake. Going to bed earlier doesn’t seem to make much of a difference & then I’m annoyed that I didn’t @ least enjoy the evening before. All the physical causes have been ruled out & the advice is get a routine...You can’t have routine on rotating shifts! & on my days off the great plans that I make @ night don’t seem great enough to override the grogginess the following day where the most important thing in my life becomes not feeling tired...It’s my only life goal @ the minute & I know that’s bad but I really do have everything I can have. I’m not able to psychoanalyse myself like some people are able to do which is why I walked back into a GA room a few weeks ago. In the last few days, the potential career decision seems to have fuelled some drive (i.e: today wasn’t a complete washout & the dog got a proper yomp despite the pity party earlier)...It may yet turn out to be career suicide but enough of me is excited about it to have glossed over the frustrations of my current position. I hope the next few days feel as positive - ODAAT

Hope it's been a good day Kelly

“A second chance means nothing if you haven't learnt from your first mistake!”

“Recovery doesn't require that we be the best all the time, only that we try our best all the time!”

Hi Kelly. Hope you are feeling fine. I get what you mean about working rotating shifts and tiredness. I'm on 2 days, 2 nights, 4 off at the moment. But many years ago I worked 6-2,2-10,10-6 which was the worst! Body and mind being pulled and pushed in all the wrong directions. Forever tired.

The other day I had to explain to my OH why I seemed drunk after 4 pints of cider. When my body is playing catch-up, having eaten just one small meal in 40 hours. My morning is her evening!

Anyway, I really hope you work out your job/career etc. Personally, I don't see myself working shifts for much longer.

You know I've always had a lot of admiration for you Kelly. You was one of the 1st to greet me on the forum and your knowledge and application is second to none. What's more you shine out as an ambassadoress for both GamCare and GA. Good on you.

Spent a good for days reading through this thread. Very inspiring - Thank You.

“Remember today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday!”

I’ve just watched a couple of my programmes, SVU...One where Rawlings is “sleeping with” her sponsor & the other where a Heroin addict has been carrying round the burden of not being able to protect her kid sister from a narcissistic mother. I’ve not used that word before but I know it’s right even though I couldn’t begin to give you a meaning. I’ve watched them before but never actually seen them & in the middle of all this, someone in my GA group posted a link about 3 types of people. I will try & add it because before I’d even made the end I knew I needed to pass it on. In the absence of a less aggressive word, I will stick with the term ‘unique’ to describe my relationship with my mother...I know she may not have always been there for me or given me the best guidance but when all is send & done, I also know she has kept me safe & would die for me if she needed to. It’s very sobering (as much as a teetotal woman can use that word) to be finding my way along a smooth bit of recovery path.

Work has the potential to be incredibly stressful & I’ll be honest & say that although I’m not feeling it mentally this last week or so I had a pretty good nose bleed yesterday (the sort that you have quite innocently in the street whilst battling with the packaging from your Chinese takeaway to stem the blood flow & expect to walk past it again an hour later to find it taped off & protected by some 12 year old kid on work experience in a Copper’s uniform) so my body knows that it’s not all sweetness & light. I’m reading The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate (acute accent on the e) @ the minute...It started all very easily with little words & case studies that I completely related to but has gone all scientific on me now with long medical terms that I neither understand nor care for & yet as much as I snort @ it, I’m fairly confident it’s research & not just propaganda. It’s in my work bag for when I remember on the train that I’m not meant to be a mental loafer anymore & I’ve purchased Russell Brand’s new book for bedside reading instead. Pretty surprised to have read in the reviews that I may need a dictionary to translate half the words since most of what I’ve read so far counts as foreplay where I’ve come from (only I didn’t really grow up on a swear farm) but then I am only on page 4.

Not sure why I didn’t post that on 04-11-2017...Probably planned on finishing it but the moment has passed so you can have it in it’s incomplete glory Mrs D.

I’m back because of something Duncs said:

“I walked into a kitchen that could have and should have been a great deal cleaner,but I didn't complain to anyone just got on with straightening it all back out. Tonight I have left it fully stocked and in doing so I have done my best. The cold truth is once I leave next week I know that the kitchen will never be kept as clean as it should be because nobody else really has an equalling work ethic, but I except that I cannot change the things that are beyond my control and for me as long as I uphold my own work ethic that really is all that matters.”

I have struggled with other people’s work ethics for some 20 years...When I 1st started working, I had an appraisal along the lines of me having standards that “others will not reach.” It was fab for my ego & although many people have measured up & surpassed even my highest ones over the years, they are my standards & I don’t set them by anyone else so who am I to expect other people to set theirs by mine. I have moaned a lot about other people’s laziness on here (if you can’t see it, maybe I have thought about it more than actually been bothered to write it out loud) but today I am @ peace with picking up the pieces. It makes me work hard, self neglect & often get off late but I have a reputation to uphold & my employers deserve my best because from the age of 20, whilst addiction ran rough shod over my finances, this job kept a part of me grounded enough to survive relatively unscathed.

For those of you struggling right now, persevere, it really does get better - ODAAT

I’ve just finished my 4 days off & late last night, 01 something to be precise, I lay restless in bed thinking how still my mind was & bizarrely wasn’t remotely concerned about the alarm going off @ 0400 hours. I only have one early start as our Christmas visits start 2moro but I don’t think it’s that...I actually feel like I’ve had a normal few days.

I’d like to say I’ve been going to bed @ a sensible time & getting up early but that would be a lie...I did see one of the mornings but that’s because I had to go into work for a few hours. I’ve swum & done a class (thoroughly recommend Zumba Strong for anyone wanting a high intensity workout with music - it’s my favourite new class), been shopping (about 27 times), stayed up until 0500 putting up the Christmas tree etc, cooked BBQ pulled pork (well, put it in the slow cooker) & done macaroni cheese (without a packet), as well as taken the dog to the park (Ashridge Woods actually which we’ve had on the doorstep the whole time & never appreciated) with the NM (something I’d gotten out of the habit of doing because why should I walk him anymore often than was necessary).

I also saw my Chinese doctor on Wednesday...I said yes to the extra 15 minutes of massage taking my treatment cost to an eye watering £65. I don’t know if it’s a case of having nothing tangible to show for my money that makes this type of spend so difficult but @ some point during my treatment, when I wasn’t concentrating on not wriggling away (anyone who has spent any time having ligaments in their groin massaged will know what I’m on about) I decided that even if he didn’t get round to my neck & shoulders (my Chinese is not so hot so I tend not to ask questions in the treatment room), £65 for an hour of intense physio on an injury was pretty good value since my chiro charged £40 for 15 mins. He was good to the receptionist’s word though & my back was suitably pummelled & maybe that’s part of me feeling @ peace. I had an old chiro many moons ago that used relaxation techniques so I’m not adverse to the odd bit of alternative therapy! I hate being injured, it upsets my status quo of grumpy & makes me even more irritable than usual.

We also had friends round last night & as much as almost 2 years olds are hard work, it was lovely to see him marvel @ the Christmas decorations, not quite so much fun watching him re-arrange the Christmas tree but he was so gentle with the decs, I didn’t have the heart to freak out.

I had been going through a phase of “why me” everytime I did an early...It’s been me for almost the last 25 years but I’ve spent a lot of time @ my pity party since I started recovery. Getting the last parking space, seeing the train being standing room only as it got closer to London, other people being @ work before me, nothing stopped the “woe is me” but today as I scraped the ice off of the car & drove to the station, I felt @ peace.

Even my late off today hasn’t damaged my buzz 🙂 I’ll take it - ODAAT

Hi Kelly, thank you for the post, I hope your well, wanted to say a big thank you for all your inspiring words when I first came here, the support and the laughes. You are an amazing person and your story was one of the first I read, I’m happy to say gamble and smoke free and in a much better place for it. Have a super xmas that you so derserve x

“When you are going through something hard & wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test!”

Hello ODAAT and happy festive greetings. Congratulations on your approach to recovery, there's fire in your belly and a twinkle in your eye. I imagine your guardian angel will be well pleased.

Walking the trails of Ashridge Woods before she cooks the christmas puds.

Energised & up for Zumba twirling round with jive n rumba.

Stretching to enhance the feeling, pressure points and gentle healing.

“When you are going through something hard & wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test!”

Love this...something to think about during those all too often "quiet" times when I wonder... Is anybody out there?!?

Your posts to others struggling are filled with so much experience and wisdom Kelly. I hope newcomers grab the rope.

Cathyx