My Diary of Shame

If I didn't live an ocean away I would love to buy you a glass of wine to celebrate your 1 year... You go girl!!

So happy that you walked through the doors to GA and found the tools to build an incredible new life. Kelly 2.0 🙂

Merry Christmas

Cathyx

Well done Kels, your attitude to recovery is admirable, always willing to be challenged. Proud of you x

Kelly
From the bottom of my heart I will never be able to thank you enough for the support you offered me this past year.
Let's not let that promise to dine slip past because for me it would bring only regret.
I hope next year you find further peace within yourself.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs, a few texts don’t seem worthy of your thanks but I’m honoured that you knew I was there! As always, your words truly humble me for if it weren’t for people like your good self, I’d still be enshrouded in uncontrollable addiction rather than where I am today.

And that is, a beautiful place 🙂

I rushed home from work to see the New Year in with the NM, a cup of Joe & some Rich Tea Fingers (yes for all you wonderers out there, it’s me who buys them) & it feels like this is the 1st time ever that I haven’t been stood out in the freezing cold surrounded by strangers or watching the fireworks alone. We only sat on the couch & watched the break in CHIC performing (which is almost as incredible as the fireworks by the way) & I wondered if they really are the best fireworks I have ever seen or am I just in a much better place now.

It has been a good year for me & although I’m still very far from striving forwards, there have been many baby steps which, unusually for the over achiever that I like to think I am, mean more to me than I ever would have thought possible.

I’m still brandishing my metaphorical broom @ other people’s sides of the street rather than my own & getting so involved in putting other people down that my head is in danger of not being able to fit through the door much longer but I’m starting to recognise that I’m doing it (embarrassing) which means I can do something about it. I’m also still sleeping way too much & using my outside voice excessively @ home but I’m not aiming for perfect (been there, like to say “I done that” but turns out I was deluding myself), after way too many stagnant years, I’ll take progress & wear it with pride!

My New Year’s resolution(s) remain unmade & therefore unbroken but hopefully everyone is with me when I say “I haven’t gambled this year!”

HAPPY 2018 EVERYONE...May it be filled with peace & hope for us all - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT - Happy New Year! And thank you so much for the support you given me since I joined. It's always hard to communicate just how grateful I am - but thank you a million zillion times over.

Best wishes

Equinox

Kelly,

Happy New Year girl. 🙂

Hi,

I am still reading.

Happy New Year to you. Thank you for your support in the past. I've read your diary from time-to-time and I'm glad you're getting on with life instead of the *alternative*

Mm

Dear Kelly,

Just wanted to wish you a happy new year and to congratulate you on hitting a year gamble free (on my birthday)!

Here's to another good year. Always rooting for you. Always here for you.

Markmanxxx

How are you?

Last night I was howling with grief...I woke the dog up, I woke the NM up, hell, if I weren’t in a Cornish village in the middle of winter, I would have probably had the emergency services knocking on the door. 2 nights prior to that, I’d ‘woken’ from some sort of a fever induced nap feeling like I was in a swimming pool. Not only was I drenched head to toe but when I’d finally found something alternative to wear, I couldn’t find a dry space in the bed but I was so exhausted, I was forced to climb back into the puddle I had created. I hoped against hope that ‘sweating’ out whatever it was had been left in the office just before Christmas would send me off to the land of nod but no, the same 3-5 second clips of work garbage & “quiero dormir” discussions were back on loop like my brain was stuck! Sleep claimed me about 0400 as I knew it would & there I stayed until I was awoken for some fresh air @ midday! This was my 5th, maybe 6th night of no night sleep. The day after that, my cold/flu, whatever it is had clearly broken, I’d had plenty of fresh air, good food & still couldn’t sleep. Had a momentary glimpse of sweating something out but not on the same scale & morning light did it’s thing.

Following that, I dragged myself up @ midday, stayed out in the fresh air for 2 hours, read instead of sleeping in the afternoon when I was exhausted, watched telly, sat up colouring until bedtime & boom nothing. I know that crying when I’m feeling “under the weather” is really bad but the grief was washing over me like tidal waves. The nicer the NM was, the more bereft I became & loud, wracking sobs ripped through me. I could have gone next door before they came & done them into a pillow but I needed someone sane to tell me I wasn’t mad?!? I felt mad, breathless & frustrated & these crazy clips still going on over & over & over like a jammed record player & all I can think of is how can it have felt like such a short time ago when I was @ home noticing that my mind was still & that if I had been 30 years younger, I would have been screaming for my Mum like I was the 1st & only time I have ever had flu. I don’t know where she was but I ended up calling ‘my dad’ I was that far gone!

At 0630, after about 30 controlled breaths (usually only manage 3 & the fight or flight resolves itself) I got up & took the dog out for a walk. I felt calm, he was happy & yet, it was still a considerable time later before sleep claimed me.

Today, I’ve done nothing, a big fat zero, apart from get out of bed for an hour to go for food...I deserve to feel c**P because I’ve bought it on myself but I really really need just a few hours where I feel human. A few hours where I want to be awake & go for a walk or do something, anything...I want drugs. I’ve never touched them in my life. I have paracetamol & ibuprofen for whatever this thing is that won’t leave me but they’re not sleeping tablets so there’s no point taking them. I want the peace & calm of sleep to stop the tears rolling down my face making my headache worse, I want to close my eyes & my brain to stop whirring, playing pointless clips of nonsense over & over & over again. I’m pretty sure I must be depressed, only I have nothing to be depressed about & this time it feels like when I go to the doctor, I’m not gonna ask for help to stop sleeping but refuse to take drugs, this time I’m going to go in there & beg on my hands & knees for him to stop this! How can a 12 Step program, stop the nights being so painful? How can I work a 12 Step program when I can’t find a sponsor? Why do I even need a sponsor? Surely doing something on my own is better than nothing? What is talking going to solve anyway? I have NOTHING to complain about & yet, for the 1st time in my life, I really can’t cope.

I had a text this morning:

“I didn’t realise how sick I was until I got abstinent!”

Am I sick or just a spoiled little brat who can’t cope when I don’t get what I want, even if I don’t know what that is? Does jacking in contraception after years of constant use have anything to do with this? Why do I feel like I’m the calmest person in the world 1 second & unable to contain my emotions @ night. When did night become my enemy? Does it really have anything to do with not being able to share a bed...In which case, would I be ok now if it were a double like the spare @ home.

It’s 02.29 Saturday 06.01.2018 & although I’m not exactly thrilled to be lying in the spare room awake, @ least I’m not beside myself anymore. Is this starting my ‘second year’ of recovery all over again because I was a dolt & wanted to do things my way? Is this a symptom of not being able (well, I could pay for an incredibly slow internet connection but why waste money) to get online which could still be my go to addiction? I have zero inclination to gamble, it never was my go to vice for sad times (& in any case, this was my safe time for all those years) & although I am happily suggesting I will take drugs, I’ve had plenty of time to get to the Chemist & do something about it but I know that’s not the answer. Whether I accept it or not, the evidence points to gambling having done this to me & I need to find a solution because I can’t remember the last day when I didn’t feel like a Zombie & I don’t want life to pass me by anymore.

So Friday night/Saturday morning angst ended about 0900 hours & I stayed in the pit until early afternoon again then hit the beach before cutting the trip short & getting back to the sanctuary of my own bed. No sleep Saturday night either but calm was restored miraculously restored Sunday & I managed what has become in my world a fairly normal day. No sleep Sunday night but I didn’t really mind because I was on earlies yesterday & just knew that the second I hit my P it after work I’d be out light a light...Didn’t happen & so this morning I sit wearily on the 0530 contemplating life again.

One of our recent group posts was: One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to try harder...Or just turn & walk away!

I’m still hoping for an easy way out of this & am reminded time & time again it’s not going to come...I don’t like it but I accept it & I’m not giving up!

You’ve got a superb way with articulating your thoughts in a colourful way.

Physche talk doesn’t sit comfortable with me, but my take on the above is that your breaking through to another realisation and the safety valve has blown.

That hard decision you mention above whether to try harder .... or just turn and walk a way is something we all go through, I’ve read it in my posts and read it in others and also had that over whelming child like feelings that ‘ it’s not fair and I can’t do this ‘ . Battling them emotions and thoughts you’ve colourfully explained above obviously wouldn’t of helped with the flu like symptoms and insomnia, enough to send any one nuts, but as I wrote that maybe there all connected and your pushing through another brick. It’s been said many times that this isn’t easy, which is more intangible than given credit for as abstinence is the key we’re told, but is it or is a torch to help you towards re(dis)covery.

A little random psyche post there Odaat but I wish you zzz and I know steady calm waters are a head of of you .

Hi, ODAAT,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having such a bad time of it.

There is such a thing as crying because there’s something real to cry about? I think we’re about the same age and I don’t like any hormone related suggestions, (especially from Himself), but it might be prudent to check the physical side? And flu’s always vicious. It passes, but while it lasts...And codependency has had me in a bad way...that one needs addressing, it won’t go away. And you work shifts less than locally, that generates its own pressure?

re sponsor, I share your pain, I’m still looking for one. There’s a dearth of experienced women who have worked the program, maybe more in CoDA but not met one yet. I believe that it’s easier in the US although that doesn’t help here. Do you go to meetings in London? There’s a wider choice of meetings and a wider pool of potential sponsors. Yes, you do need one, for the same reason that no one can be their own HP without their ego thinking that it’s their job to run the universe. It’s not possible to self sponsor because sponsorship involves that external perspective.

Before I started meetings, I ordered a lot of CoDA literature on line and I read it regularly, it helps. And I’ve done a lot of other reading round the subject, Melody Beattie? Or Pia Mellody? I bought second hand copies on line? For which I get that you need an internet connection...

One suggestion that I’ve read re therapy is to find a former addict with suitable qualifications? My therapist wasn’t and there was an element of imbalance, with her wisdom being dispensed to me from on high? Equality is better.

Wish you serenity sooner rather than later.

CW

Saddened to read you have not been feeling well ODAAT. My thoughts are with you and hope you soon feel better ...stephen x

Hi ODAAT - I'm really sorry to read that you've been through a nightmare of a time. Such a terrible start to 2018.

I understand what you mean when you say that sleep has become an enemy.

About 2 years I started to suffer insomnia and night terrors, like panic attacks where I'd dread going to bed. The problem seemed to arrive from nowhere and it was hard for me track the reasons behind it. On the surface, my life was all good - so these anxieties would make me feel like some dissatisfied brat who must be looking for something to worry about. My doctor did put me on sleeping tablets (which I was really grateful for - and still take twice a week) and offered anti-anxiety / antidepressants - but I said no to these because I wanted to try to tackle the problem without taking any mood altering medication.

It sounds naff - but I find a huge comfort in the Headspace app. Mindfulness is everywhere at moment and it feels naff to even mention it, but it's worked much more for me than therapy. A monthly subscription costs just a few pounds.

I find it similar to the idea of having a sponsor - because the app allows me instant access to a calming voice that will try to guide me away from all the draining and pointless thoughts that can clog up my head. I've come to realise that my thoughts are my worst enemy - when I want to gamble, it's a thought, when I feel anxious or negative, it'll be framed as a thought - so anything that helps to quieten them, I'm really grateful for.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help - as you've been such a massive help to me in my gambling struggles.

I hope today is a better day for you and you get a better sleep after work.

Take care

Equinox

That’s an interesting take on it V, my safety valve has blown! It even makes complete sense which is nothing short of a miracle for something you have penned 😉

I did wonder about the hormones CW, especially having just abandoned The Pill for more natural forms of contraceptive (abstaining...I’m a huge fan, NM, not so much) but with calm being restored I’m dubious about wasting more of the Dr’s time. I’m planning a last ditch attempt @ an afternoon nap (which don’t evade me as a rule) & will be seeking solace in a bottle of Night Nurse in the wee small hours should I fail. I did a little ‘see how poorly I am’ demo for the pharmacist to ease my conscience as I guiltily handed over my card, fairly safe in the knowledge that I won’t be abusing it since I’ve tasted better flavours of washing up liquid but still a little dubious about my rationale.

I’ve been appalling at attending meetings because & not limited to, the ones near me are all therapy only...I don’t do freestyling very well @ all & if I have questions, I want them answered even if it’s just speculatively. Never thought about giving CoDA ones a chance & I can’t bear the thought of being in London any longer than I need to be but accepting now that I may need to broaden my horizons. I struggle with literature having advanced from Enid Blyton directly to Mills & Boon but will be re-ordering Russell Brand & not lending it out before I’ve tackled it but again, it’s theory. To hear me talk you’d be forgiven for thinking I was an Olympic athlete so I’m very keen to put some action to my very many words /excuses!

Stephen, thanks for your well wishes.

Equinox, my good friend LB recommended that App yonks ago & I have downloaded it but only done the 1st exercise. It’s not remotely naff & when people get as sick as we are, we’d be daft not to explore any potential safe avenues of release so never fear making suggestions...People can choose not to hear like “we” do with so much stuff that gets posted. Help is what we make of it so just knowing that you are here, sharing your stories & supporting me means no apology is ever necessary!

Duncs, Dan...As always in your debt!

Joan & Markman, sorry I haven’t dropped by...You are both very much in my thoughts & I will be visiting your diaries over the next few days to pay homage.