My Diary of Shame

Just occurred to me: I know I have to train to get fit, why should my mind be any different...I can’t just hope it better.

Thank you ODAAT for your post , I have spoken to my three grown children over Easter to see how they feel about their childhood growing up with a gambling mother , even though I kept it secret then they could tell something was wrong , my daughter said it was like I was pretending to be happy , I was always stressed about money although the children didn't know what was wrong , it was not as bad as it has been the last couple of years , so I always managed to provide for them , but emotionally they all suffer from anxiety and stress which I feel very deep regret about , I thought because they were so young they were not affected but they were. All of them hate gambling with a passion and are 100% behind me and want me to stop for good this time , and I am totally committed to recovery , hope you are well and enjoyed the easter break .. Pink

Hi Kelly,

I’m back like a bad smell, first and foremost you’re amazing at this recovery business, as for me? That’s another story, the difference between yourself and me and probably 90% of people who attempt recovery is you never let up, throwing everything you can at this demon, now embracing GA is a case in point, truthfully you only get out what you put in regarding any kind of success in beating this and you’ve been relentless, admiration Junie.

as for me I’ve not been in a good place at all, on and of the gambling wagon culminating in a meltdown Grand National day not that I had a bet in the race, no that’s for the once a year pin stickers, not proper punters like me, YEAH RIGHT,

So I’ve progressed like any addict from one form of poison to another, as you might remember Kelly my preferred preference for punishment was the bookies, horses, dogs, the odd football bet now progressing to online casinos, you can fill in the blanks from here, you’ve heard the outcome thousands of times on this forum, sadly I’m no different, no excuses from me Kelly I except full responsibility for my actions and am disgusted with myself to still be at this for all these years, I’m starting over with the thoughts in my mind of the way I felt when I started my first Gamcare recovery doing over a year alongside you Sandra, Suzanne, Ade, Duncs and others, I can vividly remember how I felt during this period, happy, free, invigorated, motivated, unstressed, sleeping, eating, and smiling, I want all that back Kelly, I’m not letting up on this goal anymore, I’m not day counting, although the grand national is a huge milestone...I had to request a new password and noticed my join day guess when it was yep GN day

Keep being successful Kelly

OAU The Ginger One

Resentment has come up again today, it’s a huge part of recovery working out how to stop people/things/situations living in our head rent free & I can honestly say, since I have started praying when I notice a resentment creeping in, they are so much more manageable. As one of my many beloved sayings go, “there’s no point drinking poison & expecting the other person to die”!

Thought I would drop a couple of my messages on here that came from my heart & reminded me why I am grateful for being an addict...

“It’s hard not to resent people who have hurt us/blame them for making us the way we are but if we step back & look & only the good stuff we have been “given” it makes it harder to hate anyone for the bad.”

“I turned out ok”

Thank you so much Kelly, I’d love to take you up on the Evian pact, I’ll post to you later about the trials and tribulations of my recovery..,KTF Kelly

You sure turned out ok

OAU Gingergaz

Hi Kelly

Ok where do I start?... it was early March when I started slipping back into my old ways proper, up until then I been doing quite well, acting responsibl by carrying little cash and Totally abstaining from the bookies, but like I said Kelly I’d been dabbling with online casinos, and my use of them was getting progressively heavier in respect of time and money.

I went on a bad run, deposit after deposit chasing like a madman emptying my bank account and maxing my c/c leaving a balance of only £22...I sank into a depression so deep that I for the first time considered ending it all, I was so scared Kelly ..I spent 3 days in bed unable to function sweating, shivering sleeping I never ate a crumb in those 3 days, I truly think I was suffering from shock, of all my antics over the years this meltdown was life changing in sums and scale.

Day 4 it’s time for me to sort myself out (for the umpteenth f*****g time) I left for work with absolutely no intention of going, instead deciding to spend my day in coffee shops and reflecting on what I’ve done and how the hell do I come back from this.

My head pounding with copious cups of caffeine l decide I’m not gonna let this do this to me anymore I’ve got to fight on starting with withdrawal and self exclusion... I logged on requested withdrawal of my £22 balance as soon as that’s approved I’ll close the account and start recovery this time for good.. within a few minutes I get an email asking me to verify my account?...this account is already verified I’ve had emails telling me such, I attempt withdrawal again but yet again I get an email asking me to verify my account.... Then an email pops up, important message from blah blah casino, I decide to give it my time purely because of the headline important... it was from the responsible gambling dept asking if I was ok I the sums I’m wagering and if so could I provide evidence of this with either a copy of my bank statement showing salary or a HMRC return...I replied that I was gambling well beyond what I could afford and no way was able to supply the evidence they required regarding responsible gambling.. they email back pretty much immediately saying they’ll be in touch...30 mins later my phone rings with a call from Malta, it’s David the responsible gambling manager, asking if everything is ok ..i reply it isn’t, tbh Kelly I’m not interested in making small talk with anyone I’m more concerned with why their not allowing me to withdraw and keep asking for verification when this account is supposedly verified... David says he’ll look into it and call me tomorrow. The next day true to his Word David calls me and is quick to apologise and say that they haven’t handled this well and after consideration they feel that this account should be closed AND ALL DEPOSITS RETURNED...emotionally and physically drained I’m absolutely speechless ...after a little detective work I figured out why they decided on this.. I’d Previously self excluded from a sister casino and consequently I’m excluded from all casinos in the group... that’s why I was unable to withdraw.

Kelly if I was a Ginger Tom I’d have used all my lives by now..that “are you happy with your gambling” email is my wake up call, I feel it’s a sign ... a piece of good fortune that I must cherish forever... Kelly I’ve been thrown a lifeline and I’m not letting go.

My last transaction was ironically April fools day, so our Evian day is 1sts May 😉

Thanks so much for being there from day 1 Kelly

OAU the grateful Ginger one

Hi Kelly

The GA protocol makes absolute perfect sense, i can only imagine the highs and lows spoken within its walls, and I have the utmost respect for every man and woman who have taken the step, GA has always been the Ace up my sleeve no pun intended when it comes to recovery, I’ve always thought to myself if all else fails then I must go to GA and to be honest Kelly if I’m not in the last chance saloon now when will I be?

If I drop this particular baton I’ve been handed then frankly I deserve everything I get...I’ve got blocks in place, limited access to funds, a list of jobs to do around the house and a trip to B&Q on the horizon, plus the smell of optimism in my nostrils 😉

It’s So true Kelly the feeling of euphoria doesn’t last forever, so working on how to deal with any trigger points when they come is the key to success for me... keeping busy is the big one for me..so it’s busy busy busy from now on 😉

And as I completely ruined Easter not only for myself but for my family, I’m so I’m looking forward to the mayday bank holiday to make amends:-)

I’m taking Ade’s advice, if I do look back I promise not to stare;-)

Can’t you tell I’m a Wednesday child Kelly...full of woe:-))

One thing before I go are you being honest with me Kelly if so I feel the privilege, but swapping the red and white stuff for bleeeuu even if it is Evian day is humbling..thanks Kelly

I’ll tell you to and I know you will KTF

Thanks Kelly OAU Ginger

So I had a grumpy day yesterday! No apparent reason for it & no more thought given to it than I give to going for a run but I was aware of it & kept trying to distract myself when I felt my eyebrows furrowing just in case it tried to catch me out. Didn’t stop me snapping the NM’s head off but equally, it didn’t stop the swift apology either, something which was sorely lacking in my rants of bygone days.

1 gloriously busy night shift later, stepping out into the sunshine with a smile on my face, it occurred to me that yesterday’s mood may well have been in part due to the eagerly anticipated (not) 3 x 12 hour night shifts which once again leaves me wondering just what is wrong with me! I love nights & even better I knew I was going to be rolling solo which meant not only could I have the blinds up & the lights on I could also have the telly off! This recovery is a strange thing. To my mind the way I like it is how it should always be (I mean, we’re @ work ffs, not at home), no shoot em ups or racing cars or boxing or someone else’s very personal choice in music, or face (including nose) picking or eating loudly or beaching, just me & my work, & yet I find myself putting up with everything that annoys me (in the office) these days, seemingly so as not to hurt other people’s feelings?!? Never mind the who are you & what have you done with Kelly, I’m serious, I’m softening & I’m not convinced it’s entirely healthy!

Part of me gets that no-one should have to like things the way I like them & I am trying to fit myself into what is but nights like last night bring it home how much I hate that place when I don’t have control! I may not be the arbiter of the Universe but if I was, I would make sure all office workers have good manners & be generally mindful of each other, including not leaving rubbish (all rubbish not just the S****y bits of tobacco & smoking filters which is more disgusting than a t**d to someone who was dragged up in a household like mine & has developed phobias around such items) on the desks! I was gonna say don’t get me started on the kitchen but I can’t leave that out...If anyone tried to walk away from a microwave in which they had even thought about letting their food explode, I would have said food spontaneously combust in their hands & all the milk thieves (you know who you are) would find the product of even the freshest cartons turning sour as it hit their cuppa/cereal/personal containers. Food thieves would find themselves spending an inordinate amount of time in the little girl’s room when they got home & the biscuit thieves would be inexplicably drawn to the posh biscuit aisle for replacements...packet per biscuit. The backstabbing & bitchiness can stay because what’s an office without something to moan about 🙂

Anyway, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m feeling lots less grumpy this morning & actually looking forward to my cycle home!

Have a great bank holiday weekend everyone & don’t forget your suncream & water, it’s shaping up to be a scorcher!

GamCare have hurt me today & I can’t decide if it’s because I’ve been naughty & deserved a telling off or because I think I have been made to look bad by having asterisks in posts where I have used innocent words 🙁

Once again, another disappointing disagreement about the ludicrous censorship of words that have alternative meanings on a site where we openly talk about addiction & the lows that it brings including prison & suicide! I have been threatened with moderation if I ‘continue’ to try to by pass the profanity filters, like I do it everyday without a word of understanding or explanation as to why, once the words were clearly not being used in a derogatory way, that they could not simply be released from the censor?

I know it’s 2moro’s chip paper & it’s outside my control but bizarrely enough, I can currently feel the tears pricking my eyes as I type but admittedly, I am on 12 hour shifts with travel disruptions so I could just be feeling a tad sensitive.

We had a discussion about addiction in the office today, as so often happens when a packet of biscuits disappears in 3 seconds flat & one of my colleagues who was completely on board with the physical craving for food, drink, drugs, etc was scratching his head & re-enacting someone feeding an old skool fruitie saying he couldn’t understand gambling. As my colleague who knows about my addiction shuffled uncomfortably in his chair, I asked the actor if he knew I was in GA (I still find that easier to break the ice with) before explaining that he had just done a perfect impression of me (didn’t have the heart to say, many moons ago when you still got a bit of exercise by feeding the coins). It’s funny how much I’ve changed in what I believe to be a fairly short space of time...I respect this particular colleague & not keen on anyone I respect thinking badly of me but whilst I’m still not wearing my addiction as a badge of honour, I’m not running from it either. He wasn’t particularly phased by my disclosure, more trying to get his head round the why when my body isn’t specifically craving the poison (he has heard about an overeater who ruptured his staples so that they could get the satisfaction of feeling food within)...I could have gone all day on the subject but fortunately the phone rang & saved us all.

Looking @ the apology Morgan Freeman has just delivered to any woman that has been made to feel uncomfortable by comments he has made in the past, comments that many people have made over the ages, I wonder how different his position is to mine & so many people around me. I work in an environment where we “make fun” of men who hold their breasts when they walk to stop them wobbling & tell people to go easy on the biscuits, comments that can be construed as insulting & I’m kinda sad. I’m sad for the people that couldn’t speak up @ the time & say that the comments were hurtful but I’m also sad that one person’s innocent banter is a thousand people’s pain & I wonder what happened to the sticks & stones saying of my youth.

Went on a bit there huh but as we know, it’s better to ramble than gamble (KTF) & I can happily say that good days or bad, I am gamble free & where possible living in the now - ODAAT

Hi Odaat I never understand the reason for the telling off. There is the use of profanity against or towards someone, there is verbal abuse without profanity that goes unmissed, then there is just words not aimed at anyone. I disagree with many things about gamcare. The one thing I don't disagree with is genuine addicts seeking help , working their step 12. I just reason that gamcare haven't really got a clue about living everyday addiction. Don't stop being who you are. I always look for you.

Im still lurking in the shadows, occasionally pop on and pick someone to have a cach up on, and it was you today. Great to see your still going strong actually even stronger you seem to be getting a lot out of GA and giving a lot back to, i too dont go around ahouting about my addiction but i certainly dont hide it away ive often found myself taking to stangers about GA.

I feel your frustration with the censor police, its not going to change so maybe accept that 😉

KTF

Mate, I completely understand your frustrations with Gamcare. Let them go, it's not worth it. It's all about who has the most values, compassion and understanding of what we have to go through.

We all know the answer to this.

NT

Hi MGR, I have struggled for some time with something you posted very early on about your daughter & have been loath to post on your diary so it means a lot that you have dropped by...Thank you for your kind words & thank you for keeping it real for people like me who think the world revolves around us!

KTF, my old friend...Good to see you 🙂 It’s gone, but as you know, it’s progress not perfection & sometimes you gotta let it out to help with the cleansing. I’m not giving much back yet but yes, I am getting a lot out of GA...It works if we work it 🙂

Hi NT, very surprised to see you here but thanks also for the fly by of support. Congratulations on getting financially straight...I hope you are finding recovery a bit calmer now.

I’d also like to thank forum admin for a very personal response to my pain. (P.s: I did reply but the email got bounced again I’m afraid.)

Just so you all know, I’m glad I posted it out...Meetings are great but Mrs D never sleeps.

Read a few posts over the last couple of days & just wanted to get down in writing that there is no miracle cure for addiction! Recovery is not easy & anyone that says it is, never got that sick!

I’ve just sent a text to my mum that I’ve been deliberating over for hours...Its the 1st one in over a month, (goodness knows when the last unprompted one was) & all I could manage was a “Hi, hope you are @ peace!”. She said not to worry about her, just to keep in touch with my Nan & I’ve apologised for being so self absorbed but that will be it for another age. One day, soon, it’s gonna be too late for either of them & still I haven’t put enough into my recovery to get over this teeny tiny hurdle. Neither of them have ever intentionally hurt me, my mum’s an addict as you know but only thing they’re both guilty of is loving me too much. I know what I need to do & yet everyday is a struggle & so I continue the way I always have, my way. The work I have put into my recovery has been rewarding...I’m calmer & happier with it which is great but I still want something for nothing & it isn’t going to come.

2 days ago, I had a blahhhh day but I made myself get things done, one tiny step @ a time. Yesterday I made myself get up @ noon & wondered why, when I asked the NM if he thought I was getting better, he said I still spend too much time in bed. Today flushed with the success of yesterday’s early rise, I did the same & dragged myself up @ noon (this is an achievement?!?) but then I ran out of time & missed a meeting. Not coz we went out for dinner as I had planned but because we were painting the ‘new’ (new is like that because I’m not entirely sure how long something stays new for when you use it daily for months on end) fence & still we only managed 2/3 ish (ish coz 2 of the 3 parts are finished except for the bits the NM missed on his section)!

For every 2 steps I take forwards, I seem hellbent on chucking in the odd back...I might well sit around with the diaries & self help books & fellow compulsive gamblers & tell myself that I’m not “like them” but the more I open my mind, the more I see reflecting back @ me!

Now it’s nearly 0400 & I know better so on that note...Nite all.

Be safe, be happy - ODAAT

So today I did a mini celebratory dance when the work husband said there was nothing worth watching on the television...Now I’m sat here, headphones in, trying to stop my tears from escaping as I pray to my higher power to just make it stop! I’ve been so calm lately that this has pretty much come out of nowhere but I’ve put my headphones in & turned MY music up to warning levels but still can’t drown out his music blaring out from his phone a few feet away or his chomping! I’ve had so many discussions about the telly & his choice of music stations that I cannot have anymore & know I have to change my reaction to it but how on earth does one do that? @ least with the food I know the packet will be empty soon & I will have some respite from that!

Jeez oddat....is that really the trend now...socks and flipflops !
🙂