Today I received this text message:
“Thanks for the lift kelly. Hope everything is ok with you...”
A few meetings ago, I said a silent prayer @ the start that this person wouldn’t sit next to me, today 11 little words have humbled me speechless!
I have been pondering it all day & as much as I genuinely believe it when I say I don’t need anyone to look out for me, I will ask if I want help, I am human!
Not so long ago, I would have written someone off if they had told me they’d seen the inside of 10 different mental health units, today I recognise the only person I judge when I do so is me!
What has this got to do with gambling you say? I am an addict, I have a disease of my mind which I can run from & deny or I can accept & address...I choose recovery - ODAAT
Look past the forced smiles & never underestimate the power of a “How are you?”!
Hi Kelly
Wow! Now there’s an inspirational read!
Every now and then you write with captivating honesty and insight.
Glad you have found a life with meaning and purpose. Thanks for sharing.
Louis
Morning Kelly
Cardhue wrote it all.
I salute you my friend.
Keep on keeping on.
Duncs.
Glad for you Kelly. Take care of yourself.
CW
Fist bump!! 😀
What a beautiful read!
Cathyx
So I’ve had a holiday since my last download 6 whole days without arguing with the NM!!! That must be some sort of a World Record right? Sadly, the day I got back my soul seemed to droop & so I held a little pity party for myself on Sunday into Monday when I reached out to my GA groups. Firstly I mithered about not knowing what to hand over to my HP & got a beautifully worded response back which basically said when I took my head out of my rear end & stopped trying to convince myself I am one I might figure this out. I wanted to scoff but only tears came out so that was GA 1 Me O. Then I had a whinge about work & the suggestion to give time time gave GA a 2 - nil advantage.
So, last night I tried a sorry without a but @ the end, novel idea & the world was still standing this morning so may use that again...Not going to go as far as suggesting it may have aided a good night’s sleep but I had one & I’m not complaining 🙂 Dived (it was the 4th alarm) outta the pit this morning, said my Step 3 prayer courtesy of Niall: “eeehhheemm (ego cleansing) - I can't, you can, so please do!” not forgetting the Amen & as I left the house, I told my ego I’d dropped a fiver on the floor...As it bent down to pick it up, I kicked it up the rear end & slammed the door before it could follow me out (a little something I learned when Mr Gamble used to follow me everywhere)!
It was hot, not so bleeping hot you could fry an egg on your head but bearable hot, on the train & I decided, JFT, I was going to try to enjoy this incredible weather coz tomorrow I can put away the Factor 7 million & get the 30 back out.
I’ve gone from sticking up for myself & my colleagues & the cleaners & the security staff & the catering staff & generally anyone else who I (that’s a bold I but I can barely do new lines on my posts sometimes & it won’t let me use my Sharpies so please feel free to use your imagination), felt needed it, to not saying boo to a goose allegedly in the name or recovery. My balance is way off and I’d gotten to the point where I could almost feel people wiping their shoes on me on the way in. I had almost decided to down tools & let “our” standards drop as low as the rest of the team appeared to want them to be but realised it was messing with my head a bit. So I wasn’t remotely surprised to see my HP starting to pick up the pieces as I got to work today because they’re not bad people, they just don’t have my standards. I was @ breaking point after 12 hours straight in my (minus wee stops, ablutions & 2 mins @ the microwave) chair but I felt better in myself for doing it & know how I’m going to manage better going forwards...Progress not perfection right 🙂
Right Mrs D, out you come...I’ve got 2 mid-term diaries, notes on my phone & scraps of paper both @ work & @ home, completely unnecessary chaos!
So, a lot’s happened since I last posted here & I don’t just mean Pops is back (yay)! I finally have a full time sponsor :-0
It took me not wanting to write “No” on a Step 3 exercise to pull my finger out & WOW, so wish I’d done it sooner! Seeing my shizzle through someone else’s eyes put me on a massive high that I may have previously alluded to on here before...Turns out pink clouding is an actual thing :-0
I spent about 3 weeks up there on that cloud, literally thinking I could fly & actually seeing mornings, sometimes without even a little old lady nap to get me through the day :-0 It culminated in 3 back to back meetings (with nights out afterwards) & a Thai meal with one of my GA brothers & then I threw myself off of it head first by using my best outside voice, indoors (girl hitting herself in the head emoji) 🙁
A week in Cornwall later, way more talking than the NM could ever have nightmared plus a cracking explanation from my sponsor ably assisted by a brutal sports massage (back a bit poorly again) followed by 90 minutes of swimming (culminating in a 5x200m on 3:45 set) & a walk to the Chinese in the rain last appears to have elevated me back up there “Hello Pink Cloud” 🙂
Late night, early morning & expecting a degree of drama @ work (probs looking forward to that if I’m honest) but smiling from ear to ear as I make my way in to work because today, I am incredibly grateful to be an addict, without addiction, I NEVER would have found recovery! The pity parties are few & far between these days (I have no idea why but I kinda miss them) but so are the meltdowns & that’s good riddance to bad rubbish.
There’s still way too much hoping & thinking on these GC pages for my liking & I know for a fact I can’t think myself better (I tried, I tried it my way for way too long) but hope is in abundance in my world now & I pass on my hope that others still suffering can find their way to come & join me in the safety of recovery - ODAAT
I heard my name being spoken with a cheery " Yayh " ( unusual for these pages ) so I thought I'd investigate further :))
It's about time for an update Kelly but "Pink fluffy cloud's " ???? ......... " FFS " , What have I told you about eating " C ockle's " when there's an " R " in the month and Cornish or not ??? . :))
As your post's have never been short in content I'm assumiong your conversation is the same and I can just visualise your poor fella slumped forward with his fingers in his ear's crying " No more " and wishing he'd brought his " "Bose " ( other brand's are available ) noise cancelling headphone's along ( you know just in case ) :(.
Seriously though , I'm so glad to read finally that thing's are slotting into place for you and that what your doing is working :)). As you well know I've never set foot in the rooms and I've told myself that it's because meeting's justy wouldn't fit in with my hours and I have looked but that being said I wouldn't dissmiss it out of hand so " Never say never " should the need arise .
Wishing you well my little " Dutch one " and stay clear of the " Shelfish " :))
Much love " PoP's x
Morning, only me (yup, in the voice of one hilariously funny Harry Enfield character) 🙂
What a rubbish night’s sleep that was...Not bad enough that I decided it would be ok not to turn in til 11, the NM then came up to bed in an uncommonly chatty mood to tell me “it’s just gone twenty past 2”. I finally took myself off into the spare room @ about 3:40 to toss & turn & generally feel sorry for myself about how tired I was gonna be in the morning, only to wake up on the 3rd ish alarm @ 0459, drag myself out of bed & realise I’m perfectly capable of full functionality whilst tired :-0 I have absolutely zero idea why I’ve spent so many hours mithering about being so!?!
Mostly, it’s not my life that has undergone the most significant changes, it’s my reaction to it...Or as a great man would tell me, look after the rabbits & the tigers take care of themselves.
Hi. Yup, accepting life as it is. Speaking of tired.. just now getting back to normalcy after a camping trip with two school aged nieces. Dear god.. not wanting to sound corny but their love is like a million jackpots. Good hearing from you friend. xx
judy wrote:
Hi. Yup, accepting life as it is. Speaking of tired.. just now getting back to normalcy after a camping trip with two school aged nieces. Dear god.. not wanting to sound corny but their love is like a million jackpots. Good hearing from you friend. xx
Yeah I hear you about the million jackpots. For sure. My values are changing now after all this turmoil i have experienced... Spending time with my son rather than spending money on him etc. I realised today after attending a group meeting that all the toys I've bought him over the 2 years will just end up in the garage one day never to see light of day again... But the love and affection I can show him from here on in will stay with him forever and he will pass that on to his kids etc. Thanks for the nice thoughts Judy.
On a high after meeting lovely people at today's meeting #;o) hopefully will dream better dreams tonight and won't be tossing and turning (your night's sleep is all too familiar right now to me ODAAT!) its a past I cannot change at the end of the day so will try to put it to bed so I can get some shut eye for the first time in ages!
Optimistic about the future... A lot of thanks should go to the guys I met at group tonight. A good place to be if it makes me feel this good... Maybe over time slowly I'll learn to forgive myself and move forward... Onwards and upwards! :o)
judy wrote:
Hi. Yup, accepting life as it is. Speaking of tired.. just now getting back to normalcy after a camping trip with two school aged nieces. Dear god.. not wanting to sound corny but their love is like a million jackpots. Good hearing from you friend. xx
Yeah I hear you about the million jackpots. For sure. My values are changing now after all this turmoil i have experienced... Spending time with my son rather than spending money on him etc. I realised today after attending a group meeting that all the toys I've bought him over the 2 years will just end up in the garage one day never to see light of day again... But the love and affection I can show him from here on in will stay with him forever and he will pass that on to his kids etc. Thanks for the nice thoughts Judy.
On a high after meeting lovely people at today's meeting #;o) hopefully will dream better dreams tonight and won't be tossing and turning (your night's sleep is all too familiar right now to me ODAAT!) its a past I cannot change at the end of the day so will try to put it to bed so I can get some shut eye for the first time in ages!
Optimistic about the future... A lot of thanks should go to the guys I met at group tonight. A good place to be if it makes me feel this good... Maybe over time slowly I'll learn to forgive myself and move forward... Onwards and upwards! :o)
Thanks for the congrats odaat ..
Great cake wasn't it...
X
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