My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi BlockedOut,

I can also go for long periods of time without gambling only to then return and for it to be worse than it was before. It is progressive in my opinion.. it only gets worse. Your in a tough spot at the moment. keep in touch with the fact that how you feel now is a direct consequnces of the gambling. Take the gambling away and you can return to a more normal way of thinking and being. Just for today I will not gamble! Repeat each day. All the best.. S.A

Hi Blocked out

You managed to control it a while ago. You will never beat it! Try getting back into that frame of mind and do what worked for you then. You know you'll never win at gambling as we can never collect. Get positive and stay strong.

All the best

Steve E

your sounding very low at the moment, reminds me of me when i first came here, i promise you will feel better, you have done this before and you can do it again, never ever give up trying to give up. well done for coming here, and the best of luck

Hi "I CAN DO IT" well I posted on the forum a number of times during my last failed recovery. And really thought I could continue feeling good with being gambling free. Its a big step for me even posting here again and not without some embarresment at having failed again. Really really sucks somtimes 🙁

True stevey so true. We never ever collect at least I dont. I had 1000s mid week but never found the cash out button, reveresed all my withdraws and then as the pattern goes went on a bender chasing "the win" and then another "chasing the loss that was chasing the win" I could KICK myself. and god the guilt... so bad right now.

I work away alot somtimes extended periods abroad. I speak to my wife on the phone like I did tonight. Money is tighter than it ever has been, credit crunch , slow business and me gambling. She does not know about my addiction. And tonight I asked her what she was up to. She told me she had spent the day doing the garden (weather is good in the UK apparently) and she had no plans for the weekend but to relax at home with the kids as it would save money etc. Can you imagine the feeling on hearing that when I have just lots xxx $$$. I cant tell her and I need to re-gain control over my addiction. I know that I cant do recreational gambling. Decided to work through the night as I cant sleep. But I shouldnt feel so sorry for myself. If I had not wasted 27 hours this week gambling, then my work output would have been treble. Feel like screaming right now. ... back to work.

Hi BlockedOut

I too have returned here, thought I'd cracked it but lost loads last weekend. But I'm bet free since monday morning, and feel better about that. I come on here twice a day, when my wife's at the gym or at work (a bit like when I visited the on-line casino's really- at least i dont lose money here!!!!), I still find it helps a lot to realise I'm far from alone.

I understand totally the guilt thing, I found myself asking why my wife had bought expensive fruit and veg at Tesco's - implying it was a waste of money, when I had just blown thousands at Blackjack - am I for real??!!! If it wasn't so serious, it would be funny.

Keep your discipline, day by day, visit here as often as you can....it certainly helps me

good luck

Dave

Hi Dave yes I know that feeling about asking why this or that was spent and at the same time 1000s go west! Im back again today. No gambling today at least. Blocked 🙂

Still feel cr** about everything. But today have worked none stop and my output is around 4 times as much as it has been the whole week. 8.33pm and no bets today. Problem is I know thats the gambling hangover so at the moment its easy. Its when the hangover clears that im in massive danager of having "1 bet" which will then spiral. I need to break this circle. Today is no achievment as I have been here many times before. If I can get through tomorrow bet free then maybe thats 1 point on the score board. Its like when you have gone out and drank 25 yummy tasting mojhito cocktails. (wrong spelling but you know what I mean) but the day after you dont really feel like a cocktail. Same with the gambling. But I have worked and will work the rest of the night to keep busy and make up for all the hours wasted the past 10 days. Still sore.

its so hard to get rid of that feeling, just one more bet and i could win back etc etc, but, when you need it most it never ever happens.

the only way to recuperate is not to gamble, put as many obstacles in your way because i defy anyone here to say they are strong enough to quit if there are still ways or places to gamble, this is the only thing that keeps me going. block all the loopholes, put bans in place. sure like i said it doenst take the urge away, it just amkes it harder to fall back into the trap of the one more bet.

me? yes relapses, several, but, i will do it i can do it, stay strong blocked

G x

Not sure if this is my recovery diary as even though I want to "recover" and "stop" at the moment I am unable to. I managed 2 days clean and have spent the last 2 days again gambling. Its in a spiral right now all downwards. I detest my addiction and I right now hate myself for my weakness and totall dishonesty to my family and loved ones. They have no idea and I just keep throwing the money at the casinos. I have tried exclusion - blocking software - none of it works. Im due for my next appointment tomorrow with an online counsillor but not sure I can face it. This is about as low as it gets. My transformation from a person in control to a pathological gambler is complete. Dont know where to go from here. 🙁

I thoroughly understand your situation. Each time I say I am going to give up I do not really have faith in myself. In my heart I know that the best that I can hope for is a week of staying clean. Even after hitting the lows of having absolutely nothing left in the bank, struggling for a whole month of 4-5 weeks with no money at all, squirming as I have to lie to those around me...these experiences should make me start afresh each month after I get paid. But instead I see it as a fresh slate. I am even as far as i am concerned. I may have lost thousands the previous month but now I can start again. I will try to win just a little bit to bolster my bank balance so I can treat my gf to a meal or something. I'll bet 100 and try to win just 50 in a few spins. Fairly achievable I think. I do not think of the possibility of a loss...only a win. I'll stop when I get to 150 I swear. If I lose then in goes another chunk of dough. Recovery and repayment of debts will be postponed and I will have to plod along as best as I can if i lose it all again. I have done it before and manage to do it before.

If i win great. I withdraw it. But before the working day has ended I end up back in the shop. Now I just want a little extra for myself. Ok, I made an extra amount on top. Maybe I should go home now and leave whilst I am up.

I am in a great mood. I am thinking of a couple of treats for myself and suggest things to do with my gf as I have some spare cash to spend on ourselves as I hardly ever have the funds to do anything.

The next day I go past the betting shop. I think I'll pay just a little bit. I am up anyway so if I lose it won't matter much. I won't stick a lot in. the numbers aren't coming up but 1 of them should come up sooner rather than later. I'll stick more in and see. Phew...I got it. Money back plus a little extra profit for the day. But my numbers should come in again now. Only one has so far so if I get one or two more I'll make a handsome profit. My stake is quite high now so I won't need many spins to win big. Then I can buy this item and also that item at last which I keep promising myself that I would. Cool! I got it....just one more and then that's it. But it didn't come in. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I'm wiped out. I should walk...after all I have only lost winnings really and a small amount of my own money. I can live with that really. But the urge to get it all back leads me to the cash point. Soon there is nothing left in my bank. I walk to the office in an irritable mood. I try not to think but just carry on like a robot. The reality hits me, I have to find ways to survive again without any money. I do not reply to my gf's texts. She asks me to do stuff or buy stuff together which requires some money. I try to ignore her. I am moody yet so ashamed and sorrowful. Again I promise to myself I will not repeat this as the feelings are horrible...

Yep 28black that about sums it up. I can identify with alot of what you said. Always chasing and never content.

Went out for a long walk and have spent some time with my son. We just got of a long bike ride back to my place. I cant say it was not enjoyable. It was. Have done a hell of alot of thinking today about where I am and more importantly where I am going to end up. Their is no recovery here so to speak at the moment. Im just wading through a storm. All hell is about to break loose in the 48 hours on the financial front I can feel it. I know I need to stop. I dont know how to stop. But I know I want to stop. I weighed up the options earlier ... Do I gamble again tomororrow morning ... I tried to justify it and even placed odds on the different possible out comes. But wait a minute ... their I am actually taking a gamble in my own with the risk assosiated with having another gamble ... every where I look I see numbers and % percentages and possible trends. Insane but unfortunatly very true for me. So their I was looking at the possible out comes

1: I win big - enough to clear the mess and start again = very very low proabability

2 : I win enough to cover the last 2 weeks losses and temporarily block / stop the misery that im feeling inside right now from the past weeks addiction to online gambling

3 : I dont risk it and instead work with the funds I have to straighted debts - buy food - take my kids swimming.

4 : I choose 1 or 2 then loose then feel twice as bad as I feel today and with my situation that little bit worse than what it is today.

---- What do I do ? -----

I know at the moment my financial situation is recoverable (just) I can within 5 months be full straight and ahead. But I can only do this if I dont gamble. Another few weeks or months like the past months though will leave me with no way back. Sorry if this is long Im just needing to write and get my thoughts out. - Yet another day wasted I want tomorrow to be different!

Blocked.