My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi

Just read your diary fromm the beginning and I am so proud of you for reaching day 11 this time. I think I am on day 76, I have stopped counting cause I found it easier, but it is different for everyone. What I will say is that by telling my partner was the wake up call I needed. no one can go through this alone and even though all the help on here is great, they don't know you like your wife does. My boyfriend has helped me through this so much and I have someone there to talk to about it, get hugs off when I'm feeling down. I think telling your wife will be the start of a new life for you. It will hurt her beyond anything but that is the guilt you really need to feel to help you become a better person. It stops becoming about you and becomes all about them, and I found because I was hating on myself because of the addiction I just didnt care what I did, but when it's about them you stop and think how your actions will hurt them. I hope you find it in you to share this with her, my partner was more hurt that I had strugled on my own and felt I couldnt turn to him after being together for 15 years. I wish you all the best and I will continue to follow your road to recovery. Well done x x x x

Just cheking in on you blocked. Your longest spell without a bet in 13 months mate. Brilliant stuff.

I really hope you can keep this going and what's more blocked, i believe you can.

Keep it going blocked. Every day that passes without a bet sees you becoming a better man.

Hi blocked.

Hope everything is ok with you mate. Post soon and let us know how you are doing.

All the best.

Just back from a gruelling 3 day work away. Im absolutly shattered - didnt sleep well at all while was away. So not a long message tonight. Quite a few things to get of my chest so to speak. Will do that tomorrow at some point. Thanks Curly and ryleery

for the replys here, will answer soon as I have had some sleep. Blocked.

Day 13 Of My Recovery :

Note I have not said day 13 bet free. Spoke to Netline tonight had a long chat. They helped. I had a lapse and gambled the other night. Just want to be straight up here. Didnt loose didnt win, but did gamble. Felt very very down about this. Im not giving up though on my recovery and am getting straight back to staying clean. Today did not gamble. Tomorrow will not gamble. Netline helped alot (Thanks Rob) Will try write some more tomorrow on what happened and why ... eyes tired now but wanted this of my chest before I sleep. Onwards. Blocked.

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Hi blocked.

Cheers for the post on my diary and good to see you back on here.

Sad to hear about your minor lapse but i think it is great that you are straight back on here to seek support and to offer your encouragement to others.

I've still got total faith in you beating this mate. Hope you are doing ok.

I reckon you are pushing out the zzzzzzzzzz's now Blocked.

I am glad you rang netline...I have one of the books Rob has recommended...Amazon £4.99....it's good, it helps.

You can do this...and thank you for posting support on my diary.

Jas x

Sorry to hear about the lapse mate but glad you are straight back on track. What a shame you ended your longest run without a bet in 13 months. Your next goal is to beat that record mate.

Stay strong

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

BUT

I CANNOT LOSE IF I DO NOT START

Stumper

Hi Blocked out!

Don't let your little lapse dis-hearten you, say you didn't win but you didn't lose, the fact that you never kept playing until you did lose, is a huge step. just take one day at a time! I'm rooting for you and I hope with all my heart you can fight this! (Have you thought about sharing this with someone close to you, even if you can't tell your wife, do you have a close friend you can tell? Trust me it works wonders when someone else knows and can help) x x

Day 14 Of My Recovery :

Morning all. First thanks for your support & comments ryleery, Curly,Jasmine,Stumper. I was not sure what I would find here this morning, its like returning to the scene of a crime 😉 Anyway feel much better had a great nights sleep and woke up feeling postive again. Hell their is even some sun shining outside.

The other night when I gambled, it was at the end of a very long and very intense day with work. Lots of people to deal with , a few meetings and I needed to be 100% focussed which I was. Came back to the hotel room feeling drained. Then there I was thinking what the hell I will deposit £120 into a casino.

Now this is where it gets scary. As soon as I started playing I felt a massive releif. It was like d**n I have missed this. Chatting to others in the casino and such like. Then I started to feel like all the stress and willpower I had needed the past 2 weeks to stay clean had left me. Honestly in that moment it felt great. Like a J****E maybe taking there first fix of heroin in 2 weeks.

Fast forward, won some , lost some. Then went to eat with the team. Had way to many drinks but had fun. Back to my room midnight, switched on the labtop again, played some more. Thens stopped. Massive crash ... what the HELL AM I DOING!!!! Felt massive guilt - I withdrew winnings , £125. Less fees left me straight. Slept. Rough sleep , restless. Woke up the next morning feeling like I did 2 weeks ago. Depressed massive come down, could not belive what I had done. I spent what money was left on my account on bills and got my partner to withdraw the rest from my bank. At least that way I could not play more. Even though knew I didnt want to. Came home , tired felt down. Didnt want to post here, what could I say, I have failed etc etc more guilt. Went and spoke to Rob on the chatline. Worked a few things out. I had not really planned in my head how to cope with being away from the saftey of home. I had no blocking systems in place. No plans. This cost me 1 day. I know now I need to ensure I am prepared in my head to cope with being away. Next week Im away for 2 weeks in Europe working. I am more aware today of the possible problems and issues I could face.

Im not giving up, Im remaining positive. I have had a lapse and im back on the wagon. Who says "I cant win cause I cant stop" so d**n true. And I hate seeing the bank charge on my account for the ewallet deposit. Stark reminder of what I did. Sorry for long post but wanted to get this out. No point being here unless 100% honest. Will be reading/ posting on some diarys later today when I get back from the office. (More meetings - its an exciting time at work and I want to be part of that, not depressed becuase of my failure of being able to control my addiction) Today I know i wont gamble.

Onwards Blocked.

Hi Blocked,

Sorry to hear that you slipped; but well done for not betting until you lost it all. Withdrawing the money was a good step. I have mentioned before that setting up roadblocks to stop such things from being able to happen is important, and others will say the same to you. Perhaps this should act as a wake-up call for you.

Well done for being honest about what was, in truth, a very minor slip. This might even have been a blessing in disguise, in that it might encourage you to set up more roadblocks, which might stop you from a major slip in the future. Having read through your diary many times, I know that you can get the positive attitude back, and get right back on track.

All the best,

Alan

Hi Blocked

What a great post your last one was I dont meanbecause you gambled imean because it come from the heart.it was very honest and you explained the different emotions you went through.That post will help many others to understand what a lapse feels like.Anyway kid i think its great that you havent caved in. It was a small lapse ,the recovery will be long there will be ups and downs but you my friend are in it for the long run.All the best Jeff.

Cheers for the post on my diary Blocked.

I sympathise with your position mate. It must be hard for you spending all that time away working when you then get a bit of time on your hands. Still you did great withdrawing that money. That must have taken a lot of strength.

I really admire the way you are sticking at this blocked and i and others are really willing you to succeed.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Blocked, many years ago somebody much wiser and cleverer than I could ever be said to me that you must fail to succeed.

Thought he was a P*****k at the time but how true those words are. If we do not fail at times how will we appreciate success when it comes!!

Back on track mate--thats all that counts

Stay strong

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

Stumper