My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

HI Curly thanks for the reply. I did it seem make the right decision. I know I will go through to day 8 now - been up reading other peoples diarys etc. Shame I missed most of the chat tonight but still no gamble. Hope all is going really well your end of the pool. Good thoughts. Blocked.

thanks SAFC Fan for the comment here. So true about 1 step at a time and how days run. I tried to see if you had a diary ... my eyes are tired though and brain half dead now. Will look again tomorrow but thanks for taking the time. All the best Blocked.

Day 8 :

Yesterday was good - no real problem. Didnt think much at all about gambling , worked my financial file a little more but not alot I can do at the moment. Funds limited. I felt really good waking up today knowing I did not gamble. Even the horrific losses I have sustained the past months are now starting not to have an effect on me. That awfull feeling you get in your gut right after a max loss is hardly with me anymore. All I know is today there is no way I will gamble. It dont really come into my plan at all. Feeling postitive. Good thoughts to all. Blocked.

Hi There

Welcome to the forum.

I have just read your whole diary.

Wow! If there is one thing you do have it is determination. You keep coming back and that is good. Be proud of that. Never give up , giving up.

I am sad that you haven't had the courage yet to talk with your wife though.

I know it is up to the individual and we are all different.

I was found out and it wasn't a nice experience. In hindsight I wish I had told my partner. Well, once he found out and we talked, I told him everything. I haven't had a bet in 2 1/2 years now. That is because I have made myself accountable to my partner. If I take money out of the account and not tell him, he will ask, as he has access to my statements.

I only carry as much money as I need in any given day. I know that is difficult for you as you work away and need cards to pay for food etc, but I am sure there is a way for you too.

Also, don't you think your wife knows there is something going on already? Maybe you ought to give her more credit than you do. I have spoken with a lot of partners of gamblers and they often think that their hubbies are having affairs or they know that their partners are "at it" again but choose to ignore the urge to confront them because they are scared too, scared of what they might find out. But..I think to be able to get better and arrest this addiction, I needed to tell my partner. Partners have rights too. They have the right to make up their own minds and make their own desicions. I can only make changes to me. I have no right to make them for anyone else.

It is always better to be honest, first with yourself, which you are doing, and then with those around you(once you are ready to do so).

In a previous post you have said that it is your mess and you want to sort it out yourself.

Yup, I thought the same when I first stopped. Only...the rest of the family is already suffering, because the money that should be making their lives easier, is going either on gambling or, once you stop, on paying back the debts. One way or another,the rest of the family is already involved.

The other thing I picked up on was that you said you tried G.A. and they were not so good. And that you would write about that another time. Would you mind writing about it soon, please. As others know, I go to G.A. and I believe that they saved my life.

If you asked for help on the phone then may I just say that the people who do the phone line are all compulsive gamblers who have volunteered to man the phones to guide people to a meeting room. They are not trained counsellors, but just another fellow compulsive gambler.

Sorry for hijacking your diary, I look forward to your next post.

Just for today, I will not gamble

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Hi Charly thanks posting here 🙂 I do hear what you say and I know at 1 point I will come clean. At the moment Im putting as many days as I can between my self and my last gamble. And also using that time to try as much as possible to stabilize our finances. Then I will feel stronger to tell her and come clean and also be at least able to show I have started some kind of recovery. She does not have a clue i gambled - some would be she doesent or she would 100% tell me.

As for GA yes it was a call, the guy didnt really know what I was on about and actually talked a load of rubbish in my view. He even slammed this site saying they advise to cut down on gambling not quit. He then started blabbing on about all kinds of stuff and sounded well weird. Its the 2nd time I called GA and got similar results. I know it works wonders for many but for me i get the feeling its bit like a cult or even creepy. Sorry for slamming them - its not meant to sound like that and yes they help 1000s but for me at this moment its not a route i want to take.

you aint hijacked my diary - im very thankful for you taking the time to write. Wish you good thoughts all the best Blocked 🙂

Hey Blocked,

Keep up the good work. 8 days without gambling is brilliant.

All the best!

Karan

Blocked--you are doing really well mate.

Do what you think is best for you in the long term. What works for one person may or may not work for another. If posting on here is keeping you strong mate then it is probably the way for you to go--I know it is the ONLY thing that works for me.

Stay strong and have a great gambling free weekend.

Stumper

hi blocked

ty for ur kind words and encouragement im not finding it to hard not to gamble asi gamble on line and all thats been taken away i have no way to gamble its all these feelings think ive been hiding more than my gambling i dont know anyway doing good urself keep it up 1 day at a time

wishing u well......norma x

Thanks Bignosh karan265 and Stumper for posting here. I felt good all day and tonight I know I will walk through until tomorrow. - Really wish you the best Norma with your battles and struggles.

Stumper yes posting on here does help and has helped. Every day 1 or 2 times I come here at the moment. Post read or chat instead of gambling.

Karan thanks for the words of support - it is very much appreciated.

Wishing you all good thoughts - day by day. Blocked.

d**n day 9 by 20 mins I almost broke my clean run of no gamble. Downloaded a casino was about to deposit to an e-wallet account - then stopped. It has taken me to the edge. Really wish chat was open now. Anyway I have resisted so e***n haaaard. Ach!!!!!! Going to close down the Pc - I would hate to come here tomorrow and say day 1 instead of day 10. I WILL NOT GAMBLE TONIGHT! Blocked.

Day 9 part 2 :

Made it through the night. Still clean. Feel very happy about this.

hi blocked

well done!!!! bet u feel better knowing u didnt do it, just keep thinking how u would feel if u did it and lost, keep up the GOOD work 1 day at a time

wishing u well...norma x

Morning Blocked,

My goodness you are fighting this one. Bloody well done for coming on here when the urge hit...that gambling voice...go on, go on, go on....just a little go. You didn't cave in and I'm so pleased for you.

Does it feel good a have all those gamble free days under your belt? Keep going Blocked.

Jas x

Hi Blocked

You must be tired m8 ,looking at your last 2 posts and the times you posted them you didnt get a lot of sleep. Hey well done kid Resect to you. Last night must have been hard work but you got through it. Keep going blocked . All the best Jeff.

Day 9 still :

first thanks Norma , Jas, Jeff for support and replys 🙂

Was hell close last night, I was feeling down - wife still away until Sunday. I did come close last night to gambling. I had had a few glasses of red in the past this almost always made it easier for me to gamble. I did manage to pause for just a few seconds - thinking WHAT AM I DOING - I CANT GAMBLE. Thats when I came on here. Had a banging head this morning , own fault ;( and expect no pity there lol. But headache aside I was clear and calm and actually happy withmyself that I managed to over come the strongest urge have had yet since quitting.

Day 10 tomorrow is a landmark for me. The last time I got to day 10 was near on 2 2 years ago. But lots has changed since then - especially the past few months. Im more aware now at the danger points and I feel as each day goes by that gambling really becomes less and less of a viable choice for me. Danger I know in complacancy - but for today im allowing myself to be happy with the "right" choice I made yesterday.

Blocked 🙂