My Diary - small steps to recovery

Hi Mo,

Those feelings of regret and guilt that come with the losses do fade with time, but the important thing is not to let the resolve not to gamble again to fade away with it too. I've lost count of the number of times I've relapsed, dropped several months wages in gambling sessions, and then had to work to repay and bring my finances back in line again.

You have shown that you can go for long periods without gambling, keep that resolve firm, and embrace that gamble free life.

The End

Hi Mo , Just picked up on your post " The end " as in what if I may be so bold ? The end of gambling , the end of being on this site or the contemplation of something worse ? .

I'm really hoping it's the first choice in the list and that you maybe have finally come to terms with the losses over the years , It's something we all have gto accept on here the realisation that what we've chucked away isn't coming back and that to continue on this path of chasing is futile , I've been at that point and it is the only thing that's allowed me to move forward :)).

If it's the second in the list then as always the choice is yours , we all walk away at different points in our recovery and for many reasons , sometimes we just need a break and at others we feel it's just not for us anymore and if this is the case then as sad as it is to see someone leave our little family I wish you well :)).

If it's the contemplation of the later then I can only say that it's just not worth it , it's money and nothing more , money that over time can be replaced and as bad as the feelings are right now they will fade over time once your gambling addiction is overcome , If I'm wrong in my assumption of your intention then please forgive me but as the post is vague I'm just trying to cover all scenarios .

I was at that point when I arrived here just over a year ago , not in a good place at all ,having lied to and decieved my family for many years , I accumalated a fair amount of debt and really couldn't see away out , it was then that I found this place and its wonderfully supportive people who showed me a different path from the one I nearly chose .

Some word's gifted to me by Dunc's What your considering is " A Permanent Solution To A Temporary Problem " !

and that's the key it is temporary whatever it is is just temporary and I'm glad I listened :))

If you read this post would you just post to let us know your well or reach out to others for support whatever your going through right now :))

Best wishes Alan

Dear Mo

We hope you are OK and safe. Please, do leave us a message to let us know how you are. We have also reached out to you by email in case you would rather communicate privately.

If you're struggling you know you can contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133. We're here 8am to midnight every day. Alternatively you can contact the Samaritans on 116 123.

Take care

Forum Admin

Hi Mo, please advise your ok, we are worried about you x

Hi Alan, Forum Admin & Anon, sorry if you've been alarmed. Am in very bad/dark place at the moment, everything spiralled out of control. I know what I need to do but can't do it so self destruct button constantly going. Head swirling, I am losing everything now, not just money but sanity, self respect. I am being deceitful, no way out.....why has the last two months happened I ask myself as recovery was going as planned then whoosh it is the worst it's ever been. Never before have I played & lost so much. I don't see any way out. I need to have the strength to get back to the place I was but just don't know if I can.

Mo

Hi Mo , Glad to see your still with us in all senses of the word :)).

You know weve all been to those deep dark places you speak of and sometimes it's difficult to see any way out but there always is and some times we just need to find the lightswitch that will make thins brighter and clearer , I've been there Mo and I know its not easy , in fact its bloody hard to find the motivation to keep trying to find that path to a gamble free life but pushing's just what you have to do , just find that strength from somewhere to start again , one hour or one day at a time , little steps forward is sometimes the only way . You know you have the support on here that's unconditional so you don't need to suffer alone , we all understand what it's like to break free of this demon inside us , perhaps time to start looking at putting all the blocks in place again and locking all those doors ? .

Look after yourself Mo and you know where to find us all if you need a chat :)) xx

Hi Mo, so pleased you have been in touch and sorry your struggling but I've read your diary and you can do this as you was gf for quite a while. What was the trigger? Put the blocks in place, give yourself little goals to achieve. If your feeling so down have you thought about going to see your GP. Your not alone - take care xx

...and so time for self reflection and reality check!! What on earth possessed me to be drawn in again to online slots, this time to a much greater extent than ever before? I am sickened at myself, mindlessly spinning away, throwing good money away and my self respect. I am disgusted at myself, in fact there's no words to really describe how I feel. What made me do it, that I don't even know. Well no more, I have had enough, I need to pull myself together, learn from this, dripfeed some into joint savings every month until the immense amount I have lost is replaced. It will take a long time but I will do it. My OH would be totally shocked if he ever found out what I've done. He would never forgive me, I can admit to no one only my diary what has happened. I must ignore and fight the urge to play, I cannot shut my account until money I have withdrawn is in my account. I have to be strong, I cannot allow myself to deposit any more. Keep strong, one minute at a time, fight the urge, don't let yourself down I say to myself and all the time the CG in my head is saying just try one last time BUT no I must shout back, block it out my mind, don't let the urges get to me.

Mo

2 mins GF - some might say, fir goodness sake what's two minutes? Well 2 mins GF means I have SHOUTED BACK at the urge, I haven't logged onto the site to deposit, I have restarted my journey towards GF life again. Will I be able to refrain from depositing all night, I really hope so, I have given myself a wake up call, a shake. I have done it before though never have I had to account for such tremendous losses, I must continue to be strong for the next 2 minutes, then the next 2 minutes, small steps at a time to get through this. Rambling on and on is better than spinning round and round. Keep strong.

Mo

...and so I managed to resist all urges last night and have remained GF. Still very short time but I think, I hope I'm in right frame of mind because believe me for the last number of weeks I've been totally out of control, no reasoning with myself. My head telling me one thing i.e. DO NOT DEPOSIT ANY FURTHER MONEY but then I did. I must be STRONG, withdrawed money still not in account so I need to leave account open so I must be STRONG.

Mo

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......so all the 2 mins have added up and now 2 days GF. Staying strong, determined to get back on track towards GF existence though still reeling (pardon the pun....helps to have a sense of humour instead of dwelling on immense losses that I can never recover) from immense amount loss. Small steps with every tick of the clock, keep strong, never be complacent.

Mo

.....and all the 2 mins of yesterday & today add up to 3 days GF. Staying strong in my resolve not to deposit. I must do this, I cannot falter as I cannot even begin to claw back amounts lost....still finding it extremely difficult to acknowledge the massive crash back into online slots after being GF for so long. I can never be complacent as at any time an urge from nowhere could send me downwards, I must be aware, in my guard and not subcomb again. Small steps. 2 mins at a time. Keep strong.

Mo

Is your time money location triangle broken? The choice as to whether or not to deposit depends on the choice as to whether or not to break the triangle and whether or not to attend regular counselling and/or GA.

You've already found that strength is meaningless if the urge is there and the triangle is complete. But you could use the same strength to limit your access to all gambling and to get support.

CW