My Diary - small steps to recovery

183 days GF

Mo

201 days GF

Never complacent, it's always there at back of your mind

Mo

250 days GF....never complacent....one day at a time

Massive relapse......worst ever.....where did this come from.......shows you're never free.......no matter the blocks you find a way.......so ashamed ........hate myself .......why why why........wish I could turn clock back 24 hrs.........madness madness madness........

Mo

So sad for you Mo , you had achieved so much. Good that you have returned to the diaries where you are with friends who understand the anguish you must be feeling, we have all been in a similar place, it's dark, lonely, and horrible.

Wishing you well ......stephen

.....and so it continues......what have I done......last night should have been the final straw as woke up this morning and realised I didn't even remember depositing the amount I had as I had fallen asleep .....shook me that I had done this but did it make me stop......no.....tonight I've done it again......I need to get off this merry go round.....I've lost all the savings in one account .....how can I be so stupid.....no means of earning money......I'm addicted to online slots ....why...why....why can I not stop....

Hate myself

Hi mo you cannot stop because the game is designed to brainwash you. They are rigged, you never win. Watch the documentary the post is titled 'watch this if your addicted to slot machines'. Just for today!

Reread posts 167 to 178?

CW

....and so....sensible head back on......bank account closed so no access to pay into online slots. I’ve been complete idiot....no one can beat online slots.

Day 1 again.....here we go....one day at a time...never complacent. Probably won’t post to my diary very often as want to try to put whole gambling issue out my mind.

Mo

life is precious

...and so .....here I am again. Please do not reply to this post unless it is in a supportive positive note as I am in an extremely vulnerable state of mind.

“What price My life”?

That’s the question that going around since last week when something catastrophic happened in my gambling addiction life. I was doing so well until then. I blame no one but myself but I have to ask how I could have crossed the boundary to such an extent .....beyond where I have never been before. Yes I have lapsed and ‘been there’ so to speak but this was unlike any other time.....the only thing different was I had had virtually no sleep for days (health related) and then on the day in question I got IV steroids that reacted with me did they also react and stop the mechanisms within my brain of saying stop, pull the plug cos obviously they did not and that is why I am here today.

So what price my life.......main thing I am alive........it’s worth my relapse as If I didn’t have that I might not be here.

Mo

Hi Mo,

sorry to hear about your relapse and sorry to hear you feel you have crossed a boundary you have not crossed before. Some on here say rock bottom has a cellar, this unfortunately is true.

Well done for coming on the Forum and reaching out, that is a testament to your achievments so far - you understand the benefits of talking about what happened and analyising the situation, so you can avoid similar in the future.

Please don't be alone with this and feel free to call the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline, we are here to support you.

Keep posting, keep sharing and keep reaching out.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin