My Diary - small steps to recovery

Blues

Thanks for your support. I have slipped big time this last wee while and tonight was the biggest wake up call that I've needed - hopefully I'll b strong to get through this. Online slots again called me to play £30 done in a few minutes, then another £30... a few minutes later feeling sick...stomach churning, heart thumping, sweating but yeh £60 away just like that. Does that make me walk away.....no...I am a CG (I like how I'm giving myself an excuse from walking away) and I deposit another £40..... Spin....spin....spin....no winners......I'm now £100 down....do I walk away? No, deposit another £50.......my head is thumping, heart beating ...spin....spin......spin......up each spin to £2 a spin...spin...spin....spin ....this can't be happening....no wins at all.....now down to £20....really feeling so low now....then a miracle happens ....£122 win in one spin.....do I stop? No, I am a CG chasing the loss of tonight....kept playing ....spin...spin....spin....I see the winnings spin away.....then another win took me to £170 and still...spin...spin...spin...maybe I can make up the losses of the last few weeks....spin...spin......then as the reels go round and round! head thumping I see sense and withdraw £150......the exact amount I deposited today. I AM ELATED I AM BACK TO SQUARE ONE TODAY but what about tomorrow and the next. I need to be strong as cannot exclude until withdrawal is back in my account then I hopefully will have the strength to exclude again....though I need to consider phoning credit card and stopping any payment to online gambling. I''ve got access to a whole load of money, more than I could ever imagine and I'm scared, scared I lose it and then that would be it. I'm a sensible person so why am I gripped by this gambling nonsense .....the only winner is the machine. I previously was an arcade addict then didn't play for 15/20 years until I tried the online slots late last year......and well where I am now I don't want to be. I know from before it's got to be me that wants to stop....I need to want to stop and have the willpower to say no...no...no ...I will not let another £ go into online slots....I'm sick of it making me feel the way I do......I want my sanity back!!!

Mo

Have read and reread my post of last night - I must not waver and need to remember the feelings I had last night. I will not gamble though urges are very very strong.

Mo

Hi Mo,

Sorry to hear about your slip, gambling is a vicious partner, and in some ways getting back to even is going to feel like a win in some ways. It isn't a win, its just an opportunity to get out without further losses. You know what you need to do, chin up, and time to start going forward again.

Ryan

very vivid portrait of how gambling keeps sucking you in bit like my story suck suck suck keep fighting mo dont give up

Thanks Ryan and Triangle - it means a lot to me when someone takes the time to give me support. I continue to have urges but rereading my post from the other day sums up the feelings I have when I play and I don't want to go there again. I also just got my credit card statement and am ashamed at the triple daily deposits I have made over the last insane spinning spree - it STOPS NOW, I WILL NOT ALLOW ONLINE SLOTS TO CONTINUE TO CONTROL MY LIFE - Small steps one day at a time will get me through this

Mo

Imam now of the opinion that I am of a unsound mind - why else would I ignore what my head is saying and once in again log in playing £300 and gaining back only £120 a that's if I don't cancel my withdrawal to try to get more back but I'll end up losing the lot. Is I continue like this I will lose all,the money I have in my trust in less than a year - this is a huge amount that has to last a lifetime. I have never ever had a savings account and now I do -"I don't want to wreck my life but seem hellbent on doing so. Feeling very low

Mo

......and the night just gets worst and worst I kept depositing, spinning ....depositing.....spinning.....heart going....depositing...spinning .....lost everything £550....I hate myself ...what an idiot I am. I need to get out of this, it's not healthy.....no sleep, stressfull

Mo

Couldn't sleep so deposited another £50 just hoping I would get some of the money back.........nothing......down £600......couldn't sleep so put on pc and worked out money - managed to shave the £600 off my own savings so tomorrow another day in my fight against this addiction

Moo

Completely

Lost the plot - have just put another £550 down the drain in online slots, I feel physically sick at the amount over last two days - the worst ever.

Only myself to blame....self destruct button on mode.

Think I need time to come to terms with this - this has got to another level last night and tonight

Mo

Hi Mo

Sorry you have had such a bad time but if you want the madness to stop, putting blocks on yr computer, phone is a must I believe. It really helps to stop you in your tracks if/when you have a string urge. Don't allow gambling to be responsible for losing your life's savings.

Do something today about by blocks, blocks, blocks.

Good luck.

Feb.

Hi Mo,

Really sorry to read you hav been gripped by this unforgiving habit again. As Feb rightly says - blocks, blocks, blocks!! I wouldn't survive without them myself, it is crucial tool to keep you on a straight and narrow, esp on a low days. Break the cycle my friend, you can do it. Never give up giving up, the beast is feeding from you know, it has a right feast, but you are stronger than it. Put a stop to self destruction, you are worth more than pain and misery. .don't do this to yourself, keep posting, stay close by, beat the demon by staying strong and sticking ur middle finger at it!! You are good person, believe in urself, you will come out the other end.

stay strong and look after yourself

Sandra x

Thanks Feb and Sandra for your support. I've been out my mind with the way I've spiralled out of control but at long last have taken not a small step forward but a leap ahead in my recovery by contacting the online site and closing my account, also closed two other accounts so now no access to site. I feel so relieved that the nightmare is over, before when I self excluded for a month I would always be tempted to try again but now with accounts closed I've no temptation - this us my new beginning - I know I will forever be chasing the losses in my mind but that's better than using well-earned/saved cash. From now on I'll be thinking positively and I can't thank the ones on this site that have given me support.

Mo

A huge well done Mo. Next step maybe - blocks on your laptop etc??

Take care.

Feb.

Thanks Feb for post - it really means a lot to have your support. Since I closed my accounts yesterday I feel a sense of calm. I've never used my laptop for gambling, just my tablet on the sites that have now been shut down. I know I won't open any new accounts - I know you and others might be saying put blocks on just in case but I know my weakness was on the sites I had opened accounts, now they are permanently closed that's it.....I can't gamble there again. I just know the way my mind works and I now feel released from the control of online sites. That's not to say I will never think of gambling again or get urges as over the years even when I was gamble free from the arcades there were times I thought about it but I was able to fight those urges. I now find myself in the same frame of mind as when I stopped arcades 15/20 years ago. Online gambling is the worst addiction I can think of and so easy to fall into the trap. I know also that once a CG always a CG which means I need to be vigilant in the future if any new ways of gambling are put in my way.

I hope you are doing well Feb, I will try to find your diary and post to let you know how I'm getting on.

Be strong

Mo

Hi Mo

Glad you are feeling a lot calmer. You can find my diary under 18TH JAN - TIME TO MOVE ON.

Take care and stay strong.

Feb.