My Journey - A Diary by Kazo

Hello Fellow Addicts,

This is my first ever time posting anything like this online and I want to keep up a promise to the GamCare community that I will keep this topic frequently updated. Selfishly, I want to do this for my own benefit as a point of reflection throughout my life and if this can help anyone at any point in their recovery, it would be an added bonus. 

I'll give a brief introduction of my experience with gambling, then my attempts at recovery and conclude with my goals for the future. Thereon, I hope to keep this Topic going providing updates of my life with the ultimate aim of never placing a bet again. 

I'll go by the name Kazo and I'm a 25 year old gambling addict. No one in my family has a gambling problem and I come from a low income single parent (mum) household. My fathers an alcoholic and I don't know if its genetic or if I developed this addictive personality from childhood, but what I do know is that I'm a Gambling Addict. Strangely, I don't have have any other addictions apart from nicotine but that's a challenge for another day. 

First bet placed, aged 17. Local FOBT arcade offering promotions near college. At the time, placing £10-20 bets with the cash promotion doubling the deposit to play with. In all honesty I enjoyed it. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose but no real impact on studies and not yet affecting my family and friends. However, this is how it starts, progressively training my brain to frequent dopamine hits. 

From the age of 18, I was let loose in the world of online, land based and crypto casinos. I can sit here and write an encyclopaedia on the experiences. Deposits increasing ten fold, borrowing money from family and friends, running up payday loans leading to defaults, crippling debt, months behind on rent and bills, not having money for food and travel, losing multiple jobs, withdrawal from studies, broken relationships, becoming a compulsive liar, losing the trust of everyone around me and developing serious mental health issues such as insomnia, depression and suicidal contemplation - The list goes on. 

The last 7 years, I've still remained a gambling addict at heart with my most recent gamble being yesterday (13/01/2025). Addiction is nasty stuff. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. As I read many of the chats on this forum I really do feel for everyone here. Why did this happen to us? Everyone's the main character of their own story but gambling seems to affect all of us the same. From breaking families and relationships apart, to financial ruin, to ultimately consider whether life is even worth living. Gambling has taken me to the deepest and darkest places both in reality and in my mind and has had it's foot on my neck throughout my adult life.

I truly internalised that I was a gambling addict with no self control a few years back and below I'll list my attempts at recovery.

Age 19 I had to come clean to my mum about the gambling - not by free will. My web of lies and deceit became evident and eventually she saw through the facade. This was truly a horrific experience, however it provided me with so much relief. I honestly thought that this was going to be the end of my gambling but no. 

Age 20 - present, fully explored most methods of recovery:

GamStop - 5 years max ban and recently renewed for another 5 years. 

Website and land based blockers - tried a full range of free and paid software and registers.

In person and remote therapy with multiple counsellors referred by GamCare (good resource).

Hand over financial trust (online banking) to loved ones - attempted multiple times. 

GA meetings - going to my first one today. (will update on how this went)

Speaking to family and friends - many conversations. 

GP visits - many throughout the years, lots of antidepressants and mental health support. 

Rehabilitation centre  - almost checked in to one but no I haven't tried this and really don't want to. 

Sharing experiences online and journaling - doing this right now.  

Picking up hobbies to replace gambling habit - on and off different sports and recently picking up gym. 

I have tried everything really and if someone's reading this then I defo recommend giving everything above a go. After a massive relapse and loss, with no money for food or rent the last thing I want is someone telling me to pick up a hobby like tennis to replace the gambling. It took years to come around to doing a lot of the abovementioned attempts at recovery but it has genuinely helped.

There is however one big caveat - People can provide me support, I can make it extremely hard for myself to gamble, I can make promises to family and friends, I can let my mum or brother control my money, I can speak to GP's and Counsellors, I can take antidepressants, I can go to GA meetings and any other help that is available to me but I'm a gambling addict with no self control! If I crave it enough, there's nothing that can really stop me from gambling. 

After nearly a decade of compulsive gambling, recovery, being 'clean' from gambling for a few months to relapsing again, this is harsh revelation that I finally DEEPLY UNDERSTAND. It's stuck to me like a dirty parasite. I hate the fact that this is who I am but ultimately when I have that urge to gamble it's ME that makes the decision. 

So what now? 

I need to fight against this parasite daily for the rest of my life. It's not going to be easy, I may relapse but I need to pick myself backup and keep fighting. 

I've come close to ending it and it's not worth it. My life is worth living and I need to be strong. There are people that rely on me, I have big dreams and ambitions and I want a family and kids of my own one day. I need to be a good example for them.

Life is going to be hard and it's only going to get harder. I need to control the side of me that knows no self control. No one else can do it for me but me. So keep fighting, learn to forgive yourself and remember you need to love yourself before you can love someone else.  

I'll be going to that GA meeting today and I'll provide an update of the experience.

If you've taken your precious time to read this, you're a fantastic person! Let's both make the most of our life and minimise the grip this addiction has on us - I believe in you!