So today is Day 1 (again) of being a compulsive gambler who has relapsed. This isn’t something new having accepted my condition over 10 years ago but complacency, coupled with letting the beast out of its cage has ruined not only my families immediate financial future plans and now also put my marriage at risk by breaking the trust of the most important person in my life having promised to never gamble again and having told her last night I really am in a low place, somewhere I never wanted to be again.
Since I last attended a GA meeting and sought help a lot has changed in terms of available support and assistance .So I thought I would share my journey over the coming weeks and I hope this helps my own recovery and can either inspire or help others in their journey to tackle this disease. I feel like my immediate response to tackle this is to almost reflect on my gambling life and by capturing my thoughts and feelings will give me something to come back to in order to remember this point in my life because time does forget and I really hope I don’t relapse again.
So around 6 months ago I gambled for the first time in many years and unsurprisingly when all was said and done I lost!! The immediate shame, remorse and overwhelming guilt was the start of a cycle of deceit and selfishness that I did not have the strength to own and seek help earlier, apart from gambling more and more even when I did recover my losses I couldn’t stop despite promising myself I would.
My gambling started innocently enough. I would go to the arcades with my nan and feed 2p’s into the coin pushers, my dad also owned an old style slot machine that I would constantly jam up with pennies (I do have an interesting story that I will share one day about this very slot machine), then as I got older I would gamble with friends on fruit machines at the weekends in the pubs, this then manifested into the online Poker boom of the early 2000’s and then FOBT’S when I started doing my absolute guaranteed 15 team accumulators before football on a Saturday. Finally the straw that broke the camels back was online gambling and the ability for these casinos to make you feel that you weren’t spending any money, as you simply keep spending on your cards until they declined. I was never a big spending gambler until I started betting on FOBT’S and online casino’s. By not spending paper money seems to delay the realisation of how much you are actually spending and the need to chase those losses by simply handing over and or typing in those card details. So over time, I started betting more and more money and I started losing more and more money.
When I first started gambling I could handle the small losses, But as my gambling addiction got worse, the debts started to pile up. I started borrowing money I didn’t have, always believing I would win my money back. Even when I did win and it would of made things whole I didn’t stop and the whole song and merry dance would start again,
So here i am again repeating the same mistakes I promised I would never make again, I know that I'm hurting the people I love but right now, I have let my guard down and all I want to do is gamble and win that money back but I know it won’t stop there, I really have forgotten how much of a drug this is to me. I get a rush from the excitement that I will win big, even though that little voice in my head is screaming at me to stop I just don’t listen, I honestly feel that if I was gambling and someone put a bomb next to me I wouldn’t leave to the last possible second just in case that next spin, card or number was the number that would win me big. The rush is always followed by a crash whether I win or lose and I feel like a complete failure either way because I'm ashamed of myself and I'm scared of what the future holds if don’t gamble and get that big win.
I have the most amazing wife and children which is tangible but yet have risked it all again for something that is so intangible. I know that I need to get help again but I’m so ashamed of letting everyone down again even after this latest relapse.
So I have signed up to Gamblock, spoken with the amazing Gamcare operator for a further support referral,which also got me free Gamban for my phone and I will be going to GA next week. So my finances are another issue and with mortgage rates the way they are really has brought what I have done again home but I have now taken steps to address this and will be more open with my finances with my wife.
I want to get better again, I want to feel like my old self, not cry alone at night because I was too ashamed to sleep in the same bed as my wife. So I'm going to get help for myself, my wife and my family.
To be continued, I really hope GA gets me back on track.
A Compulsive Gambler
Good luck mate
I know its not easy but I can never understand why anyone who posts on here (supposedly because they want to stop gambling) who hasn't put all of the free blocks and self-exclusions in place? There are loads and it surely cant just be because they don't know about them?
And if you are strong enough to ring GamCare they will help so much more without being judgmental at all.
First thing I did when I got serious about quitting was self-exclude from ALL online gambling establishments. Then I used MOSES to self exclude from bookies. It made a massive difference as when that 'urge' comes, you have no choice but sit and suffer for a while. Cold Turkey!
As I said, good luck...you are trying and doing the right thing.
Mick
Hi Mate,
You are doing all the right things. I was in the same state as you last weekend. Finally admitted to my wife that I’ve got a problem and owned up to her that I’ve got into a lot of debt through gambling.
I am currently going cold turkey through applying gamblock, gamstop, speaking to gamcare and going to GA.
it’s not easy but I feel that talking to people at GA definitely helps.
wishing you all the best of luck with your recovery mate.
Danny
Good luck I’m on day one once again I have also been down the same path for many years my gambling got out of control many years ago on online bingo I put blocks in place on line felt good for a while sorted my finance out then felt free to gamble again so went to the local bingo halls (stupidly) thinking I could now control it then it weren’t long before I did the same again so excluded from there that was two years ago but even though my self exclusion is up I would never go back in to ask could I go back as I would find that too embarrassing but of the last few months I came across a local arcade and gues what I started going in there more regularly even if I won I still walked out with every penny spent back in the slots and my pockets and bank empty so tomorrow that’s another place I’m going to exclude from I’m embarrassed disappointed in my self but it as to be done I can’t keep finding new place so will have to work very hard to try and earn some of the money back and get my finances sorted but it’s a new day tomorrow and I’ve signed up to have telephone appointment with someone from gam care but I have to say you are braver than me I try and juggle money about and hide my debts from my partner and kids don’t no how it is getting harder to do I lie to everyone ,I’m embarrassed so I am a secret gambler but I can’t do it no more so new day tomorrow fresh start work very hard and I will get back in a happy place nice to read your story good luck wish you every success x
So, one week in and here is my update, latest thoughts and feelings from this week.
So, my wife and I have progressed in terms of accepting around what has happened and the steps we have taken together around our marriage and for myself to get help. I’m looking forward to the counselling that is coming up because I’m really hoping that talking will not just help me but my wife as well. I know that I have this disease and I always will do, but I need to get better and start re-building trust and start re-building for the future.
Going onto antidepressants wasn’t an easy decision but taking stock of everything that has happened not just since I started gambling again but reflecting upon my irritability, anxiousness, and the fact I was just so down and unhappy seems to be the right decision. I still think there is a stigma to antidepressants, but I need help with my mental health that looking back now I have ignored for so many years. Mental wellbeing is not viewed with such distain as when I was younger or in fact going back to my parents / grandparent’s generation (stiff upper lip and all that). I really don’t understand why I am so low; I have a beautiful wife and children but don’t have any enjoyment or appetite to do anything, I barely keep it together for work because if I lost my job then I wouldn’t know what to do. I have had suicidal thoughts and I do feel that I am just one more disaster or incident away from doing the unthinkable compared to a matter of months ago. So to anyone that reads this get help, be honest and throw yourself into whatever you can for support, if you truly want to stop gambling and even identify what causes you to gamble or makes you feel despondent like myself its never to late to tell the truth to those who matter the most.
So, with an open mind and being honest about everything with anybody that will listen has eased the loneliness and the mindset of getting better and taking my medicine has really hit home, as I just couldn’t carry on like this. This wasn’t just for the gambling, but this latest relapse was definitely the catalyst to bring everything out into the open. I still have reservations about who I tell about this, friends and family have known about my gambling problems for many years and are all still believing that I haven’t gambled but this time it feels more serious, namely being I have put my family, marriage, house and life at risk for what? Something that isn’t real or tangible! I guess I don’t want people looking at me differently or giving me pity which I don’t want. I should be getting the buzz of life from my family, friends or even my PS5 which I just don’t have the interest in anymore, I just want to get back to the person my wife married, the father my kids deserve and not take such irresponsible and reckless behaviour with life.
So GA my first meeting in god knows how many years. It was daunting walking back into the rooms again but the immediate welcome you receive that I remembered from last time was there, it immediately settled my apprehension about being in room full of strangers, even though we were there for the same reason. Its unnerving as many members have known each other for years and I could feel the eyes on me, probably wondering how long this person will be here for! I think that’s my own insecurities and shame for stopping going to the meetings all those years ago. When we went round the room and covered climbing the twelve steps its was rather poetic that when it came to me I talked about step 2 and how I came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking. I immediately felt that if I had kept up with my meetings, I would have had someone to speak or reach out for support and wouldn’t of been in this situation but at what other cost when thinking about my overall mental health.
I’m looking forward to my meeting next week, especially when I can introduce myself and say that I am compulsive gambler, and I haven’t had a bet since my last meeting.
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