[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Thank you Stephen and Murlo for stopping by my journal and your kind comments. They mean alot. xxx

Secret Santa Day. 

This may be a journal equivalent of word vomit but here goes.....

I had my flu jab yesterday. The Nurse is a wise old lass. She asked how I was but it was a loaded question. I was a wreck. I demolished a fridge pack Sunday night and I'd only got outta bed 10 mins before the appointment and hadn't brushed my hair and put on the same clothes from the day before. I told her what I did. We talked about my depression and how I'd had a bad time over the last week with my folks. I had my flu jab and my arm got mega itchy. She said it was prolly reacting like that cos I was fulla booze. She got me a glass of water and sorted out my mental health appointment. I think she was cross cos the Doctor left a clear note on my file about making sure that I get it when he wants to see me but I said that the reception staff just follow process and it's impossible to get through that process even if you ask them to refer to the notes. She weren't cross at me like. Just cross with the situation. She has sorted me an appointment for tommorow afternoon so that's good. 

I woke up today with a sore throat, runny nose and beginnings of a cough. I dunno if it's just a brief reaction to the jab or if I'm gonna get full on flu but I feel rubbish physically. 

I went to work. I had to take my bosses presents from our team cos I got nominated to buy them. Still haven't had a penny outta my teammates for it but I'll deal with that later. I'm not fussed cos I'm flush in the bank as of tommoz when I get two paydays plus two Christmas bonuses. 

I went to Sainsbury's and got some gift bags and wrapping paper and then wrapped them up in my old office. A was in there on his own and didn't mind me being in there for a bit. It was nice to catch up with him. His wife has Rheumatoid Arthritis too so he knows all about flu jabs and reactions and said his wife was knocked for six when she had hers. 

We did secret santa exchange of gifts at 11 and then a Christmas quiz at 11.30. Me and my teammates M and R won a toblerone by getting 12/12 on the music section. I let R take it cos M didn't want it and I'm not a huge fan of that chocolate. R was suited with it. He has sent me a FB request tonight so it's nice to be getting my friends list back up again with real people that I know. Not fake people off Twitter who don't care about me. 

I went home at dinner time. Hubby is feeling sick too. I made him some food and suggested he go to bed. 

I went to see Debbie at 3:15. I got there early for my appointment so played some Pokemon and went to the charity shop. I didn't see ought I liked in the shop but I did well on Pokemon and levelled up. 

I told Debbie all about my hellish week. Like I can look at it balanced such as going to the Theatre Saturday and that being good but real low points like calling Samiritans on Sunday night and not wanting to be around anymore. I must've scared the pants off of them with my very detailed plans cos they arranged a callback for Monday night. Thing is by Monday night, I was calm again cos I'd had what felt like love and support from the Nurse and that's all it took to make me think I can do some positive things. 

Like, I emailed my Tutor and asked for an extension on my assignment, I have the appointment with the Doctor coming up and I knew I was seeing Debbie today. I think the woman who called me last night sounded really relieved. 

Debbie listened to the good and bad of it all. Her comment that my parents are being abusive has struck a chord with me. I didn't think you could get abused as an adult cos you make a choice about how you react and whether to engage but there is so much planning and deceit and nastiness about the way they behave that I do agree it's abusive. They want to see me on Christmas day. I dunno if I'm gonna tell them the truth in an assertive way like I discussed with Debbie or just lie and say I'm sick or hungover or summat but I am absolutely not going because it's better to be alive and well and not see them than sick and doing bad things and hating myself because they hate me. 

This is all very depressing but it's not how I feel right now. 

I feel happy that I have sorted out my calendar to get things done and making better choices. 

I am happy to catch up with my recovery buddies. 

I am happy that since I joined Gamcare I have 95% of the time been gamble free. It's not perfect but I really would take that if I was having a performance review at work so why I haven't thought about it that way myself I don't know. A guy on the National Gambling Phone line gave me that nugget of wisdom. 

Okay, so my new and much improved plan. Stop reacting and start making better choices. Engage only with people that help my recovery and avoid/be assertive with people that don't. 

Don't get wellied anymore except for Christmas Day and New Years cos you know.....it's nice innit? 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

Drama, I am so sorry to read that you have been through such a sh***y time. I can’t be more pleased to hear that you are bouncing back though,  stronger for your experience. This is your life and anyone else in it is an invited guest. That’s what I like to tell myself sometimes. 

Missed you and love you x

It's nice to have you back drama xx 

Don't let people and their attitudes trouble you.. Don't let people make you fall apart.

Keep bringing us happiness in your Ted Baker bag on chat xxxxx????

Sick Day. 

Phoned in sick for work. This bug has taken hold. I'm sitting by the fire with the dog and I've got my Marvel blanket with the Avengers on it and I've built a pillow bed out of cushions. Gonna watch a movie and stay warm. It's too cold in the bedroom, it makes me cough more. May even have a snooze. 

I've been through my emails and junked all the casino stuff from my spree over the last week and set up rules so they go straight to junk (and delete) from now on. I know, I know, I should just get a new email but then I have to contact all the banks and credit cards and mortgage and energy suppliers and change it with them and that ain't happening today. Anyways, deleting all that crud was quite cathartic really. 

I may come on chat later. I may be asleep. Have a good day all. 

Drama x

Sorry your not feeling so good Drama but I imagine your quite comfy in your little Marvel/Avengers den.

Wishing you get better soon.

Stephen x 

Sick Day continued....

I did have a nap by the fire. Woke up feeling slightly brighter. All the badness is coming outta me through my nose. I'm gonna an absolute angel by the time this bug has gone! 

I watched a movie called 6 underground or summat like that. It was an action movie with fantastic scenery and filmed very cleverly, I enjoyed it. 

I asked Hubby to order 3 gas bottles for the Calor Gas fires. 2 x 7kg and 1 x 12kg for delivery. Now, to me this seemed like quite a simple task but he kept chatting me on the walkie-talkie for about 3 quarters of an hour and asking question after question. I got so annoyed that I just did it myself. Found somewhere local, called them and had them delivered within half an hour. Should've just done it myself in the first place. I get miffed that he is incapable of doing ought to lighten my load even the smallest amount. 

I went on chat at lunch. It was nice. 

I did some reading of my Contract Law book in the afternoon. I felt like it was better quality reading than I did the other day when I was horribly hungover. 

I went to see the Doctor at about 4. I told him what Debbie had said about ongoing treatment. I told him the very heavily edited version of my month, the good and the bad (You only get 10 mins with the GP). He thinks that ongoing counselling is important and gimme a form to fill out online to get a referral for that. I haven't done it yet. 

I agree, it makes sense to have some but I'm apprehensive cos I've told Debbie my life story and some of it is real tragic stuff that was difficult to get out. Like how do I start again with someone else? For example, when I say to Debbie about the time my Mum come in my room at night and did a horrid thing, she knows the story. I don't have to continue it and be all sick to my stomach and stuff. When I say that thing that happened in *city* she knows, I don't have to deep dive. It's all the deep diving that is painful and raw and hard to do. I am not looking forward to that. I guess that's why I haven't done the form yet. 

Tonight I went cleaning. I did both jobs in a couple of hours by ducking and diving. My cleaning boss phoned and told me he's giving me an extra £50 for all my hard work this year. Better than a kick in the teeth I spose but really really not fair recompense for my efforts over the last 12 months. 

When I finished, I went on chat. It was also a good chat. 

Then I made pie and mushy peas and mint sauce for tea. When Hubby saw the can of mushy peas, he was like I don't like them. I said you don't have to eat them, you can have summat else. He was like what you having? I told him and he went, oh yeah, no, I do like that! Honestly, he's such a child! 

I am watching some tellybox and then gonna go to up to bed with Hubby. Not staying up cos a) I am poorly and need the rest and b) I get really triggered by ought, it's my gambling time you see. Can't be triggered if I'm asleep now can I?!

G'nite All

Drama

xoxoxo

Drama, it is daunting starting afresh with a counsellor and having to retell your story. I have had the experience a couple of times now.  First time I didn’t manage it well, the other times much better. If I can offer any pearls of wisdom, more than happy to. 

I hope you get some good rest tonight and wake up feeling as though you have beaten the bugs x

Up and running again in chat

Sounds like hot bath, hot lemon and back to bed with your contract law book is in order for today. Really hope you feel better soon x

Day 6. 

I thought I was on day 5 so that's nice to know I have nearly done a week. 

I slept in. You are meant to ring in sick before 10a.m if you are going sick but I slept till lunchtime. My boss wasn't right fussed so that's good. Told me to just text tommoz to let him know what's what. That was also nice. Saving me trying to get through to him cos he's a hard guy to reach. 

I went on chat at lunch. I didn't stay too long. Feel a bit shattered today. Thought a bath and change of clothes would help. 

I had a hot bubble bath and put on some navy blue skinny jeans, my red hunter wellie socks and red christmas jumper with the roll neck and a navy blue and red-lined body warmer. 

I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby at 6. I then took him to the pub. Then I went to work at 8. Got both jobs done in 2 hours by ducking and diving. I come home and the other man that knows about dogs had been to see him also. Absoflippinlutelybrilliant! #not 

Hubby has just spent the last 15 minutes talking to me about how the Milky Way is going to collide with another Galaxy. I just asked him politely to go away. He has verbal diahorrea. I told him I want one quiet hour before I go to bed and I don't need to hear anymore about the Milky Way thank-you very much. 

I am knackered. I am feeling very unloved. It's the only way to explain the feeling. I want someone to run a bath for me. To rub vicks vapour rub on my back and tuck me into bed. 

Oh, I deleted my browsing history, cache memory and cookies this afternoon. Not because I am hiding what I did but just cos if I get wellied, it's too easy to go through recent places I visited and all the data would be stored there. Now, in future, if I'm in a low spot or triggered, I doubt I'll remember site names and user names and passwords and having to do resets if I did stumble on a place might just buy me time to think about what I'm doing. It just makes sense. It's been very easy to slip lately so I'm doing what I can when I'm strong to look after myself when I am weak. Noone else is gonna do it. 

D. 

Oh, I also paid off 3% off my credit card that I used this last week and I deleted it from my google wallet and I cut it up and threw it away in different bags. 

I hope I have done enough to keep me safe. 

D. 

I just posted on my FB....

"For everyone posting the Samaritans number cos it's close to Christmas, where the heck were you the other 11 months?!". 

I'm sorry but I just cannot pretend to put up with fake support just cos it's the holidays. 

D. 

I am worried that you are still awake

Sorry for making you worry. I did not gamble. I am on day 7. ?

? that has made my day.  I hope you are feeling better this morning x