My life with addiction

Thanks guys for the replies. I guess what I want is somebody to tell me to do x,y, and z and all will be good. I'm his mom and it kills me knowing how badly he hurts. That he has this void AND that I can't help fill it for him:(. I go to Gam Anon and should know that it's time to work my own program... some days its just so hard. Patience is not my strong suit.

Have a great gamble free day and I shall have a day of trying to "let it go"

Cathyxx

Amom,

I saw your question when you posted and in truth it had me stumped. What more could a f&f do for an active/ denial addict?

You've a had a great response from both Suzanne and Dan, but I feel the best answer was from your last post in answering your very own question. It really doesn't matter what side of the fence you come from where addictions are concerned, the only thing you can do is put your own personal recovery 1st and then see it slowly seep in to either the addict or the one/s who have been affected by compulsions, ie the innocent parties...

Thanks for asking that question

Thanks Volcano... therein lies the rub - working my own personal recovery is a b***ch 🙂

ODAAT!!

Cathyxx

Recovery requires complete honesty

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​You must be 100% completely honest with the people who are your supports. Your family, your therapist, your counsellor, the people in your GA room, your sponsor. If you can't be completely honest with them, you wont do well in recovery.

When your completely honest you don't give your addiction room to hide. When you lie you leave the door open to relapse.

One mistake people make in the early stages of recovery is they think that honesty means being honest about other people. They think they should share what's "wrong" with other people. But recovery isn't about fixing other people. It's about fixing your self. Stick with your own recovery. Focusing on what you don't like about others is easy because it deflects attention away from yourself.

Honesty won't come naturally in the beginning. You've spent so much time learning how to lie that telling the truth, no matter how good it is for you, won't feel natural. You'll have to practice telling the truth a few hundred times before it becomes a little easier. In the beginning, you'll have to stop yourself as you're telling a story, and say, actually now I think about it, it was more like this...

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A few well meaning cliches that have no basis in truth.

The first few weeks are the hardest. It will get easier.

Hmmm clearly not true. An even cursory look around these pages will show it isn't so. Relapse within a few days or weeks is uncommon. What you see on here is the same you will see anywhere in the field of addiction. The period between 3-18 months is the most common relapse time. Your chances of remaining addiction free continue to improve gradually after this, but statistics show it isn't until about 5 years free that the percentages turn in favour of stopping for good.

Relapse is part of recovery.

It isn't, it's part of the cycle of addiction. Soft words like blips & slips do nothing but allow the addict to sweep things under the carpet. Recovery is proven to be more difficult with every relapse you have, not unachievable, just harder. I have posted previously why the statement relapse is part of recovery is probably the most damaging statement we can make.

We are all different.

Possibly, but none of us are unique. Every story on here are almost identical. Started small, gradually got worse etc etc. Addiction has a huge spectrum are only differences are where we are on it.

Recovery is bespoke.

Is it? Is it really? Everyone I have ever seen doing well, do pretty much exactly the same thing. They commit to change, they remain motivated to keep changing. They seek help from others. They embrace honesty & attempt to reconnect with themselves and the world.

I've reached rock bottom.

No you haven't! Those that reached rock bottom are no longer around to talk about it.

I need to try harder.

Trying harder won't help. Trying something new might.

How are people supposed to get well when the information reported as facts can be to say the least misleading. The support offered on here is wonderful & perhaps that is it's place & purpose. But if it is to be used as a recovery aid, then truth needs airing along with tea & sympathy.

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Good points. Also been a bit sceptical about the 'recovery is bespoke' /'we are all different' sayings - as this validates any approach.

I guess it's not quite as black and white as with the treatment of a purely physical ailments, but there are still approaches which are sucessful and some which are not. Therefore, there are certain approaches which should be promoted on this forum and some which should not.

''Relapse is part of recovery' clearly doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Although to be fair, people are maybe just trying to be 'nice' when a person falls of the wagon. Of course people who fall off the wagon should be treated with compassion but it is clearly a problem if someone believes 'relapse is part of the problem' as it can be turned on its head to justify a relapse.

Thanks Dan

Louis

Ditto, more superb points.

Also want to agree with another post you sent - The realms of a hungry ghost, at present giving me a mind/ book freeze but a challenge to finish by Thursday as promised to therapist.

A good light reading book, more about the descent into addictions is Requiem for a dream by Hubert Selby jr. Once you've got over the NY slang a superb read from a fellow addict.

Interesting that you say the book Requiem for a Dream is light reading. I've not read it, but the film Requiem for a Dream is by a long, long distance, the most disturbing film I have ever watched in my life. Very good though if you can bear it.

(sorry Dan forgot this is yours not Paul's thread)

Hi Dan , Although I do agree with your points on cliche's , are you then saying that unless you have either long term experience of being on here or of addiction , or that youv'e attended GA been through the 12 steps or are in some way professionally involved with recovering addicts , that you shouldn't post such comments ?.

You know sometimes on here I feel it's not always about saying the right thing, just sometimes about someone being here to listen , make a comment and put your cyber arm around them , simply because at certain times in life thats just what we need !.

Don't get me wrong , in principle your comment's make sense but sometimes things aren't always as black and white as what a book on psychology might have you think ! People on here come with lots of gambling luggage and damage and particularly during the early stages ,they just want someone to say "There , there it will be alright " and sense doesn't always come into it !.

I 'm not saying it's ok to keep telling someone how marvellously there doing when they constantly relapse every couple of day's , then they really do need a kick up the **** but when you have somebody posting on here for the first few weeks , maybe a more compassionate approach is needed ?.

Compassion & empathy I'm all for Al & I also don't believe that only people with experience have a right to reply. It's not about beating people up or telling them they wrong. But addicts generally take the advice that sits with what their addiction addled mind wants to hear. I think I remember you saying you had type 2 diabetes (apologies if that's wrong) would the person you were looking to help you manage that be better to say there there Al nevermind, keep eating c rap & it will magically disappear or would it better serve you to hear the truth?

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No ! And your right about the Diabetes but the doctor at the time still gave compassion and if for a couple of days I decided to eat far too many carbs than was good for me , I wouldn't be dismissed as a failure ! Like with everything in life were all faced with choices and there in lies the individuality , what we choose to do with the information that makes us choose is down to the individual !

My tuppenys worth.

Completely agree with both. An addict has been so long living a lie, so the truth hurts the most.

This is where the process of support comes into it as both Alan and Dan have mentioned but using both sides of the coin.

I guess there's a key when/if it's worth jumping in with 2 feet or trying a gentle nudge.

It's a tough one. And maybe a reason why I only feel able to add any support to a few. Recovery can be so selfish and that is so hard to process after a lifetime of being selfish????

ps. Dan, did you struggle to understand the tried and trusted clichГ©s of GA? Something I don't understand in myself and some needless internal battles?

Oh ! And Ps , there's a lot of genetics involved in type 2 , so it's not all about eating c--P ! But as we've covered genetics I won't go there ! LOL

Lol. I agree with what your saying. Just well meaning statements around our addiction to make the addict feel better , often become seen as facts. I like a hug as much as the next man, just like my friends to tell me the truth while doing it

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