My New diary

Upon reflection this morning I don't really know what triggered the relapse. Maybe it was boredom or the need for a thrill. It isn't a money thing like it has been historically as I am ok on that front. I started by being £900 up and then once again I believe I can keep winning. As I have read before on here the point I can never win enough so I'll just keep gambling more and more. The £900 positive has now turned into £700 loss. Why do us CG's keep doing something that is emotionally hurting me and my family. I haven't slept well all week as I'm gambling on pointless tennis and NBA matches until the early hours. Time to start the countdown again!

Lost £2.5k in 24 hours. Lost total track of what I am spending and in a bad spiral. I've self excluded again. Time to stop and here I am up at 2.30am as I can't stand what I have done.

I'm still gambling and mixing but the big gain then big loss. Just trying to cancel and Close but at the moment I feel the need for the buzz. I will get to where I need to get to eventually just got to be strong again.

Another £2k gone tonight. I need to stop as this is getting out of control as I don't seem to be considering the consequences here.

. taking this quote off, admin have edited the real meaning out of it so it is now worthless. Sorry ND1.

I just wanted to talk through my day today as I opened random accounts and then closed and self excluded. All of this after losing £3k in the space of 24 hours - in total I estimate I've lost £6k over a two week period. This is going to sound stupid but I want to post regularly in terms of hours without a bet until I control the urges I am feeling. My last bet was 3 hours ago. I know what I need to do and I am going to close my CC to take away the means to gamble but I need the significant withdrawals to be processed first. Cut that standard triangle and I can start again. I've almost wiped out my savings which I worked hard to build up through my last phase of non gambling. Wish me luck and I'll keep posting as this does help me.

Hey ND1,

Have you thought about looking a bit deeper about why your gambling? I am assuming that the financial aspect of it is not affecting your day to day life. But by loosing 6k over a two week period, that may soon catch up with you? Is it about the money? Do you want to win more money than that? I just think you need to break the cycle because it just seems to keep going for you.

Hope things settle for you.

Julie x

Thanks for the comment Julie. I think it is a number of factors. It is largely about money as my addiction first started when I was in debt and trying to save for a house. As I got older I earnt more money and this allowed me to pay off the debts and save. As you can imagine this was done well through long periods where I stopped gambling. Recently I had a good bonus, changed jobs and this got me thinking about additional things I wanted to do such as new kitchen etc or new car and this stated me off again. I'd already closed all my current accounts and only had a separate ISA and a credit card with nothing on which I had shredded. A new card came through and away I went and I have funded my losses but just using up my savings. Another factor is I recently changed jobs and that meant some time off when I was bored between jobs and then when I started my new job it is taking a while to get up to the speed of responsibility that I am used to.

On the plus side it is over 12 hours since I last gambled.

At least I can post something positive as I am 1 day gamble free.

Just try and get to the next day for now. I've been there with stupid sports bets till god knows what hour of the morning - it's not normal behaviour. Here's to you making 48 hours gamble free . All the best

3 days gamble free.

Hiya ND1, sounds like you need to go back to basics, cut off access to cash and cards....no money, no gambling. You talk about blocking sites, but maybe look for more effective blocks on access to gambling, I'm sure others will be able to give some suggestions. Have you approached Gam Care for counselling, to try and find the root of your problem? Do you attend GA?

I've always been controlled with cash and it is always on line betting that I have issues with. I've paid off my cc with my savings and cut up the card. This takes away my access to funds as I do have control when it comes my current account as I closed all my personal ones and only have a joint account that I never use for gambling. I think I understand the causes as I am very self aware. It comes down to 3 things. 1) debt - historically I have gambled heavily to try and repay debt, obviously has never has worked. 2) Boredom - I don't like it when I have nothing to do or am not driven by anything. 3) Thrill factor - I used to play a lot of sport to a decent level and now through various injuries I don't anymore and I miss the buzz. I've stopped successfully for large chunks of time and replace these urges with other things that are far more healthy. Cutting off the access to gambling funds has so far helped and writing on here is also a positive even though I don't expect loads of people to read it. It has helped me reading others to see the struggles us CG's go through to try and get rid of the demons. Hopefully writing regularly helps me and others.

Today I have the first positive thing to write in a long time. Since my last post I have had some days off but just got back into it heavy again. Betting everyday, getting minimal sleep because I was up gambling on nba games or South American football! One weekend I would lose a grand then win 2k and then lose another £1k. Today I paid off my last gambling transactions on my credit card. Closed my accounts and cancelled my credit card. I have no means to gamble anymore as I just want to be normal again. The journay begins again for me. Wish me luck.