My New Life Starts Here !!!!

Well done keeping calm with the TV incident although I would ask why would you pay for it to be replaced? No amount of guilt can repair the damage your gambling has caused so perhaps run it past your wife 1st? Us not suffering the consequences of our actions is what enabled many us to gamble for as long as we did. My mum has continued to baby my niece & nephew since my sister died (guilt for not giving my sister the best she could because she was gambling although she strangely hasn't addressed this particular issue) & consequently it has made my niece (the more intelligent one) quite manipulative & irresponsible. The children are going to be confused & upset but there is no excuse for violence, what if the glass had caused him serious injury or it had been someone he was upset with not a innanimate object...I know you had a chat but maybe letting him pay for the damage isn't such a bad idea after all? You could always find him some extra jobs to do to pay it off faster.

Anyway, on a lighter note, congratulations on starting your second half century 🙂 I too am rooting for you & hope that you can continue to prove to your wife as well as yourself that this time you have figured it out - ODAAT

Hi Darren,

Well done on the 50 days, you're doing really well.

As you say, things like car bills etc.. were always triggers for me in the past. My initial thought for anything unexpected was that it wasn't an issue as I would win the money gambling. Who was I kidding!?!

Life is so much easier without gambling mate. OK there will be unexpected bills and other things sent to test us but gambling is certainly not the answer.

Not be long before you're talking about 100 days. Take it easy.

PA

Thanks Suzy, Odaat and Proudarab for your words they are always taken on board.

I think a few days without the use of a Tv and the more I've reflected on the situation I will be asking my youngest son to pay at least half toward a new Tv, it might just make him respect things a little more I'm hoping ! It doesn't look a cheap fix on the car front unfortunately but that's life ain't it and many a time things like this would of lead me to gamble ! On a brighter note my eldest son who is doing his 'A' Levels this year had applied to get a Higher Level apprenticeship in Nuclear Engineering has just found out today he has got through to the Assesment Day and Interview stage which I am throughly thrilled and so proud of him.

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

Darren

' It's good to talk and take it one day a time '

And, may I say Darren that your doing in admirably.

I'm not a fan of clichГ©s but your walking the walk, with admirable actions rather than words.

The best we've got isn't always necessary enough but it's all we've got and if every day you can look in the mirror and say that, well in my small book that deserves a pat on the back.

Your making great strides and you don't need me to tell you, but a reminder is always good but complacency is now your enemy and gambling was just some symptom with which your dealing with.

Strength and honor

As you probably an tell by the time of this post at 3.30 am my head is running wild with me not through the thought of gambling though might I admit but by messages I'm getting from my wife over everything that has gone on because of gambling !! I'm getting to the point now I think where I'm about to crack up and I honestly think this is what my wife is wanting to happen to hurt me as much as she probably can for what I've done to her and the kids through gambling !! If 2 people love each other as much as we tell each other how come we can't sort things out and work through things I ask myself ? She tells me I will never realise the hurt and pain her and the 2 boys are going through and I'm not the person she thought I was because of my gambling and I understand where she is coming from, but I'm asking myself at the moment, ( hence why I can't sleep as there's thousands of things going through my head ) if it's like a game and because I've f****d up there lives is she trying to do the same to me and get even ? As like anything in the early days when everything happens people are around and show an interest for you and your well being then everything gradually slides away, this is how I feel right now and really this forum is my only relief for everything that's going on in my life at the moment. I just think the whole world is against me at the moment and if it wasn't for my 2 boys who I don't see everyday but do speak to I would be in the looney bin by now, but I might not be far off it how I feel at the moment !! I know we can have good days and bad days and I'm definitely having a few bad days but I'm not going to gamble that's for sure ! I felt I had to write this in my diary as to show recovery is not always the bed of roses it's seems and there's plenty of bumpy roads on the way. I'm 56 days GF now and intend to build on this even through these bad days ! Sorry for my babble/rant but I felt I needed to !!

Many thanks to all who have read my diary and left comments so far they are very much appreciated.

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

Darren

Hi Darren

I feel for you I really do. As you know from my diary I completely get the pain and the sense of loss you are feeling. You have to stay gamble free though, it is your only hope for a life you can be happy and proud of. You may lose your wife and for that I feel sad for you but you have 2 kids you love unconditionally, that can never be taken away. Please think to yourself when even thinking of the next mistake what your kids would feel if they saw you in that moment.

Take care mate and stay strong. I will keep an eye on this diary and wish you the best every day.

You cannot control you're wifes actions or the pain she is feeling. Maybe she does want to inflict some hurt on you and you probably feel like you deserve it. What she may not ever understand is we inflict enough pain on ourselves with all the regrets and what ifs. You have to let her vent and leave her to her own pain and suffering as hard as that is. There is nothing you can do other than be the guy you want to be, prove it to yourself first and maybe she will see in time what she really means to you. there are no guarantees though and you may have to accept that it is finally too much for her to put up with.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but only she can make her decision and know what is best for her.

Cheers Matt for your words as they are spot on and you are probably most definitely right regards how my wife n kids are feeling, as you've done in your diary I've done nothing but cry about my wife and kids for the past couple of days I'm a right mess at the moment and have rung the doctors as I'm not sleeping and getting myself more and more down and I know I can't do this for the sake of my 2 boys who are my world, if I carry on like this I will crack up very soon ! I know I've got to do what I'm doing for myself but when you've have someone around you for 21 years and now there not there it's an awful feeling it really is !!! I seem big and brave on the outside but inside I'm a little P***y cat. On the brightside I'm going away with the boys shopping on Friday and am looking forward to it even though money it tight at the moment.

I am sorry I can't be more positive for you or give you some hope but we can only help ourselves mate.

I went to Holland and Barrett and bought some herbal stuff to help my low mood. It is called 5-HTP. I am not saying it is a world beater but it produces Serotonin (the good feeling hormone) it is also apparently good for addiction battling too. Worth a shot?

Enjoy the shopping

You are so right Matt we can only help ourselves and we have no control on the other things going on in our lives, I think I just feel sorry for myself from time to time and think the whole world is against me !! I will give em a try cheers for the info and hope your keeping well yourself !!

Exactly, that has been my biggest battle to date, I wish my girls were coming back but I know they are not. All I can do is look after me now and pray for their future happiness. It is an awful feeling, it nearly drove me to a breakdown or worse suicide. I know that cannot happen though and I must get through this and find my true self again.

I hate everything I have done but I will make sure in the future I am someone worthy of happiness and maybe inspire people in the future to come back from the brink into something incredible (if that isn't too dramatic).

I wish you all the best mate and will keep up with your story.

Hi all

Just a quick update on the week. To say this week has being an emotional one is to say the least, it started off with a bit a txt message war with my wife who I hadn't heard from for a week till last Monday when she vented her anger and hurt out on me through txt messages, I know you can read texts messages in many different ways and I myself was just reading the worst case scenario into them all. I couldn't get these messages out of my head and until Thursday was crying most days and nights and only having 2/3 hours of sleep a night which isn't good ! I'm booked into see the doctor with regards my sleeping early next week which hopefully will get sorted as this is not helping me at the moment. Yesterday I spent the day with my 2 boys shopping which I must say we all throughly enjoyed having the day away albeit Dad was a bit lighter in the pocket Lol and we then had a nice meal at the end of the day, I dropped the eldest back off at home and the youngest stayed with me last night which was good to do again.

This period now for me is going to be a trying one as I've got a lot of time on my hands now for the next couple of week as I'm off work. I know I've got to keep myself busy everyday and get the days planned as to what I'm doing so I don't have the temptation to gamble ( which I'm now 60 days GF ) and that feels very good, also I need to keep busy so I'm not thinking everything in my head 24/7 as what might happen with my wife and boys in the future which I must admit is very hard to do knowing what outcome I want ( us all being a family again ) or is this just the selfishness in me coming out again ? Think I'm going to live at the gym during this period and out and about on my road bike, also I've started running yes running something I can't remember doing since my early twenties and must say I'm enjoying it and have a few goals I've set myself with regards this. No thoughts of gambling still and I think this will rear its ugly head sometime soon and I need to be able to deal with it when this does happen, also I'm back to see my counsellor this week after a week off due to her holidays and I can say I mist not having this session I really did and might of being the reasons why I've being very emotional this past week. Got my GA meeting on Monday so hopefully get back on track with dealing with things especially my emotions which I'm finding very hard at the moment.

Darren

Thanks for your comment on my diary Darren.

Sorry to hear things have been a bit tough on you this week. It seems like things feel like a bit of a mess at the moment? From my point of view, you have achieved 60 days GF which is something I've never managed. That is incredible. I hope your situation begins to repair soon and you can start to rebuild your life.

You are going in the right direction but with anything, I guess it takes time right?

Well this last week was a lot better than the previous week where I was very emotional about everything that's going on, but this last week I've keep myself very busy as I have being doing my Dads bathroom for him and been busy everyday and keeping my mind occupied and not even had time to think about gambling. I know that the Cheltenham festival is coming up and is something I always use to look forward to, but I'm back at work then so that will help me as long as I stay strong in my mind ! Had my councilling session again which went very well and also attended my GA session which I find very helpful on my road to recovery. I've got another week off work this week but have got plenty of stuff planned in keeping myself busy and my mind occupied. Still no movement on the home front with my wife but spent the weekend with the kids which is always nice and I've got my fingers crossed for my eldest lad who has a interview for a Higher Level Apprenticeship on Monday. Today is day 68 GF and I must say it does feel good when we are not gambling ! It's all about staying focused and strong and taking things one day at a time at the moment and I know there are going to be good days and bad days !

"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"

Darren

Had another good last week keeping myself busy and had the youngest again at the weekend and was ok till he went home and then felt at a bit of a loose end and a bit down, but stopped feeling sorry for myself as I went out for a run. Back to work today for me and couldn't be better timing with Cheltenham Festival starting tomorrow, so I'm gunna be busy by being at work and when I'm off on Friday I've already got my day planned out as not to be about or around when the racing is on as I'm determined not to fall back into the horrible gambling lifestyle that's got me where I'm at now living without my family. It's very hard not having the people you love very much around you like in the past but I've got to be strong for myself and whatever happens in the future happens ! Today is day 76 GF for me and I'm taking it one day at a time and life does feel so much better not gambling !!

Darren