My Recovery Diary

Hey BenC,

First of all, well done on stopping. By starting a dairy, you will receive tons of support from many great people on here. It's a terrible addiction, so put forth your best effort to abstain and you will get your life back. The first couple weeks are really tough, but it does get a bit better after that. Try to educate yourself on the addiction, that way you can understand how it affected yourself. Get a good solid plan in place for your recovery. You said your going for an assessment, so it sounds like your taking up therapy. I'am a compulsive gambler also, my g.o.c. was slots. I went for an assessment also at an outpatient addiction center for gambling, and passed with flying colors to be accepted into their compulsive gamblers program. It's been a rock for me, the 1 on 1 therapy and group counseling sessions have been a incredible part of my recovery. I have a thread going in the intros section under "chart of compulsive gambling and recovery" check it out, it's info from my group therapy classes. Again you made the right choice by choosing to stop. I wish you the best in your recovery process.

Chicagoguy

Chicago,

thanks for your response i have spent the last half hour reading your 'chart of CG and recovery' and it was really helpful in trying to begin to understand the illness. i guess once we all learn to understand what it is and how it works then we can conquer it. the profiling of a CG also resonated massively with me but besides the negative attributes we may have we all have a big streak of competitiveness in us and harnassing that for positive instead of destruction through trying to 'beat' gambling is what i intent to try to do. thanks for your support. all the best

Hi BenC. I am similar to you in that lost all my savings to the casino games. Can also imagine how hard it must be having a friend that has won big on the poker scene but just try and put it in perspective, yes he has done well and hopefully he will have a good life from it but he is in the tiny % that do, just like say footballers that make it to premiership. Think of all the park footballers that dont, only for them they can lead a normal life, for us it costs us a fortune. Also his winnings are only there mainly from mugs like us putting money to the bookies/casinos. If you were going to be like him, you wouldve been by now. I think Ive finally faced up to it now that even if I did get lucky and go on a run of winning big, my compulsive gambler in me would ruin it. Also when not gambling I am a far nicer person, not anxious with massive mood swings etc where all my thoughts are purely on the next bet. I'm in early stages after relapsing but along with every one else on here am just taking it one day at a time. We will get there eventually!

mile end thanks for your post, since coming on here even just for a day the responses i have had have made me realise that there is an amazing support network out there. ironically i live in mile end which may or may not be where you live (i dont expect to to confirm) but it helps to think that there are people a lot closer to home going through the same thing as me. i agree with everything you say and i have realised that my condition means that like you say even when we win big it will soon all go back the way it cam from because that is how we are wired. i also know that this is all my own doing and do not for one second blame anyone else for my actions. i have already found myself thinking forward in a more positive way about work, relationships etc but also realise this will be a long and potentially winding road but step one has been taken. best of luck bro keep up your strength it really does help people like me to hear about your story

does anyone let their partners see their posts? i want my girlfriend to be part of this but would like advice from anyone who has asked themselves a similar question. i guess if i am going to be completely honest it my help her understand something which she is finding really difficult to get her head around. any help much appreciated as always

been nearly a week since i posted in my diary so just a quick one to say i am now on day 8 still gamble free and feeling good for it. i have been far more productive at work and far more stable in my mood. i am concerned that this is partly becaause i don't have the money to gamble as i lost most of it earlier in the month leading me to take these steps. so i am a little worried what will happen come payday and the devils rears his drity little head again. i am determined to stay strong though!

Ben,

Just been having a quick scan of your opening post mate. Firstly, well done for getting involved here - you'll find a load of useful support and advice from like-minded people.

There are many similarities between our situations. I am slightly older than you (29), and have often struggled with the fact I'm a compulsive gambler. Like you, the vast majority of the past ten years have been spent NOT gambling... I always distanced myself from from those people who couldn't go a day without betting. But the reality with me - is that when I do start, it will inevitably end in complete melt-down and self-destruction.

Between 2011-12, I spent 18 months happily abstaining. I started a business, got engaged to my wonderful fiancee, and cleared all my debts. I also stuck a good deal of cash in the bank and was making a real success of my life. Then, in December, I slipped - and fell hard. I did £30k in 6 days; maxing every line of credit I could lay my hands on. It's a figure that still turns my stomach now.

Anyway... my point is that I spent a long time going to GA meetings / doing some counselling etc. looking at people thinking 'I can control this,' 'I'll never become like them.' Even more than this - people looked at me as a young lad and told me 'don't become like us - you have your whole life ahead of you.' Now, the boot is on the other foot.

I have come to accept that we're all the same. I cannot bet a single penny - ever. Because it will surely lead to my destruction. I am successful in business, sport, socially etc - but I will never, ever lead a happy life when gambling is part of it.

I've gone off on a bit tangent there, but hopefully you get where I'm coming from. You're doing a great thing jacking it in mate. And your pal who makes money playing poker? He might be lucky... he might not be a compulsive gambler. But I am.

D123

D123 thanks for the post really appreciate it. i actually read a number of your posts the other day and was referring to you when discussing my situation with my best friend as there are a number of similarities in our situation.

i think there is a huge misconception (myself included prior to finding this site) that the majority of people with gambling addictions do it all day, every day when the reality is that this can affect anyone at anytime and once its got a hold of you it is not easy to shift.

i am now on day 14 gamble free and had my assessment on monday after which i was recommended one on one sessions to try to understand better why i have picked up so many destructive habits when on the face of things i have a good life.

i had a dream last night about plaing poker online and winning every hand i played which i think maybe attributable to watching the England game last night and a ********* advert being displayed on the ad boards next to the pitch which got my attention.

i felt really awful about it this morning as in my dream i was starting to convince myself that i was fine again and i could go back to casually gambling. i was obviously very glad on waking up and realising it was a dream although felt i needed to post something to get it off my chest.

still concerned about payday coming up as this will be the first true test to see whether i am starting to alter my behaviour when i have the money in front of me to gamble...onwards and upwards (hopefully)

had a few drinks last night with a good friend of mine and realised how vulnerable i was afterwards. all my guards were down while the compulsions to gamble were very much up and consequences of such actions a very small consideration.

thankfully i did abstain but not sure if i had the money in my pocket that it would ghave ended the same way.

hope i can stay strong. really don't want to return the misery of life with gambling involved

Hey BenC,

Stay strong, try to stop drinking for awhile if you can, the alcohol lowers your inhibitions and will open that door you don't want to go through. Were learning in group therapy a lot of relapse's are caused from alcohol. You need some time to gain your strength, you'll get there, it just takes patience. Well done!

Chicagoguy

Chicagoguy thanks for the words of advice. You really are doing a great job of being a supportive member of this community so thank you. Hope all is going well in your recovery.

I am now day 20 and feeling stronger each day.

I have been getting far more active and involved at work and trying to exercise more. I would strongly advise this to anyone. helathy body, healthy mind and all that...

looking forward to my first one on one counseilling session on 8th april.

onwards and upwards!

Day 30

not feeling great. counselling session was a lot harder than I thought it would be. brought up a lot of s**t from my past that I thought I had dealt with but not so sure now.

really knocked me sideways for a day or two. girlfriend has gone away for a week with her fam so feeling pretty vulnerable as she is not around to distract me when i am at home.

not feeling great, but still gamble free although the urges are strong. have lost motivation at work too but hoping it is momentary. I haven't been eating well or exercising which I think plays quite a bit part, really need to get motivated to do that as i know it will make me feel better.

anyway moan over

Ben - first up, well done on racking up 30days gamble-free. You want to give yourself a big pat on the back for that.

Sounds like you're going through a rough patch - sorry to hear that. Rest assured that there will be good days and bad days; ups and downs along a turbulent path. It's easy to think there's an inevitability about falling back into gambling... you're feeling vulnerable / your girlfriend's away / you have a lot of s**t to deal with from your counselling... and you could be forgiven for thinking that gambling's a viable option.

But these tough times will pass. If you can stay strong & maintain your resolve just for today, it will leave you so much stronger in the future. Do whatever you can to keep abstaining mate - it might not seem it, but there are blue skies ahead.

D123

Cheers D123 appreciate the support.

Managed to weather the storm of the weekend and come out without succoming to the temptation.

Feeling stronger again today day 33 clean...