My Recovery Diary

Hi Simon and thanks for your support. I see your writing your thoughts on the back of a gambling binge. I relate of course. Its horrible isn't those first 24 hours. If its any crumb of comfort those really intense feelings of self-loathing usually pass quite quickly.

From what i read of your diary your clearly an intelligent man and my guess is that you have all the self-awareness as to the Why questions. There is always a build up I think and its emotional in nature. For some of us I think that too much self-analysis can actually be counter-productive as it simply becomes another way to avoid making the changes that we are aware of but find hard. I speak for myself here anyway.

Get down the gym and work off some of that angst within. I find exercise helps alot. Onwards and upwards.. S.A

Hi Simon.

Sorry to read of your recent gambling binge. You know what you need to do to get back on track.

It was kind of you to post on my diary. You told me exactly what i needed to hear. Boredom is very much my trigger to gamble and as i contemplate a lazy Saturday afternoon i would be lying if i said that thoughts of a bet had not crossed my mind. I'm very much aware that i am only one bet away from disaster and your own recent lapse has reinforced that.

I hope you have a good gamble-free weekend and that you get back on the road to recovery.

Thanks to S.A and Curly for your posts today. Just wanted to write a few more words as I am finding it all very difficult at the moment. It is self loathing, which is what S.A mentioned and I have been through this so many times in the past I know what I have to go through and how long I have to wait before I can start to think clearly again. I just hate the process, especially the constant feeling of guilt and remorse.

I am not even sure how or why I gambled in the first place because I was doing so well, very positive and happy and although a few thoughts of gambling here and there I was mostly on top of it all. I know its to do with my friend Nick. Whenever I am around him I watch him gamble or hear him talk about it. Even when I am back home in Bath he'll send me picture messages of slot wins he is getting playing on his own from home. It just all builds up I suppose and up to this point I have never been strong enough to ask him to stop it, but now I will. I don't see what chance I have of stopping and staying stopped if I don't rewrite this script that has been the same for so many years now between us.

£1,550 thrown away in 2 days, what a waste. He lost £3,000 in that period and so far £6,000 this month alone. He is now £29,000 in debt on credit cards which seem only to be getting higher. Utter madness. I know some don't talk about amounts but I am doing it deliberately in my own diary because I know it will help remind me how crazy it gets when I read it back again. When I have lost a certain amount and feel it is all over I just chuck the last few hundred away doing silly bets trying to chase the losses, I am sure many can relate to that. We both did that for the last £500 each last night playing £5, £10 and then £20 a go on slot machines. Of course we won nothing, and actually I am pleased otherwise I would probably still be caught up in it all. Honestly, its crazy crazy behaviour. When we started 2 days ago all happy and excited it was £2.70 a spin. How quickly the behaviour becomes irrational following a series of losses. I struggle trying to accept the losses over the years, they are huge.

Just a little note to myself...

Dear diary, well done Simon for getting through today without a bet. A day is a long time when gambling is fresh in your mind, particularly when you have suffered heavy losses and think of nothing other than chasing to get your money back. You have not given in to those voices, you found the strength to resist. You have done that because you want to make a better life for yourself and strive to be a better person. You have achieved a lot today and can feel proud. Come back tomorrow and write more. Good night buddy, and well done.

Hi Simon, well done on the non-gambling, like you say a day is a long time when its still fresh in the mind so saying just for today i will not gamble is a big statement, maybe look at hour by hour?? I'm finding coming on here is really helping me out, just good to be able to express our thoughts to other like minded people.

My mrs looks after all our money so i don't have a bank card, i had to come clean not too long ago after using her bank cards and credit cards, she takes her purse to bed with her now!! Just wanted to emphasise with you why we gamble...i have a gambling friend (i wouldn't call him a compulsive gambler) but he thinks we do it cos we need the money or the big win, i'm like you, definitely don't gamble because i need the money, i live more than comfortably on what i earn without gambling, so i think its part boredom, part adrenalin rush and also my ego knowing i can pick the right result with a stake on it to back it up, as soon as i'm behind thats it...i'm chasing and anything can happen then. I also associate drinking with gambling, i might decide i wanna have a bottle of wine after work, which in turn means i wanna have a gamble usually on the NBA which as you can imagine i know absolutely nothing about!!! So i have a 50/50 guess at odds of 5/6 just to feed my habbit and ultimately always lose.

Well, good luck with it all mate, keep me posted on how you're doing and just do your best to stay clean. All the best

Keith

Thanks for your response Keith. You are right about the association with drink. I hadn't mentioned that but its definitly something that happens with me too. A counseller helped me realise that about a year ago. I have a liking for red wine and when I am drinking I am always gambling, the two seem to go together. I often get drunk as a result of drinking and gambling into the night (or sometimes throughout the day) and before you know it I have lost all sense of what I am doing and start placing ridiculous bets.

I remember last Christmas my final few bets playing live dealer roulette online were £500-£600 a spin. I had initially started with 25p chips doing know more than £3-£5 a spin. It's utter madness. I didn't have a clue what amounts I had on what numbers and had no clue what I would win when any number came up. I had all the numbers covered so I was going to win something. I do remember winning £7.20 on one of the £500 bets. Crazy times.

Well its been a few days now without a bet and I am pleased with myself. It hurts though to keep thinking about the financial loss. I wish I could block it out somehow but I can't. Every time I have to spend money on something (like petrol yesterday) all I can think of is that this tank of petrol has just cost me £1,550. The same happens if I buy anything else. I think of my flat which has suffered heavy water damage recently and only just getting back into a livable state - all the things that need doing and how the £1,550 would have covered some of those. I also need a new garden fence and that was something I was going to look at during this summer. I am selling off my savings of £4,000 in premium bonds this week to pay off the debts I have recently given myself due to my gambling binge.

The feelings will pass at some point I know, but boy why do I put myself through this? Self-destruction is an understatement. I must really hate myself and have the lowest self-esteem ever to want to do all this to myself. Anyway, I am slowly rebuilding and the horrible thoughts are something I cannot escape. They are a necessary part of the healing process.

Wishing you all a healthy, gambling free day.

Simon,reading through your posts from the beginning has certainly put me through the wringer!!

I havent gambled as much as you or for as long.however it is clear to see from looking from ythe otside in is that your friend clearly doesnt care about you,you may not want to hear that but this is definitely the case.

You send him a heartfelt message about your fears for yourself and for him and he send s you pictures of him gambling yet you say he is in debt!! He needs help but first you need to be selfish and concentrate on you.

My friends phoned me up and told me that they were glad i came clean and told me that it was a mugs game,and that they would be there to help no matter what.

My friends want to go to vegas next year as we are all getting on a bit and want to sample things why we still can,however the first thing discussed was me and how we can deal with the gambling experience.There are other things to sample in vegas other than the gambling and i know my mates would never push me into that world again,(true pals) your friend needs help but you need to get out more,go to the gym seek old friends out (facebook) etc etc but for once number one is your priority or you will forever be adding "my first day not gambling" your too smart to let that continually happen,so i think you already know what to do.

All the best mate.

Hi Simon,

Just a quick post to say a massive thanks for the post on my diary. I found it very eye opening, and its really got me thinking about a lot of things. I will take the time to catch up on your diary and post later but for now a big thanks.

Dave

Thanks for taking the time to read my diary Lee and I appreciate your words. You are right about my friend. I have known what I have to do for years but never done it. The reason is because he is my best friend and I know that all we have in common (really) is the gambling together, if you take that away there probably isn't much left for us to talk about or do other than play golf. We used to play snooker and we very occasionally have a meal together. We don't go to the cinema, we don't go out to other places during the day or the evening and we have had only one proper holiday in 23 years of friendship. Its pretty sad. I have clung onto this friendship because he is a best friend, and to do that I have had to keep up the gambling because that's what's held it together.

To be fair though, I have always loved gambling also so I would never want to blame my friend as its always been my choice. I just know that if he was strong enough to make the decision to stop then I could be strong too. Whenever I have wanted to stop, which was years ago now, back in the 90s when I first went to a GA meeting, he was happy to carry on and go further into debt. I never was. I have tried so many times over the years to stop but always found it hard because all the two of us ever do is discuss gambling. I have never understood how he doesn't want to stop and why he enjoys it so much, especially when faced with so much debt. That just doesn't make any logical sense to my mind. The sad truth is we have encouraged each other in a destructive way.

So, with regard to the immediate future I have already taken steps to put some distance between us to remove the temptation for each other to play. I have said that we can meet periodically for golf at weekends, half way between Bath and Surrey. I have asked him not to come up and visit me in Bath for a long time, and I don't know myself yet how long that will be, I'll see as time goes on. Neither will I come down and visit my Mum for a while because when I do, we always end up gambling using her PC at the house. My friend is in full agreement with all of this so that's good. What I feel sad about is that at some point he's going to go back because he's never gone more than a few months without it. He's just not strong enough and it seems gambling is his only pleasure in life. I find it so sad (for him) and as a friend it bugs the hell out of me to see him do this to himself. I know I have to be selfish and concentrate on my own recovery, and I will, but I do care for him a lot. Who wouldn't after knowing someone for 23 years?

Just for today I will not gamble.

That must a difficult thing to do, seems you have put procedures in place, but reading your last thread got me thinking why dont you write what your feelings down in letters (from your diary and other personal issues) to him which are between the both of you. Maybe that could give him a jolt and realise that you are best mates and that you care about him and vice versa? maybe he could do tthe same and between you your advice could help each other.

Maybe he feels the only reason you are mates with him is due to gambling? just a thought and im rambling.

Hope everything goes well for you both

Cheers for your comments Lee.

Wanting to have a little rant in my diary this morning about day to day stuff. Over Easter I drove to my Mum's and spent a couple of weeks catching up with friends and other family members. I had a massive row with my brother last Christmas and we haven't spoken since. There have been several times over the years that this has happened because of our totally different personalities that always seem to clash. I was intent on resolving it (again) this Easter and did, only for us to be having an argument again now via text message. I can see another period of distance between us coming up again. Its pathetic and drives me insane. I need to be careful because these are the moments I'd go straight back to gambling to escape. I have also been battling hard against feelings of wanting to chase back my losses from about a week ago. Need to be as focussed as I can, keep reminding myself why I am here and to know and accept that gambling will only ever make things worse. Please God, help me to get through today. Just for today I will not gamble.

Nice one simon, you're doing well. Nice that you can see clearly what your triggers are that make you wanna gamble, therefore you can be proactive in seeing whats coming, keep it going as you know where chasing losses takes you. Try and think of all the extra time you have to do things without gambling, its not just money this disease has robbed you, its all your time and your clear thinking too. Stay healthy my friend

Thanks Keith, I really needed to hear something like that. Appreciate your support a lot. I am OK and haven't gambled since I wrote that a little earlier, neither have I any intention of doing so. I am going to the dump now to chuck a few old things out, then straight to the gym for a 2 hour workout then on to Tesco for some shopping. Have just spent the last hour juggling finances from one card to another etc. Very depressing because I have no money to pay things off with and this time a week ago I had £1,550. I just can't make sense of why I did it. Anyway, I don't want to be negative, have to try and be as positive as possible. Hope all is well with others. Back again later.

Simon,

Well done to you. Your strength and determination is infectious.

Just wanted to say that I think you should use this moment to do a few things;

1- Exclude from as many places as possible. Close your online accounts.

2-Simplify your financial position so that you can have a predictable about to repay every month. Don't crucify yourself too much through self loathing etc..

3-After number 2 above, cut up as many cards as possible. Give any remaining to another person. i.e. remove all control you have from your finances. It sounds a pain and it is, but its worth it when the urges come along in a few days/weeks time.

4- Continue to use help. Stick with this forum and whatever forums work for you... they will help you to remember why you can't allow yourself to be complacent.

Most of all, you can do it, and you will.

Brian

Many thanks for your post mydiary. I am following your advice and will be emailing all the online casinos I still have active accounts with. I should have done that anyway by now. Thanks for the reminder. I will also address the other points you make.

Well, I have just been in the chat room on this site for the last half hour and spoken with DaveP, Lee, A New Life, Rebecca, Graham and others. Its great to chat with some of you that have posted in my diary and given me a real boost this evening. In fact, thanks to everybody's supportive comments whether in chat, diary or both. Thanks also to the Netline service and to Stephanie who got me through the first few days.

I don't know when my last bet was but somewhere around a week ago. I am just happy I haven't gambled today. I went to the gym and did a one hour workout. It felt good. I worked really hard and burnt off 900 calories, not bad and a good start to shifting some belly fat and getting back into shape. I then went shopping and ate a healthy meal before going into chat for a bit.

I am spending the evening preparing my radio show for Saturday at Somer Valley FM, a local community radio station in my area. I have been working as a volunteer presenter for the last couple of years and I really enjoy it. If you fancy listening in then look up the website in Google, my show is called Saturday Songbook and broadcasts between 11-12.

Today has turned out to be a positive day then and that's good. I am meeting my girlfriend for lunch tomorrow so looking forward to that. Also received an email from my friend which was really supportive so that's been a great boost also. He says he wants to give up for a while although who knows how long a while is? I know I have t concentrate on my own recovery and not worry about what choices he makes, and I will. I want to live a gambling free life and just be 'normal.' My thoughts and best wishes to you all.