My Recovery Diary

Hi Simon,

Good news on hitting the gym, i keep thinking i've got to get down there, really gonna make an effort to get down there tomorrow although i say that every day!! When's your radio how then?? Is it in the afternoon or the evening?? I'd love to log in and have a listen.

Good news your friend wants to have a break from gambling, at least there's a desire there to stop even if it means short-term perhaps that will grow further. I'm thinking its something you could share together just like you shared gambling together.

All the best

Keith

Hi Keith, the show is 11am for 1 hour Saturday mornings. Google 'Somer Valley FM' and go to the Programmes section of the site, then click Saturday. Be great to have you tuned in. Any requests, just let me know!

I thought I'd copy and paste the email that my friend sent earlier:

Hi Si

Can't believe you only just got back to Radstock, thought you were going home last Saturday? Anyway, glad you got home safely and hopefully now you can get back to your 'normal' life pre Easter.

Total owed is £1060 - £1000 which we both lost gambling plus £60 which is half of the charges that I will be charged by MBNA - they charge 3% for all withdrawals.

Can you also please speak to Micki about the two pairs of sunglasses (both expensive ones) that she still has? Don't worry about having to pay be back straight away....obviously if you can pay me back in the next month, then great, but otherwise don't worry. Total debts are just shy of £28k as of this week!!

I've thought about gambling a couple of times this week, but it just shows how much gambling is down to boredom as I have kept myself busy this week by playing golf on Sunday, going to Ikea on Monday, then the gym on Tuesday and last night, and then tonight after work, I'm off to play 9 holes as have now joined Richings Golf Club.

You mentioned on an earlier email that you will only be able to play golf on Saturdays.....well I plan to join a league at Richings Park and enter competitions, and I'm not sure if these are on Saturdays, Sundays or both? Plan to play at least 2 to 3 times a week going forward and get my handicap down to around 12 by the end of the year. Though played off the white tees on Sunday and such a difference to off the yellow tees....just an extra 30 to 40 yards on some holes, but shots were landing in bunkers that off the yellow tee would easily clear them!!

Take care, look after yourself and together we'll get through this...plus things will be a lot easier in a month or so.

Nick

Hi simon,

just checked out your website for the radio station. I'm playing cricket this saturday so i'll be leaving home around 1130 but i'll make sure i catch the 1st half hour of the show, i'll drop an email to the show if i can think of a good tune you can play for me. I've found a nice poem on the internet, i once heard it in a meeting and the words are so powerful. Have a look at it on my diary. Have a good day

Keith

Thanks Keith, will do. Enjoy the cricket!

Hello diary...

Well I am feeling pretty sharp at the moment. Just managed to get a 1 hour workout in before the gym closed at 10 so that's good. I am training 5-6 times a week with a goal of losing 3lb a week so we'll see how it goes. Feeling mentally good after the workouts so that's a positive.

Today has been a better day than yesterday. Seemed to be very vulnerable throughout yesterday and thoughts of gambling (chasing my recent losses) were quite strong. Got through it with a strong determination to change my lifestyle once and for all though. Thanks to higher powers and people on this site for your support too.

Got to really keep focussed this time round. At the end of the day its down to me what happens from this point on. Nobody is ever going to take my hand, walk me into a betting place and make me have a bet, it will only ever be by my own choice. I just want to remind myself what the outcome will be if I make that choice: sleepless nights, feelings of being a failure, beating myself up mentally, low self-esteem, a complete lack of confidence, losing my social skills and becoming reclusive, losing my girlfriend Michelle, ignoring family and close friends, losing any savings and exhausting all credit and going further in debt, giving up on myself and possibly life in general because I simply can't take anymore of this punishment. I could add to this list.

Simon, read your diary over and over and over again. Then read other people's diaries and continue to post. Don't ever put it off for any reason. Remember what brought you here. Use your intelligence and know that going back to gambling will only ever produce the same result, time and time again. You can want it to be different but it never will be. You are 42 years old this year. You have experimented with gambling and tested the water since aged 13 and always the result is the same. You have no control over your gambling Simon. You cannot walk away whether you win or whether you lose. If you gamble you will always lose. Don't give into temptation. See it for what it is. Take control of your own life and don't let gambling take control of you. There is nothing gambling can give you. All the rewards from life come from not gambling.

Now go back to page 1 of this diary Simon and read it until you arrive back at this page. Never forget why you are here. Continue with your diary tomorrow.

Just for today I will not gamble.

WELL DONE SIMON.

Simon,

love reading your diary, you're a real inspiration to me and many others out there. You seem a real intelligent guy and you know all the rules on how to stay clean aspire to be a better person. Like you i can't keep away from this site, better logging on to here than an online casino right??!! We need to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint...a life long commitment to become a better person. Saying just for today is a start and i hope that stays strong with us for a long time to come because as long as we're in this frame of mind our guards will never fall. Keep it up my friend and keep the demons out.

Look forward to your show tomorrow

Keith

Simon, first of all thank you for the post!.

Secondly, I am sure we have met before?

Anyway, 3lb per week is quite a lot of weight to lose? Just ensure you don't lose anymore than that, because it is deemed unhealthy and dangerous!

Back to the gambling, I too like you had some really good support from a particular person on this website way back in the begining, and certain people on here I find an inspiration to us all....Even the negative feedback I receive from time to time is put towards some 'good use'. In addition,what do the casino's do with all the money they earn....Is what you said in an earlier post...1) they expand their business 2) they go on holidays smoking massive cigars, drinking champagne and bed loads of h*****s in one night 3) they absolutely laugh their heads off at people who lose everything they earned. Well I have decided to take a vacation minus the cigar...And laugh my head off... because I do not and will not gamble again because; I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

Take care.

Easy li£e

Thanks for the post easy, I literally just posted my comments on your diary so we are logged on at the same time! Shame the chat isn't open. Any thoughts where you know me from? Is it posting on here, GA meetings over the years or somewhere else offline? I live in Bath, Nottingham and Surrey before, so I have attended GA meetings in those areas over the past 15 years, but not very often in the last 5-6 years, probably because I was in the midst of gambling again. The main GA meetings I attended were Baker Street, Slough, Kingston Upon Thames and Nottingham - not in that order.

So, hello diary for today. I'll start with my feelings and mood for the day. Been very tired due to late night and getting up early for golf, but that's made me feel in a relaxed mood eating and watching tv so all good.

From a gambling viewpoint, well I have thought quite a lot about the recent loss. I am trying not to and I have already mentioned it a lot on here so I don't want to keep on but nonetheless that has been an ongoing thought. There's little point dwelling because its not coming back, I know. The problem is wanting to chase because I feel the casino 'owes' it back to me. I haven't done it, and I won't, but the thought has been there several times over the course of the day.

The radio show went well yesterday and if you're reading Keith, I did play you a song and mention you around 11.30am, so hope you heard it before you left for you're cricket game. Did you play by the way? It was raining all day here in Bath.

Don't feel there's anything else I want to say really for today. I have been reading other people's diaries and posting. That's what keeps me going so its not always necessary to keep writing in my own diary. I want to make a point of coming into the chat room later so I look forward to catching up with some of you then.

Hope everyone is doing well and keeping the gambling demons at bay.

I am just reading people's diaries before getting ready for bed and wanted to copy and paste the following statement Jac made in S.A's diary recently:

"It always brings heartache, always."

I want to embed that statement firmly in my head and repeat it to myself every day. That sums it all up for me in one simple sentence. See you tomorrow diary.

Well done on getting through another gamble free day, its one day at the time and you've done another fantastic job today. Cricket was a great day although we lost. I'm the worst no.11 you could imagine and i scored 10 no...told the team they let me down and i run out of partners!!!

Here's to tomorrow my friend, lets beat this illness and its evil roots.

Keith

Hiya Simon,

Thank you for your thoughtful message on my diary the other day. Glad to see that your gamble free days are mounting up. Great stuff.

I tuned into your show on Saturday...found it very relaxing while I was working 🙂 much of the songs I had never heard before so was good, cos I'm a bit music obsessive.

Best Wishes with everything.

Delgirl x

Hi Diary, many thanks to those of you that have posted.

Well what a morning! I have been reading diaries since 8am and still here now. This last post to my own diary will be it because I have to get through stuff in the afternoon. What a great feeling I have though having spent so much time on the site. I realise just how much its helping me. Very powerful group therapy.

I see some names that I remember from a while ago coming back to the forum after periods of binging. I am one of them. Its good, but sad too. How much I wish we could all stop and stay stopped. Its up to us individually though and I know how testing it can be. I am determined though, really am.

Is gambling so important, I mean really? Its just a distraction from what's going on in the real world. I came across it at a young age, liked it, and have continued to do it up to the present day. But when I think about it, why? OK, its a habit and habits are hard to break, so they say. Well I am breaking this one. I feel fired up today with a lot of inner strength and strong will. I want to see gambling for what it is. I don't hate it but I don't want to get drawn into it. There are better things to be doing with my time. Here's a list of tasks I want to achieve by the end of this week:

- Apply for at least 2 jobs

- Write in my diary at least one post a day

- Call Mum

- Write to Jules

- Gym every day

- Cut out alcohol for rest of week after today

- Post off insurance documents

- Forgive myself and let go of the past

That's it. That is a manageable list of tasks for this week. Thanks to all who read and contribute to my recovery. I wish you well.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Simon - you have really been through the wringer haven't you? I can remember the last time I was here in Jan 10 and reading that first post with your email to your friend.

Sorry to hear you have gone back to it (not sure exactly when and how many times because I haven't read the whole thing).

This really is an awful awful thing and I just hope to god that I can close my book now at the age of 28 but truth is I'm really not sure I can. I'm 18 days in at the moment and want to continue but I know I'm always one moment away from being drawn back in.

Has anyone suggested a Gamcare get together event? I know it sounds a bit like a wierd love in but would be great to meet some of the names from here and share experiences and offer mutual support.

Just an idea. Thanks for the post and stick around here mate. We can do this surely we can.

Thanks for posts 1000days and a38. I suppose I have really been through the wringer yes, but the idiotic thing is I chose to put myself there! That's what frustrates me so much about this 'illness.' I hate that gambling can have control over me when generally in my life I am a strong character and don't let anything (or anyone) have power over me. Its not a coincidence that intelligent people become addicted to gambling I am sure. There is definitely a connection.

You say you want to close the book on gambling. I am sure we all do when we end up here. At the beginning when we have lost everything and see little hope all we can think about is closing the book for good. Unfortunately, and I say that because I think it is unfortunate for us, some point down the line when life is suddenly great again, when we have money back in our accounts and when we feel 'invincible,' we start playing with the fire once more. I have done it so many times myself. The stupidity is how we convince ourselves it will be different somehow. Yet we know deep down it never is. So why do we go ahead and do it? I think the simple answer is because we want to, and that's it.

All I know is that the way I am feeling at this moment I don't want to gamble. I am tackling this one day at a time, which is an approach I haven't used before. I am posting and reading other people's diaries every day. I am here more than anywhere else in life at the moment but its fine because I need it.

I want to focus on staying clear of gambling so I can make a better life for myself, so its not just about not gambling, there's so much more to be gained. I can spend more time with my girlfriend and work on having a better relationship with her. I can spend more time on relationships with family and friends and make amends where I have neglected them so much in the past.

When I next feel tempted to gamble, and I know I will at some point, I want to be armed and ready this time round. I want to ask myself honestly, "Simon, why do you want to suddenly self-destruct today?" Because for me, that is precisely what its about. I tend to gamble when life is going perfectly! Bizarre I know. I have to get to the bottom of this. Well, this is my journey so I'll keep you posted, literally!

You're idea about meeting up sounds like a good one and if such a meeting were arranged I would attend and look forward to it.

You remembered my post from before, thanks. As well as yourself and others, I remember winningpost, 28black and Stumper who posted a lot in my diary. I would love to hear from them again as others in some way become a part of your own life when you are in recovery together. I do hope they are all keeping well and not caught up in gambling.

Today is significant because the sale of my premium bonds will be paid into my bank account. This is both good and bad. Its good because I can pay off my recent gambling debts. Its bad, because I no longer have any premium bonds or other savings because I gambled.

Received an email from my best friend yesterday and was amazed, and confused, at what he wrote. Here's a copy and paste:

"It's funny when you write about Gamcare as to me, by doing this, you are constantly reminding yourself about gambling every time you log on, where as I have thought about it probably twice in the last 10 days. Still playing the lottery and have actually just bought some tickets for the new ***** jackpot tonight which is just a small £85 million!! Glad to hear though that you are finding Gamcare helpful."

You can see why staying away from gambling has been so difficult for me. My friend can't see the benefit of Gamcare at all and would never come to such a place. Mind you, that's because he's happy with his decisions in life about gambling and I guess I am not. But seriously, I can't get my head around this. How can someone who is £28,000 in debt - all of it gambling debt - take such a view and forget already about a £6,000 loss alone in April just gone? I mean, to my mind this is madness. I know he will be back gambling online sometime this month using more credit cards. It will get to a point when he will never be able to pay off the debt because its so big. He does earn £30,000 a year so has a chance to pay it off if he makes a sensible decision now but he never takes the debt seriously and tells me everyone is in debt and its fine.

Perhaps the reason I struggle so much with this is because I want him to stop because together we can be stronger and it will help me. Is that selfish and wrong of me? I guess I have to remember this is about me and not him but please, will someone reading this just remind me that I am normal and doing the right thing? I can get so confused when I am with my friend and start doing what he does because he is so convincing. Is everybody really in debt to the tune of £30,000 in life? I can't believe that.

In other news, I must look for a job today and at least apply for one that I have meant to do since before Easter. Why do I keep putting off looking for work? I hate that I have fallen into this rut.

Well, that's it for the mo. I am sure I'll post again a little later.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Simon - great honest post and all made sense to me and are feelings I can relate to.

My Mum, Dad, friends and some collegues know that I am a compulsive gambler and I am in recovery day by day not gambling. The support has been amazing and everyone is rooting for me but my mum always says "Andrew, you are so intelligent I don't understand why you gamble". I have no idea how to respond to this. Yes I am intelligent but so are loads and loads of gambnling addicts accross the country. It is not just old down and outs who hang around the bookies Mum!!!! Gambling is so much bigger than that.

Why do I do it?

- boredom

- need for a buzz and danger

- because I love it.

That is the truth I love it but I hate it. I love challenging the bookie and thinking that I know better than them. I don't of course.

I think a Gamcare get together somewhere would be brilliant. I would look forward to it to and would give me something to focus for. I wonder who could set that up??

Anyway I enjoy your posts so keep reading posting and NOT GAMBLING.

Thanks for the post a38. Have a good, gambling free day today.

Not much to say in my diary for today. Life is good. I am feeling OK and not being tempted to gamble. I am reading and posting a lot in other people's diaries and that gives me the strength and motivation to go on. 2 days ago I got immense strength from reading diaries. I was at it for about 5 hours into the early morning. Its great and I'd far rather be doing that than gambling.

There is the aspect of finding work for me and I really want to put the effort in with that, so I am doing that immediately following this post. I have been signed off work for over a year due to a mental health problem but I feel ready to start work again now so I want to apply for jobs. The problem is that I keep procrastinating so I am doing my best to get past that. I'll keep you posted.

Have a great day all and many thanks to all who read my diary whether you post replies or not.

Just for today I will not gamble.