My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Hey all, feeling discouraged tonight, not because anything to do with gambling but because of life itself. In our town, I live in a small town there has been in the last one week news of death of an old friend of mine meaning of known her for years she was not very old only in her 50s she died of cancer we thought she'd be at the battle but it came back and killed her. And news of two separate snowmobile accidents resulting in death . one of the cases was very sad it was a boy that was a classmate of my younger brother , he was in the accident last week the family and friends have been doing prayer chains posting on Facebook and everyone is been praying and praying and just begging for him to get better, but today they found out he was brain-dead and had to pull the plug and he died. I feel very sad and emotional tonight and I tried to go visit another friend to discuss everything . Visited with her for about an hour, that was good it kept me from doing some thing stupid, like gambling or drinking to cope with the sad feelings, but I just feel so sad and it isn't going away.! A sad night for me. I will be attending the one friends funeral tomorrow. Also, can't get a hold of my significant other he works in another state actually, we usually talk around this time of night, but every now and again with his work schedule we don't get to talk. I'm feeling a little like I could've used a talk with him, but then again, I may be in no mood to talk to anybody, and is not always his job to soothe my every emotionally. I'm trying to learn how to emotionally soothe myself and my relationship with him is just emotionally supposed to be the icing on the cake. I think part of our past relationship problems is: I depended on him for all my emotional needs. I was a true codependent , Until learned that that was unhealthy. Anyways, I'm just rambling tonight. I think the best thing to do is be kind to myself,and go to bed early, and hope a good night sleep will make things seem more bearable tomorrow. I guess the only pertinent thing on this thread, is I had the brief thought of gambling to anesthetize myself from the pain, but I didn't. Which I guess is good .

last night I went to a closer by casino only to play the $50 free play they sent me, when I was gone I left and when did something with friends instead! It felt good to do something with friends again. I have been a recluse and only running to gamble until just recently when I've decided that I need to take this up to change my life again another way I was doing things wasn't healthy. I also plans on Friday night to do something with another friend I kind of forced myself to reach out to make plans with people but now I'm glad I did hoping to get closer with my old friends again. Feeling hopeful.

So I did my allotted gambling this weekend, and I started to spend more than I had planned. However, I did win back that money plus a couple of hundred dollars, and I was able to leave the casino with my winnings, unlike a prior time several months ago when I won 600 and some dollars and spent it all back one of my goals is when I win is to leave the casino with the winnings now I want to avoid going for a while until I get more free play or something to play on because I Will just be slowly spending the winnings back otherwise LOL it's only winnings of a few hundred dollars nothing huge but still I'd rather use the money for my upcoming trip my significant other and I are taking to Florida he works in another state we will both be meeting in Florida and that will be our little mini winter vacation

Addendum: I also spent a lot of time with friends that I had not spent much time with, during this weekend. It felt good to get back and doing other things besides gambling. I making it a goal to start doing something at least once or twice a week besides gambling, to also make my life more well-rounded, which is part of my plan to control my gambling more and to be happier, more well-rounded person.

Hello Jenilee

Found your posts again.....

i will comment on them as a whole as nearly asleep atm...

I would like to say well done on managing to control so far....the amount you are spending....i would still look at the associated costs though with testing yourself so often....for example the casino trips with hotel stay and then food as the gambling session is a fair lump of time allocated....and the amount of $40 each weekend could soon add up with travelling costs and over night stays.....

yet maybe it is proportionate and affordable at the current costs for you....

as long as it doesn't progress and you feel like the need to increase further on the set affordable limit....??

it is good to hear you are able to leave the gambling and go out with friends and family etc....do you have regrets when it is time to leave??? or relief as you have made it out of the temptation zone???? what do you feel, at that crucial point???

From my personal view after being gamble free just 30 days....i certainly feel good not to have the constant struggle you always get in the gambling situation of "will this bet win back what i just lost a few minutes before" or the endless "up and down" in the hours of play when one minute i down, the next up, and ultimately down in the end and sick and tired 9 times out of 10....etc....

From your posts .... do you still really want to gamble or do you want more to prove you can control it and not have it control you?

i personally hate the fact it had control of me and reading your posts, i want myself to go prove i can control it and set limits and keep to them........................unfortunately for me personally i know i would fail sooner rather than latter so have let that battles' victory go to the gambling.....the battle i now face is starving the possiblility of a rematch with an opponent that will obliterate me!

(for me.....its like deciding to kill the devil.....yet i have the devil within me......i ultimately would have to kill myself - so to survive i cannot be in that battle - just avoid it)

It seems you are swimming in dangerous waters each time.....to prove gambling has not won......a torturous task....unless it still brings joy to you..??....maybe just stop entering the water and have fun on the sand??

These are just thoughts.....to invoke a response......not saying what you are doing is not achievable as it is for many but certainly not all..........i just hope it is something that does work for you long term as i too well know the results if it is isn't...

i do not wish that on anyone.................

Finally a seperate feeling to voice..............really sad to hear of the pain of the dying of friends/loved ones/people in your community.... i think that it is ok to be down and sad and feel low about these horrible events.....if we felt anything but this then it would show they meant nothing to us inside....we need to feel loss to realise lifes worth and peoples touch on our own souls....we are but human and cannot always be fixed....what we feel makes us what we are though....and we should embrace that even when it gets us down.

Gambling can make us numb.....pain is the balance....

here's to less gambling and therefore less pain....

Regards

Wayne

Thanks again for the update it, as interacting with others has been more helpful than just posting on my own (though if others don't have time to interact I will still post)

haven't been on in a couple days but here is the honest truth of what's been going on. I did have a slip up when I went gambling Friday night I went by myself and I spent way too much. I figured out everything out and it won't interfere with my bills I will still be able to meet my obligations. It is still money that would have been better spent on something else. I kind of what lost track of some of the things I am trying to watch out for, a main one is I went by myself, on a payday, and there was lots of money in my account. On the bright side as much as I spent I could've spent much much more in the passed it would have been much much more devastating, I don't want to downplay my slip up as I consider it by spending too much, but I also like to think that it could've been much worse. There were times in the olden days when I would've spent all that was on my account or spent even double what I spent at Cetera. There's a couple thousand more dollars I could've got my hands on easily and yet I did not. The next day which was yesterday, I went gambling with my mother. I decided to go to a casino where I have a large chunk of free play given to me weekly. Therefore I'm gambling just the free play. My goal when I went was to not play any real money at all, as I thought I had lost enough the night before. I was honest with my mother about losing the night before and told her that the only reason I was going yesterday is because I was playing a free play and would she hold onto my money and card so I could not spend any real money , as I had already spent too much for the weekend. Actually, when we got there I forgot to give her my cards and money and so that I could've went and got them in the car anytime. But I never did. I stuck to my goal slowly playing the free play. Betting small and reasonable to make the free play last the whole gambling trip. So I would not get into any real money. I did win $97 off of the free play. And I took every red cent of it home. I was motivated by the prior days episode to take any cash I want to offer the free play home. The $97 I won, did not recoup what lost the night before, but it was almost $100 back of what I had spent so it helped . I had to wait the last half hour for my mother. I was not tempted to spend any of the $97 ...I had it in my head my goal to take what I could win off the free play home. So I got my control back for yesterday, at least.

I have mixed feelings about the loss of control Friday night. I don't know if it's proof that I can never change as someone here will probably say (please be kind I am trying very hard to change and this is a journey for me even though I continue to gamble, I just ask that you be kind in your comments)

or i don't know if my slip up is just normal part of a slip ups on the way to changing.

As many of you know if were read my diaries I used to drink heavily for several years and had an alcoholic/party lifestyle. I know have been under control for many years off and going over a month at a time without drinking, not really caring that much if I drink or not, but if the situation comes up I can now enjoy a glass or two of wine or beer socially which I guess is unusual for former alcoholic? But I have had counselors told me that some can do it and I am one of the sound. So I'm still evaluating my slip up Friday night and what it meant and my return of control Saturday. Today being Sunday I had a brief wish to go to the casino just a common passing urge, I resisted it I took myself out for some takeout lunch instead and then return home to sit by the fire is it's freezing cold below 0° here. So this is all just wanted to post an update welcome any comments, just please be kind.

Well done on being honest - we are not here to judge you - just to help

I think simply writing down what you did and how it made you feel and then evaluating that on the page it's written can provide in itself some very clear answers.

You certainly are unusual in the fact that you can have a few drinks after being a former alcoholic without it re-engaging you in the addiction. - That is not possible for most alcoholics.

These schemes of free play and promotions are very tempting to make us justify the risk of losing as lower - but usually they entice us there and give us the taste of gambling that we then become to depend on and return to no matter what cost or promotion may or may not be on.

It again is rare to end up better off from any such offer long term ----- unless of course you have ultimate control and a great mathematical understanding of what to bet on and where and for how long......

even if you had all the above the odds are in the casino's favour..........it can be acheived by a few non romantics but for most spells DISASTER....

Best Regards

Wayne (36 days gamble free)

My goodness Jenilee, you must have amazing strength 🙂 Congratulations for beating the booze, I only hope your SO can be as successful! The path to your gambling recovery is not what I could choose for myself because no matter how hard I have tried, I have never been able to control my spending. I do think that the slip was inevitable but I am extremely impressed that you were able to display control when you went with your Mother! I would be worried that this control was afforded by being 'up' rather than trying to chase your losses & would suggest that is something you should keep an eye on! The Casinos know they are onto a winner giving out promotions as the 'house' always wins in the end! Maybe like with your drinking, you could be one of the lucky few that does learn moderation 🙂

Keep strong - ODAAT

Thank you both for your comments and for keeping it kind LOL. I know for a fact that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm trying to do, I appreciate the fact that we can have a respect full discussion about it nonetheless. And your comments have been helpful in my thinking process and making me consider different aspects of why I do what I do, if I will be able to do what I'm trying to do at Cetera I am on my way to work so I don't have much time to post this morning only wanted to say that I continued to have a Gamble free day yesterday and now my goal is to go until next Monday a week from today before gambling. That day is chosen because I am staying right next to a casino that day to wait a flight out to Florida the next day for vacation in the meet up with my SO. Yay. Will be first time I've seen him in six weeks! So I figured I would push back my normal weekend gambling day not gamble this coming weekend and hold it off till that Monday night since I'll be staying near the casino and have to drive near anyway the airport I'm flying out of is right near the casino. Wish me luck and holding off until that time which is part of my maintaining control goal to only go when I say I am going to go etc. everyone have a great day

Hi Jenilee, we're not here to judge & more importantly from me, people in glass houses should not throw stones. I have only given up my 'beloved' fruities & although I haven't been to Bingo yet (probably because I'm barred and am not quite ready to face the humiliation of begging to be allowed back) I am still doing the lottery & wouldn't turn down a night @ the dogs or a day @ Ascot (not that I'd ever get invited)! @ the moment I am so angry with what I did with my life that the whole idea of loving to be able to control my gambling is well & truely out of the window but I am fully aware it could sneak back in @ anytime & I have to remain on guard because I know that for me, that is not an option!

We are all different & whilst I'm not sure how helpful it would have been for me to read lots of diarys of people managing control, yours is very comprehensive and is so far removed from a miracle that you deserve to be one of the very small minority! I think pushing the day back is a wonderful idea but also be prepared to be strict with your budget when you have these days!

Stay strong - ODAAT

Thank you very much for your kind comments everybody's kindness has brought tears to my eyes. Even though I am not trying for exactly the same goal as all of you I still struggle with gambling and many of the same emotion struggles and challenges even though my goal is slightly different. Thank you for understanding that and for welcoming me to the forum. I look forward to more dialogs with you all. I feel like this journey is part of what is helping me to gain the control I am slowly gaining.

Well today's post, kind of a discouraging day. Not really due to gameplaying just one of those days that test you. In the old days I for sure would've went gambling tonight or last night. Now I am more able to resist those are just especially since I tell myself I have to wait till Monday cause I'll be staying right at the casino/airport area Monday. Work has just been hell for two days and getting further behind instead of caught up and I have a very high stress job. Feeling a bit disconnected from my boyfriend, as u will recall we are in a long-distance relationship, he has been tired from work I assume, work factors for him and or personal factors for him of coming to play where he has a really not wanted to talk the last couple days after work other than to just say good night and he sounded grumpy. I'm one of those people I always think it has to do with me. And I'm starting to try to learn sometimes it doesn't have to do with me when he's in a grumpy mood. But at same time I don't want to overlook problems, as we've had problems in the past, I don't want to be a fool to bury my head in the sand. I don't know if any of that make sense to anyone unless you've been there in a relationship. Wondering if you're overreacting but not wanting to under react either. My gut tells me I'm overreacting but I need to just let him have his space and be grumpy sometimes! Did resist a small urge to gamble tonight was easier to resist then would've been years ago. Think it's true the less you go the less strong urges are maybe. Instead Took myself out for some takeout food, not the healthiest choice, but as my sister oncw said when she heard about a time when I resisted gambling, choosing to get take out instead, she said that i can't beat myself up for not avoiding every temptation if I avoided gambling which was my main vice so I should allow myself A little slack. As I said at the beginning in the post, feeling discouraged tonight after the way things have not been going ideal for the last day or two, but at least succeeded in resist thing gambling which would've been driven by emotions and fatigue and stress and would've been a bad choice for tonight. I'm kind of realizing that the times when you were wanting to do it due to stress emotions or problems is the absolute times when you shouldn't do it, even if you choose to do it at other times I E on the weekend. I think the differences going when you planned an outing versus going when you're stressed or fatigued or lonely or tired at Cetera don't know if anyone else agrees.

Hi Jenilee,

Read your posts with interest and i guess your chosen way in dealing with this addiction is not for many. I also see, that controlling gambling is huge challenge for you. I was like you few times and thought that little bet here and there won't hurt. How wrong was i.... we all have different goals we are aiming for in this recovery and if yours is to limit your gambling to "safe" amount, let it be, i know I'm out of that category cause i just cannot stop. As long as this approach is working for you, keep at it. For me, it is complete abstinence.
re alcohol, well done for getting that one under control. I think i am safe to say that your current situation with gambling reflects with mine on drinking front. I noticed i have a problem but trying to have a drink "occasionally". Of course full abstinence would be my aim..and maybe it will be one day. Maybe the same with you and gambling. The fear of falling deeper in a long haul, or finding something positive to spend your cash on might be a key to fully stop one day. Once again, no judgement here. I have no right for that. If you feel you can gamble only on the days you set for yourself as well as amounts, this is great!! Maybe you don't have this addiction in your blood..but please, stay cautious..it is very slippery slope.

re your thoughts about some "low" days. You had few thoughts of "unplanned gaming" but you have chosen to have something to eat instead. Well done, you can fight urges away and this can only be positive.gambling is a lot to do with mentality i suppose. For some it's easier to tackle urges for others it requires a lot more strength and determination. ..we are all different.
There was a blog on overcoming last year about difference of "problem" gambler and "compulsive" gambler. The only way i see these two is going from first one to the second....where gambling is on your mind 24/7.
But again, i reckon you keep that distance from that one...and good on you if you can successfully manage to keep that barrier up...this is not easy.
Recovery is bespoke and we use all the techniques which helps us. As long as we are making progress and start feeling difference with ourselves. For the better of course.

Sorry yo hear your other half become a little grumpy. Distance relationship is very hard for both parts. I read in your earlier post about you flying out to see him sometime this week. There is your chance to lay the "cards on the table" and express how you feel. Be honest, be you..you never know, maybe you both will find solution solving your long distanced relationship out 🙂

Waffling on here lol..just wanted to tell you to stay safe...and keep to your limits. Plus...leave your mind open about complete abstinence one day. Worth a try :-)...no pressure of course lol

Take care

Sandra xx

Sandra how lovely to have a reply from another new poster I read your post with interest and I appreciate your thoughts and they all make sense to me actually and I do keep an open mind about abstinence someday might be the way I'll have to go. The reason I sometimes go out to get something to eat (going out for takeout ) when I want to gamble sometimes I think I'm having the urge to get out of my house and to feel like I went and did something / got a treat for myself. And sometimes going and getting takeout on a weekend or at Cetera satisfies that urge a little bit, when I'm bored or craving short outing or a treat. If that makes sense . Im more likely to go pick up takeout when Alone than I am to go to a movie by myself etc. Boyfriend and I spoke tonight and he communicated the reasons why he's been grumpy, having to do with him personally and his work, not with me. It's not always ideal but we have done counseling and we are now working on practicing the skills we learned in counseling but there still some times when I have to give him the benefit of the doubt or wait to work out what my concerns are with him when we do talk. As you said distance relationships are hard. We are trying to make it the two years till he moves back home and we live together again. Ininvite you to post on my recovery Diery anytime I would love it if you did. I appreciate all of the fellow posters who interact with me. Good night

Hey 🙂

Yep, i get the boredom scenario. I think getting a take away is million times better than unplanned journey to "dragon's den"..heh..this is just me calling them places. So good on you for choosing safest way to deal with the urge today.

Glad to hear you have spoken to your boyfriend, sometimes that's all it needs, having a honest conversation. I am sure things will get back to normal when you two will be reunited and you both can live in harmony happily ever after.

Keep posting and please don't feel like you have no right to air yourself and your progress in your journey. I like your attitude - you're not arrogant talking about it. I am sure we will see you joining the ranks of full abstinence one day :-)...this is more fun lol (or bigger hell on some days 😉 )

Goodnight and stay safe