My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Day 78

Broke up with my sweetheart and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with on Sunday after 5 years together. I felt reluctant to but after months of feeling unloved and neglected I had to as I had no choice being so lonely. She made me happy yes all I wanted was to spend more time with her again, not just a couple of days every 2-3 weeks which were constantly interrupted due to her demands from her parents and her putting them before me.

She wasn't upset, didn't reason with me or try to fight to keep us together, all I wanted to see were some steps towards our future but that door was always slammed shut to me.

Feel like she didn't care about us at all and is probably sitting 100 miles away feeling quite relieved. It wouldn't surprise me if the distant behaviour was planned just to make me unhappy so I had to make this s**t decision to break up.

Not best pleased but remaining on top of the gambling, just got to be careful I don't self destruct

Wilsy

gutted for you my dear friend, i cant find the words to describe how you must feel. I am only too aware how much effort and love you gave.

Glad to see you post it, that takes a great deal of strength. We have travelled a long way together since we embarked on this journey.

And you should be very proud you didnt go back at it. That shows how far you have come.

Take care of yourself fella.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Wilsy

Sorry to hear about your break up but lovely to hear from you again. That post in itself, demonstrates to me just how much further you have come in your strength and self control, to help you to remain gamble free. It's these life challenges that really put us gamblers to the test and you have coped extremely well in this situation and done the best thing - NOT TURNED TO GAMBLING!!

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.

I'm back and am going to give giving up another go.

I've been very destructive since January and have rung up quite a bit of debit which I haven't had for so many years. I don't want to dwell on things too much but I've been feeling sorry for myself and pressed the 'explode' button. I know how much damage I can do when I start gambling again and I can't stop when I do.

So this is DAY 1 all over again. Yes if I had some money I would probably give in to the urges right now but I haven't so that should help me over the next few days.

I've come back because this time I can't talk to my parents and I need to talk to others that are in the same position as me, trying to stop.

I know I've got a few years of debit to pay-off and I am scared about being found out but I need to start repaying what I've wasted now whilst I am still at home and have less outgoings, when I'm asked how much I have saved in a few months time I'm just going to have to lie.

Anyway onwards and upwards I am at rock bottom again but I've done this before, I can stop again, I have to.

I have been reading now and again and I look forward to catching up with a few of you again.

Andy

hi wilsy this is day 2 for me so early days for both of us. I was reading through your posts and it sounds like you have had a rough time of it the last few months, im really sorry to hear that but the main thing is your here and willing to put the effort in to beat this terrible addiction as you say you dont want to dwell on things, whats done is done and now its about the future (which can hopefully be filled with happiness)

i wish you all the best, good luck and stay strong.

Hey Wilsy

Lovely to hear from you again. I am so sorry to hear that the affects of your break up lead you back to gambling and pressing the destruct button.

I can only say this. As bad as your break up was, unfortunately, gambling has made it worse as you now find yourself in more debt. That says it all really as I am sure you well know. The important thing is, you haven't continued for months on end and totally given up on trying to "give up" at an upsetting time for you.

You also know, that although you feel unable to speak to your family, you can come on here to write and also receive an abundance of support, providing you really want to truly help yourself.

I hope you are in a better place now and feel strong enough to fight this thing once again. You were doing so well last time.

Take care, stay strong and keep trying. It will do you the world of good.

Feb.xx

Welcome back WIlsy your were always a great poster on here. Hope you pull yourself together and while gambling brought you back here we are thankful to have you back. Keep it going pal you can build the days up again.

Michael

Morning Andy

Well done mate for realising and finding the strength to come back and admit the truth I know how hard that is as I have just done it myself , hopefully for both of us it is out of our system and can start to move forward again as always it's what we do after a slip that's most important

Life throws us many challenges and sometimes painful has you found out so thoughts to you on that one but as one door closes another one opens , keep looking at the positives and there are so many

I will end on a wow with palace what a fab season tony pullis deserves manager of the year to did what he did I often thought bout you when the scores were coming in

Castle2

Wilsy,

Welcome back. I hope you are well and it sure is great to see you back posting again.

I have just posted on Castle's diary and I had to take a double look when I spotted both diaries on the first page. I have been doing so much better this year and feel happy and comfortable in recovery. I have pulled away a little over the past few weeks and although this can be costly I think it usually happens when someone stops thinking about gambling so much or isn't worried about the threat of relapse. I would say that is where I am at the moment although I cant be complacent.

I really hope this journey is a successful one for you. You know how to rack up those days as you have done before. I must admit counting days on my diary really helped me this time round. Others don't believe in going back to Day 1 but it proved very helpful to me.

Tomso.

Andy

Fella I hope you get to use the forum again to help you make the right decisions to arrest the destruction that is your compulsion to gamble.

To keep things from your loved one's must be hard,something I think can be quite destructive in recovery,it can drive you into a corner so to speak.

One side of the coin,addiction leads you into thinking you need a win to answer your financial problems and secondly and more frighteningly the fact that in the locker for many of us there is the oh well 'f#u*k it' button,where we stop caring and just go back at it wholesale.

So I am glad to see you back my friend,stick around most of all enjoy the gift.

It never stops giving

No bet today

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hope you are still using that season ticket,you are fast becoming the team nobody wants to play!!

I saw too boot you acrh rivals could make it to the promised land next season.

DAY 1

Thanks everyone for your messages, I read them late as sadly I lost another couple of hundred quid last night.

Today I am ready. I still feel very depressed and in a daze but I've been here before and the mist will clear in my very confused head. Give it a week without gambling and I'll be back in control, just got to get through somehow.

Only got back from work at 10pm tonight so am too tired to write but not really much to say anyway apart from I'm not giving up giving up.

Tomorrow I will not gamble, I will not gamble again, I've had enough as I am a gambling addict and I can't win because I can't stop!!

Night

Andy

Stay strong my friend your right clear that head and start to refocus what's done is done keep looking forward not back , always remember no one will judge you just support

Castle2

DAY 2 Done (Phew),

Thanks so much Castle pal for your support, I hope nobody judges me I don't mean to relapse and it doesn't mean anybody is weak when they do either.

I've had a couple of long days, 14 hours today and only got back at 10pm last night so am knackered. Have had urges this evening to have a bet so have taken myself to the warmth of my bed, I can't even be bothered to eat so am just eating c**P I can take from the cupboard.

This will make everyone laugh, I am really looking forward to tomorrow, why you wonder, is it because I'm watching football.... No. Is it because I am meeting up with a fit woman..... No. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am going to a guinea pig rescue with my sister!

I own a guinea pig, I did have two but the remaining ones brother sadly became very poorly and I had to put him down eight or so weeks ago. The remaining one has been in mourning and it has been a real effort by me to keep him eating. He is going to go and have a bonding day tomorrow with a load of lovely rescue guinea pig ladies, so when he picks the one he likes, they'll be coming home together. I am a big pet lover and I get no better satisfaction than looking after them.

There you go I bet you weren't expecting me to tell you that!! lol

Have a good weekend everyone

Andy

fella good for you,pets can bring great joy to life,myself I have since starting my own recovery rescued two whippets, something all the time I gambled I simply would not have done.

They also bring with them great responsability something to be proud of.

I hope you find the right one.

I was thinking do you still gamble in the bookmakers in the 3d sense or have you moved to internet gambling.

Either way self exclusion or the k9 block may help in the early stages of recovery.

I am fully aware blocks are only as strong as they are made,but for me they are a fantastic weapon in the battle to remain gamble free.

Keep adding to the tally of gamble free days,look after yourself.

P.s are you still on the medication the doctor prescribed too,I know they helped before.

Duncs stepping forward never back

DAY 1 AGAIN!!

K9 Now installed after losing more money. Now completely skint and owe around 5k! Hit rock bottom but at least now the only way is up.

I'm blocked already with all bookies apart from one which is 10 miles away, It's been the online gambling which has crippled me, hopefully now I can't access gambling sites I'll get back on the straight and narrow.

Hi Duncan, thanks for your support pal, just going through a pretty s**t time at the moment but it's all self inflicted and I'll get through, it's only money after all.

The Pigs are doing well, and are giving me much joy. Yes Duncan I am still on the medication but after the current lot run out I'm being put on some stronger ones to help me. With the break up and this relapse which has lasted months, it really has triggered my depression.

Remaining upbeat from today, I had to hit rock bottom sadly first before I could do anything.