My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Wilsy,

I look forward to reading a post from you tomorrow on day 50.

Enjoy the fishing.

Tomso.

Being busy at work during these recovery journeys of ours is never a bad thing at all.

As long as we have things to look forward to.

Like your fishing.

Hope you enjoyed it and look forward to seeing you 50 day post.

NT

Hi everyone,

Haven't been on for a few days, 49 days now without a bet. I will be fishing tomorrow on my fiftieth day, so will post early and say now that Sunday the 8TH of April will be 50 days up. Well pleased.

Enjoy the rest of your Easter's.

Wilsy.

Fella need I say any more 50 days gamble free and look at were that has got you to fella if it were a boxing match you were on the canvas but you are up and off the ropes bud, keep fighting the good fight gamble free you will continue to strive forward.

Duncs 75 days NO BET.

My confession, I only made it to 45 days I am afraid.

To Duncan and others who have always supported me since the 18th of February, by commenting on my posts and offering me their support, I would like to say sorry but I only made it to 45 days bet free and did actually have a bet on day 46.

I wanted to tell you all earlier but I knew my parents who are away at the moment and my girlfriend read my diary and have been proud of my progress and I didn't quite know when I would tell them, before telling you. I don't want them to think I am a failure.

I have been itching to get my slip-up off my chest and to start again, I guess that's why I blew caution to the wind and had a blow out today (Big loss), to open my eyes again and to stop. I might have carried on if I had kept winning or ending level each day.

I don't really know why I had a bet. I must have just let my defenses down, I knew what I was doing but I wanted to do it, the urges were too strong and by having that bet, I felt better, then felt very sick.

I have been happy, content, I still am, I don't want to keep losing my money but I guess part of my mind still wants to gamble, so it really will be a long metal battle against myself and my addiction of over 20 years, it isn't going to be easy to conquer this.

So back to square one for me but I won't give up, I would still like your support, as I know you are the only ones who understand me and I see you as my friends.

Tomorrow is a new day.

wilsy. Fella i think you no less a person in fact fella i think by re posting being honest you are more the man you were, fella i will still be right here with you we have a journey we have embarked upon and think 45 days no bet wont be long before you are back there again, and i hope your family/girlfriend are still behind you. Dont forget fella be kind to yourself. Duncs one day at a time no bet.

Hi wilsy

Please don't beat urself up in my opinion relapsing is part of the process in recovery . I relapsed after 3 months and had a blow out for a month it took a lot of guts to get back on track as I didn't really want to , u av realised straight away and for that I'm proud of u and everyone else will be it takes a big person to hold their hands up and admit they av made a mistake u didn't av to , its just a blip nothin more nothin less , we are all here for u and well done for all the support u give everyone else

Stay strong

Castle2

Wilsy,

I am saddened by the recent dent in your recovery, however, one thing that I have noticed in the short time I have been a member of this site is the amount of people who return to gambling and fall away from this site and stop posting on their diary. You, on the other hand, have came straight back and posted a trully honest account of your recent slip. I think this says a great deal about your character. I am sure you will be able to pick up from where you left off.

If you don't mind me asking was this urge particularly worse than any other in the previous 45 days? Did anything trigger strong feelings about gambling or do you think you just became complacent?

Tomso.

Yo,

We've all been there, slipping ,I gave up more times than you can imagine , once for 5 years and still went back to it.

And who's to say that anyone of us will not succumb .

All I do know is that we both did not gamble today , and for today that's good enough. The days will build up again , the years will build up for me again, but all that really matters is today.

You are a better person than me, I have not told my nearest the full extent of the trouble I was in, not shown the courage you have, so chin up , dust yourself down , and let's both make our next today gamble free.

Take care, sending you hugs and a bucket full of positivity .

Dusty

Hya Wilsey

Thanks for the support during my recent breakdown and I'm sad to hear of you recent blip. I know how hard it can hit you, as I'm sure you got from my diary I felt like everything just caved around me but I'm ready to pick myself up and start again right alongside you mate. It's hard to come back to this site to be honest because I thought people would judge me or not want my support anymore coz clearly what do I know if I relapsed? But then I read what people like yourself had said on my diary and I realised how the important thing is to get back up and try again. Reading your diary makes me think I'm still impressed with your 45 days, your honesty and the way that your moving forward so surely thats how other people might see me. We are all here for you mate

Becky

xxx

Thank you everyone, I am so pleased that the five of you, the five I knew supported me, would each write me a small offering of support and best wishes.

In answer to your question Tomso, I think the urges were the same as the previous 45 days on and off, this time I just became complacent. My parents are away, my girlfriend is 100 miles away and that Wednesday evening I was bored and just walked into a shop and had a five pound bet, that ironically won. I then aloud those urges to feed on my inner self. I thought to myself whilst feeling sick, that the damage is done and so I continued to bet, without telling anyone. The weekend came and went and I hadn't lost a bean but yesterday I had one big blow out, almost as if I wanted to lose because I knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing and because by losing, I would want to bring it all to an end and start my recovery again. I hope I make sense.

Today, I don't feel motivated to work, I feel like I have let myself down and and not interested in leaving the house, even though I really should go and get myself something to eat. I have money left for the month but because I have lost about £340 in total, I don't want to spend anymore. I am pleased in a way I have had this relapse because it has shown me the depressive side of my personality that I had whilst I was losing. I much preferred the Andrew who was 45 days bet free.

I am half way through my first day today. I had one urge earlier to go and draw out £40, to have another go but I thought to myself that there wasn't a point, I would instead like to start racking up those no betting days again.

I won't self exclude because I believe in will power and I should be able to stay away from those places, without having to take passport photos into every single one of them. Let's hope I don't live to regret saying that but for today only, I will not bet and tomorrow I will face head on, when it comes.

I do feel very sad that I am not confident of staying bet free for the rest of my days, I would like to very much be rid of my problems and all I can hope for, if I am going to relapse again in the future, is that it is a small relapse and doesn't last long. I will always pick myself up and re-post and this site is crucial to my future as are you all.

I feel quite upset and tearful writing this 🙁

Andrew x

Yo,

Get through today, and I am sure things will look a smidgin better tomorrow.

As for self cancelation , it is your decision but make sure that it is not the addictive demon inside your head, trying to convince you that you can do it alone when in fact it just wants you to leave that particular door unlocked.

Putting that aside for now, you did 45 days , you can do that and more, try to leave the past in the past and just focus on today.

Take care my lovely.

Dusty

wilsy.

Fella I will just back up dustys words fella with use the triangle TIME-LOCATION-MONEY

take one away fella you cant have a punt.In your words fella "I won and then ended up doing £345 " You and I both no each day NO BET and YOU WIN!! this is the only way andrew and I want to see you get back on your horse fella and ride the gamble free ride for YOU!!! come on fella the 1st day is today and tomorrow will come but just for today worry about today.

Duncs stepping forward.

Hiya Wilsey

The isolation that we feel when depressed from sustained gambling or a relapse can either drag u back or inspire u to move forward. Your honest with yourself which is good, we can all say I will never gamble again but in truth we're all vulnerable and we can never be a hundred percent sure that's why we have to just take each day as it comes. The night I relapsed I wrote exactly how I felt on my diary and regretted it, it was really personal and made for not a nice read but everytime I go on my diary I go back and read it because the way I felt is something I never want to go back to. It can be so lonely, that self hatred, If you've read that post on my diary you'll see that during that blip I believed I was just a worthless burden on my loved ones but a week down the line I'm picking myself up again and you will do the same. Don't let the money that you lost control your mind whether it's saying try and win me back or don't spend anymore on the essentials, you need to eat. If you don't eat and lose sleep your putting yourself in a more vulnerable position. Don't let this depression consume you but write down how you feel and never forget this feeling because by remembering it you might be able to avoid it returning

With love

Becky

xxx

Hi Wilsy,

thanks for the post. As for my relapse, it was on the day I was supposed to get married but my ex-fiancee had called off the wedding (on a totally different matter, i didn't hit her or cheat or anything). Anyway, that relapse day was the worst day of my life, worse even than the day she dumped me.

The best piece of advice I can give you is - you know the feeling after a big loss, that gut-wrenching, stomach-churning mixture of shock, anger and disgust? Well hold on to it, keep it fresh in your memory. I am not talking about 'torturing' yourself, but keep that feeling close to you, and whenever you even contemplate a 'wee bet' bring those thoughts to the front of your mind, and imagine a big loss, and all those sickening feelings. I still get urges and every time I do I focus intensely on that awful feeling and the urges fade away very quickly. Its hardly scientific but I find it a very effective technique.

Lastly, forget about the money you have lost, its not coming back. I was the dictionary definition of a 'chaser' and the bookies saw me coming every time. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as a bad mistake as long as you learn from it, and if you use this experience and the £360 you lost as a means of never betting again, it will have been worth it.

Keep strong and keep fighting - you can and will beat this thing.

OS