My recovery diary - Last bet 18/02/2012 - Forwards and upwards

Hi Openside,

Thank you for your comments. I do feel cr** to be honest, shame I didn't remember how cr** it felt before I went and lost my money.

I stupidly had a bet today as well and lost some more money, just feel I have lost the plot at the moment, so my day one starts again tomorrow.

I think I must just self destruct while I am chasing and I feel pretty worthless at the moment.

I don't want to gamble but I continue to let myself do so. I don't want to lose money, I don't want to feel this way. I don't even think my girlfriend should be with me anymore.

I think when my parents return from France I will talk to them again. I don't think I should return to be with my girlfriend until I have at least gone 3-4 months bet free.

I think I should see a councilor maybe and hand over finances. I obviously can't be trusted with my own money, I seem to get bored and have to much time on my hands and I just can't seem to stop.

I might be dipping on and off this site over the next week but I will be back. I will start again tomorrow and try to conquer this problem, just need to go away and clear my head again.

Wishing you continued strength, I will be back 🙁

Just read my last post and gave myself a kick up the a**e, I won't be downbeat, I will be back on here tomorrow and every day after that, until I get way beyond 50 days. Taking every day as it comes, i will put the past behind me and for tomorrow only, i will not bet.

I WILL NOT BET!!!!!!!!

DO NOT BET!!!!!!!

I WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!

Well done you!! So happy for you at your last post. You cannot let this thing beat you, you are better than that and you will reap the benefits in time.

One day at a time, stay strong and keep fighting.. you will get there mate!

Morning,

I too was glad when you reposted last night. You can do this, not so sure that taking a break from this site would help you. Sounds more like you think we would think bad of you, which we won't, because most of us have been there and just want to support you, no matter what happens. Also this dam addiction has a way of playing with our minds in the cruelest of ways. Trying to stop us from helping ourselves , so as the door to gambling is easier to open. Even though we can not see it at the time.

The past is the past, today is a new day, stay close, fight this addiction with a renewed vigor, using every tool available to you. Be it this site, self cancelation, passing over monetary control , GA, what ever you need to do. All these are your ammunition , when will power in not enough, and for the majority of us will power was not enough.

Stay strong my friend, together we are stronger, keep posting,

Dusty

Just as a foot note and I hope you will not think me as over bearing , but was thinking about you and fishing. It is something I have never done so if this sound like rubbish egnore it.

You would never go fishing in flip flops and try to catch a fish willing it to jump into your bare hands. You need tools , to complete the task. Beating this addiction is the same ..............

Wilsy.

I am not going to preach to you fella I will just in black and white tell you this, This forum your diary is yours fella and to do with what is best for you, the door is revolving you can come and go as suits you, what is best for you only you know, I can see from your diary you want to punish yourself for your recent punt, be kind to yourself you have an addiction that will ruin your life and for 40 odd days you got your stick and beat it back,you can do this one day at a time and me fella I will be here to support you and I will not judge you.

Duncs compulsive gambler NO BET today

Wilsy, just reading your diary. Thanks for posting on mine. It's natural to beat ourselves up when we do things we know we shouldn't but focus on the positives in your life and don't dwell on the negatives. 40 odd days bet free is impressive and if I had got that far once I would know I could do it again. I have never got that far so you're way ahead of me and ahead of most people who are gripped by this addiction. I think you are doing remarkable well and falling off the wagon is nothing to punish yourself over. All addicts will have moments of lapse cause it comforts. Get back on the bike and keep going and next time if you do 41 days you are progressing. I'm hoping to be able to achieve 40 bet free days so in that regard you're doing great. Stay strong and hopefully together we can beat this horrid addiction.

Thanks Lost your mind, Dusty, Dunc (The man) and Spoof.

I will stay on this site I need it bad, I am a crazy addicted fool who had one big blip but I am ready to try again.

1 Day has passed, it is the National tomorrow. If I said I didn't want a small interest I would be lying, I will still watch it with my dad. I will try not to have a bet but because I have only gone one day bet free, I might as well have a couple of quid on it tomorrow and say that it will be the last time I ever do so again and start again on Sunday. I will decide tomorrow.

Thank you for all of your support it means so much to me that you are there for me, as I am you.

Have a good weekend.

Hi,

So glad you posted, as Dunc says your diary , your rules.

I too would always welcome you , no matter what, and value your support .

Take care lovely

Dusty

Thank you Dusty for your kind words once more.

I had my bet today, came fourth in the National, now I am finished with gambling for good.

The 15TH of April will be the first day of my new life. I must think long and hard as to how I go about avoiding ever betting again. Will power hasn't worked, I can't trust myself to stay away. I did well up to 46 days but then I threw it all away. I feel bad but I'm not going to punish myself anymore. I don't have much money left but once I get to pay day, I will transfer all of my money to my mum or girlfriend. I will have passport photos taken and exclude myself from all shops. I will also seek one on one council support, as I don't know what triggers my slips and I personally think I have lost the plot.

I will get my life back one day, I'm just going to have to start from square one again and barely no money. One positive is I have my health, job at the moment and I don't owe any money.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Hi,

Just wanted to say, good for you. You are right so many good things in your life, and we all need a little help sometimes to fight our battles.

Your was the name I have looking for all day, welcome back.

Dusty

Wilsy.

Today fella just for today remember be kind to yourself that stick you took hold of in yesterdays post is not to beat yourself with!!

Duncs stepping forward NO BET today.

DAY 1 Completed, no bet today.

Well still reeling from the awful, destructive week I have had. I wish my parents had never gone away, I knew I would have problems but it isn't their fault, I just think there is something wrong in my head.

Anyway today I have bee cleaning their home ready for their return. I have cleaned the floors, hoovered, done the washing, cleaned the surfaces. I am dreading my mum asking me what happened. I don't know what to answer her, i don't know why three days after they went away, I decided to go and start betting again. I am a compulsive gambler of over 20 years, it doesn't just their you after 46 days bet free. I hope she doesn't feel too disappointed in me, I do want to sort myself out but at the same time my demon is wanting me to carry on gambling. I feel a little bit better today but the loss hurts, I guess hurting is good in a way, it should get me back on track again.

Thank you Duncan and Dusty, I won't beat myself too hard with that stick but I do deserve it 🙂

Another day tomorrow. Miss my girlfriend, she must feel disappointed in me as well.

wilsy. re. Photos i answered on my post fella. Duncs.

Hi so glad you are feeling a better today.

I know that it's difficult to tell your mum, and like I said before have sooooo much respect for you for doing it. I never have explained the full extent of my last bout of gambling to my family. I never had the bottle, having said that I have turned it around and made amends to some degree, so each to their own.

Nothing at times is as bad as the fear, so I hope by telling her some of the devertastion you are feeling will be eased.

You are putting things in place to help fight this addiction , and I hope when you tell her this that she will see that you really are trying.

I am away most of next week ,and will be busy , but intend to log on at least once a day, just to see how everyone is getting on.

I really hope you have a good week, I can not tell you how pleased I am that you are back with us. And that we can fight the good fight together.

Dusty

Wilsy, glad you're back dealing with you demon. Reading you diary I wouldn't think your mum or girlfriend would be disappointed. They love you so disappointed probably doesn't come into it. They 'll support you through it all. Anyway keep up the good work and anything you need I'm here to help.

Spoof betfree for 6 days and counting.