Good evening all,
I am a 23 year old accountancy graduate and I would like to share my gambling experiences with you all and various insights I have had during my recovery.
Like many others, my gambling started at a very young age and has progressively got worse over time. My gambling began in amusement arcades on family holidays, my parents have never gambled much and didn't think anything of it. At such a juvenile age, that feeling of excitement of watching 'all' of them 2p's fall down into my catchet was the highlight of my family holiday. Little did I know that 10 years on I would become a compulsive gambler.
I spent my 18th birthday in a casino, Unfortunately I won £100 and proceeded to open up a betting account online the very next day. I thought I had a plan, I told myself " I'll put £10 and keep £10 in my betting account and see how much I can win", this worked for a while, I placed very small stakes, limited myself to £10 a month and once the money had gone, it had gone. During the next two years despite my parents helping me out considerably with rent and other expenses at university, I felt like I had nothing. Luckily, I was unable to take out a loan to feed my addiction but I did take out an overdraft. My parents hated overdrafts and the thought of my being in any kind of debt, they asked my why I had taken on an overdraft, I lied to them and said I needed it and blagged about how it was interest free. Once my overdraft was maxed out, I began stealing from my housemates, the worse thing was I felt nothing about stealing from them, gambling desensitizes you from thinking about consequences of your actions and this has been reflective in other instances during the past couple of years. At 21, my final year of university, I remember going in to a B*****d once in a full fancy dress outfit, It was my best friends birthday, and I thought I'd win a bit of extra cash for the night ahead. Little did I know, I would lose £1500 in that shop, the entirety of my student loan for that term. I confessed later to my mum, who came up to see me, consoled me and helped me get some counselling.
Unfortunately the counselling service was unsuccessful, and although I stayed away from gambling for around 8 months, I relapsed in September 2014. I was now living at home again following successfully graduating from university. I got a job almost straight away and began working. The 'come down' of routine and living a normal, boring, everyday working life hit me hard and I took out my first loan of £3000 in November 2014 following staking huge bets online. It was only going to get worse, following a 6 week winning streak from January 2015- March 2015 I was up circa £6k and paid off the entirety of the loan. I was betting online everyday and pumping my winnings back in, if I was down, I would chase my money and continue to chase my money. I remember being down £2k one day, and staked my 'hidden' credit card which had a limit of £3k to win the money back. Thankfully, that day, I did win it back, and cashed in an additional £200 'bonus' for my troubles.
On the weekend of the 7th-8th March 2015 I lost 15.5k. Following losing 2k (remaining bank balance plus overdraft) and 3.5k (credit card balance) I took out a loan of 10k on online banking for a 'car'. I lost this money in the space of 6 hours following staking £1000 spins on the roulette. I cried for hours and faked that I was having chest pains to my parents, they took me to A&E. On the following Monday, I wrote them a letter confessing everything what I had done, pleading for help. They were shocked and angry, but reminded me that they loved me and wanted to help me. At looking at the financial mess I was in, my father, an accountant, formulated a financial plan which I have adhered too ever since. My father takes control of all of my wages, and drip feeds me money every week. He also checks my statements every month, and started taking me to GA every week (although I stopped going after 3 months).
Although I have moved away from home now, we still have this arrangement. I now have a good job, but the financial burden will be on me for another 2.5 years. I have had to make sacrifices, sell my car, no holidays but I can honestly say that I am a better person now, after 11 months of not gambling, that I ever have been. I had a small relapse last month, but once I realised what I was doing I was physically sick in the toilet and walked out of the shop straight away. I reminded myself how far I had come and I have been back attending GA since that date.
I have learnt numerous lessons about myself during my recovery My decisions have always been ones that lead to short term gratification, whether in gambling or in other areas of my life. This is because I have been so impatient. I never think long term, and never think of the consequences of my actions. Traditionally, I have shown many other undesirable traits including being a compulsive lier, being completely selfish and showing a complete lack of regard for anyone else, and doing anything to get my own way. During my recovery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and although I still despise myself for the way that I have behaved in the past, I am beginning to realise how a rational person should behave and I am trying to mould myself around this 'ideal'.
There is still a long way to go as the mental impact that gambling has had on my state of mind still somewhat remains and in some cases, manifests itself in to anger and frustration. However, I am no longer the deceitful person I once was, and I pray that one day I can become a person that people look up too.
Great honest post my friend , very inspirational and good to see youv'e come back to a better place !.
Best wishes for the future and deep respect !
Hi
Well! Quite a journey you've been on and that's brilliant you've been able to take such committed action to get better.
I like the idea of modelling your behaviour on how a rational person behaves. That's basically saying you want to behave or 'be' the person you really want to be.
As an addict I became accustomed to avoidance -avoidance of difficult thoughts, feelings and experiences. I therefore lost my way, my sense of purpose and identity. So a big gap developed between what I wanted to be...and what I was.
I'm now all about trying to take action and set goals according to my values. Move closer to who I want to be.
Thanks for sharing.
Louis
Thanks both.
Louis I can relate to avoidance, I'm a firm believer that gambling is a disease of the mind and avoidance is a symptom of that disease. It's great you are making strides in your recovery.
Hi All,
I've been complacent in the last couple of weeks, I had done well to save up almost £1.5k to reduce down my loan in the last 3 months. Today I lost it all.
In order to try and win the money back I visited Santander in the hope of getting a credit card, prior to the credit checking in, I broke down and informed the banking associate that I had no way of paying it back. She sympathised with me. I never cry, I only cried because of the pain gambling has and still does cause me
I've been here before, but I've decided I'm going to make some lifestyle changes. Words are cheap, actions talk.
Thanks
Callum
Hi, Callum,
Take action that will talk: go back to GA. You can do in a group what you can't do alone.
Recovery's not about the money, it's about changing the mindset. That's doable but it's long term and needs maintenance.
Wish you well,
CW
Hi Callum,
Think about the triangle; time, money and location. Remove at least one and you cant gamble, so if your doing it online get software blocker, if you are going into casinos / shops then you can self exclude from them all. Temptation will always be there for us CG's but if you focus on the triangle it does relieve some of the pressure and urges, i have found this on my recovery journey.
Will watch your progress and wish you all the best!
Day 1 (Following Relapse)
Thanks Cynical wife and Rose for your replies. I'm planning on going back to GA.
The worst feeling for me right now is betrayal, I have betrayed my parents massively both of whom have been amazing to me, particularly last year with my dad taking me to GA every week and my mum taking me to counselling.
I feel empty, vulnerable and worthless for what I have done. I'm a selfish pig and deserve everything I get.
Yes, well, beating yourself up doesn't turn the clock back and it isn't the same thing as taking the action you need to take. There's a difference between guilt and shame. Feeling guilty is fine, it's about what you've done wrong, you can regret it and do what you can to make amends ie show your parents how the triangle is staying broken, go to GA, apologise and ask for their support.
Shame ie beating yourself up and thinking that you're bad therefore there's no point in bothering. That's just the addiction telling you nonsense and excuses. Don't listen.
You can do what you need to do, but you need to do it. Make those changes.
CW
Day 2
Dear all,
Thanks CW, you're right, I have started to make changes already, I'm restricting all access to money now. I'm only asking my parents for money I really need. From now on, everything else that I earn will go towards paying off my loans.
I'm feeling slightly better today. I have given some thought as to what caused my relapses, the cause tends to me being reluctant to pay for small little things that I feel I shouldnt have to pay for. For example, on Wednesday, when I relapsed, the laundrette charged me £10 bill, I'm not used to paying this and thus it annoyed me. I then went to the bookies to try and win the £10 and I lost everything I had. I've done this for being unwilling to pay for other small unexpected costs before like bus/train fare. When I'm in the bookies it's a different story, It's the compulsive gambler in me that stays in the bookies and wants to feel that adrenaline rush and chase every last pound that I am down. The lesson from this is that I need to change my mindset completely and realise that I do need to pay for these small things and there is no such thing as an 'easy' £10.
Thanks and have an enjoyable weekend
Callum
Day 4
Hi all,
The weekend has gone OK. I haven't gambled so that's always a plus.
I have not been out at all this weekend and have hardly eaten, I have done this primarily to save money. It's difficult to comprehend that I have been working in my new job for 7-8 months now and have absolutely nothing to show for my hard work. I guess this is a feeling that is experienced by every compulsive gambler. I look around, everyone my age has cars, many have booked a holiday for this year, some have purchased a house and have a mortgage. I have worked since I was 16 (Including during my university years) I am now 23, I don't enjoy these priveleges despite working longer and harder than the majority of people my age. I am riddled with debt and the small amount of money I do try and save up to pay off the debt is gambled away.
I'm fed up of people telling me I'm an intelligent guy with a decent future ahead of him. The reality is, I'm not intelligent because I keep on gambling, I may sound pitiful but quite frankly I don't care. I failed to take on board all of the advice that the counsellor and those at GA gave me, I relapsed, after promising myself that I would never gamble again.
Apologies for the moan, but I'm feeling low tonight.
Callum
Hi Callum, just read ur diary and I would like to say 23 blimey I wish I was tht young when I found out I had a problem with gambling. To realise soo young and be smart and in a job is in ur favour. Good luck I hope u can stag gamble free and enjoy youth. I have recently purchased a house and got a mortgage and I'm 34 and I'm one of a few of mg mates who have most haven't yet. You have plenty of time when I was twenty three I spent all my money after renf on socialising..... .... U have to enjoy your youth try not to put itself down.. One step at a time
​
Callum, go back to GA. You're not the first and you won't be the last.
BW,
CW
Hi Callum
You may be intelligent you may not be. Frankly it doesn't matter as it's not relevant to your gambling addiction.
You acknowledged above that gambling is a form of escapism. I would say gambling is linked to a struggle with difficult thougths and feelings. What are you struggling with that is causing you to escape? As CW says, I suggest you go back to GA or set up some sessions with a good pysch.
Best wishes
Louis
Hi All,
Day 6,
Thanks Adam, CW and Cardhue for your replies to my previous post:
The issue is, GA is a 50 minute bus journey from where I live, I would love to go back, and I think it would do me good. Practically though it is extremely difficult to attend given my job and my location. I hate to use this as an excuse but I won't be able to commit to it every week without as it also falls on the hours that I work.
Louis, I have been diagnosed with both anxiety disorder and dyspraxia during the last 3 years. I had been taking medication (fluoxetine) but it made me extremely tired and I wasnt able to perform at all well in any aspects of my life. I've had counselling, for me it wasn't effective and this is why they prescribed me with medication as a substitute. In December I came off the tablets, without telling anyone, although I now feel more awake I feel extremely anxious and this is what perhaps contributed towards my relapse. It's difficult for me to know what to do- whether to go back on the pills or to keep off them.
Anyway, the last two days I havnt gambled, quite frankly, I have no money to gamble without taking on additional credit. This is good, and I'll be giving the money that I earn and don't need to my parents. I fell out with my manager today at work, she doesn't think I seem in control of my tasks/jobs and she is not confident in me presenting our corporate proposal in front of customers. She told me that I don't convey myself as a "professional" and justified this through my 'poor' appearence levels and generally petty things that I tend to do. I disagreed, as for me, this is quite discriminatory. Anyway, an episode like this would previously cause me to gamble, however, I am now off for a run instead.
Take care and look after yourselves.
Callum
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