My story

So payday was a few days ago and if an early test was to come it would be then but all bills paid and today I paid off 1 of the smaller debts. I''m content with that and as I said in a few diary entries ago my general anxiety is a lot lower. In fact I probably didnt realise how anxious I was generally...mainly around money and not having enough (even with no clear idea of what enough was) and I think in many ways this fuelled my gambling. Wanting to spend money, then not sure I'd have enough,then trying ways to get more. I'm only realising how much of a cycle and stressful this was. It is like a huge weight and fog has been lifted. I don't feel the pressure to have/ do anything other than to be myself and that feels great. I feel less inclined to self pity, to blame others for my predicament (parental issues from past) and to look to others to rescue me financially. Instead I feel a great sense of gratitude ...it's not what I don't have but what I do have and I do feel like so many issues are being resolved. It is in many ways not easy this journey but I am convinced of the rewards of honesty, responsibility action and commitment. I also continue to find this diary very helpful.

Well done on your progress so far, i have my 40th approaching in 2 months time and if i can get to 40 and be 3 months clean i know i will have made a big start in my new life.

Its also my 1st payday tommorrow, and i was excited, but your post has reminded me that im to take this recovery one day at a time......once i get to Decembers wage in the same situation i can breathe a bit easier.

Leeds thanks for your post. Yep I used to be the same with pay days...excited so the whole madness could start again. Much more level headed now. My view of money has changed fundamentally since that night a few weeks ago. I am not my money and my life is more than it. I wish you the best I hope the 40s are a time of wisdom and peace. Good Luck

Well on Tuesday this week it will be 4 weeks since I started this diary. Since then no gambling of any description, not even that which I 'allowed' myself to enjoy e.g lottery. My perspective on things, money in particular and the role it plays in my life has shifted considerably which I hope will continue to help my recovery but also more generally my life. I saw a good friend yesterday and over a simple meal we discussed the mistakes we make in life...at one point she said 'we have all done stupid things in our time'. It reminded me again the value of things, the simple things in life, friendship and also what those who have been around a bit longer know and that is that you have to accept we make mistakes (big and small) but you can learn and change. Sometimes it's reassuring to know you are not the only one who has 'f@@@ked up'. I am liking this journey, sometimes it brings anxiety but deep in my core I know I'm doing the right thing and that really helps me keep going.

Well sounds like your doing great with the urges and Congrats. Yeah pay day is always a problem for me and kinda like this https://www.youtube.com/watch…;feature=youtube_gdata_player well minus the part after it. Lol

Today I felt like I could really understand the term 'cold turkey' not because I've been fighting any urges in particular but because of the lifestyle changes I'm having to make as a whole. I don't wanna over dramatise it, it's just been a bit of a low day, when the enormity of he situation seems more visible than the small steps of progress. If I'm truly honest it's a bit of self pity too. I wanted to write it down because I feel this diary should cover all of it. I just see it as a bit of an off day and that's it. But no urge to buy a scratchcard, pop in to the bookies or anything else so in that sense still good progress

After a couple of days of lowish mood today has been a good day. I can only put this down to new understanding and self awareness. I think more important to me than understanding blips or the gambling alone has been to understand the range of behaviours I have exhibited which to me are so interlinked. Today I had a bit of a eureka moment when I realised that effectively all my problems spending, gambling etc come to down to very poor self/impulse control. I'm looking at this more not because I'm looking for excuses but understanding. In many ways just being able to give some of the root cause an identity feels so good today. I guess it's like any battle the better you truly understand your enemy the easier it will be to outwit. That's why today I feel good.

Thailad,

Great to see you making progress mate. Ride through those tough days/weeks, and you'll come out smiling the other side.

Good luck

D123

D thanks very much for your message. The diary is a great help and its nice to get the odd message of support or two. Good Luck to you too

Well, this week has been a good week. Something happened that weirdly greatly increased my understanding of my gambling. I won something. No I haven't relapsed and gambled, it was a free draw that I entered some time back and this week I found out I won something. The nature of it is insignificant tbh but what I did note was what 'winning' triggers in my mind. The best analogy I can give is a pinball machine, winning is like striking the ball to start. It then shoots off and creates other feelings in the mind as it hits various pins....the buzz etc etc.You long for it to come back to the start so you can strike it again, to 'win' all the time but the inevitability is the ball will drop and the buzz will end. In gambling that's the inevitable losses and the despair after. This event of coincidence this week has shown me that when I used to 'win' I would get a buzz and I craved its repetition with disastrous consequences. I got the same kinda buzz this week, if not more tbh cos it was unexpected and cost nothing. What it didn't do was send me off on a chase for more wins, I just accepted it was a one off,a happy event that's it. And here is the crucial bit I think I realised you can't have a feeling of 'winning' all the time and trying to get it leads to poverty, or madness. So crave anything but that buzz, devalue it through seeing its consequences and find more in other emotional/ neurological experiences such as meditating, listening to your favourite music , seeing a film. This week that 'buzz' was exposed for me, it arose but had nowhere to go in terms of follow on activity and I was really able to see it for what it is with much greater perspective. Time to start enjoying all the shades of feelings that life brings not just those I have become addicted to.

Another check in on the diary. Had a good week. When I look back at some of my first diary entries I can really feel the rawness of the pain that I had over them few days and I am so glad that I got up and started this diary. I can be honest and say that whilst I have nev seriously considered harming myself through my gambling I have given it a passing though, only in the sense that when you are in a hole you run through so many options to get you out of it. Life has shown me so many light moments over the last few weeks that I realise it is always worth keeping going. Yes it can be s**t but there is so much to be grateful for. I'm starting to think about the new year and plans and feeling a lot better than I did.

Hi Thai

Very interesting reading your posts, I agree with a lot of what you say, but i always wonder why we face the future with fear, surely the prospect of being able to spend time with family, friends and be honest and open with them should be looked on as a future with joy. I've gambled for a long time and during that time I've been so decieptful and shady. I've not gambled for a week now and I've noticed I don't like to lie or even argue, its like a sense of new found decency,

Anyway just my perspective

your doing great matt keep it up mate

Take care karl

Stocko thanks very much for the kind words and best wishes. I wish you the same. I feel like I'm getting into a rhythm of normality now, it's been several weeks since starting this diary, no slip ups, and I've made some quick progress on the financial side and can see a clear path through 2014. To see real progress I have to see it in the long term because of the past 'binge' nature of my gambling but I do feel a shift mentally from an attitude to go back to controlled gambling to the path I'm on now. That feels like a real final hurdle for me and progress so far is good.

It's been a while since I posted. I've been busy with work and haven't felt in the right place mentally to post. Looking back the last few weeks have been a test for me. I love the lead up to Christmas but it can also be a fraught time emotionally and financially. Emotionally because like many people I remember those who are no longer here and financially again like many people because it can be a bit tight, particularly with the debts I have BUT the very good thing I think is that no matter how tight things get and how often my mind automatically says 'a gamble might help you feel better, might help you out' I've got to a stage where the win, the thrill is not worth it. I am having to be watchful sure, the walk after an office party drink is difficult because your thinking can be impaired and I loathe those times when I ended gambling mindlessly, ending up gambling because I'd lost control through having a drink but I'm clear this year. It's no longer a viable option for me and as difficult as circumstances may be I cannot/ will not play with something that takes me right back to where I was. Keeping with that determination I'm looking forward to 2014 and as this will likely be my last post of the year I wish everyone here all the best.

So the new year has begun and it's got off to a good start. Recovery has been such a long road for me and I have stumbled so many times but I really think the final bit of the jigsaw is coming together. It's not complacency for me I know it's only a few months since September but it is new and additional information I have absorbed which I think will be a massive help for me. I think I mentioned before in my diary that one of the biggest challenges I have had through my recovery is still my unrealistic belief in my ability to win, that a 'win' was meant for me. This led to me relapsing and continuing my gambling sprees. If I was winning I'd always be close to winning more and if if I was losing I was close to winning back. It is such warped cognition that leads you to oblivion. It is in classic psychology called the gamblers fallacy and despite all my progress in recovery I've never really challenged it, absorbed it. But over the last few months I really have, determined to really understand why this keeps happening to me, why do I keep relapsing. Counselling etc had really helped me deal with my triggers ..the things that led me to gambling in the first there. But my warped thinking has kept me there, albeit with periods of respite. Because of the work done I now see a massive difference in my thinking. Just one example from my smallest demons, scratch cards. I would convince myself I would win on these, I would convince myself that if I bought 3 I would have more of a 'chance' of winning than if I bought 1. Ridiculous thinking in the face of reality ....millions to one chance. I am so glad that my life is no longer dominated by this rubbish and my thinking is more balanced. It's still very early days but I am enjoying this journey of reflection, understanding and ultimately healing.