My story

Matt,

Pleased to hear of your progress. I remember your first posts on here some months ago - always good to hear positive news.

All the best pal

D123

Thanks D. First week of the new year and I'm going to pose a question now and hope I'm not tempting fate too much. After 7+ plus years of trial and error Am I finally getting the upper hand with this sickening addiction?, was Septembers relapse, as desperate as it was, the final thing to push me forward?. I only say this because I feel so different since getting through/ surviving Xmas from a gambling sense. I've enjoyed feelings of happiness and to some degree euphoria during periods of recovery but this feels so very different. If I can remember it at all I feel like the person I was pre my addiction. I've done so much work on my thinking and the thought processes that lead to my gambling that I can almost say the 'urges' are non existent. Even when they arise, there is no support there to follow them through. Instead it's, it's a mugs game, the cr** odds, the destructive impact. It really feels like a huge turn in my thinking. I'm hopeful but not complacent, I know this thing has tricked me so many times that I need to be constantly watchful but I also really want to note my feelings this week in case it is a big game changer.

Another week has passed. The freedom and objectivity I talked about in my last post has continued. I'm feeling very little wrestle now with urges, the voice, the narrative has changed. The gambling I used to 'allow' myself has stopped. I just have no desire to pursue it anymore. It does feel like a 100 ton weight off my back. My financial situation is a bit like wadeing through treacle at the moment, a bit robbing Peter to Paul but it is what it is and it will ease in time. I just am so glad I'm moving away from this dreadful pastime

Thanks julie for your kind words. Another week has passed and it's nearly the end of January. It feels very good to be here because of the progress made and because the end of the tunnel ie sorting all my debts etc feels psychologically so much closer even though there are still 17 months or so to go. In reality given the size of my debts that's a pretty good place to be! Not all of them as I said before were down to my gambling but a good percentage was. I'm really reinforcing all the thought processes that are keeping me away from gambling as that to me seems to be the key to long term success

Well February is here. The days are getting much nicer and much easier. I think this is a combination of things. My self awareness of my gambling is at its peak, I really have learnt the hard way over the last 10 years about every aspect of my gambling behaviour. Probably most importantly, the start, the triggers. I had an incident happen this week of no huge significance but it left me emotionally exposed, feeling raw. I absolutely know that in the past I would have looked to deal with these feelings by escaping to gambling. Now there is space and time, a window of opportunity to do something different when these feelings come up. In some ways it is enough to acknowledge and respect them. Those moments of hurt we all get show we are human, we have feelings, we care and that's something to be celebrated not covered up. Whereas before I would run now I embrace. I'm enjoy the days and the learning.

Not much to report which is good. It's nearly 4 1/2 months since the night I lost all that cash! So much mentally has changed since then for the better. Still tweaking the finances all the time but I'm not penniless by any means so I'm very lucky. Just moving forward and that's the best way.

Morning fella!

What a journey you've been on - so much of it resonates with me, albeit I progressed into daily gambling from elements of binge. I could go days without thinking about gambling, but then would spend a few hundred quid on football and FOBT's....and so the cycle would continue.....however that then changed into daily gambling with the heavy days interspersed.

I'm about half way into the journey you've been on and never underestimate that the luck in our lives is that there is a way out via hard work, discipline, will power and having amazing people around us.

Keep going mate and looking forward to hearing your updates - I never want to catch you in terms of days clean......I'm more than happy to hang onto your shirt tails!!

All the best,

Mr Brightside

Hi, thanks for the message. It is an incredible journey I guess, it's certainly felt like an awful roller coaster at times. I'm grateful I progressed the other way, daily gambling to binge. I cannot imagine having to go back to fighting urges every single day. However, you make the most important point that with self examination, awareness, and determination it can be possible to make progress. I hope that progress comes for all and I wish you the best on your journey mr brightside.

Not posted for a while, had a dip mentally and just been keeping my head down. The mess I have created financially really gets to me sometimes and over the past month things have cropped up which has meant I haven't made the progress I would like. I'm very hard on myself and I think I have to be realistic sometimes in terms of sorting things out. But I am glad I am doing this at 40, progress is slow and I'm an impatient person with myself but I have got to just take each day week as it comes I think and do the best I can, always knowing I am going forwards not backwards.

hi mate i only gone 13 days so far , and think if i didnt find this it would of been game over for me , i thought i was a very strong willed person , until i got addicted to gambling , but anyway with my strong will and this site for a little extra help on top i think i might just do it . well done going so long , but you must keep posting oftern as i believe this is part of the key as it takes away isolation of feeling like your on your own and then you are less likely to gamble because of that feeling. One thing you said is that you are impatient and i found before i came on this site when i was trying to give up i found that i became impatient watching my debts that ive got from gambling going down very slowly and impatient that they were not going down quick enough, because of this i found myself gambling again , but im not sure if it was to try to win some money to pay the debt off quicker or just to gamble because i was thinking my debt was not going down quick enough so whats the point i give up i may aswell gamble anyway, or it could of been both who knows , but either way what i am saying is don't let this impatience push you into gambling again , its not worth it as all you will be doing is adding more to your debt and then adding more time to clearing your debt. we will get there in time. a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day , so you will clear your debt and when you have , you will think to yourself it did not take that long . We cannot gamble because we cannot stop . ps 54 mins until day 14 for me lol

Just read yr diary and sounds very similar to myself! Age similar and reckless when gambling in past periods!

Brilliant to hear you doing well and still gamble free! I'm over a year now and with this over 10k of my debts

I'm 37 next month and wish I could go back to being 31 and having no debt but what's done is done! I Feel terribly depressed at times but look now at what I can give back through my experiences. It's a illness we need to conker and you like me are in the very early stages if recovery! Keep strong and focused though pal and you can succeed! Look forward to yr regular updates!

Thanks for the comments, work has been ridiculously busy hence my non reply. Things are pretty good at the momentum confident over the next couple of weeks I'm confident of getting on top of my finances...not debt free but I just needed to kick some high cost debt to touch and I have managed to do this. I'm still looking realistically at the end of 2015 to be debt free but it feels better... Just regular amounts going out to chip away at the debt. I'm also well aware I'm fortunate to be able to sort stuff quick. urges etc ain't really been an issue but that has been normal for me, it's the blowouts that have been the killers. I'm reminding myself of that and just being watchful of things but every day not gambling is great and on the horizon I can at least see the mess being cleared

Well. Just catching up with my diary. Busy few weeks as usual. Over the past few days in particular my mind has become focused on some of the other things I have become kinda dependent on alongside the gambling. Even though I recognised some of these issues right at the start of this diary I haven't paid much attention to these other things because one thing at a time but over the past week or so I've decided to let go. It's come from a sense of feeling that I really don't. Need these things anymore..my life is good/full without them all. Maybe that's what drives many addictions after all, the sense that something is not right, something is lacking. I can't really explain it all but I'm feeling like so many things I clung to which we're wrong for me Are falling away. I'm just keeping going with this and seeing where it takes me. I want to get some space from the pain of the past and every day that is coming

sounds like you doing well , thats good i am happy for you

Thanks Tyrer I appreciate it. I do feel like I am making good progress this time. My thought processes seem to be shifting significantly, no thinking of big wins, one chance etc etc. These are the things that previously took me right back to gambling after months of recovery. I wish you well too Tyrer on your journey.