My story and journey forward 190416

Morning all. You couldn't write it....actually laughing this morning (in a synical way) at how gambling has me well and truly beaten!!

I've bet on Dustin Johnson at every golf major for the past few years and he's come close on so many occasions but always blown it. Never had big money on him, not that golf betting was my main vice - just small each way bets usually. Anyway, as I have now stopped gambling he's went and done it for the first time and won a major!

Maybe I was jinxing him lol. Anyway watched the US open golf over the weekend and enjoyed it. Don't feel angry or like I missed out etc. Good to watch the last few holes without trying to work out whether any bets finished in top 5 and so on.

After being angry at him for so long for not winning me money I actually felt really happy for him. He must have been thinking that it would never come and now he's got the monkey off the back I reckon he'll win a few more now like many of the top golfers who've taken a while to win the first to go on and win a few more quite quickly.

Had my first counselling session yesterday. It was good to talk about things but it did make me a bit uncomfortable to drill into areas of my life in the past etc. Felt a little under the microscope but I guess that's what its for - to actually face upto your issues not just hide away in gambling.

For a short while after the session I had really strong urges to gamble. I had visions of winning back a chunk of money to pay off some of the debt. Maybe this was the gambling voice telling me if I won the money to clear off debt then I wouldn't need to put myself through the counselling, everything would be sorted and go away. I actually really convinced myself in my mind that I could just go online set up a new account, win thousands then withdraw it, pay off some of debt and not gamble again. But it didn't last long. The past 12 years tells me different. I cannot gamble. Because even if I did win all the money back, I wouldn't stop. Plus even if I did win big there were so many times especially with new accounts where the pending withdrawals take so long sending ID etc that makes it easier to cancel withdrawal and continue to play. And we all know what's the likely outcome then.

Anyway, 64 days gamble free. Need to have barriers up high this week after yesterday's negative thoughts.

Onwards and upwards.

Day 65. Started my 10K training this morning. Got an app that takes you from couch potato to 10k slowly. Felt good after it.

Between focussing on that and immersing myself in recovery (forum and counselling) I'm filling the gaps of when I used to gamble and it's also helping me with greiving during a difficult time. Monday and yesterday was a bit low thinking about gambling and the one big win I need to sort it all out but feel better today, maybe because I've got up and done some training this morning. Plus I didn't give in to devil on the shoulder.

Also looking at my finances this morning it will be second month in a row I'll have money left in my account when I get paid again - a bizarre feeling. That's with having paid my planned monthly amounts towards debt. I want to set aside the extra into a fund - whether that be for car/house repairs, nice meal out etc. Don't simply want to chuck every penny into debt when I have already stuck to my plan. Just makes me realise how much money I was wasting day to day on cash betting - not just the debt I built up on credit cards.

Been reading lots and lots of recovery diaries on here now. Trying to keep the habit of visiting everyday - notice a pattern of people who dissappear even after a year or more not gambling only to return in a worse situation. Know I need to keep checking in every few days at least.

Early day Tommy but well done on your regular contributions. check out and support some other diaries. It does help. Good luck on the 10k training! Tri

Thanks Tri. Yeah I've started to do that a little but will make it a target to get more involved.

Day 68. Despite wanting a lie in was up early this morning - typical! Anyway, before I do anything - onto gamcare forum for my morning fix - read someone's recovery diary I hadn't read yet the past hour from someone on a similar journey.

Out with my best friends today to go to a craft beer festival - should be good. First things first I need to do my run for 10K training - so my app tells me so better stick to plan.

Reading alot of negativity on the forum the past few days, seems a big change in tone from alot of people. The forum is working for me and I'm happy to avoid the negative stuff and look for the positives. Just like life there are people who inspire you and others who don't. Life's too short to waste energy arguing with someone you don't know - who doesn't bring anything to your recovery. You have to be selfish, move them aside and press on with what works for you.

Got my 2nd counselling session on Monday. Hoping to feel a little more comfortable with it this week since 1st one out of the way.

Onwards and upwards.

Great post & I couldn't agree more with taking what you need 🙂

Now off the couch & out you go, coz I'm with you on that 10k...Vicariously of course 😉

Hi Tommy,

Thanks for the comment in my diary....it's nice if people to take time to read about what you have gone through.

Spent this morning reading through yours. You have been through such a tough time, it's great that you can still be so positive and look to help others even when you have had something horrible happen to you like you have.

Stick in with the counselling session....I now pay for mine and I've had about 14 and I really think they are helping me. I couldnt make mine this week due to work commitments and I must admit I miss my regular blow out....in sure my counsellors ear has enjoyed the week off though :).

Anyway big congrats on the 68 days and I will continue to keep up to date on how you are going.

All the best

Damo

Oh and I've recently started running as well....8k is my furthest so far but it's getting easier each day that I do it.

Used to hate running cause it gave me some much time to think about things....now I have a much clearer head I enjoy it so much more.

Good luck with the 10k.

Thanks Kelly. appreciate the support 🙂

Thanks Damo, I think I'll continue aswell even after the free sessions stop.

A little tipsy tonight after day out with friends on the beer but still good to check in on the forum before I head off to bed.

A few days ago I wrote about one of my freinds who is regarded as a 'professional gambler'. Was with him today was telling me he lost big the last week at Euro2016. No such thing as a sure bet.

Just glad to be gamble free and looking towards the future 🙂

Checking in on Day 71. Also payday. Nice to have had a little extra in my account when pay hit the account - could count on one hand times thats happened in my grown up life.

Had my second counselling session yesterday. Felt more comfortable and opened up a bit more. The last few weeks urges have dwindled. Still logging onto forum morning, noon and night - it's such a positive habit to get into. Also still not withdrawing money or carrying cash as much these days which is helping.

Onwards and upwards.

Hi Half-life. You make a great point, I used the term 'professional gambler' when I was a bit drunk posting the other night. Probably wasn't the correct thing to say in hindsight. Earlier I referred to him as the closest thing to what people (including myself) may regard as a 'professional gambler' but as you say this stereotypical term is probably nothing more than a 'fantasy notion'. Maybe research is a bit misleading, however these guys are paying to be part of secret facebook pages, where intelligence not commonly available to the average punter is shared before bookmakers get the info etc. They are betting in play and constantly looking at historical/live data across different computers/devices. A few people have negatively commented on any mention of sports betting on the forum. The truth is for young guys like myself, it is everywhere embedded in our culture - at work and socially. These comments aren't in anyway some sort of tips for CG's to go off and do something similar - the complete opposite as CG's like me couldn't handle the slow and steady small wins required to build up a decent profit. These comments are part of my recovery in realising even at these lengths some poeple are going to to try and beat the bookmakers it is extremely uncommon and not something I would not want to try and do now or ever, now that I've decided to stop once and for all, finally after many years. I realise that some people may feel that I could be 'glamourising' certain gambling behaviours on the forum so will try to refrain from mentioning again for the benefit of others.

I am no way attracted to his systems or like you say the time/effort to puts into it all the time. My downfall over the years has been fruit machines, fobts and online slots, he only bets on football. I've started to drop into conversations that I'm not betting, I never win anyway etc etc. The more I reiterate that the less he'll discuss it around me.

If I feel it is affecting my recovery the next few times I'm with him I won't hestitate to take your advice and ask him to refrain from discussing it when we're together.

Cheers.

Had a good day today. Booked a holiday for the end of summer with OH.

Told her I would pay for it as a treat. A good feeling. Something I would never have done when in grip of gambling. Put down deposit and know I will be able to pay it off in next few months before we go. In the past I'd have held back on doing that. Know if I stay gamble free that I will 100% have the money to pay for it - no "what if I could win the money to pay for it" etc. Felt nice. This is what the future could look like with no gambling in my life.

As many people on the forum advise, once you stop you need to feel the financial benefits and that is something I'm starting to realise a few months in.

Bring on day 74 gamble free!

Onwards and upwards.

Day 79.

Been away for a break to the Cotswolds with Mrs. 5 days away from the forum nice to be back into daily routine of checking in here.

Was great to get away to quieter parts of country - lots of walking, sightseeing etc. When you visit these nicer towns and villages you very rarely notice a bookies anywhere so didn't think much about gambling.