signalman wrote: Hey guys Its all done. Everything out in the open. Yesterday I felt a huge high from doing so. Knowing I'm not alone in this now. We are going to spend the day addressing the blocks and also looking at support links for me. Maybe contact Stepchange or Payplan too. I slept well for the first time in days. However this morning I feel really low... Depressed, shaky, nervous. Feel like urges could come back if I feel like i got nothing left to lose. I told my wife how I feel today. She's going to keep an eye on me. I really hope over time we can pay off this huge mistake I've made. Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me to do the right thing. However for some reason my head is not right today. Is this normal after disclosure. Everything just seems so real today... Real and scary. I need to do this for my wife and son though don't I.
Hi bud keep strong. I have messed up so many times since I was 13 so 30 odd years of almost being a slave to gambling so far for the 1st time in a while I am over 3 weeks gf and actually feeling good about myself. Family keeps me sane and the fact that only numpties like yself who work on the railway have to get up at 2/3am to do some work lol. Life will be s**t at times no doubt because with the highs you have to have the lows but keep being strong and things WILL get better! There is no magic wand there is just determination, support and your will to succeed! and you say you need to do it for your wife and son but also do it for YOURSELF.
Hey guys
Day 7... Still going strong. Thanks for checking on me.
Yesterday had a good drive to work then my bank account was frauded - easily fixed I know but regardless had a bit of a meltdown there - this is twice now I've acted strangely at work so people were worried about me all day. Got through the day but I was fixated on ways to get the money back. Came home - told my wife everything - went to bed.
Couldn't get out of bed to take my son to nursery. Felt massively depressed. Still fixated on recouping the finances one way or another. Stepchange rang - said we could talk to a mortgage advisor in a few weeks re. remortgaging the debt to make it go away - felt optimistic after that and got up and done stuff throughout the day.
Cleared my head now - focus back on getting well again and caring for my son. Money is at the back of my mind. Stepchange assistance not guaranteed - if it happens it happens, if not then so be it. Focused on getting well now. Thinking all the right things. I know getting out of bed for a while will be tough though - hopefully will get easier over time. GA group tomorrow.
Emailed my friend in America who I am supposed to be visiting in November. Put everything down in an email. It helped loads to gain perspective + strength. Will spend the afternoon sorting out a few more financial bits then spend time with my son after nursery.
I'm still surviving guys - day 7 in. Bad morning but found some strength and perspective from somewhere. Good luck all.
Keep going...one day at a time
AlanT75 wrote:
[quote=signalman]Hey guys Its all done. Everything out in the open. Yesterday I felt a huge high from doing so. Knowing I'm not alone in this now. We are going to spend the day addressing the blocks and also looking at support links for me. Maybe contact Stepchange or Payplan too. I slept well for the first time in days. However this morning I feel really low... Depressed, shaky, nervous. Feel like urges could come back if I feel like i got nothing left to lose. I told my wife how I feel today. She's going to keep an eye on me. I really hope over time we can pay off this huge mistake I've made. Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me to do the right thing. However for some reason my head is not right today. Is this normal after disclosure. Everything just seems so real today... Real and scary. I need to do this for my wife and son though don't I.
Hi bud keep strong. I have messed up so many times since I was 13 so 30 odd years of almost being a slave to gambling so far for the 1st time in a while I am over 3 weeks gf and actually feeling good about myself. Family keeps me sane and the fact that only numpties like yself who work on the railway have to get up at 2/3am to do some work lol. Life will be s**t at times no doubt because with the highs you have to have the lows but keep being strong and things WILL get better! There is no magic wand there is just determination, support and your will to succeed! and you say you need to do it for your wife and son but also do it for YOURSELF.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
In a weird way if I keep telling myself I'm not well and I need to prioritise getting better I feel stronger.
You will bit by little bit, use your family to remind yourself why you need to recover. Gambling is an illness, I don't know if there is an actual "Cure" but there certainly is rehabilitation to help rebuild your life and YOU can do it. Keep the faith in yourself and support structures around you. DO NOT think after a month you are cured because chances are you let your guard down. Look at becoming gf as the long haul. It will take longer but the end product will be so much better.
Good to hear from you again S :)) .
Were not well when we come here mate and that's exactly why this place works as a kind of therapy , I know the early day's are not easy when you begin to come to terms with what we have done and the carnage we leave in our wake and all I can say is that there bog standard feelings but also feelings that won't last forever .
The more day's you get under your belt and cleaning up a little bit of that mess every day will ease the stress your feeling , the fog lifts and the mind becomes clearer as it does but it's important that you fight for what you want and get yourself outta bed every morning , trust me facing up to what needs to be taken care of is good therapy in itself .
That being said some day's are quite stressfull and I understand that feeling well , I felt somedays I had a huge mountain to climb and the slightest issue during a day would seem like a monumentous task but you break it all down , prioritise and deal with it and that's all there is to it my friend .
Nowaday's for me I realise that theres no dark sinister spells at work and that it's just normal everyday life but it's taken time to reach that point .
Your in a " Temporary State " which will improve :))
Bite size chunks my friend :))
"cleaning up a little bit of the mess every day"
Thank you A9. You really are a wise old owl.
Yep , less of the " OLD " :))
I worry about winter and the cold days, dark nights coming up and the effect on my mood re losing control. Any advice regarding this
It makes me sad to think that probably a lot of people get swallowed up by the winter blues and end up relapsing...
Don't look too far ahead S , seriously your looking way ahead of where you need to be , you'll be a different person by the time winter arrives provided you stick to the plan , put the effort in now and the future will take care of itself , get through Autum first then if all else fails warm clothing and a mug of hot soup will get you through those cold day's and dark nights :)) .
One day at a time :))
Ps , that's where those watertight blocks come in and if you put enough in front of gambling it won't get through , set yourself a task and think of " How you would be able to gamble again " so that's what'sknown as the " TIME , MONEY , LOCATION " triangle so if you remove one you can't gamble and if you can find an answer or a loophole < CLOSE IT NOW < , no need to worry about a winter relapse then is there ? .
Ok I see A9. Thanks - I'll think about that.
I think I understand the "one day at a time" mantra now... Starting to realise it's all about literally surviving each day somehow... one by one - then over time the survival becomes easier to do as you get better at it.
I realised today that when dealing with this it pays to confide in not just family but any close friends you may have that won't judge you and will offer extra support.
I appreciate this illness is somewhat taboo and I'm not saying go sing from the rooftops or anything... Just wondering about safety in numbers and having extra people watching your back that's all.
Alone with my son again tomorrow. Nervous... For the first time since it happened I spent some quality time with him helped with bath and played games with him etc... I could tell he was glad to have me back.
Worried about motivating myself in the morning but asked my mum to have him in the afternoon so I can go gym attend a GA meeting. Apprehensive about that too. Wish me luck
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