NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Is there a difference between a compulsive gambler and an impulsive gambler?

Impulsive just suggests you do something on a whim and my gambling was alway' like a planned army exercise , I would make sure I had the time available where I wouldn't be disturbed or at least an excuse at the ready incase I was supposed to be somewhere else , I had funds at hand usually in cash so there was no paper trail leading back to the bookies but always took a card with me just incase a trip to the cashpoint was needed .

Once all this was in hand off I would trot and proceed to keep feeding my addiction for as long as I could , not wanting to stop, nor being able until every last penny was lost , so I guess that's the compulsive bit but it's all gambling whichever way I look at it ? .

You asked me on my diary about dealing with people who talk about wins they've had ? .

Not much you can do about it really S and you have to get used to it , it was the same for me walking pasrt a bookies or a casino , just because I chose to stop gambling they weren't going to remove all the shops from the high street or close all the casino's down just for me now were they ? , so the onus was on me to make sure I closed those watertight doors I mentioned .

The Tv's on and there's roulette on at least 2 channels I flip through , horse racing on plus all the gambling adverts in the background and it's very difficult to avoid in the early stages but now I don't notice so much and they don't mean anything to me anymore .

It's funny though that throughout my gambling career and even with people I meet who are gamblers now , you never hear one that's lost and the question you ask is "How's yer luck mate " ? and the usual reply is either " I've done ok " or " I've broken even " how many would truthfully own up to having done their " b@ll@ck's ? .

I'm really glad your finding strength from GA and being around here , it's what you need at the moment , it won't alway's be this way as time moves on but for now it's what you need and from experience it helps not be alone in this .

When I stumbled on this place it gave me a huge sense of relief just to know I wasn't alone with my addiction , which because nobody spoke about I truly believed I was the only one suffering :)).

It's getting late so I'll talk to you again soon buddy :))

Have a good one :))

Alan

Thanks Alan. You know what - I did a good thing yesterday, as mentioned I was reading about people and their wins on here which wasn't doing me any good so I switched forum to the success stories page and made for better reading. Will do that next time I need reminding of better times ahead.

Day 10 let's go!

Day 10 done. Went to a charity football match with family. Fog slowly starting to lift. Got impatient with my wife a couple of times during the day - checked myself at a later point and apologised profusely... apology is not something I would have done before. Goes to show that this recovery process undertaken means much much more than merely stopping the next bet - it's about personal transformation and laying out a better world for yourself and everyone around you - talking is key even if confronting hurtful truths.

Got home - someone has crashed into our wall and driven off. Wall in bad shape. Don't care. It's just a wall... before I would have been very angry and feeling pent up about injustice in the world... may sort it out one day... may not. It's just a wall :o) Life needs sorting out first - then wall.

Day 10 down. Gambling not really entered my mind at all today. Mainly consumed by moving forward and rewiring my brain for a better future.

I’ve read your diary with interest and I am pleased for you that you have told your wife and she is supportive.

I do wonder though that you seem to lament and look to the past about your gambling a lot.

What’s done is done, what’s lost is lost is the bit of advice I’d give to you.

Always move forward and take each day as it comes. The damage to your life will stop getting any worse if you stay in recovery and in time things will get better.

I do feel for you, you are having a rough time, since you started your diary you lost the money, had your bank account hacked and now someone drives into your wall!!!!!! That’s too much..,..

Take care, I wish you well.

Thanks for the advice Hopefully... they say bad luck comes in threes don't they... :o)

Anyway I decided I may leave the wall as it for a while - its damaged but still standing - a bit symbolic to my situation - if the wall can stand up and do it's job in it's current state then so can I.

Packing today - stressing me out. People go on holiday to reward themselves for their hard work - I don't feel I deserve this at all. Need to stay focused for wife and son though - they deserve a good time. You know what Hopefully - I know you're right about lamenting - I know you are. If I stay well I have a bright future ahead. However it's the nights leading into the mornings that catch me out - time to think - time to dwell. Last night I had dreams about winning the money back and doing myself in. Thought I had a good day so didn't expect those. Needless to say couldn't get out of bed this morning.

My plan is to tire myself out with positive things during the days so I just fall into a deep sleep + set essential tasks to do in the morning so I have to get out of bed - no procrastinating. I suppose looking to the past makes me worry about my future and a relapse that's all. No chances left. Thank you for reminding me that things will improve if I stay in recovery and do the right things in my life - no lies, no deceit, honesty and transparency throughout.

Away for a week tomorrow - will be posting while away no doubt to see how everyone else getting on. If anyone needs any support please post. Good luck all. Day 11 GF.

hi signalman,

keep going bud, you're doing better than you're giving yourself credit for. We both need to keep the irritable feeling in check with our SO's. it's not their fault we feel like this and they shouldn't be used to vent frustration in the form of being snappy. When I speak to my other half about what's going on with me she doesn't offer too much practical advice but with feelings etc, she's great. guess it's the caring nature most women seem to have.

One of your posts you talk about it being part of the routine just like brushing your teeth. I related to that like, hit me like a brick to the face. I used to love my routine on a Saturday morning, bacon sandwich, coffee, fantasy footy and then hours studying form and fixtures. that's why this is so hard, it's so cemented in our daily lives, takes a lot to break the cycle. I would say that the major thing that has helped me is getting a new hobby, I don't think about betting when I'm running, playing footy or reading.

keep going mate!

A

Thanks A. Thanks a lot for the advice. Need to get going with gym again. Really good to hear from you.

Enjoy your holiday! I’m away on Friday and can’t wait for the break... only a fortnight since I fell back on the wagon so the break will be good.

Honestly, you have nothing to fear, you are not depriving yourself of anything by not gambling, you are in fact sparing yourself the misery gambling will bring!

Right now you are free from the clutches of gambling and that should be an amazing feeling!

Don’t mourn gambling, you have struck your mortal enemy down by escaping its clutches make sure it stays down.

Thanks hopefully. Thank you. I guess I feel like I've lost the battle right now due to the carnage it's left behind and the pieces to pick up but by stepping out the war itself and giving up the ghost of gambling I will ultimately be the victor. Thanks

Took my son swimming today. Usually would do this without a seconds thought but today it was a big build up for me and mentally drained me. He had a fab time though so am very pleased with the trip. Took a lot of my energy but it was worth it. Need to help for my mood and motivation from gp when back from hols.

Woke up and forgot for about 5 minutes what I've done and about recovery, then it all came flooding back. I guess a sign that I'm slowly healing up but also a sign that I need to keep my guard up at all times. Day 12 today.

Feel strangely optimistic about life. can only be a good thing I guess. A new future ahead of me.

Still getting silly urges to win money back though. Feel so annoyed with myself for feeling this way... :o(