Need serious help! My life is ruined

We still haven't forgotten you Rach

Good on you Alainepo, that's nice.

I will also echo the above Rachel

Hi all! Not sure if you're still following this but I thought I should give you all an update...

Unfortunately I was sentenced at the end of March to 18 months imprisonment. I served 5 months in and I'm now on home dentention curfew (tag) until the end of the year. It's been an experience that's for sure. The hardest part was being separated from my family and 7 month old son. I ended up giving birth to my daughter whilst there too, luckily I only served a week after she was born and we stayed together on a mother and baby unit.

I can't believe I actually made it through, I know it's a bit of a cliche but you really don't know how strong you are until you go through something so traumatic.

The prison service do not rehabilitate gamblers, only alcoholics and drug users so I didn't get any help whilst there and I missed my counselling I'd arranged as I couldn't make the appointments, I have to call up and get back on the waiting list now.

No one inside including staff and healthcare could believe I was in prison as they all said what a lovely polite person I am, it just goes to show we are all capable of making mistakes and life isn't always as straight forward as we'd like it to be. I'm not a bad person just became consumed by the thrill and escape of gambling. I still don't fully understand it myself and I still get urges to gamble. When I was close to returning home I thought about it a lot and the day I came home I logged into my one account but then switched it off. I just want to put it all behind me now and look forward to a happy future with my family and make the most of my time with my children. The guilt I feel is hard to deal with and I know I'll be making it up to my babies for the rest of my life (not that they will ever remember this).

I hope you are all well and coping with everything life throws at you.

We can all get through this no matter how bad things get xx

Oh wow. I've just read your story from the orginal post. I'm so glad you have that last update. I'm crying my eyes out for you. I'm so sorry that gambling gripped you in the way it did/has. Has your partner stood by you and managed to keep your home going or are you living elsehwere now? it's so scary to hear hear the urges are still there - well done for not reacting to them, please please keep it that way.

best wishes

Hi Rach

Congratulations on the arrival of your daughter 🙂 I remember your story. Sorry to see it did end up the way it did but at least now the worry and the negative anticipation is behind you and you can start to rebuild.

I'm a bit concerned about you logging in as soon as you were home though. Get someone to sit with you while you self exclude permamently then get them to set a password for an effective blocker. You probably haven't been back long and there's lots to sort out but I'd urge you to get on the list for Gamcare counselling and prioritise getting to GA.

All the best

Hi Rach, wow what a journey - punishment served now is this time to rehabilitate.

It sounds like the temptation is still there so please do yourself a favour and self exclude as best you can to make things a little harder for yourself to gamble.

All the best

It Matters More

Thanks both,

My partner has stood by me and him and my family have been amazing support these past 5 months. They have all looked after my son and came to see me as much as possible. At times it was hell but now it's all over and I don't ever have to worry or think about it again! I didn't lose my home luckily, the barrister said they would make me sell up and pay the equity to the courts but they closed the case so I'm guessing the punishment was enough for them.

I did log on but didn't gamble and I did have some money in my bank so could have easily done it. My partner and i have spoken and he made me promise tonne open and honest so I told him I wanted to do it and we talked it out. I can't have Gamcare counselling as I'm due to see an NHS counsellor so have to finish that course first. I think the issues stem deeper than just gambling and need to get to the route. I will take all the help I can get though. Not that I'll ever end up inside again but I don't want to still feel the need to gamble. I want to hate it for what it's done to me and my life but I don't??

I have two children under one to look after so they will keep me busy for the next 18 years! And more!

Still all feels a bit surreal if I'm honest, I've only been home a week today...

Good to see gig back Rach, been keeping an eye out for and fear the worst when hadn't posted for a while.

Congratulations on baby and I'm thankful you didn't have to spend to long inside after the birth. You've got a great opportunity now if putting this all behind you and moving on with your man and the babies. Don't blow that by getting drawn back in to gambling all it was caus you misery.

I know a lot of people will be delighted to see you back

My word i am happy to hear back from you, i feared the worst when you went quiet for a while. I knew you could survive it but i also knew how troubled you were over it. I don't know if you read it but i got a suspended sentence for my case and was hoping you would get the same. The thing is you have gained another perspective on life, albeit one you didn't volunteer for but lots of things come our way which we wouldn't ask for. You even say it yourself now that you are not a bad person and we all make mistakes, too right we do. I think you are in a great position to offer help to others if you feel like it in the future, of course you and your family come first. I hope the worst is behind you now and that you can move on from all this, i would think you would be so grateful for all the little things we can sometimes take for granted now you are home. Keep a firm grip on that desire to be more open with your husband as that can only be a good thing. Glad you are home now

Hey rach. ..welcome home hun and congrates on the baby...I've thought about you often love and guessed what had happened...youve got through it love...and the future is now yours and your families....please find the time to come on here...and I'm sure gamcare will be happy to arrange counselling for you. ...keep those blocks high my love and focus on taking one day at a time....you've made my day xxx

Hi Rach :))

I mirror everone else's comment love , Congratulations on the arrival of your daughter and it's good to hear your back where you belong with your family :))

Best wishes for the future Hun xx

Welcome back Rach - we are all with you, shoulder to shoulder, all the way! The warmth we have is matched with our red-hot commitment to help you in your continued GF journey ... we are all here 🙂

Welcome back Rachel. Thank you so much for coming back to update everyone on what you've been through. You have a lot of support here on the forum.

We echo what Lethe has suggested. It is worrying that you went back to your online account. You were very strong not to gamble, but it you might find it the temptation is reduced if you know blocking software and self-exclusion is in place. You're also right to want to get to the root of the problem. Even if you can't have GamCare counselling right now, you are very welcome to contact the HelpLine and talk things through, on 0808 8020133. We're here 8am to midnight. As well as this forum there's also our chat rooms which are open every day - the next ones are tonight (Wednesday) 7pm and 9pm. Would be great to see you there.

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin.

Hi Rach,

Just read your diary from start to finish. I am so sorry for what you have been through! This addiction can happen to anyone. I was shocked to see your post when you stated: The prison service do not rehabilitate gamblers, only alcoholics and drug users so I didn't get any help whilst there and I missed my counselling I'd arranged as I couldn't make the appointments, I have to call up and get back on the waiting list now. It makes me feel angry the lack of support out there.

I wish you all the very best wish for you, your family and loved ones.

You say you have recently logged on, I would really recommend your cancel your bank cards, and give them to someone you trust and simply have a cashcard or get given cash when you need it. I have personally taken these steps and I honestly would say I am so glad I did, it's simply stops me from doing it.. Please put the barriers in place now, and work on yourself and your own happiness, with the barriers in place everything will work itself now.

I wish you all the very best. Believe in yourself x

Aww thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I just wish I'd used this service sooner so I could have prevented all this upset and misery. It's been one heck of a journey but I'm through the worst now and I need stay positive.

I was hoping for a suspended sentence but the judge reduced it from 3 1/2 years to 18 months so I'm also lucky for that as I couldn't have done all that time. I still find it all a bit surreal that I've been to prison for something like gambling. I would never have thought that's where I would end up. My daughter is beautiful and my son has grown into such a little character, I'll never allow myself to be separated from either of them again.

My partner has access to my Bank so he can see if I have been gambling, which I won't, and I only have limited funds in there anyway. I will never get credit again as my rating is so poor from all the debts I took out so that's good as well.

It's awful they don't offer help, they should have something in prison to support you but unfortunately it's not seen as a strong addiction. i want to use this experience to help others, not just for gambling but pregnant women and mothers who receive custodial sentences as it's very difficult to cope with. I'm definitely going to look into it once the children are a bit older and I look to get back into work.

Thank you all again for being there for me and I'm sorry to have worried you. Hopefully this will all be forgotten about soon and I can stop thinking about it. Guilt is so hard to deal with but the counselling should help with that.

Allain - im so pleased you had a suspended sentence, you must be so relieved!

Onwards and upwards 🙂