Need serious help! My life is ruined

Rachel, so good to hear from you.
Congratulations on your new arrival and lovely to hear you are now back together as a family unit.
From reading your latest posts you're sounding very positive and upbeat, before your posts were so full of worries and fear.
It must be wonderful for you to feel you now have a semblance of control for your future.
Disgusting how you didn't get and help in prison therefore until you receive the help you must make it impossible for yourself to gamble again.
So happy to hear you have got through your ordeal.
All good wishes x

Having bad day today and feel like gambling. I don't really have the money but you know how we all manage to find it somehow,... thought I'd post on here instead 🙂

Well done for coming here rach..
I don't need to tell you the misery and despair you will feel if you hit those slots again .....take yourself back to those nights you were separated from youre family...
Talk to them...tell them how you feel...I'm hoping you've got blocks in place so you can't actually get to the sites....they've taken so much from you and lead you to do things you bitterly regret...don't be sucked in again love...go look at your babies...they need you ...and love you....no online slot will give you what they will....stay strong..xx

Thank you. I didn't do it! I focused on the children but how mad is it that I still want to do it even after what's happened?? X

Hi Rach..

May i answer your last q...
Addiction is alive within you and it has no boundaries, sense of shame, memories, fear or humanity. It's emotionless and anytime you feel like letting it take over - it always uses an opportunity!

Well done for resisting but you cannot do it alone. Keep looking for support, keep talking..keep arresting this beast over & over again because that's the only way forward. Never let your guard down.

Your family needs you and will give you wayy more back than gambling.

Stay strong, you did the time for making a crime, please learn from such experience..You're worth more than the misery gambling provides.

B&S xx

Rach87 wrote:

Hi, I can't tell you how ashamed I feel of myself, I never believed this would be the person I become. It started over a year ago I went on jackpot joy and won some money then it spiralled. w**********l had me addicted to a certain game which I did win on but also lost a lot on. I have cancelled all accounts but it's so easy to sign up to new ones and I can't afford to pay for software. I have ended up stealing from my employer (thousands and thousands) which I have admitted to and now have to be charged and sentenced 🙁 I thought I could win it all back but even when I did I blew it again, one night 30k! It wasn't real money to me. So now I have no job which I worked hard for (and loved) but The worst part is I am 38 weeks pregnant and now feel I am a terrible mum and won't be able to be there mentally for my baby. My whole life has been ruined and taken over by such a pathetic addiction! I don't know how I will cope. My family and partner are tying to be positive but I fear I will go to prison! What have I done? How can my life ever be normal after this? The guilt is just too much and I can't be happy to be a mother or a good person to anyone. I have been refered to the mental health team but the waiting list is a few weeks longv in the mean time I have to give birth which is causing even more anxiety and guilt!

Hi Rach, you may not believe me although I actually shed a tear when I read your story. I know the average condesending joe public would probably think the worse however as someone who can relate to how powerful this addiction is I understand what is making you do this. Please hang in there and dont let this disease beat you. There is help out there you just have to want it bad enough.

Thank you, I haven't been on here in a while but I appreciate your words of wisdom. I did have a slight relapse when I came home but my partner found out and I have put more measures in place to stop I've deleted my internet banking and self excluded from the sites I was most addicted too. The urge is still there and I do think about doing it a lot, especially after a wine! My family are more important and they will give me the focus I need to move on. I'm still waiting for a counsillor to get in touch but hoping it's soon xx

Hi Rach

Just caught up on your posts - well done for getting to where you are now but it sounds like the temptation is still very strong in you.

Is alcohol a trigger for you perhaps? How about going a month without and see if that makes any difference, easy on the pocket and may help in the long run.

Take care and stay GF.

Sheeeeee's home!! Nice to see you back Rachel x

Thanks lady h 🙂 it's good to be home! Prison is not the place for me! I'm home now with my two beautiful children and that's what I need to focus on. I think the temptation will always be there and I need to prevent it from ever happening again. People around me still don't get it that's why I like coming on here as you all know how powerful and distructive this addiction is.

Hope everyone else is ok x

I have a strong urge to gamble today and I don't know why! I feel a bit down so that isn't helping. I can't and I won't do it but why won't this feeling go away 🙁

Hi Rachel.

What is it that you have or haven’t done differently today? What makes today a bad day where as others you are fine ? If you work that out you can work round those situations like maybe it’s because you are stressed so maybe get yourself in less stressful situations or try some meditation maybe or learn some yoga moves. Do something that will remove the stress. With every urge overcome you will become stronger over time .

Hi wentworth,

I don't know what it is, some days I just get like this. I'm a little unwell at the moment and feel run down. The thrill of the games and the money makes me want to do it. I know I can't and any money I get now I spend on the children before I can gamble it. But I don't get how after all I've been through, and all I've lost, how I still feel the urge to do it? I must be mental!

The big wins I had don't help as I tell myself I could have them again and sort out my debt and money worries. No one around me understands and find it difficult to talk to me x

Hi Rach , sorry to b**t in :))

Your'e not alone with those feeling's you know " That's the power of addiction " talking and it'll get in wherever it can so you feeling a little unwell , rundown or under the weather is a perfect time for it to strike and it will be whispering " I'll make you feel better " and " I'll cheer you up after a rough day " it's the whole " Dopamine " effect thing giving you that instant pick me up which we all need at those times when thing's aren't great but the problem for us is if we get it that way the whole cycle start's again and back to square one we go :((

Are only real option is to.just keep fighting it until it goes away and it will go away Rach , you know it does :)) .

Maybe a good old fashioned Drinking chocolate and an early night might help fight things off ? . Especially if your not feeling great ? .

Hi Rachel the urge or addiction don’t just go away even after all we’ve been through. We all think one more big win and our problems will be solved but if you look back at previous big wins how did they change our life ? Was it for the better? The answer is no the big wins make it worse. I’m yet to meet a compulsive gambler who walked away in profit or even. To rationalise having a bet in our heads we dream of paying debt or sorting out all our families financial difficulties. That’s how addiction fools us. If you broke your right leg you wouldn’t break your left leg to make it feel better because that’s the same logic as gambling to pay back debt that we got into whilst gambling. 2 wrongs never make a right.

You’re a mother who has been through child birth twice I’m told it’s the worst pain in the world. That could be my wife making a meal out of it though lol if you can do that you can fight an urge to gamble .

I suggest if you don’t carry a picture of your family around where ever you go and when you feel like gambling take it out. Don’t just look at it stare at it. Think of all the things you’ve going to be doing with them as they grow up. Think of the woman you would like to see raise your children . Does she gamble or is she the mother you aspire to be? If you can’t do it for you do it for them.

Even after all you’ve been through just believe you can do this. You really can

Hopefully you feel better soon

Best wishes