Need to start all over!

morning mate

sorry to see you had a slip,but please can i just say its not "sick".we have all been there and as much as we dont want to we are drawn and suckered into it.its very very hard resisting them temptations.

i once remember playing a bog standard game of roulette on mobile phone and was doing £100 a spin knowing that 8 out of ten times i was losing.tears were rolling down my eyes,clenching my teeth wanted to just turn the d**n phone off.i couldnt!!id just taken out a 2 grand loan and had about £1500 lieing in the bank and couldnt stop until id emptied my account.

so please try and stay strong and positive frame of mind as we have all been there and none of us are sick.2009 approaching and maybe time for a new start.all the best.neil.

Hi Awayout

I have just read through your last thread and I think you must start to really think about getting blocks and barriers in the way of your next bet. We all set ourselves up to have a bet if we want one. The thing to do is recognise your behaviour. Ask yourself deep down why you are carrying numbers on you? Answer them honestly!

Let's hope you can start to move forward on your road to recovery. Little steps at a time turn into a long road and we are all in no rush to get wherever we're going. Just take it easy and one day is all we have. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow is not even here. Stay close to this site as it worked previously.

Take care mate and get those barriers in place QUICKLY.

Best wishes

Steve E

Have to admit was at it again this Christmas Eve. Might cast a small cloud over Christmas. I am not going to let it spoil Christmas as I know I deserve better than that.

I know the amounts compared to last year are smaller losses but I am still in deep water so should not gamble at all. Right up to hilt in overdraft again.

Don't know why I did it. Bad day at work - escapism etc etc. I knew where it would lead...Just happened to find myself doing it like some other person. I know tomorrow I will think that was not the real me it was an impostor...

I should have installed barriers on computer straight away as Stevey suggested. At the time however I thought I was strong enough but was not.

Already a couple small family tiffs - one caused by the gambling the other just chance. But a relapse makes you feel vunerable and tetchy.

Will bail myself out when I go back to work on Monday.

Should not have done this to myself and others today...

Thing is in the family gathering situation I feel like 'the black sheep of the family' because of the addiction and I am not just being sensitive always am getting it in the ear over nothing - petty little side swabs in the conversation etc .

No-one ever seems to want to agree with me in a conversation. Am I that despicable???? Or is it just human nature....

Certainties:

i)If I stay off gambling things will get better financially

ii)I am happier and emotionally more stable without gambling so why do it???

AWAYOUT

Heres to a Happy Christmas!!!!

I really realised I am lucky in many ways. Still having a supportive family behind me despite what has happened. Alhtough one or two people cannot accept it is an illness.

I finally realise I do have a serious problem I am on the lowest full-time wage I have every been on since university.

I have to stay in the crappy job to pay the debt off. Maybe the gambling has affected my career path..

I am in 23k in debt still 2 loans and 2 overdrafts oh and 1 student loan which I will never have to pay off I defer and never earn the national average.

My mother was very forgiving when it was Christmas eve and found I had let her and myself once again by gambling my last few quid in my bulging overdraft and close to going over.

Fortunately enough left over somewhere else to use to stop m egoing over the other overdraft and pay bills for January

This is after a few months of still relapsing. Despite saying I will do one thing (give up)

I am still doing the other gambling with money I do not have and cannot afford to lose....all in the hope that some win will bail me out.

I should know now as a compulsive gambler a win just makes me feel like gambling more as much as a loss which will be chased until everythng gone. A lose lose, situation...

I think the last one I joined had a net loss of £392. This is a large part of my monthy wage..

Gambling has effected my self-woth, self-image and esteem.

When I dont gamble things may not be perfect as still in debt but I feel more stable emotionally.

I have tricked myself into thinking it is 'OK to have a gamble' and still can control it. So many times I end up harming myself and others why I do not know?!

On the 29th will be visiting the banks to prevent paying more unauthorised overdraft charges. Has not happened for a while..

Once a relapse has occurred I always think. 'Why did I do that, 'was I really enjoying it???' Such as waste. But when I am doing it it seems so exciting and an integral part of who I am...

Well today is day 1 gamble free. I cannot even bear to watch competitive game/quiz shows where there is a risk or gambling element as it just reminds me of my own problem and can set me off again.

A very Merry Christmas and gamle free New Year everyone

Hi Awayout

It appears you want to give up gambling but like most of us want it to come easy. The truth is you have to gt honest with yourself and ask yourself truthfully why you leave doors open!

Get those barriers in place and it will be a little easier. Only you can do this and only you can bail yourself out. It is entirely up to you.

Take care and keep posting

Steve E

When I think I was close to having one clear overdraft and now both up to the hilt again makes me sick.

Only saving grace I keep getting refused on loans and even overdraft extension becuase of my poor credit rating. I think if the banks still let me I would be going into further debt.

Had a really embarrassing experience the other day went into a bank - cashier said 'would you like a review you are really deep into your overdraft!'. As if I did not know already I had to get cash out to prop up the other account and now I am the same stage again....

It was so embarrassng other people overhearing I wish they would not do that...

I am putting a bit of spare cash I have in to stop myself going into unauthorised territory and then can install gamblock for a year. Maybe that is the final stage I need....

Today Day 2. At least I will not be gambling on New Years Eve like I did last year and taking out another credit card - to get out of gambling debt in short term then just gamble the 3k on the card agan. How dumb was that - sorry we know it's the addiction.

But when you start to come round it is quite painful

wIll try and post in other peoples diaries/read them

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I,ve read most of your diary/s (is it no 3 now??) and i have to say your making no progress whatsoever,do you want to stop gambling or not!!!!.

I may appear to sound quite blunt there,if you knew me you would soon realise i,m a good guy whose intentions are also good and i dont intentionally try to offend people but after reading a little statement in your latest post it struck a chord with me and i felt like replieing.

How dumb was that-sorry we know its the addiction.

I guess some people like to blame "the addiction" or "illness" etc etc,personally i blame ME and only ME for letting gambling get a hold of me,too many people wont accept responsibility for their actions,ive never been a fan of whether compulsive gambling is an illness or not,all i know is i didnt want to carry on gambling in the heavy way i was.

Now all the help that is available ie: here,GA,counselling etc is great but if you dont drink it in and start sorting yourself out then i,m afraid its a certainty i will read about your many slips throughout 2009.

I hope you suss it out soon,

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Yes A New Life

I do blame me. I am not blaming the illness but it clearly is as I am still fighting it.

You woould agree compulsive gambling disorder is a recognised mental illness and an addiction....

Like a drug I need to put barriers in place and start over in 2009. But you are right to be blunt the gambling will continue to damage me unless I continue to fight but is is a case of a daily struggle against the illness I do not think it is just a case of a weak will.

I do blame myself I am not making any excuses behind the addiction but I am addicted and despite what you say (no offence taken) the time away from gambling has improved. Only sporadic relapses are still getting in the way of my recovery.

In 2007 I could not stay away from gambling one day or stop thinking about gambling things are slowly getting better. I no linger think about the wagers or dwell on past losses. It is just a case I still find myself doing what I should not now and again...

Though you mean well to be blunt I have to say every persons recovery is different according to their own lives. I am not going to do a downer on myself I am trying to be positive.

If recovery was just a case of putting blocks in place and choosing not to gamble then I would not be in this state. My addiciton feels like a drug still in me. I am slowly coming off it. Addiction is a serious matter and should not be taken likely as is each persons individual recovery.

Yes I have relapsed with not enought blocks. But my addiction is such even when I have put the blocks in place there is always some way to gamble if you want it enough.

Improvements however small have been made. In 2007 I was going on FOBTs everyday bar Sunday wagering up to £600 per time. That dreadful time has passed.

I am taking responsibility for my own problem. I have not taken the easy way out of Bankruptcy in an effort to see what the gambling has done to me. Even though I am on a low wage I have chosen to pay £23k of debts accrued from gambling back slowly over time.

I am not a quitter or a person who is making excuses please be clear on that but I know I am ill. Please be careful when you say in someone's diary:

'i have to say your making no progress whatsoever,do you want to stop gambling or not!!!!.'

Regards AWAYOUT

Hi Awayout

All these things you are describing "I'll put gamblock on after Xmas, maybe in the New Year", maybe never?

I think New life was only trying to help by saying what he did the way he did. Maybe it was said that way because he, like me, can see where you're going, because we went there, we thought like that not so long ago.

I am not going to judge you or anyone else as I have no right to do so.

What I can do is tell you how I stopped and how I am still not gambling, 18 months later.

I went to G.A. and found by just listening to others I could learn. And I had and still have a lot of learning to do. Because if I knew everything I wouldn't have gotten myself into the trouble I did get myself into in the first place.

Like you, I gambled to escape - from life, from day to day worries and concerns. I didn't want to think about anything or anyone and the only way to achieve that was to go to the casino and gamble.

But - I have learned that I needed to change from within me. I had to really look at me and see where I was going wrong, who I really was. Then I started to change my way of thinking and I still am. Everytime I feel I am going down the old way of thinking I am now able to take a step back and think about it. I have found that it is my way of thinking that had taken me back to gambling in the past and it has given me problems where there weren't any in the first place. The brain is a weird and wonderful thing.

So you see - to be able to stop and stay stopped all I had to do was to change me.

That is not an easy task. I was used to organising a lot of things, being in charge! That had to go! And you know why? Because it didn't work. If it had, I wouldn't have been in so much debt, I wouldnt have lied and hurt my family and friends the way I have.

There is a prayer in G.A.(G.A. is not religious by the way) It goes as follows:

God, grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the

Wisdom to know the difference.

It took me months to really look at the prayer and realise that it was easy to stay stopped if only I would follow that prayer.

There is also the H.O.W. of recovery.

H = Honesty

O = Openmindedness

W = Willingness

I have to be completely honest with myself and those around me, I have to be openminded to listen to what others tell me without judging what they are saying and I have to be willing to put the advise given to me into place where I need to.

Now I know that my way isn't for everyone. But it is the way which has helped me and the only advise I can give because it is what I have experienced. And I can only speak from my experiences and maybe, just maybe, somebody else can identify with some of it and it may help them.

I wish you well on you road and hope you will find your way of recovery.

God Bless

Charly

I actually wouldnt agree compulsive gambling is a recognised illness,i believe the jurys still out on that one so my take on it is the answer (whatever that proves to be) didnt and doesnt help me so move on.

I think as long as your happy with your progress then thats fine,i hope me being blunt affects you in a positive way and based on your reply i think it has.

Wanting to gamble is not a bad thing,you've just got to want to NOT gamble more,thats it!!!!.

Success to you in 2009,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

All these posts are sent with the best of intentions. I was on here before I got serious about recovery (I thought I was). Michelle asked me when I was going to get serious and stop going round in circles. I was livid and was going to complain to Gamcare or anyone that would sympathise with me and condone my way of pathetically trying to give up. When I thought about it I realised Michelle was spot on and I have not looked back since. I have self excluded, started attending counselling the following week and keep posting on here. This really is your time to stand up and be counted and get real with yourself.

Take care matey and remember to take it one day at a time.

Best regards

Steve E

Hi awayout,

Its a d**n tough addiction to get to grips with am sure everyone would agree with that. For me I find the debate about whether its a mental illness or not a mental illness an academic debate. For what its worth I think my compulsive gambling was a reaction to my life.. an all consuming reaction and response to all thoughts, feelings and problems.

I also gambled every day and now i dont gamble at all but getting to this point I followed a long a tortuous road. Keep working your recovery as best you can Awayout.. it doesnt matter how many set backs and false starts any of us may have.. its the resolve and determination to want to stay away from that next bet that really matters. All the best.. S.A

Thanks Everyone for their comments.

I think I have to go a real good length of time without gamblin to see how good life is without it and smell the roses.

I dont know why I went out and blue some of my bill money on the FOBT roulette on Saturday. Have not been there for ages and felt so dumb.

I had virtually no wins spin after spin £20 note after £20 and it felt so pointless no fix whatsoever was gained.

Must stay off completely it's the only way. Made the mistake of making excuses to borrow my card for spends I am obviously not ready for financial independence again yet....

Now will have to find £147 for bills by mid month a bit sickening. Then another £100 by end of the month. probably will end up bank of mum I am ashamed to say....

Looks like everyone was right to I actually want to recover???? I still think I can make money from gambling. So many times gambling has produced the goods only to take them all away and more another day in a scarily short space of time....

Thanks for listening. Have a great New Year 2009

Hi awayout,

I know that I had an incredibly tough time in fully accepting that I was an addicted gambler... that i could not control my gambling.. and that the cause of alot of my problems in life (not just financial) were a direct consequence of my gambling. The only solution for me was to stop completely. You remind me of the tough times that I went through and may if i stop working my recovery.. return to. In time I am sure you will find your way forward. All the best.. S.A