Need to start all over!

OK I have to be straight I am still a gambling addict...

Over the weekend and Friday I lost another £140.00 roulette in bookmkaers once more.

OK a lesser amount that I could have spent but still gambling....

No excuses I am still an addict. I know I am probably going to be blazened as stupid, for not banning myself from the bookies.

The truth is however if the urges take over there will always be somewhere to gamble.

Hopefully I can get over this.

Please don't be too harsh I know I could have put the blocks in place. The memories of how bad a relapse always seem to go out the window when the gambling urges appear....

Awayout

Hi Awayout

re - read your diary from start to finish. See if you can spot a common denominator and then reply to your diary yourself.

Everything that has to be said has been said.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Awayout. Nothing we can say will make you feel better as we will always kick ourselves again and again for letting those urges get the better of us.

However, if you at least put those exclusions in place at the bookies locally it does take some of the "easy" temptation away and may give you some time to reflect before finding those other places you say you can get access to.

At the end of the day the only loser is ourselves I'm afraid. As it is our bank accounts, our self esteem which suffers and the only winner will be the bookie. As has been said on here many a time, you dont see a poor bookie.

Please carry on posting and we can all try to keep each others self will going to stop once and for all.

Ask yourself is this self destructive roller coaster worth it? I know I have got to the stage where I cannot cope with the grief it causes me. And days like today I am glad I havent gambled and have nothng to reproach myself for. You have done it before so keep on until one day gambling will fade that it wont seem so important anymore.

Good luck Min x

Hello,

I see your not doing well at all. Maybe you have to accept that you cant live without gambling but maybe do very small bets?

Like an alcoholic changing from wine to beer?

just an idea.

Pauly

Hi Awayout,

You are a gambling addict and always will be in my opinion.. but it can be arrested "one day at a time"

As has been suggested.. read your diary... read your own thoughts... use them to make a determined choice "not to gamble anymore" Take care.. S.A

Thanks SA for taking an interest in my recovery it does help,

Yes I think you are absolutely right I think I am one of those people who will always have 'the addiction' in me. Which is proven when I have continued to gamble despite it making my life hell.

The only thing I can do is try and arrest the disease. The only time things have got better is when I cut all types of gambling out, including lottery etc. Wins only encourage more gambling and further losses.

Losses conversely lead to me thinking I need to win more money back and the cycle goes on like all binge cgs.

I read a post on here the other day about a chap who had the same 'binge compulsove gambling' disorder. Someone who can go a while 'being sensible' then finding themselves losing a ton in one session.

I am mid 30s I need to start about getting a decent job and pension not thoinking about gambling and giving my small amount of hard earnt cash to the gambling industry.

They have had enough already...

Awayout

Hi awayout,

I will always follow your diary with much interest.. because i see much of your life situation in myself. I am of a similar age and facing alot of the pressures that you seem to feel... ie what I am going to be doing for the second half of my working life? What is my provision for my old age? Do I want, will I have children? In fact will i meet that special person at all? Do I actually care about these things or is it just a product of my upbringing or society???????

My problem is that I allow myself to dwell and fester on these issues and then more time passes and I don't seem to resolve anything or do anything about resolving these issues. BUT and this is the important point. Now that I am not gambling and now that I havent gambled for sometime I DO now have choices and options.. where as b4 I had no choice I had no options.. gambling was my only option.

For me, gambling only enhances the anxieties and tough decisions that we all face in life. Gambling for me is simply a way to avoid having to facing my reality and live my life.

I just want to add this as well though. I will never come along with a pointy finger if you gamble again.. because i know how e***n tough it is not to say.. "o b*****ks to this" and go off to gambling. We are all but the same distance away from that next bet.

Keep writing Awayout. It does help to reflect on ones own thoughts.. whether its in your own diary or elsewhere. when I am writing my thoughts to you I am also talking to myself (in a non mad way of course! lol) Take care.. S.A 🙂

Hi (SA talks a lot of sense) Hope you can find a way forward. No gambling has to be the way as you have found, even small betting leads us back. Many a time I have been in control and quite cocky about that fact too!!! have had some good wins and confident I wont put it back in the machines or online. Well lesson then gets learnt the hard way....will put back what I win and lots more until no more access to cash or cards. Feeling of sickness, anxiety all return.

So know one big thing out of all this recovery stuff and that is have to learn Never to get complacent and never think I can have even that one little go.

Stay strong and take care. Min x

Thanks Min and SA

Yesterday I looked through some old bank statements just a year ago and see I had a big win enough to clear my overdrafts at least. Well here I am still in debt in both overdrafts.

The only time I have had money is in periods of hard work and not gambling. Gambling money is hardly 'warm' in my fingers before it goes back to them and more....

I paid off a small bit off the debt recently from selling on auction site from years of collecting stuff. Again the debt was paid off with work dedication to collecting and not gambling...

I know it is common for us compuslive gambling addicts to sell off prized items. Yes I admit selling a nice collection I had to pay for more gambling. Makes you feel sick afterwards.

Anyone else here relate to selling off previously prized possessions to fund gambling as well selling off all assets and getting in debt???

My assets went first (1000s) then it startted to be things... Now hardly anything decent left to flog...

Probably more relevant to the lower paid people, but I suppose anyone rich or poor can reach desperate straits from gambling addiction....

Anyway we are already in May nearly half way through the year quite scary how time flies!

Although some slow debt progress has been made I am still gambling now and again and whilst more restrained it is not sensible in my situation having already blown my life savings, and now 23k in debt...

How I got here is mindblowing..

I suppose that is why I do not really want to dig too much into my past by going over my diary and all my relapses. All I can say is I have to change.

Awayout

Hi Awayout, yes can relate to selling items with the goal to pay off debts but yes it ended up on gambling. Sold some gold rings and necklace. Convinced myself didnt like them and felt a bit ashamed going into a jewellers (made excuse they were my daughters who didnt like gold only silver how pathetic is that?)

Also have done well on e bay at times selling and that has bailed me out a few times. But like you say I am roughly same in debt 23k so if anyone tries to justify gambling let them see our bank statements!!!!

Glad to read you are staying strong. Take care Min x

Hello Awayout

Pauly

Good news have not been in the bookmakers since the bookmakers since last posting my relapse.

Bad news found one casino online I could join. I managed to win a bit but all 'the profit' gone in about 2 hour once the few hundred hit my account. Now just about £35 left of my xxxx overdraft. Have asked to self-exclude and got a silly reply saying 'we are sad to see you go please can you give a reason why.....'

Have no money to spend but for some reason cannot get myself to self exclude. I really wish they had self excluded the first time of my request...

Why am I doing this to myself??? Once I get paid I will install gamblock/similar again.

I have not stuck to my plan my debts will never go down and I will never see my debt caused by gambling unless I can nip this is the bud...

I know I am going to get inidated with people saying why am I being so stupid..

I cannot answer - the addiction is still winning. Yes I am not gambling everyday but I cannot afford to gamble and it will come to a head unless I do something now!!!

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Am at work unable to write a more well thought out reply but betfilter.com is FREE for 8 days... install it now??

Regards.. S.A 🙂

hi

i dont think you are stupid,and nobody should come on to your diary and call you stupid.at some point or another almost everyone on here as done something simalar.we are all here because we do these things.of course we dont want to,we would love for our minds to tell us not to gamble money we cant afford to lose,but we are not happy until we do so,then its back to the harsh reality of the real world.some people use tools to help,self exclusion,online blocking software etc etc,some dont.its down to the individual.try to learn something from ur latest relaspe,remember how low it makes you feel,how you wish u hadnt done it,and if you feel the need to bet again sometime soon,remember them thoughts.dont give in and one day,enough will be enough for you awayout!!

neil

Stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself honestly.

DO I WANT TO STOP THIS MADNESS?

Do not reply to this post but keep the answer in your mind when next posting!!

Regards

Steve E