Need to start all over!

I can at least say I have not been in a bookies for a week but I have done that online thing..

Get paid next Saturday and that will be a real test. But no access to cards etc.

One thing my overall large debt (for me) is slowly going down. It is a but depressing seeing what I have done to myself.

But keeping track of the figures helps me see what a total fool I have been getting into gambling so deep. I now take full responsibility and will try to control the addiction not the other way round. So many times in my life I have tried to make excuses.

1) It was me who chose to start gambling. No one made me.

2) There was a time I could have stopped limiting the damage to finances etc but I chose to gamble and chase losses becoming more addicted in the cycle of gambling.

3) I now choose to stay out of the bookmakers and ban myself when I get paid. I will also install gamblock or similar again.

4) I choose not to gamble as gambling has lowered my self worth. I have lost 20k in savings and now a similar amount in the red all because I thought I could 'win back' a 1000 I lost on shares or some stupid thought like that.....

5) I want the sensible logical me back. The lad who was a careful saver for a 'rainy day' who was saving for a better future.

6) I do not have any property, car, savings and a less bright future all because of gambling.... wish I had never began. I cannot change the past but can change now and make a better future, paying off debts, budgeting. Some dreams coming true through hard work etc not GAMBLING

I am having a lot less gambling thoughts but still like many others here are recovering in the aftermath of gambling devastation.

I will admit gambling has interfered with my working life. Depressing/worried thoughts affecting my concentration. I am well educated doing a basic part time job but even that has suffered with silly errors.

I am fortunate I have not lost my job as that is the only small thing that is going for me. I can at least slowly chip away from my 22k debt. I estimate 8 and a half years.

How I am ever going to have any property/decent pension etc I do not know. Gambling has taken what little I have. As a man it is quite depressing I feel it has also stopped me finding relationships as I feel so down on myself.

I pray I can get over this and have some enjoyment in life and have some trappigs of success like so many career people have.

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Please, please, please move out of victim mode and into survivor mode. It will help you no end. You are not a victim you chose to gamble. Start surviving.

Steve E

Hi Awayout

I know many people will disagree with this but I honestly think that bankruptcy or a similar sort of radical action with your debts will give YOU the oppurtunity for a fresh start. However i will add that i dont think its a good idea for all CG's with overwhelming debts.. Ive known of some Cg's who have gone bankrupt because they simply wanted to evade responsibility or are to busy blaming others or the industry for their gambling. For them it does become that quick fix... only to then return to gambling and renewed debt.

However for you i see a man beating himself up on a daily basis just as i did. Your personality reminds me very much of my own. I was firmly in the camp of "poor little old me" (victim mode)for much of my life and still drift back to that way of thinking from time to time.

When i had enormous debts weighing me down I continued to pschologically chastise myself on a daily basis. I could seemingly never get beyond the money aspect and thinking about the debt. I was in a constant state of stress. It wasnt until I was free of the debts that I was able to start looking a little deeper at myself and my character and start working on the issues that i needed to work on. Since I went bankrupt several years ago I have been almost completely gambling free.

Obviously this is a very personal opinion but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. kind regards.. S.A 🙂

Hi guys just to say thanks for support.

I would not mind going bankrupt but I am concerned as I am having problems holding fort at work as regards keeping in the managers good books.

I dont go on that well with 50% of the staff and I do not think going bankrupt and them finding out or the public as I deal witht hem would make things any easier.

They would know at work as your wage slip gets altered as regards tax etc if you go bankrupt. I already live with the constant 'nagging' of someone telling me I should be like their son in a better job looking for other jobs.

Them knowing I was penniless and banrupt or even the public I serve would be so embarassing. However, if I were to lose my job if things keep going as they are I might well go bankrupt as I would not give a d**n.

Also if I just left my crappy job I would not be able to claim aby benefits for a long time so I am told.

I do feel that I am working in a crappy job with all my money going on bills and paying off the debt slowly.

Also i am sharing with a parent and their partner (not my dad). Already he has not approved of my gambling if I went bankrupt or knew of the extent of the debt I would either be out on my ear or ruin their relationship which I do not want.

One option I thought was trying to get some of the debt reduced from the bank as they forced (strongly encouraged) me to go into a consolidation loan when I missed one small payment on a £1k loan and they drew my overdraft in and put this together with another loan DOUBLING MY DEBT...

I need to find where I stand on this though...

It is true the debt is on my mind and on occasions I am feeling depressed. Some days all I want to do is go to sleep instead of getting up and doing things...

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I have just spent the last hour and a half reading through your entire diary.

I am not going to preach to you, nor attack you, nor tell you what to do. I will tell you what I read in your last 6 months or so and how it relates to my story.

I will firstly say that I believe that you are constantly refering to your debt situation in your posts, yet despite much advice given by others to you, you continue to carry them round your neck like a millstone, and time again they drag you down and back to your starting point. You must try and unburden yourself of the guilt and the past.

I am one of those that SA refered to. I have been through a "bogus" IVA (a con that cost me dearly) which led to bankruptcy. After the bankruptcy, a clean slate, I returned to gambling and racked up another substantial debt. I then managed to stay clear for about a year, before relapsing again to the point where I found myself tens of thousands in debt again.

I found this site a little over 5 weeks ago, and have been in recovery since.

I agree with SA that bankruptcy may be your best option, it may bring about your best chance of finding the peace of mind that is stoping you from having a real chance of recovery. In my experience, there was very little "stigma" or problems with being a bankrupt, other than credit after bankruptcy is virtually impossible for a long, long time. The problems I experienced were far, far lighter than the problems I faced gambling.

A point you make from time to time, that you are an addicted gambler and it will never change. You are correct. We ALL are on here. We are here because we want to control the addiction. There is no magic cure for any of us. We are the only ones who can do anything about it. If we chose not to gamble, one day at a time, we are recovering, controlling and supressing the urges. We are not cured, tomorrow, we will do the same, choose not to gamble and so on.

You have shown a reluctance towards self-exclusion. This is a barrier, again it is not a cure. It gives us time to reconsider, do we really want to do that? To gamble? To undo the work we have been doing for ourselves?

Without the barriers, we fall off the edge time and time again. It's a must if we seriously want to arrest the gambling.

The barriers that you have put in place up to this point have been "movable". Your parent keeping the bank card does not work if you are periodically allowed access to undo weeks of work in a few minutes.

Do you really want to stop gambling? This is a question I could not answer for years, because the real answer was no! I detect in your posts, that this is a point at which you appear to find yourself in. Truth is, none of us will not stop until we have had enough, until our heart tells us that we have to stop. I feel you are close to this point, but you have to reach out and grab this, to see what it is doing to you and those around you. I really want you to find this point, to seek it out and to hold onto it.

The barriers we put in place are our only defenses. I can look back at my various phases over the years, and see the error of my ways clearly and see that it was not a whole hearted effort. I had not put in enough work for it to stop, too many doors had been left open.

My recovery this time is different as no stones have been left unturned. This is something you must take a long hard look at.

I apologise for the essay, but having read through your entire diary I felt that I must comment. Have so much more I could write, but time marches on.

I wish you every success in your battle, it is a battle we are all fighting, and a battle that can be won, you just need to arm yourself with the right weapons.

Weldy

Hi I too built up debts. Since joined a debt management CCC government charity which doesnt take any charges (they make their money to keep themselves going by me paying on the 1st of every month and then they pay creditors on the 25th accrueing interest which keeps them going) Have to say they never judge on the phone, completely helpful. Do have to rely on the creditors stopping interest so will probably take about 6 yrs to be clear.

Noone at work has a clue, nothing effects my wage slip and they allow for daily living, running a car, even smoking! so if debt is making you depressed and interferring with your recovery, it may be worth looking at other avenues.

A family member has made him and his wife bankrupt, it cost £1000 and 10 weeks for it to go through. And as long as we realise this is not a solution for us to start gambling again once our debts are cleared, these options are open to you to start again.

Only you can decide how best you can cope. All the best Min x

Thanks all for support

It is really a scary prospect that 20 years down the line I might still be doing it and an old man with nothing to enjoy.

I dont want to become like that

Awayout

SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

How many times can somebody be told!!

Oo...Stevey are you ok, you know that he's coming from a place pf gambler at the moment, he's being honest, i understand that it gets frustrating to hear ppl make the same mistakes over and over but that what CG's are like, we have to be on brink of death before we snap out of it. I think we are the lucky ones here at this site, i know ppl that have gone to jail because they were comitting crimes to fund there gambling. It has gotten really bad for most of us here and can and will get worse. Keep thinkinmg good thoughts and remain positive, Good luck stay strong, if you fall, pick yourself up and begin again.

For me its finding the courage to make the changes that I know will help my recovery.. its not easy.. but then whoever said life was easy?? .. Take good care Awayout.. S.A 🙂

I know I keep making the same mistakes but some things have got better.

Stevey I know you mean well may be you are over your addiction. I will perhaps read some of your diary.

If you are just going to be frustrated by reading mine then don't.

The whole point of my diary is to chart my personal journey. It does not matter 'what other people think'.

I am at a place only I know. I feel I need to bare the truth when I slip up.

In fact I lost £25 yesterday when I cashed in a cheque, that felt gutting and painful.

I know what you are going to say 'I told you so'.

Some people have the addiction here much worse than others. I am not in there everyday (bookies) like I was before.

Small improvements have been made

Awayout

If you are happy with where you are why do you come on here and vent off anger. I don't get where you are at!

I can only thank you kindly for your honesty at your slips. They make me realise where I don't want to be.

Regards

Steve E

PS It is not meant to be personal I want you to get to where you want to be

Hi Awayout,

Been reading through your diary.

I've been gambling for what seems forever and decided to put a stop to it 5 weeks ago. I have to block thoughts of what I have lost and what a mess I have made and look to the future. There is a future for you I'm sure. You mentioned it will take you 8+ years to pay off debts, don't look at it in years take it a month at a time, slowly chip away at it and feel satifaction that you aren't making it any worse.

I think when I started my diary I really did want to recover. I feel you do too or else you wouldn't be on here. You will find your way......YOUR way out.

All the best.....Jas x

Awayout, i understand debt inccured by gambling activities, i had $25000 of credit card debt when i decided to stop. That was three years ago, i now have $8000 of that debt left to pay. I found that most of the debt collecting agencies i have contacted about paying off the debt were willing to take a payout figure that is smaller than to debt itself,, my last debt i paid was $2500, the agency allowed a payout figure of $2000. So in a small way i am getting back some of my lose. URF!!! i have to stop thinking like that, even after all this time i still find myself doing that. I just have to take 1 debt at a time. I still have problems with collectors ringing and sending threatening letters and i have made a resolve to deal with them this week. YUK YUK! I think every recovery is personal and none are the same. Its your recovery, do it the way that makes it work for you. Just keep in mind that theres so much gr8 advice here and the strategies that ppl talk about here are worth trying. Good luck.

Hi Awayout, you will see from my title I do not want to be a gambling pensioner! so know where your coming from.

It is about a day at a time afterall and some days we are not in the right place. All sensibility flies out of the window and we forget everything and every horrible emotion, that made us want to stop gambling.

I will say I havent found a way around the gambling on a smaller basis and it working. I found when we enter an gambling environment we think we are strong enough but that is part and parcel of this bloody gambling lark, it is a clever little devil who knows what buttons to push so the adrenaline kicks in and we are lost.

All you can do is put barriers in place to help you along on the "weak" days. Take care Min x