Need to start all over!

Thanks for all your support you cheered me up especially Neil.

It is easy to shove your head in the sand when you have a bad relapse. But I need to get myself on track again.

I was making headway financially and emotionally and am back to where I was on paper in April.

I think the total abstinence is really the only way forward for me. I remember once a few years ago I won £450 on one of the lotto games. I spent it on more gambling a couple days later. What is the point???

The latest disaster I went over my overdraft as the card let me have more than the amount going in. I wasted nearly £2000. Yes most of it came from teh gambling in the last couple weeks. But as usual I spent some of my own money in the end about £300 and whats worse I have had £500 of my mum's money to keep me under the overdraft limit.

I don't know why the gambling started again or why somehow I thought I could control it and keep any winnings. I think I am what is termed a binge cg. I can go a few weeks without any serious gambling then in a space of a couple hours go on a big binge ruining all progreess made.

I am not going to record each day number as it just makes me feel my progress is slow. I am just going to change my habits so gambling is no longer part of my life.

I am quite shocked I am writing that but that is how I feel. My first target is 6 months (til the end of the year).

I know temptations will come but I have had enuff.

Awayout

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Thanks Rob for taking the time to respond. This time I do not want to fail.

A couple things my mother has said recently have really hit home as to why I can never gamble again:

She said ahe was speaking to my Auntie and that she could day she was feeling low and she could not tell her. (though she knew about my problem before)

Also that the money she has bailed me out with was but aside for emergency bills etc and soon there wont be enough to bury her with. That really makes me feel so guilty and ashamed and a bit tearful....

I can understand her feeling low and hearing it from her own lips is a real wake up call. Sure I feel low too and I said that but I never really wanted her to be brought into the world of my addiction. But because of the money it has happpened.

I feel like some kind of leech. I have changed from someone who was able to be generous and save money to someone who is basically living in their overdrafts and off their parent...shameful really...

I have really tried to get a better job I am 35 and it just seems to be tough at the moment.

I know people will say pick yourself up but this is just my feelings for the day after my mum mentioned she has been feeling low and her sister noticed it.

I feel like such an a******e for putting her through this and doing this to myself again..

I must beat myself up a bit as this is what the disease deserves and I want to remind myself of what the addiction leads to: more gambling and destruction of oneself and others.

I know if I can stay off the gambling this time and concentrate on earning some more money and paying her back I think I can bare to live with myself....

Awayout

The gambling has no boundaries, no shame. The hell i put my mum through is irreversible. She used to lend me £20 here, £20 there as she thought she was helping me. She was a home help and didnt even earn that in a day. Did i care? Not a jot, because this addiction overides normal feelings, the normal love we feel for our parents, the normal emotios people feel when they see sadness in their parents faces.

Ill be honest. I still struggle to see my parents because im ashamed of what i was and what i did to them even though ive been clean for 20 months. The damage we do to ourselves is enormous, thats why i always say that giving up gambling is often the easy part. Changing ourselves and the way we do things is the real struggle and that is what recovery is really about.

The fact that you are starting to feel the guilt, the pain of your actions i believe is a positive sign. Whatever happens from now on it is a step in the right direction and a positivity that is in your heart right now.

I see a lot of me a few years back in you. Despite what anyone tells you, deep inside you are a good person, a person who loves their parents like any other, but one who has been in the grip of one of the most destructive addictions one can have.

I know you have targeted 6 months and say 2-3 weeks is no good. I understand that feeling. Like breaking a leg, in 2-3 weeks not a lot happens but in 6 months you start to see the results, the strength starts to come back. The two go hand in hand.

The problem i had was looking too far ahead and wondering how the hell i was going to get there. Amazingly, after the first few weeks, the days fly, the weeks seem like days because of the growing strength and the way i did things changed so much.

Sorry for rambling..............i wish you well and will follow your progress with interest. Never give up giving up, the prize is worth it.

Regards

Keith

hi awayout,

Thanks for the post, i haven't read all your diary yet but do keep an eye on your progress, and it is progress, your here and want to quit its a big thing, OK for 6 months i haven't gambled apart from one small slip, but for over 20 years i lived life stealing, lying and gambling, i had very little care for myself, money, my family, and even my young daughter, although i loved them all my addiction came first. I can only see that now, i have gambled on everything although fruit machines were my thing you name it i have had a bet on it.

So my advice is Keep going, for me it was the tears in my eyes the day i stopped, for you it could be the things your mum said, i am ashamed to say i needed to cry and see the pain i was causing to everyone before i could see the truth, gambling was destroying me, my family, my friendships,.....but it will not destroy my relationship with my daughter and that is for certain. Keep going my friend never give up on giving up, whatever life you want can be yours, after all we are only 35 maybe at the mid-point in our lives, i don't want to be here in five years and I'm sure neither do you, So forget the past it's gone.

The future is yours Awayout let it belong to you not your addiction.

all the best in your recovery I'm with you 100% good or bad that's recovery i guess.

green x

Thanks for your support Green and everyone else.

You are right I don't want to be like this is five years.

OK I cannot change the past but I can make my life and those clsoe to me more tolerable.

I cannot believe I have gambled money rather than hand it over for bills as usual this time. I saw the point when the money was going to make a difference to my life if I lost but I kept going. No win was enough as I just wanted to get the cash flow back in my bank.

What has really changed me is that yes I might be half way through my life but my parent is further on in their life and I am ruining their 'golden years'. I can never really forgive myself for the damage I have already done stresswise to them as trhey are worried about me as well as the money I have had.

I can only but change that is the only thing I can do.

Feeling a bit down today as the seriousness of the relapse sinks in but I know things can get better again.

Awayout

Feeling a bit more upbeat today. No chance of being able to gamble - no funds.

Has made me realise having a debit card is dangerous as they let you go over your overdraft online on occasions.

Nice weather enjoying my day 5 gamble free

Awayout

Hi Awayout.

It sounds like now you may have had enough of the consequnces of your gambling. If this is the case do whatever you have to do to help yourself stop gambling and stay stopped.

It will not be easy but as with you I want the second half of my life to be a dam site better than the first. I am tired of self-abuse and self-destruct. Today I choose not to gamble. Tomorrow I will make the same commitment. All the best to you Awayout.. S.A

Well said SA. I have really had enough. Other times the thought has worn off but not now. I will keep posting and readin here.

Also age wise I am the same I had up to 16 without gambling then 16/17-35 gambling and getting into trouble with it. I want whatever I have left without roulette addiction and gambling in general.

Also it is imperative as my mum/ older relatives are senior citizens and I don't want to spoil their quality of life with my d**n addiction... that is going to hurt for ever if I carry on and know I did that to them.

The only one worrying me is the lotto it is everywhere you turn and you can hardly ban yourself from that....

Other times before I have bought one scratchcard or ticket then found myself wanting for more.... I suppose the only way is not carrying cash...

Hi Awayout,

I have been reading your diary since I first came on here on 3rd March. I think we have exchanged the odd posts in the past.

Most (if not all ) of us on here have lapsed at sometime , and most of us when relapsing have done much more money in than we thought we were capable of.

I know your head must be pounding at the moment so I am just gonna say 4 small sentences.

Self Exclude (essential) and easy to do , just takes a bit of guts.

Betfilter on (essential) and easy to do.

GA ( ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL - I know the logistics are tough but when relapsing you must put all efforts in to attending )

And finally should you ever get near to a bet Think of your Mum!!!

Cheers , Good Luck and hope you feel a bit stronger today. Day at a time mate

Yes Mancity,

You are right my head is pounding at the moment. No spare cash till end of the month and even then I owe loads because of the recent failure.

Makes it worse I think I did the same around last year and nearly around mums birthday time again. Thats what hurts the most.

Probably would not have been buying a big pressie but cannot even afford a tenner..

Next year must be different you only get so many chances in life... Life is short.

I have been dreaming of that ultimate win too long and the years have passed by.

Now it is time to face up to reality...

I did not sleep well last night slept with light on till 4am. Looked in the mirror I looked like an old man with bags under my eyes.

I have always been complimented how young I look for age well this is taken its toll. I must stop

Thanks for support. I am busy this week so should keep my mind of the 'negative thoughts'

Awayout

Yes Mancity,

You are right my head is pounding at the moment. No spare cash till end of the month and even then I owe loads because of the recent failure.

Makes it worse I think I did the same around last year and nearly around mums birthday time again. Thats what hurts the most.

Probably would not have been buying a big pressie but cannot even afford a tenner..

Next year must be different you only get so many chances in life... Life is short.

I have been dreaming of that ultimate win too long and the years have passed by.

Now it is time to face up to reality...

I did not sleep well last night slept with light on till 4am. Looked in the mirror I looked like an old man with bags under my eyes.

I have always been complimented how young I look for age well this is taken its toll. I must stop

Thanks for support. I am busy this week so should keep my mind of the 'negative thoughts'

Awayout

Just reporting 8 days without so much as a flutter.

Yesterday was tough as the lotto kept being a tempter.

I resisted with no cash on me. I did find myself checking my old numbers, three that I do for hotpicks were very close. I sort of breathed they had not come up.

It is almost like a little finger saying 'come on' when the numbers are similar.

I must stop even looking. I don't want to get on the gambling bandwagon again and even the lotto could start me off again.

It is everywhere sure I dont have loads to gamble with (in debt) but it is so tempting to part with that pound as millions do everyweek...

I still have a mind of a if I let it surface. I once had a £100 on me I was going to buy 100 hotpicks of the numbers I do everyweek normally 1-2 £. I was on my hols so had time free would never normally spend that much...

For some reason I said no I wont do it this time to try and cut back I had been doing those numbers for months. I walked past the shops selling lotto twice.

Guess what low and behold the numbers came up in the evening. It keeps running through my head that would have been enough to pay off all the debt and what I had in savings.... so close etc...

It is those kinds of events that just encourage more gambling and depression to a gambler.

I am sure we all have those gambling stories to tell the one that got away etc...

Of course if I had never started gambling in the first place could have probably had a nice house /car by now instead of debt debt debt.

Must change my whole mentality.

Hope everyone else is staying off. I know the 'poor me' scenario' is no good.

I am quite sensitive to criticism at the moment in my daily life even socially. But I think people pick up on it when you come across as a bit down and you become a victim if you are not careful.

Just my thoughts. Glad I stayed off the £1 lotto though

Awayout

Hi there Awayout,

Good to see you are back on the road again....the straight and narrow one...well done.

In your posts you seem to refer to "what if" quite a lot. I would suggest trying to replace these thoughts with "actually what will happen". I've got loads of stories about big wins, massive wins even but these pale into the distance when comparing them to my losses. Winning is not the answer, stopping is the answer. It's the only WAYOUT.

Keep going, keep strong.

Jas x

Hi Awayout,

hope your good, nice one for the recent spell of not gambling, i foooked up the other day, not huge but a f***k up non the less, just shows how hard it is to quit and stay quit, I am however determined in my mind to keep going, I feel low at the moment even shed a few tears today after the f***k up and i know what its like to feel s**t i remember it well, keep focused awayout that big win never comes mate, you know that i know that and the thousands here are living proof.

I too can be sensitive to criticism, think it's part of the poor me syndrome, I'm finding so much out about myself through this journey, what Set's me off, why i get down, why i feel sorry for myself. The thing is it's only us who can make the change in the end.

keep going awayout, keep focused, we will do it !

green x