Need to start all over!

Great post, Awayout, and you seem to be thinking all the right things.

Just remember...

* You CANNOT afford to gamble another single penny!

* You simply MUST think about paying off those debts.

* You must NOT even think about chasing those losses.

The past is in the past and you cannot do anything about it.

What you can do plenty about is the future. Have a long term plan in mind, think about where you would like to be at the end of this year and keep making ALL the right choices.

Each day that you don't gamble is another day of reducing your debts. It is a long journey but it is also one that you will succeed in.

Stay very positive, you are doing great with your 8 days.

GT

Thanks for all your support.

Where did I get that £900 for the pre-Christmas relapse? It was from credit card. I had began to pay of some debt in 2011/also digging deeper into my overdraft which now stands at £4800. How someone in my position earning less than 10K/Annum was able to get those overdrafts baffles me also.

That is how someone penniless and on a part time wage is able to have such a relatively large gambling relapse.

I am penniless because on paper I have only debts and no money to my name. Everything I earn is going to paying off my debts as I noted earlier in my diary.

My consolidation loan of 2007 has made me more in debt as the £9000 I owed the banks was effectively doubled by a 10 year repayment plan with 10k in interest total £19999 to pay off..

I don't blame the banks as my gambling got me in this predicament. But we would all admit they were lending out far too much to people in the 80s/90s/early 2000s. To people who could ill afford it with little income like me.

I feel sick when I try and put down on paper my losses and 'what could have been done' with that money. I know dwelling on the past does not help me though.

I did almost pay off my overdraft of £4.8k from hard work but some from gambling, and we all know where that leads chasing losses..

I was almost out then began spending recklessly, and relapsing just recently so at the 4.8k mark again...

I think I have one of those personalities where just as things seem better I go off the wagon. A friend told me she heard someone say that if you are depressed you cannot manage your finances - I suppose that can true of me...

To pay off my immediate debt of overdrafts and credit cards I think will be at least 2 years if I don't gamble as on a low wage..

But as you say GT I cannot afford to gamble one penny.

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Remember nothing changes if nothing changes!

Why have you not self excluded to date?

Take care

I have excluded from everything online (have blcoking software) and local bookies except one which recently opened and I have bet in in another town and once in my home town.

You are quite correct though Smiler had I already excluded from this one bookmakers earlier on none of the years relapses would have happened. Gambling for me is like having a needle in my arm.

My thinking was that I could control my gambling enough with only one bookmaker gambling occasionally in another town - but it has not worked out that way.

I need to pop in and sign the forms etc and I have the necessary photos. Plan to do it when I have time at the weekend!

Anyway no gambling at all for the whole of this year so far.

I have a financial plan where if I earn myself just £10 a day extra I will pay off all my immediate debt (2 overdrafts and 2 credit cards) by the end of the year. Something to work towards and concentrate my mind on..

Still will have the large consolidation loan but the immediate debt has been what has been bugging me for the last few years..

Awayout.

Hi MAtey

Try not to concentrate on the fact that your debts are connected to your gambling and when you eradicate the debt you eradicate the gambling. The debts are yours and part of you. It's just a case of accepting them in your everyday life. It's hard not to resent the loans, overdrafts etc but it is a fact of life that they are yours so you ned to own them and work with them. It might just make you feel better about life. Take care and get those road blocks in place!

And the thing is if you eradicate the debt it still doesn't eradicate the gambling. I should know becuase i use to have debts similar to what you descibe and then i went bankrupt and several years later am still struggling to stay stopped.

Smiler gives wise advice. Try not to focus on your debts and the actual amounts owed.. just accept them as part of you and manage them. I know its not easy. Keep working at it mate.. S.A 🙂

Am still doing well. Last gamble was 30.12.11

I took the step of self-excluding from the bookies I had left in that other town and locally. This had cost me a pretty penny in the past. Well that loophole was closed on 14.1.11 (sat)

Did not like the way the staff member said after said I wanted to self exclude 'You do realise that you wiill no be able to gamble on anything' for x years?. Well I continued 'I wanted to exclude'. I don't think they should try and 'tempt' you to stay in any shape of form if you say you want exclusion. But I suppose they have to make it black and white.

Anyway here is to one month gamble free in January if I keep it up!

I KNOW I CAN DO IT!

Awayout

Don't know why negative thoughts about Saturday coming into my head. I guess I am feeling apprehensive about it being a Saturday again.

I am trying to keep myself busy. Just checking in here for myself. Went to bed a funny time (too early) just intended a nap and woke up early hours - hate it when that happens.

I think some of it is work as I was covering someone else who has depression on 'their job' when normally we would be job sharing. The boss said we had to be 'kind' to this person not realising I was suffering just as much doing extra hours in this mind numbingly boring and frustrating job. Dealing with the public whereas this other person was doing a quarter of the time I was in this job.

People with depression at work can be so effing selfish. They have been diagnosed and the bosses are scared they are going to be off again if they don't get their way at work. Forgetting in the process 'normal people' have massive lows too and their own problems. Working with such people has affected my own mental health certainly, as I have taken on extra stress from them nagging me and doing more of the jobs these people dont want to do.

I have kind of sickly feeling today in my stomach. Maybe just something I have eaten but I think it is what is going in my head too. I never was that good at tackling my feelings and problems and just recently I have made futher efforts to see where my gambling stems from etc. I think though over analysing things does not help myself.

Like a fair number of people I am stuck in corner in a job and situation I loathe - much of this has come from the gambling and the debt etc . The reason I cannot get out. This is one great incentive for not turning back gambling as the debt will go slowly down.

I must remember I am doing so well, one day at a time. No bets since 30/12/11. Feel almost like a new person and tackle things better

Awayout

Hi Awayout...

Glad to hear that your tackling things better. As far as work goes atleast if your doing a few extra hours then you will get a bit of extra pay? And even when its mind numbingly boring your still getting paid. I'd prefer quiet times at work rather than forever waiting for the next installment of challenging behaviour to deal with.

Having said that Iv'e decided to work more hours that ive been offered. Am just in the process of growing a thicker skin.

Well done for keeping the gambling away. You know that your debts will slowly decrease when you don't gamble. Anyway thanks for your support mate.. S.A

Today is Monday, just checking in to make myself concentrate on my recovery.

Feeling upbeat today not far off a month without a gamble! There was a stage I thought I could not even manage a week.

I have everything to lose if I gamble and everything to gain if I continue my current 'normal' way of life.

I realise that the dangers of problem gambling are always going to be there and I must stop if my life is going to change. When you stop for a good period your head gets so much clearer and you realise how blind you have been 'denying the problem' and continuing the vicious cycle of self destruction.

I have been doing extra hours so I am busy and it helps a bit with the debt too. I am on a low minimum wage but count my blessings as I have my mum's roof over my head and pay what I can.

I realise that I have been living in cuckoo land and using my parental accomodation as a cushion to enable the gambling to continue. The money has gone, but I have lost a fortune that could have been put away for when times get tough. I cannot live at my mum's house for ever.

I have to face the reality of life that my present way of life with low pay, in debt and not pulling my weight can no longer continue or I will just end up in the gutter whilst ruining my mother's life also.

I am trying to avoid anything that seems like an 'easy fix', that has always been the gambler in me. It has not worked. I have a five year plan of debt recovery which will work if I continue abstinence from gambling.

I have been avoiding problems of low self esteem, not believing in my own ability or pushing myself to advance my career and quality of living and forming relationships. I have not formed one lasting relationship in my whole life bar family.

Even that has been suffering as noone really wants to be with a 'loser' who does not even value themselves.. also your family are caught up with their gfs/bfs children. Things seem to change in your late 30s. Especially if you are single!

I do not wish to sound negative. The gambling was a way of blotting out other problems, loneliness, nnoone to enjoy my time with etc. I do socialise in a group and have some friends there..

In the end though the gambling has made things worse as now I have low sellf esteem over not having any cash/decent career/home of my own even able to afford a car. So is that just another thing to make me think noone is going to want me and an excuse to put myself down?

Long may the happier times continue..

Awayout

Hi Awayout... your not alone in what you describe matey. Your story is very similar to mine. Change can happen if you continue to stay stopped. Keep going my friend one day at a time.. as i and countless others endeavour to do the same.... regards.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for dropping in SA

I do have some close family but I always 'envy' those people who seem to have a lovely partner and children etc. I suppose though at least there is noone else got hurt from the gambling.

It does always look greener on the other side as they say! I suppose there are those here who have been burnt by many a bad relationship and are wishing they were single!! There was a time I genuinely did not want a partner but now I heading towards 40 I really am feeling a bit like last on the shelf! With my shelf life too quickly running out for my liking!!!Arrr..

Today was OK. The usual irritating things at work. Especially difficult is having young 'whippersnappers' at work some of whom have no 'life experience' and have some how ended up as supervisors or ended up in a higher position but know next to nothing and dont know how to respect their 'elders' or people in general and generally end up making me feel like so high... Guess that is a self esteem thing.

I know I am not old at 38. But when you see people about 20 in a higher position and starting to surround themselves with likewise young people and give people of the same young age more responsibility it does seem to take the biscuit. Obviously age discrimination does go on. Maybe they do not like having older people with more experience under them!!

Anyway rant over. I don't know if anyone else has had problems with younger people coming into the workplace somehow gaining more responsibility/higher position yet knowing so little in the way of dealing with people and experience...

I somehow get by by laughing things off but really wish I could get out of my current position. If you are not careful you become a scapegoat/laughing stock for these younger people who are probably so unsecure in themselves they have to pick on their elders..

Here is to the weekend. Why is work so boring? Well at least it takes my mind of gambling...

Awayout

Hi matey.. Try to work on that jealousy and envy thing.. you will only end up bitter and twisted. And yes the young supervisors probably do feel insecure managing people much older than themselves precisely because they may not have the life experince or confidence etc etc.

My boss (a decade younger than me) said that she struggled to manage me precisely because I was an older educated man and she didn't know how to approach me or relate to me.. that and the fact that we have next to nothing in common.

But the thing is.. I can understand that and I'd probably feel the same in her shoes. I try to make allowances for her self-acknowleged inexperince in managing people.. this being her first management position.. and for all my grumblings about her in the past.. things have since improved a bit now that we talk a bit more... communication is key isn't it.

For me i don't really care how old or young my manager is... am not interested in managing people..( I can barely manage myself some of the time lol).. I don't want the stress and hassle of it.. though it would be nice to earn more money. By the way i'd quite like a boring job for a while and that way i could concentrate on other areas in my life a bit more instead of getting home and feeling frazzled.

My general philosophy is to try to treat everyone as i would expect to be treated myself.. and in doing that I seem and always have been able to get along in any team.

And like you Ive got to a certain age now and i would like to settle down and have the mutual support that being in a relationship would bring. But it certainly ain't gonna happen if I continue with periodic gambling binges and the same goes for you my friend. Take care.. S.A

Thanks for your reply SA. You are right it is no good getting envious or coveting what someone else has who has not gambled it is a bit like drinking from the poisoned chalice.

I am able to cope with any situation at the moment, dealing with the general public in the workplace etc. I realise this is largely due to the fact that I have been staying off the gambling.

When I look back over the last few months I was within a few hundred pounds (on paper) of paying off my large overdraft. Then I became obssessed over this amount and gambled heavy again. Now about 3k in again (still have my large consolidation loan of course). Ridiculous when I look back. I also began buying things which turned out as not good 'investments which is part of the reason the overdraft ballooned again'.

Anyway I know now that I could never have been on top in 'gambling mode' as I would always chase for more on those dreaded FOBTS. Gambling by the very nature of the word is not a way to make money. Nor for me or countless others is it the harmless form of fun entertainment the betting industry likes to portray.

Thanks for your lowdown on working with young 'leaders' SA helped me see the other side of things to allow some leaway.

I am really looking forward to the weekends now and not blowing cash I cannot afford.

Sounds a long way but should be debt free in about 5 years including the hefty loan I have been steadily paying off. I am not letting money worries get too much on top of me.

I do realise that I my age and time in life I really would like a better quality of life with my own bachelor pad one day. The only way of doing this is head down and staying off the freaking gambling!

Awayout.

Just dropping in as I have been lapse in keeping the momentum going of trying to make a recovery in the past.

Really feeling stronger that I am just not in the gambling habit. I did think I could just manage with a lottery ticket or 2 every week but I now know I have to do the 'full monty' if I want to give myself some breathing space.

The Emotional bit of recovery I think is the greatest hurdle personally.

ADDING THIS BIT END OF DAY:

Could so easily turn to gambling as I have had a rubbish day at work. Got trained and asked to do something different for a change then it was given to the 'new guy' when they came in before I got a chance to start. So I was kept on the customer facing job. I tried not to be envious/annoyed at this other person but at the end of this day it was not there fault. Really that was bad management, they did not even ask if I minded.

For some reason though I could not stop my blood boiling a bit and telling this person and another colleague that I felt peeved that I have not been given this job to do and 'it would have been nice for a change to have done this other thing and the other person could have done the customer facing job.'

I suppose another way of thinking is they must think I am so good at the customer facing bit that they don't want to take me off that role.. But I get a bit fed up on it especially as doing extra hours and it involves selling lottery gambling products. I get fed up with customers making the same 'cheap jokes', and bring d**n right rude, making me on occasions feeling like snapping at them.

I have not however let it make me think I need to gamble. I know for a fact though before I would always have gambled to release some pent up anger/stress. Though as we know it just leads to more.

I think part of the reason I am getting more annoyed where I am is I am realising I am not willing to be walked over quite as much.

Maybe my self-esteem is slightly improving now I am not gambling though in debt. My fighting spirit is back but I have to be very careful that I don't shock people as they are used to my normally placid/low self esteem/'doormat' response. At least I can use this spirt to cope better and make changes in my life...

Looking forward to the weekend.

Awayout