Hi,
Today is the first time in a few years that I have logged on here. Why today? I suppose I felt it was a good idea having spent the last couple of months gambling online at various times. I’ve excluded from any accounts I had open so there’s no immediate danger of that continuing.
I didn’t gamble once in 2020 until around November. What made me gamble then? The same thing as always I think. Just wanted to feel that buzz. It’s addictive isn’t it? Well it is to me. Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired, but I seem unable to settle for living my life without seeking some kind of buzz.
The odd thing about me and gambling is that I know I can give up for long periods. I’m in my early 40’s now and I first started posting here in 2009. Back then I seriously doubted I could ever go a week without having a bet but I found sharing experiences on here helped. Since that time I’ve had at least 3 spells where I have gone a year or thereabouts without gambling. I know that I can give up, but what I’ve been unable to do so far is give up for good.
I’ve learned no new lessons during this latest spell of gambling. Gambling gives me nothing aside from that buzz when in action. I’ll never be able to win anything as I simply cannot stop once I am engaged. It certainly does nothing good for my mental health. The usual ups and downs of daily life are so much more pronounced when gambling. I sure feel like s**t right now that is for sure! My self-esteem has been poor for years, that’s largely due to time spent gambling since I was a kid.
So what are the answers? Well the usual really. Commit to stopping (again), exclude from all potential online gambling (done), don’t go into any betting shops (when they reopen) and aim to be a better person each and every day. Use the time in which I would be gambling by exercising or reading instead. Try to help others. Basically build a better version of myself.
I used to be Curly10 on here. I’ve changed my name to ex-gambler Curly out of admiration for an old buddy on here, ex-gambler Jeff. I’ve never forgotten how he turned his life around with absolute commitment and good humour.
Thank you to anyone who has read this. If you need any advice on the initial stages of giving up then I’d be happy to help. I’m good at that! It’s the staying ‘given up’ that I’m not so good at. Maybe this time though.
Hi Ex Curly.
Well done for writing that. I'm glad you have logged on
You are in a much better position than those that haven't admitted it yet or joined the forum.
I feel the main thing you need to focus on is the gaps of even a year are not a sign that you have full control or wont do it again...as you have found out. For quite a while I had "long periods" between gambling binges then the gambling binges would last for a month or so before entering another longish period not gambling.
This confused me into thinking I had some control and was a more lightweight gambler. I don't know why because the binges were very harmful financially and mentally. I even made the mistake of quitting going to GA meetings because I kidded myself that I shouldnt be there because the other members had gambled more often and they had the big problem.... not me.
That was the addiction talking to me,taking over and controlling my mind
Its a progressive addiction. Bad news and real lonely feeling used to spark me but in more recent years anything used to spark the triggers like builders in next door or the dwp messing me around.
I think it started as a buzz with me when I was twelve. However I know it gradually became more of an escape drug than a real buzz. I remember just driving all the way to London Had to get away with my depressed thoughts all the way down the motorway. The freedom on the spur of the moment gave me some buzz but all I was doing was wandering the streets heading to any arcades and sleeping in the car. I often did things like that after an explosive anxiety attack when feeling life was pointless.
If you can talk to family and friends it adds a layer of people who you don't want to let down. They and others can give you the reality checks we all need. A trouble shared will make the addiction cower because it likes secrets
Its about building foundations of honesty and openness. I enjoy giving people a financial and health report on how I'm doing now. That's because I will never be complacent again about this.
That doesn't mean I'm rattling. I don't care about gambling now beyond helping people. I have no interest in doing it and I'm crystal clear its just a dangerous waste of time. With enough time and reality checks my mind healed.
So since my 2015 recovery journey I dont really talk about gaps or long periods. I know I'm in this for a lifetime of abstention recovery and I've healed well. I discuss my feelings and am never complacent about a power that controlled me for forty years.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thanks for sharing these updates. Your story sounds so very similar to mine. I too have just gone a reasonably long time not gambling (2 and half years) but in the short space of 3 weeks recently I managed to find a way round gam block and have blown £15k in 3 weeks on online roulette. The weird thing is I’m very calm about it? Don’t get me wrong I shake my head at what I’ve just done, it took me 12 months to save and I’ve borrowed some more now but the money is no longer that important. My addiction has been up and down for nearly 20 years and I think I learn a bit more about myself each time it comes back. What I’ve now realised is I need to share my financials with my partner, joint accounts etc otherwise even though I stop now, I know it will come knocking again one day, maybe next week, maybe a couple of years from now but it will be back. So it’s got to be about being ready. I did counselling just before my latest abstinence and that really helped, maybe gave me the 2 and a 1/2 years gambling free I’ve just had. I put some good blockers in place which has helped take away the opportunity and my latest spree which has involved non- Uk sites and NETELLER looks to have stopped with my NETELLER account being suspended yesterday due to the activity (sadly a week or two too late) although it being blocked has given me a the chance to stop. So I too am back on this forum looking for people who understand what this thing is about. Thanks for reading this far if you have and I intend to start using this site again to help myself but also helps others too. We are all in this together! ?
Hi Curly
I’m back on here too 🙂 You joined in 2009, me in 2010 and you were one of the first I spoke to. Good of you to mention Jeff, he was a legend.
We had some great chat in the past and our stories have a lot of similarities I feel - could never have imagined all the ups and downs we have both gone through since joining many years ago. Yes living without gambling can be done but for some like us the pull of the buzz, the drug has just been too great to resist.
I think maybe my chance at life disappeared years ago, as much due to bad decisions as gambling, but I’m trying to soldier on and see what happens.
You are a bit younger than me so you have a bit more opportunity. Hope you can turn things around and stay stopped. We know all the barriers and what we should do but doing it isn’t always easy is it? Best Wishes mate.
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