My new diary .....Ria75❤

Wow Ria, you have been through an awful lot! So sorry to read of all of these traumatic events.

You are an incredibly strong woman to still be in one piece and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Well done for all that you've done so far, to throw yourself into recovery.

f x

Thanks Freda

I don't feel particularly strong to be honest. It's strange really because it's like all that happened to someone else and not me.

I'll carry on my diary now.....

So there me and my son was in our own home. 

The evenings was lonely and pretty boring so I'd get excited once my son was going to bed because I know it was my time to go on line and log in to the site.  I'd always get that weird Knott in my stomach I was about to place a bet and on a few occasions I won nothing major just little wins....

6 months in I was betting more and more money on the sites to get the same buzz the more I spent the more I won and the more I won the more I put back in to double the win ....but it didn't quite happen like that I'd lose the lot then I bet more to try and get my loss back.

It wasn't rational what I was doing and I think I knew it wasn't rational deep down but it was like I had two people in my brain the sensible rational me and the erratic impulsive gambling me who would justify why I need to spend the rent money on gambling or why I need to not bother food shopping so I can use the money on the site. 

It wasn't a surprise to me that I become addicted.....I always had an addictive personality and I swapped addictions all my life wether it was food or being in co dependancy relationships wen I knew it was wrong or shopping or excersising or chasing the high of falling in love and the newness of it all.....drinking....I don't honestly think I've ever been normal. 

I eventually met someone else on line....all happens really quick from meeting him and moving him in was about 4 months. 

He seemed great we had lots in common and we laughed a lot which I had missed. 

I got on really well with his family and I was happy and I really thought that this just had to be the one. 

So a year into our relationship he was none the wiser about my gambling and he had started a new job and very quickly got promoted. He was in charge of little group of people one of which was a married mother of 6 kids.  They became good pals and remember thinking it was nice he'd made a mate at work at least he had someone to chat to.

5 months later I was logging on my partners laptop because my phone had died and I wanted to look on th for something....I realised my partner hadn't logged out of his fb and I saw loads and loads of messages back and forth from the girl at work and him confessing how much they were into each other how much they loved each other's love notes and when were they booking the room for the hotel....I remember clear as day just staring at the lap top thinking....o*g......why!!!!!!

I'll write more in a couple of days 

Bye for now

Ria❤

Sorry i just skim read your diary and your husband that said it was your fault after what happened..i too got quite badly a******d by a man 2 years ago even though theie was evidence he said he 'couldnt remember' i get bad memories at random times.Some people are  awful. But its not your fault at all and you are strong even if you dont feel it.

 Sounds like you have been through an awful lot. But you should be proud of joining this site it sounds like you are ready to address your gambling problem which really will make an improvement to you and your sons life.

May i ask have you got the blocks all in place to protect you if you get any urges ?

Hey Lou

Thanks hun it means a lot and sometimes when I think about everything that's happened in my life...I'm really unsure how I'm still here to be honest!!

I have all the blocks in place thanks that was the first thing I did. 

I had a horrific day yesterday and the thing is for me ...personally I have so many issues gambling is just one of them that I've realised I need professional help. I'm lucky enough to have a close family member who has stooped up some cash to send me to rehab for my behavioural addictions. I go on the 12th for ten days.  I'm thankful I have this opportunity and I won't waste it because I realise that not everyone has the luxury of the opportunity I've been given. 

Anyway you know where I am Lou if you need an ear hun xxx

Hi Ria and welcome to GamCare,

Reading your story completely gripped me to the page & your diary! So sorry to hear of the challenges and hardship you went through in your life! I do believe each and every of it  has made you stronger. It made you a person you become today! Rational and honest with yourself -looking for help and determined to put those pieces of puzzle together! Massive well done for that!

Past does not defines us however it shapes us big deal...

I have a feeling you're deep thinker also. Wanting to know why's and figure out way forward. Its important to let the past go (or, shall i say, put it away in the right boxes in our brain) in order to enjoy now and start looking forward/planning the future. I guess all of us on here reaching for the same goal! Freedom and peace &most importantly - finding ourselves again!

You're on the right track! Wish you all the best with rehab process. Accept you need help, work through it and return a much more armed person in responses to situations and self love/care!..Healthier person in every aspect life has!

You can do it and you will! Look after that most important person - YOU!

Day at a time

S&B xx

Hi Sb28

Thanks very much for your comments....it's always nice to hear that something I've said or wrote moves someone in some kind of a way or resonates with them maybe.

I hope you keep reading as there's so much more....and intent it strange how you don't really see how chaotic and messed up your own life has been in till your telling someone else about it ....

So I'll carry on with my diary now

So after reading all the messages back and forth from him to her I felt utterly heart broken and furious not with them but myself.....I'd taken my eye off the ball and believed that someone could be utterly different to what I was use to....but in the end people just reinfirm what I had thought all along....don't fall in love.....don't trust someone....because as soon as you do that you set your self up for a very big fall.

Whilst staring at the lap top top a message came through....

"Hi babe....is it safe to talk?.....where is she....is she out"

Well.....that was it for me ...she obviously thought my other half was on line and she believed she was talking to him so I certainly wasn't going to tell her any different.  I pretended to be him just chatting at first but I was always good at finding out things that I shouldn't know about and by the time I had finished i had got her to spill her guts about the hotel booked for two days time. However I also found out that nothing physical had happend between them as yet it was all planning and txts and letters about how they wanted to sleep with each other. 

For me it was irrelevant that the physical act hadn't happend it was the lies the deceit and the planning that made me want to puke. 

I remember thinking.....now what do I do right now. My partner was upstairs sleeping.....some how I managed to suppress all my feelings and went upstairs to wake my other half up. I had no idea what I was going to say even. 

He looked at me and smiled and stroked my arm....which made my skin crawl. Then it all came to the surface and I started crying. He jumped out of bed and grabbed my hand and asked me what had happend...

I told him I was having a bad day and had been thinking about all the blokes in my life who had treated me like c**P in one way or another and hurt me and what did I ever do to deserve that....

He grabbed a tissue off the side and dried my eyes telling me I was perfect and I needed to stop thinking about the past because he wouldn't dream of ever hurting me like that looking right in my eyes knowing he was taking her to a hotel in two days time. 

I was crushed....even then...in that moment he had the chance to be completely honest about what had been going on but no....he lied straight to my face. I hadn't decided what I was going to do yet  I needed to think and whilst my partner went back to sleep I went down the stairs transfered the rent money To my gambling site and blew the lot at the time it made me feel better and I could escape everything that was going on around me when I was gambling but the next morning the realisation of having no rent money terrified me so I got out a loan not just for the rent money but extra so I could play on my site....well it was only right wasn't it.....I needed cheering up and this was going to do it........so I thought.....how wrong was I. 

Will write some more soon

Love Ria❤

Ria..beautiful and also heart wrecking post..please keep writing..tell us your story..its one to read and process to all!

Hope putting it down helps...release the anger, disappointment and confusion..it will fall into places eventually...you will find peace and acceptance! Keep talking x

Pls stay safe & most importantly - be kind to you!

Day at a time

S&B xx

SB28  Thankyou for your kind words it means so much that people are even bothering to take the time to read my diary which is my life!  I hope that you manage to take somthing from it. Xxx

So.......I decided to keep my feelings inside and not bother saying anything to my partner yet. I had two days to decide what to say or what to do before he was due to take the woman from work to the hotel. 

Things were tense and it took everything I had to keep my feelings in and not blurt out everything I knew...but I wanted to see if he would actually go along with it. .....I don't why I felt the need to do that because even if he didn't the damage was done the trust was gone and I knew I'd NEVER  look at him in the same way ever again!

I spent the next two days avoid him for fear of blurring out all and ruining it....he didn't seem to even notice I was distant and and avoiding him. 

I spent those two days drinking and gambling bill money away and starving myself ...like a punishment to myself. I think it was about control for me because the whole of my life I've never been in control however my gambling was tottally out of control and I was tottally focussed on the site..the buzz it gave me the idea of winning and my escapism of real life.   I had already dwindled away the last lot of rent money and had to get another loan soon I several pay day loans that I tottally knew wernt going to be paid back !!!

This is what I do what I've always done....wen things feel out of control or chaotic ...I put one of my addictions in place wether it's drinking gambling shopping chasing people who show me attention control with food....anything that gives me that dopamine hit....

Before I knew it the two days were up and today was the day.

I was sat on the sofa and my partner came in and plunked himself down on the sofa next to me...he began fiddling with his keys then he came out with c**P as his excuse where he was going that night telling me one of his Mayes called from work he has split from his girlfriend and is in a bit of a state so he was going over to his to keep him company and stay over and he'd be back in the morning. 

I pretended to read the newspaper and just told him that would be fine and to have a nice time. He went upstairs got changed and came down the stairs with his over night bag. He knelt down in front of me and kissed my forehead telling me he loved me and we'd go out for lunch tomorrow his treat. In that moment I felt sick....I didn't know wether to cry or kill him it was horrific and actually I believed he was right to want her over me as I clearly wasn't enough for him....I mean I wasn't enough for any of the others and wasn't even enough for my own parents. 

I let him walk out the door I watched him from the window get in the car and drive away.  J was devastated. I couldn't stop crying and imagined them two together laughing about me and how gullible I was....then in the moment I grabbed my phone and txt him

Hey....

Just wanted you to know that I've known for two days about your little hotel trip with Sasha ....I hope it's worth it......

Then I opens the bottle of vodka my partner got for his birthday and started drinking sat in front of the fire wondering why all thease things kept happening to me.....and would it ever ever end!!

Will write again soon 

Love Ria ❤

Hi Ria; if it wasn't for the fact this is so real and so heartbreaking, it would make for a gripping yarn; I'm riveted. You can certainly 'hold a pen' as they say.  I am now wondering what happens next, maybe as he reads your message, in shock, he veers his car into a ditch!

But this is serious and it is real life.  You write really well and ratchet up the tension in a way that shows your inner mettle and control despite the wrenching way you've been treated. I sense a sense of resignation inside you is countered by your desire for a sense of normality and for a period  - long period! - without any crisis (for once!). You realise that that your addictive behaviours, and this pattern applies to so many of us, are our 'go to's' when we feel we've been so unfairly aggrieved.  Life can indeed be a b**** at times. (My italics; I beat the Gamcare moderators to it 🙂 )

Ria, you will surprised how many of us here read your dairy, are rolling the punches with you and are really rooting for you. More than you might think 🙂 

Hi Ria... Purely by chance I stumbled on an article on the Daily Mail website today by Rosie Green. There are striking parallels between her story and yours; the utter heartbreak and pain of deceit, 'the 5 stages of recovery' and brighter times ahead.  You are not alone Ria, and you can and will turn things around for the positive.  From the lows will come the turnarounds and fulfilment that you deserve.  

Hey RochG 

Thanks for your kind words and compliment about my writhing skills....it does help me to write down thoughts and feelings and I'm able to unravel and reflect more easily so it does certainly help me understand my behavioural patterns and what I need to do to break the cycle.   Actually the people that have said I must be really strong to have gone through so much and still be here....Its strange really because I Never thought of my self as that and it's only when I write my diary I realise just how f****d up my life is and what I've gone through. 

Xxx

Next instalment....

So I was sitting happily drinking the vodka when my partner barges through the door asking me what the f is going on. I looked up at him he was red in the face and he couldn't look at me he was just standing there looking at his shoes.

So I recalled everything that had happened with the laptop the messages ECT.  And I told him that he was just like all the rest....no different....Just the same....and was I even surprised that he had behavioural in that way....generally I think I would of been more surprised had he not!

He was defensive and explained that he had felt lonely and hadn't really had any attention or affection from me for months and I had been preoccupied. And when Sasha started paying him attention it was nice and it made him feel good he got a boost and it stroked his ego.

"So what is it then....love ....s*x....what?" I yelled at him while sobbing into my half empty glass of vodka.

He glared at me....and told me it wasn't even really about the s*x it was the attention and it was nice to be noticed and he didn't love her and would never of left me she's wasn't even his type really and she was married and had no intention of leaving her husband anyway. 

My head was spinning and I didn't really know what to think. I took on slot of the blame for his unhappiness and loneliness and I guess I hadn't really been giving him much attention this is how I justified his behaviour.

"Let's start again babe we can fix this I can't lose you.....nothing physically has happend I havnt even kissed her"  he told me while taking his coat off and sitting beside me while he started to cry. 

"Nothing physical happend because you were caught out.....had I not read the messages on the laptop I would be none the wiser and you would of gone to that hotel and slept together.....it didn't happen because I found out not because you changed your mind and couldn't go through with it" I yelled at him.

I told him I needed time to think and I headed upstairs to be alone with my thoughts and my bottle of vodka. 

He didn't actually do anything physical....and he did come back....and I havnt paid him any attention.....I don't want to be on my own I'll be lonely ....maybe I can forgive him....I thought while I transfered my son's birthday money into the gambling site and blew the lot. 

I thought it would make me feel better I hoped and preyed it would but it didn't.....I had horrific thoughts of not being here anymore I mean what was the actual point anyway ....I was clearly ALWAYS going to get treated like a sack of c**P.  My life was a mess and it was obvious I was going to continue to stay in the relationship with my partner for fear of being alone....I believed that I wasn't worth anymore than this ...

A couple of weeks went by and I was trying to move past all the deceit from my partner as I told him I'd give him another chance. 

I became a complete control freak taking his mobile and deleting all social media from his apps. I made it clear I wanted him to have nothing to do with Sasha again I respect he had to talk to her in work he was her boss but that was it...no outside cosy chats....but realistically how would ever know anyway what was going on at work it wasn't like I believed anythingthing he told me any way.  Something had changed.....Deep down I still loved him but it was different some how the emotional connection had gone and I didn't look at him in the same way.....I wasn't sure I'd ever get back what we had....!

Several months after that my partner was trying to make a sense but I was distraught with grief and gambling every day now. Having suicidal thoughts daily barely eating and drinking my self into oblivion to escape the pain. 

One day I was so so desperate I had took myself for a walk and in that exact second my phone rang......

I looked at the phone and my son's name came up.... then images of my son came flooding in my brain all the memories of his birth and what he had been though in his little life and in that moment I realised I couldn't leave my boy.....So I made a choice and I walked into a mental health clinic and asked to speak to someone. It all happend really quickly I was assessed and within 3 hours I was being admitted into a psychiatric unit.....and there I would stay for 7 weeks!

Will write again soon 

Love Ria❤

Thank you, Ria, for taking the time and for writing another chapter of your experiences.  The understandable turmoil you have been suffering is palpable.  The feeling you are trapped in a synthetic situation, with you and your partner knowing full well the reasons why, has been driving you to absolute distraction, with gambling just one the ways you have been trying to numb the pain.

I am beyond relieved that you pulled back from the brink as how poorer the world would have been without you here; I mean, you wouldn't have been here to write these words which will provide inspiration and reassurance to so many that are gong through the same boat - and it might stop stop some potentially wayward partners from doing the same when they holistically consider the seismic emotional impacts.

But much, much more than this is the fact that you *are* here Ria.  I have been very moved by what you have written and I know there are many of us here who feel the same way.  We are all together, united, with you. There are different reasons why this addiction has hooked us in, and we are all non-judgementally to helping ourselves and others out of this manevolent fog.

At this stage of the story, your inner voice and conscience has selflessly thought about your son.  The phone ringing or otherwise would not have interrupted you, I am sure of this; that's my personal view but I'm delighted your phone rang all the same! This crucial moment goes to show the true heart you have Ria; your personality, character and natural goodness shines through all you have written anyway.

You are in the very best of hands at this point of the story and the start of your recovery.  I have no idea what will come in the next instalment but whatever it is, and this applies from today onwards too, we are all with you. Listening, resonating and non-judgementally in your corner 🙂

Just to clarify a sentence I wrote above:

"If the phone hadn't rung then something else would have interrupted you, I am sure of this; that's my personal view but I'm delighted your phone rang all the same!"

And just to add, you have commented that we on here "get it" which is a compliment to all of us, so thank you, Ria.  We certainly do get it and we keep it real!

RochG Thanks for your input it really means a lot knowing people are taking their time to read my entries xx

So there I was admitted to the psychiatric unit...the first couple of weeks were a bit of a blur to be honest....my says were filled with assessments and medication that made me feel like a walking zombie I honestly think I slept two weeks of my life away in there. 

So I was diagnosed with Bi polar disorder....and was put on anti phycotic mediation which I hated for two reasons...1 all I wanted to do was sleep and 2 I felt perminantly hungry and after talking to some patients I learned that anti psychotic were mood stabilizers and weight gainers....I was horrified so unbeknown to staff I stopped taking the medication. I've always had a really unhealthy relationship with food wether I'm binging on c**P or starving myself and constantly weighing myself.....So there was no way I was taking any weight gaining tablets it just wasn't happening. 

My time in there wasn't very usefully if I'm honest I wasn't taking the medication and there wasn't very much help in regards to any therapeutic counselling or CBT it was litrally a quick chat with the psychiatrist who asked how I was feeling on a scale from one to ten and did I have any suicidal thoughts.

In my 7 weeks there I realised to get what I wanted I had to work the system. I had been there 3 weeks with no day release  and I was missing my child but didn't really feel the need to see my partner so I phoned mum and asked her to come and pick me up as I was getting day release even though I hadn't actually spoken to the psychiatrist yet. 

I went in his tiny box room and stared at all the inspirational quotes all over the walls. While he was busy scribbling notes he looked up and asked how I was feeling....

"Yeah I'm feeling a lot better thank you the medication is clearly helping and the fog has lifted ...it would be really nice if I was able to have day release today, I mean ....I miss my son and be at my mum's the whole time......" I paused to gadge his response.....he continued to stare at me whilst he twiddle his pen round and round his fingers...

"......erm....okay...I think we can arrange that for you but I'd want you back here for 3pm" he ordered but I wasn't bothered I was getting out of this prison and I was seeing my son who I missed desperately. 

I had toyed with the idea of phoning my partner to let him know I had day release but actually I wasn't bothered wether us as him or not and it had been a happy distraction not to have to see him or think about the situation with him and Sasha and what was going on at work. 

It was nice spending time with my son and seeing mum but it went so quickly.....and it wasn't long before I was saying goodbye and going back to the unit. 

I turned on my phone to 10 missed calls and a txt from my partner.

"I phoned the unit to see how you were doing and they told me you were on day release ....thanks for seeing me......I'm lost without you...when you coming home"

Reading his text made me realise that actually he was quite dependant on me really.  I think it was a co dependancy relationship...he was with me because he couldn't stand the thought of anyone else being with me and i did everything for him....and I was with him because i didnt want to be on my own.....

I didn't reply....I didn't know what to say ...my head was filled with so many questions I didn't have the answer to and so I decided an early would be the best option and I would be no doubt reflecting on my current situation in the morning .

Will write soon

Love Ria❤