Thanks Suzanne! Not sure about sanity but certainly closer to it!
Day 180.
My last gamble was 29th November so tomorrow is 6 months. 28th November was payday and a complete meltdown! Holding back the tears at work as I played £200 hands of blackjack! I started the day gambling on the train on my mobile, combination of blackjack and roulette. Relatively small stakes to begin with, as I lost I upped the stakes to win back the money. As I won back the money I kept the stakes high. Somehow was up considerably by the time I started work. With this in mind I thought I was Bertie Big B**locks! I owed the best part of £40k out and only I knew this. I knew the few hundred quid I won meant nothing, I continued to gamble until I had lost the lot.
Bad times indeed.
Now I'm 6 months on and still owe the big chunk of money. But I am honest with my wife and mum so I am not trying to win it back or living in denial.
I'd love to win £40k and pay my debts off. However this won't happen via gambling, for 2 reasons, the odds are so severely stacked against me I'm more likely to add the debt and secondly, even if I won I'd likely lose it all again plus more.
The feelings which are stronger in my memory are the feelings of when I won, the train journey where I was £200 down and 20 minutes later £700 up. I guess it's natural to block out painful memories and I don't really want to dwell on them but it's important for me to understand the full cycle of my gambling.
I think the counselling I had really help with this. As gambling is usually solitary we don't talk to people about how it makes us feel. These diaries are pretty good for this too. I would advise anyone who reads these diaries but doesn't want to post to start talking about your feelings, either to friends/family, a counseller or starting a diary.
I'm hoping the dark days of November 29th and before will become more distant by the day but it's important to remember where you've come from to remember not to go back.
Day 181
Made 6 months! Not exactly easy, I know non-gamblers just think it's a case of not gambling. It's been a long journey of retraining my brain.
Think I'm getting there! The urges are few and far between and common sense is prevailing every time.
Some financial damage to be repaired but happy that will be done over time and also over time other aspects of my life will improve.
Starting to feel better from a cold earlier in the week. At a wedding tomorrow so hoping to be 100% for that.
Day 184
No real thoughts of gambling. Just an annoying mathematical formula which goes through my head when I have money in the bank...usually something like..I've got £50, if I won a 3/1 I'd have £200!
Think it's just habit and now I am able to accept I just have £50 for the week (or month!)
Busy week ahead at work with a big weekend at the end! Hopefully work goes quick and I can be enjoying the Brighton sunshine on Saturday!
Day 186
Gamble free.
Times changing a bit from the early days where I couldn't trust myself with £10 in my account. Recently had a few £ in my account and last thing I wanted to do was risk any of it!
Great weekend up coming, all of which wouldn't of been possible a few months ago, certainly not within my means!
Off practising golf now followed by 90 minutes of football so should sleep well tonight!
Must be Day 193!
Been on a very messy stag do and now don't want to return to normality!
3 days of heavy boozing but thankfully no gambling, no urges to either.
First day back in work today and it's a struggle! Luckily a 3 day week and I go on holiday 2 weeks on Friday. God knows how I can afford all this with my debts!
Think it's going to be a very quiet winter after one of the busiest summers of my life! Continuing with no gambling I can come through the winter with money to have another great summer.
Certainly a much more postitive outlook at the moment
Day 195
Finally recovered from last weeks stag do, looking forward to a much less hectic one this weekend!
No gambling thoughts, lots of thoughts of how to raise money but gambling not one!
So much on over the next 3 months I can barely beleive it! Hibernation planned for the winter!
Wow Tears, 5 Days from 200 massive milestone to reach, well done, keep going .
Suzanne xxx
Thanks Suzanne,
Have to keep reminding myself I've done over 6 months. Didn't feel like it was a possibility at one stage!
Day 198 and no signs of gambling. A mate chatting about it and putting a few bets on didn't bother me like it used to, I just told him to take the money whilst he could!
Gambling just doesn't have a place in my life like the majority of people.
Looking forward I have plenty going on this week and next week will be countdown to my holiday.
Still need to find that nirvana where I don't need to be looking forward to something and can just sit and enjoy doing nothing!
Day 199
Had a nice chilled out night last night, no sport, drinking or anything! Just had tea and watched SuperBad!
Felt really good just to relax and do nothing, slept well on top of that so feeling pretty good today.
Work is a pain at the moment but struggling on!
No thoughts to gamble, money is tight but I'm somehow thinking straight now that gambling is not a route to improve your riches! Exactly the opposite!
Jeez 199 days tears, brilliant, look forward to congratulating you on the big 200 tomorrow,
Lovely positive post, just stay aware 🙂
Suzanne xxx
Day 200
Another nice milestone.
Still keeping vigilant but nothing to tempt me into gambling. Everything is much more positive, think it's the weather! Better watch out in the winter!
I think last year I was numb to gambling, didn't have time to step back and realise the harm it was doing. In a little bubble. Now I've been out of that a while, everything seems much clearer and I think I'm more focused.
Never in my adult life been this long with out gambling, and also without telling lies etc. It's a completely different life to the one I was living, much less stress and generally happier!
Congratulations tears, on 200 days, it's a great achievement.
Suzanne xxx
Well done mate, you've done incredibly well to reach 200 days. Hope you will be doing something good tonight to celebrate. Keep it up!
Thanks guys, the words of encouragment mean a lot 🙂
Day 201 and things are good.
Went to the driving range and then played football for my works team. Even things like sports were difficult whilst gambling, I'd often be sat in the car getting in as many hands of BlackJack before going into the changing rooms, the amount of energy I'd already spent was incredible! The adreneline involved in gamble really can knock you for sick.
I remember playing squash after a massive loss and not being able to get it out of my mind, even though sport is a great distractor gambling can eat away at your enjoyment of that too.
I honestly beleive all aspects of my life have improved over the last 201 days, some of it you notice straight away like worrying drops really quick once you've shared your problems. But the little things are starting to register more now, better sleep, more patient, more content, the list goes on!
I guess for anyone just starting their recovery the first days are totally confusion, a determination to suceed but doubts in the back of your mind you can, usually from failed attempts before. But things get clearer as you go on, gambling starts to become alien and you realise there is far more to life than you perhaps realise.
Lifes not perfect of course and there are good and bad days, but feeling really postitive at the moment. (Maybe because I'm off work for 10 days next week! :-P)
I also checked my credit report for the first time today, expecting the worst!
It's actually not too bad, about £3k all in all to numerous payday lenders etc. Certainly something I can work towards paying off.
At the moment I am paying my mum back a HUGE loan so I've put these guys off deliberately, and to be honest they haven't really pursued me for the money. I could probably wait 6 years to get them written off.
However, I've been around the block a few times with debt collection agencies etc. I can probably pay this debt off for around 1/2 of what I owe.
I don't need or want credit at the moment so it's not a pressing issue. However I do have plans to own property and maybe my own business which is making me want to sort this problem out.
Like I say, not a massive worry or debt for me, and feels good to know where I stand instead of the usually head in sand technique!
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