New beginnings!

Hi Lucy,

Just dropping by....Weather was gorgeous.....so thought of you my friend!

Hugs Sue xx

This post is going to be difficult to write but here goes!

Today is back to the start for me

The last few weeks having been getting steadly worse in terms in trying to understand my feelings about certain issues.

I knew the 6 weeks holidays were going to be tough trying to occupy my mind and the more i tried the harder it became.

Past events in my life surfaced and i thought they needed to be dealt with and that i could handle them but i just broke over the last couple of weeks and i was at the lowest i think i had ever felt.

Strong tough Lucy disappeared and it her place became this emotional wreak who didnt know which way to turn.

If it was not for a wonderful mate i dread to think what could have happenend but his support was just the best i could have asked for and i owe him big time!

Over this time i started to get the urges to gamble, they gathered strength and slowly built to the point of no return, i tried fighting them b******s so d**n hard but could not stop myself from running away yet again!

Today i am so disappointed in myself for this, i feel yet again i'm a failure and just cannot make the right decisions to make my life so much better, in terms of money no real damaged has been done but i so wanted to continue being bet free it hurts like crazy today.

While back on it yesterday i will say that i did not get any 'buzz' whatsoever, all the memories of before came flooding back , me sitting at the computer , banks cards over the desk, ashtray full up and me not even really listening to my best mate when he called to try and help, all i was looking at was the screen and continued to click the mouse loosing more money, the only upside i suppose is that what was said to me did register and i did stop before it became even more damaging.

I didn't want to come back on here as i feel some people have been treated unfairly on this site and it hurts when i know the ones its happenend too are very genuine people who just want the support to help them overcome this f****r of an illness and need it as an aid to their recovery but for them and me i will continue to write on my diary because it is for me and getting this down does help me!

So today i will NOT gamble, i have no urge to gamble and i hate the f*****g thing!

I will smile because i can get to where i was before and surpass it this time

I can't look back anymore because it hurts too much so today is all about moving forward and going out to get that life i want

I know it's going to take time and i need to be patient, i also know that gambling will NEVER be the answer and that i have to build up my strength day by day

Sorry for the long and disappointing post but feel better getting it down

I want to thank the people who have supported me during this tough time , you know who you are and you mean the world to me x

I will post to others hopefully over the next few days and i appreciate all the posts, sorry i have not been able to reply but i just felt being so negative would not help anyone.

Keep Strong all , i know you can do it!

Lucy xxx

Hi Lucy,

None of us are perfect. It's taken two relapses for me to get to the place I'm currently in. I was P*ssed off both times, but managed to get past it and feel better for it. Overcoming the weakness has somehow made me strong. You know what: even if it does happen again, I know I'll get over it, I hope it doesn't of course!

You'll get over it again, I know, so don't feel regret that you've had some weakness, gain strength and feel good with yourself when you overcome it again.

Rose

x

edit: I'm currently working my way through this book about Mindfulness (a new buzz word!) which I'm finding very interesting. I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but the reasoning makes sense and it's only 20 minutes a day to help get some inner calm, which I sure as hell need sometimes. Worth a try for me anyway. I'll try to post a link in the next post, but in case it doesn't work it's by Mark WIlliams.

Book link via amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindf…finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

Hi Boston.

You will be free of this...as ctw says..we are not perfect... just human all trying to deal with it as best we can.

Take care

Rachel

Hey Lucy,

Right from my first couple of days on this site you were so supportive and I really hope I and others can offer you the same support over the coming days! YoU have done a long sustained period without gambling so you can do it and I know you will! Whilst it's still raw I won't ramble as I often do but I just want you to know this is the place to be and we will be right behind you!

Flagg x

Lucy.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. We are not here to judge my dear friend, what we are here for is recovery and the doors of that are revolving.there is no right way or medicine just our own will. You have given recovery so much more than will and so your on the recovery road and you got a puncture , a blow ou, today you mended it, and for that be proud very proud get back upon your path, if you need stabalizers then we are here.lucy just for today be kind to yourself, keep smiling.

Oh I forgot to mention the bikes a tandem so your friend and your gamcare family will always help with the ***.

Take care.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Lucy,

You know hun...it's not a competition.....you have had a little blip....thats all.

Not sure what else to say my friend but will always support you.

You helped me so so much when I first joined....something I will never forget.

To me you are always Strong....Smiling...Lucy!

Huge credit though for writing on your diary........anything us gamblers can take away and learn from is added as another tool in our recovery!

Thank you Lucy!

Sue xxxxxx

Lucy, my dear friend!

As everyone else has said, yesterday was just a little bump along the way to that better life you so richly deserve!

There are many, many people here that want to support you and help you get through this, just as you have supported and helped them… me included!

You are still a massive inspiration to me and always will be!

Stay strong buddy.. we are with you all the way now and always!

xxxxxxxxx

Thank you all for your posts , really appreciated and I will get back to people soon xxx

No bets today 🙂

Hey Lucy,

You have put so much into your recovery and supporting other people, You have always been 100% honest on your diary speaking from the heart and shooting from the hip, I like that.

I have so much admiration for what you have achieved so far, that journey isnt over, its not always about the quantity of recovery but the quality.

Come back when ever your ready we are not going anywhere anytime soon, and we will support, listen, smile and laugh along the way.

Take care lucy. Keep smileing.

Blondie xxxxxx

Hey Lucy,

You got right back up hun and that is huge!!! Now take it by the neck and kick it's a** one day at a time!!!! grrrrrrrr!!! HUGS!!!! joan

Yo,

I believe this is an illness . It is one we fight every day but now and again we loose the battle , but never the war !!!

I relapsed after 5 years clean , how crazy was that .

I knew better , I had spent a month in rehab , reached my rock bottom , lost the will to live . Sorted it out cleared my dept , both monetary and by making amends to my nearest and dearest . The went and did it all again.How utterly insane was that

Please please do not beat yourself up . It's done , today is another day , one we may get it right or we may get it wrong . All we can do is try to get it right .

As long as we keeping battling , we stand a chance ,

Big hugs Hun ,

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxx

Good Afternoon World

Wow what can i say , i cannot thank you all enough for your support , had me in tears at times but not for me just because of the kindness you show even though we are all trying just to make our lives a little better!

Today as i said yesterday is about looking forward, nothing i can do about the past whether recent or far back so for me it is about looking at where i want to go.

Not really done alot over the last couple of days, some work come through today that although i could leave till my return if i get it out the way now then more time for the young people when i get back , that is one aim for me in the coming year, i am going to delegate more , i have trouble as i like the buck stopping with me lol see i'am an utter glutton for punishment !

I will delegate and get back to more 1-1 work with the students, this is what i am best at and because my career has grown as well as my staff then this has happenend less and more of me being stuck behind a desk , not really me at all lol lol

So first change in the coming weeks!

I will not go on about my slip as it is in the past and i have firmly got back up, batted those devils aside and am moving forwards away from that!

My next thoughts are on the house, do i sell with not much equity and just start again, do i wait a while and see if the prices go up, decisions, decisions! What i can't decide is if a completley new area is the right move or is that running away again? I think it could be good but not sure where to go, many beautiful places , Cumbria is where i feel at home but is that because i am only there whenever i'm not at work and also job scene not great there unless i try Sellafield but do i want to glow all day and night lol lol

So enough of my life's questions for today

Lucy is feeling strong, not sure if she's handled wrong though she might not break but trying to get back to the positive person i know can exist as long as they don't bet!

I have decided that i'm not counting days again as a bit raw at the moment, i know i did really well and can continue after the bump!

Keep Strong all

Smiling Lucy 🙂

Sellafield wouldn't be so bad. Got to be better than WIndscale 😉