New beginnings!

Day 6

Can't believe in just a few days bet free how clear the head starts to feel.

This is my time now, I did so well before and then let all the stresses once again take over so I rode the rollercoaster thinking it made it better but all it ever does is make is worse.

My debts had been paid but now I'm once again playing catch up when I should have so much more each month!

It makes me feel sick thinking of the money, I know I will never get back the vast amount I'd continue to waste on gambling, all I can do is knuckle down again and get back on the straight and narrow.

I need to live for now, not what I had , not what I could 'win' etc , I may not have loads but I still have a roof over my head, love and a job, how selfish have I been over the many years, I need to start thinking of others and not just myself.

My life has had so many ups and downs but I keep bouncing back and that must be because I'm strong not weak so now I need to believe again that I can do this.

No looking back , just think of the future but still mindful it's one day at a time!

My mountains are calling so I know that next week I will still be bet free .

I can do this.

Take care

Be strong

Lucy

Lucy

The feeling of clarity is gifted through abstinence, something I know comes with equal measure of joy and remorse.

The remorse you can never change, the coulda woulda shoulda. The losses are gone, leave them in the past.

The joy of abstinence is about the future.

Yes the immediate future may be hampered by the recent losses,financial and more important emotional, but without gambling you won't be adding to either, you gift yourself the opportunity to have a future.

Embrace it my dear friend.

Why??

because you are worth it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lucy,

Love to have you back posting again. Stay positive and stay on this journey with us. Life is so, so much better without gambling. Not just that but it is much better being on this from with like minded people who know about our struggles. Human being love getting praise and we love others knowing that we are doing well and trying our best. This forum brings us support, praise, constructive criticism and much more. I think it would be difficult for anybody to beat gambling addiction on our own. Commit to staying here and receiving the support and you will conquer this addiction.

Tomso.

Good. Morning Lucy

what a lovely surprise to see your thread and you posting again i often wondered how you are it seems like life is treating you well with a new man in your life new home , it is a shame though bout the reasons but proud of you for realising and getting some support , for me you have the knowledge and the experience to deal with this , there will be times in our lives when we experience this as ultimately we are compulsive gamblers with compulsive natures and for me there is no cure for that but we can take medicine for it with support staying focused the key for me now is accepting what and who i am and not to fear it when and if something happens i have all the tools i need to deal with

its a tough one to call with your partner and i get the not wanting to tell but i guess the support would be vital i am sure you will make the right call on that one , myself still single the only girl in my life is my daughter jess and for now i am happy just with her she's ten now so my guess is i can have another two or three years before she won't need me so much then i can change my outlook on life from a personal view . In my two and half years of recovery i have had 5 relapses to date one quite recent i know the triggers though the last one after 9 months clean like i said though now i accept it will happen and probably will again at some stage

i always remember the great banter we had when we posted and i thank you for that as well as the support you gave its people like you that played a huge part in my recovery and that's something i won't forget

i don't post very often i always struggled with the balance with this forum I know the door is always open and i can use it when ever i need i tend to read more than post and that works for me , i hope you find your balance and continue well with your recovery , never forget how far you have come and be proud of that we are not perfect and never will be , all we can do is try and that i know you will do

For now take care and do what's right for you

Castle2

Good morning

Back from the mountains, had a great few days, always clears my head and puts a lot into perspective!

Got paid and will have to struggle again to clear the gambling debts but instead of making me want to chase it again I am feeling positive in that I must remember that never happens and the only way to get straight is tightening the belt , head down and stay strong.

Feel a lot better over the last couple of weeks and the support from here gives me a real boost too , I thank you very much and wish you all the best always.

Today I am just chilling, getting ready for work next week and looking forward to being with my man not getting anx cause I have gambled again and don't know what to say but looking forward with my head held a little higher knowing I am getting there!

Small steps but ones I know I can go forward with in my life time battle to keep the demons at bay!

Solicitor next week to sort the marriage and house out, tried to do it without it but he is sooooo bloody awkward I have no choice as I know putting that part of my life behind me with just help in my recovery.

I will try and support others more when I feel a little stronger and I have my heart and soul supporting you all through your struggle.

Take care

Keep Strong

Lucy x

Lucy

Great to read you had a good week up those mountains, hopefully the memories will live long and serve to build that resolve.

Sounds like you may finally find closure to a chapter of your life that I know caused great stress and to find the well deserved closure I am sure will only serve to help.

I hope you do indeed get to relax before returning to work next week,I know my Sarah needed a break from her school and with easter being so late this year the holidays were some what disrupted.

Keep making the right choice for you my dear friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Oh gosh,

What is wrong with me ????????

I try and I can stop for a few weeks then I gamble again , each time now falling nearer and nearer to total destruction, I know what I'm doing , I tell myself no but I still press the button.......

I have self excluded from soooo many sites but somehow I can always find another , I have blocks on my computer but I then get it on my phone or my partners laptop (he does not know any of this) , I have even used my work laptop to access sites.

I am now really scared a no matter how many times I say that's the last I still go and do it again.

I blamed my husband as I was so unhappy and although the divorce is moving along and I have a great new man I still go into self destruct.

Every penny I have goes on gambling .

I go on holiday Monday and have spent most of the spending money today, don't know what I'm going to do , cannot tell my man as I know he would be so disappointed and would not be able to understand no matter how much he cares.

Really getting to the end now as I just don't know how to stop

Heard that in a few months there will be a self exclusions which covers every single betting online, don't know if that's true, I hope to god it is.

Lucy

Hi Lucy

I. Can relate to what you are experiencing s**t I did it for years

I stopped when I hit rock bottom I had given it all and more and I stopped because I had no more to give

The s******g addiction

I hD lied robbed cheated borrowed and stole and I am very ashamed of what I let that addiction do to me so in the end I self destructed myself to get rid of it

To be totally honest I am not rid of it it takes total willpower and strength and positiveness for our futures

And therefore our families futures

There is only one wAy to go and that is to abstain and maintain one day at a time

But that is soo positive for us

Suzanne xx

sorry for another post but feeling so bad atm I need to get it off my chest.

Sitting here crying my eyes out, so bloody fed up with this poxy addiction.

Cannot believe I have gone this low, all my life I have worked and studied hard to get where I have and all I do is throw it all away.

My partner is due in soon with the step kids , I'm sure they will all be bubbly because of the holiday and I just want to roll up in a ball and make it all go away.

Was in the mountains a couple of weeks ago and I even gambled up there, something I have not done before because I can my calm there but I really am caught up atm in this and just cannot stop, god please help me I do not want to loose the last of what I have, I should be happy now but I'm still bloody miserable and wanting to gamble , cannot get over how much I loose but still continue thinking this will be the one.

Sooo hard , cannot speak to anyone and feel such a fraud as i use CBT at work but cannot get myself to change my mindset.

HATE THIS SOOOOO MUCH , HATE MYSELF MORE!!!

Sorry if you read this, it is helping me get my anger out without causing more destruction.

Lucy

Lucy

I understand what you are feeling and it's total s**t

It's hard to tell people cos they don't understand they would say just stop it's not that simple

You are not in your own I have gambled in my laptop,around my family on all occasions Xmas day Easter holidays you name it why Because I am. a CG

You are not a fraud you Are a person like me and many others that I only found out when I came in here who sadly got addicted to this self destructive addiction

I had to reach rock bottom which is different for every individual but you will know and then it's sheer willpower and strength after putting every barrier in place but it can be done one day at a time yesterday has gone tomorrow is not here today counts each one day counts because each day we get stronger and the addiction gets weaker

Just try for today not just with gambling but with all of your life I know it's hard I am having a hard day today

But I am walking along side with you as I know people on here are walking along side with us to abstain and maintain because I know that is the only way to go

Suzanne xx

Good afternoon ,

I need help , I'm struggling mentally , at work , at home , it really seems it's finally completely crashing down and guess what , I go and bloody gamble again and again , so fed up that I can't seem to break this poxy compulsion , every advert for a new site sees me logging on , loosing more money , borrowing more money and then so down I don't know what else I can do , really feel it's never ending and now totally disillusioned beyond belief

totally done in

Lucy

Hi Lucy,

I am glad you come back on diaries and posted how you feel. Had a quick read through your diary and d**n girl ain't ya a real fighter? Bring that spirit for the fight back, you have been here before, what stops ya from trying again?
Gambling will not dissapear from the surface, it will be here we like it or not. But we all have a choice individually. How does that sound? A choice to set yourself free and build that bridge back up...today matters the most, it might make you feeling low and sick to your stomach...but today also can mean the turning point. For the better.

I relate to how you feel. I cannot go further than few weeks g free. I do wonder where that girl gone from nearly two years ago...determined to make the change, and fight for her life. If that was so easy lol...it is not easy, but i suppose we need to keep trying. Cause deep inside we got it dear soldier...we got that strength to make the change and come out the other end.

Have more belief in yourself, push through these days...every single day counts Lucy, the further you go the better you feel.

You, me and everyone on this site are addressing the issues we are facing....head on!!..none of us are perfect and never will be...but we are little diamonds which just needs a little shaping up...cutting those corners to ease that searing sharp pain we create to ourselves.
Stand bk up and start from within. You know you want better and more peaceful life for yourself. It's out there for the taking - embrace the recovery, embrace the unknown...you're worth it!

Be kind to you and keep fighting One Day At A Time!

Sandra

Ps. To help you bring that strength bk up..you do need some physical blocks: self exclusions, blocks like K9 (this is for free) and just maybe handing your cash to someone you trust for the time being. Nothing changes if nothing changes, you have to sacrifice things to get better and satnd firmly on the road of recovery.

Lucy.

I wish you had returned to write how your life had improved immeasurably through gifting yourself abstinence.

Alas that is not the case, but you know that it's never too late to again seek recovery.

The doors of the recovery room revolve, it doesn't matter how many times you walk through them, it is what you learn each time you do.

Put the triangle.

Time-money-location in place, eliminating the opportunity for addiction to rule your every thought.

Recovery is patient, it awaits you to jump aboard.

Come in from the cold so to speak, glad to have you aside.

Recovery is a gift, please don't let addiction tell you any different, bottom line is that addiction is full of s*h#ite!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.