NEW DAWN , NEW DAY , FEELING GOOD !

Your alway's welcome Chartom but thanks for the post and I hope all goes well on Tuesday :)).

So I got a speeding ticket on Monday of last week through the post telling me I'd been clocked at 36mph in a 30 mph zone :(( .

My first reaction was " Why don't they go and catch real criminals " and " If I'd been doing 34 mph they wouldn't have bothered " and that was the sort of attitude that a couple of years ago would have been more than enough of an excuse to send me scuttling off to the bookies for a " Money chucking session " wher I would have no doubt lost a few hundred pounds trying to justify paying a £ 90 driver awareness course ! .

I then got to thinking when the last time was that I recieved a speeding ticket and it pretty soon all came flooding back to me .

It was in the early eighties andf my daughter was about 2 or 3 yrs old , I'd stopped off at the bookies on the way home from a morning shift at work and stayed a little loger than I should have , anyway I returned home to my neighbour franticly shouting at me that my baby daughter had been rushed to hospital after havin some sort of fit and that my wife at the time and my mum had been phoning everywhere trying to get hold of me to let me know . I rushed to the hospital obviously trying to make up time and was caught near to the hospital doing about 50 in a 40 mph area , of course I tried to bluff the policeman by claiming that my daughter was really ill but he just carried on writing the ticket and I subsequently recieved a fine and endorsment .

I arrived at the hospital where my daughter was all stripped off allowing her to cool down and carried on making up some lame excuse as to why I hadn't arrived home when I should and where I'd been , so even back then I just wanted to cover myself and look after number one . I look back now full of shame and remorse at how I was even all those years ago and it really demonstrates how long this has been going on for , so selfish in addiction .

This time I'll gladly pay my fine ,just take it on the chin and accept responsibility for my actions .

My name is Alan and I'm a Compulsive gambler ( no bet for 720 day's ) .

Best wishes to all in recovery :))

Evening buddy

Thanks for stopping earlier in the week at least you remember I didn't until loxxie remined me.

We all have regrets and just like the money that's gone we can't change them. As you say it's ok to look back but just don't stare too long.

It would be different today if your daughter or anyone for that matter needed you you'd be there in a flash and that all we can do. Keep making up for our mistakes by doing the right thing today and tomorrow.

A pleasure as always.

KTF

Morning my fav cod fryer !
Dads funeral went well...lovely happy service fitting for a chap of nearly 90...I feel a bit weird saying I sort of enoyed it...but it was quite uplifting...I did have a melt down at the cemetery. ..but even that felt ok...I had a great childhood and have wonderfull memories...so I'm just ok with it..
Hope that doesn't make me sound a hard nut !
Didn't get chance to talk to sister about my addiction..but I did get a big hug...and it's great to see you..
Went for a drink after with her and both hubbies...lovely couple of hours reminising etc...so wanted to bring subject up...but didn't seem the right time...I'm sure I genuially mean that ...and it wasn't an excuse...been invited to spend time with them soon...so think that will be a better time for heart to heart...
You best look out ...loxxies coming to pompey ! Mwahhhh

Alan. Well done on your 700days+ gf and the massive contribution that you make on the forum. Do you think that being active on here has helped you to remain gf?
Your comment about the speeding fine struck a cord with me. I too received one recently, and after a brief moment of annoyance I accepted the consequences and then paid the fine, regardless of whether it was fair or not. But I can totally identify with what you said about rushing off to win back the money cheated from us. Many years ago I had my push-bike stolen and the determination to win back the cost was inevitable.

Hi Alan,

Thanks so much for your kind and caring input on my diary. I really do appreciate it. I have felt a bit running on empty for a while and decided I wasn't going to read other diaries when I came back to posting. That I would just use my own diary as a cathartic tool.

I never cease to be amazed by how kind people are on here to still read it and offer support. One of the few places in life where I feel like I get more coming in than I'm giving out.

Wow! Your story about the speeding tickets really shows just how far you have come! Always happy to see people flourishing in recovery.

f x

Hi Alan

Just read the highlights of your diary, congrats on two years gamble free. An inspiration to us all.

Shaun

Hi Alan

Apologies for hogging your diary but I feel you are on the level with me, roulette on FOBT's, I didn't just put the odd tenner in but 'had a good go' - this roughly translates to putting in hundreds. So many times the cycle, putting in a couple of hundred, running out of the bookies to the cash point and racing back without a care who I knocked over or if I ran in front of a car.

All this so I could feed the reverse ATM.

On one occasion, putting in hundreds, running out to the cash machine, only to find that the old guy who had been watching me play but pretend to be writing out bets is on MY TERMINAL. I squandered hundreds and none of my combinations came up, then the number 20 comes up, I am thinking max up numbers 2,9,11. The next three spins are number 9,2 and 11, he had nothing on those numbers or 20p split. Now I am gutted, if only I hadn't run out of money I would have had £13 on each of the fore mentioned numbers and got my money back with a little profit.

Needless to say, the £300 I got out went into the FOBT, with no return!!!

Speak soon buddy.

Hi Alan

As you are on the level with me and you have quite a following, there is a video you may be interested in, I won't put up the link as it will get deleted. If you go to YouTube and type in Gambling Addiction - How to stop it!, it's the one that is 20:20 long. It is by a guy named Grant Mumbersome, it got deleted but is now back on, the first 10 mins or so when Grant is speaking is golden. It is this video that made me stop for 5 months.

Shaun

Thank you for your post last month Alan.

Was going to wait until tomorrow to respond, however, seen some really good posts on here recently I thought I would show some appreciation for; some from yourself so didn't seem right to leave you out today.

To answer your question about starting a diary: I thought about it in April, wouldn't rule it out in the future, happy using the forum as I am for the foreseeable. I would have probably left here if it wasn't for the great support people have given me. I'm very grateful, very loyal, there are people here like yourself who have been good to me - I won't be turning my back on them.

Shaun has you quickly figured out Alan. Good, straight-talking link.

If people are going to make videos like that for the YouTube, what I would say is that I think it's important to get the background right or the video can look a bit blank and unnatural.

That background could've done with another picture frame or two in my opinion.

Always good to hear different people's opinions on gambling addiction. Thank you Shaun.

As you know Alan, there is more than one way to fry a cod.

Not sure if there is actually...I don't eat ocean inhabitants so wouldn't know...you get the gist.

I'm more into saving the ocean - doing that provides the food many people rely on. In short we ALL need a healthy ocean for many reasons. Very, very important.

As commented on above in posts I also found #783 very strong and real. Thank you for sharing that Alan. Remember (like we could forget) our wrongs, learn from them (in a very real sense), move forward and be better is all we can do. Stephen wrote well about it on his excellent diary. It's difficult. We don't always get another chance to put things right - you did in this instance and this time 'accepted responsibility for actions'. That's real progress.

Really impressed with the strong understanding and connection you have been making with people recently...well...and before. Your posts seem to be really helping people. Good to see.

It's not an easy skill to understand, connect well with and then help people.

I like the idea of you being a foster parent Alan.

Be back tomorrow d;-)

Thank you Glint for such a lovely post , I think you truly have a gift of expression through word that I'm genuinly envious of :))

I've Been thinking long and hard about what I should put down in word's to mark my 2 yrs today of being gamble free ? ( well it's tommorow really but I'm not going to get the time to post then so I'll seize the opportunity ) .

In truth it doesn't feel a lot different than a year ago other than I've faced different challenges and experiences this year , my son graduated from Uni in June and my daughter presented me with my first Grandson , who's a handsome little bu..ger just like his grandad :)) , We had 2 of our foster kids adopted which was a little tough but letting go always is and I take solace in the fact that theyv'e now got a chance of a great future and I really wish them both well :))

I'm definately much more aware of my feelings and emotions these day's, which was something that had become deeply buried all the time I was in addictive action , I'm also aware how the actions of those around me can still trigger uncomfortable feeling's within but feel that I can now see tghose feelings unfolding in my mind and instead of running for the comfort that gambling used to afford me I realise it's just life and really isn't a biggy anymore :)).

In term's of understanding myself and why I ended up here ? Well ............I think I might have scratched the surface but have the feeling it's a lifelong project if I'm honest but as I alway's say " Were all work's in progress " so there's no real rush is there ? .

Walking past my old High street Bookie haunt's ( one of which has now closed down and I'm claiming credit for it's demise , mini fist pump go me !! ) really holds no fear anymore as in my mind Gambling was something I used to do and as I don't do that now then there's no point in frequenting those places anymore . The strange thing is that the only time I truly get any sort of urge or twinge is when I think about going to a family race day or a night at the dog's ? ......... It wasn't something we ever did a lot but it still saddens me that I could never safely do that again , even if I went along without a bean in my pocket I feel that it would rekindle the flame that's probably going to smoulder away for many years to come but TBH tha's a small price to pay for what I've gained since stopping gambling .

I was going to mark this day by packing my Gamcare bag and walking away from the forum ( wish you would , who said that ?) but I also thought about that on my first year as well and a couple of times inbetween LOL , so I'll probably still be here in 10 yrs time rambling on and spouting rubbish about how it used to be gambling in the dark ages when everything was powered by coal and as I alway's liken this place to the Eagles song " Hotel California " and the verse " You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave , I'm still here :((.

I've spoken to many many people on here over the last couple of years , some are still here and other's are not some have relapsed but many haven't and in all honesty I don't know what makes any of us stop gambling for good , we all have different way's and means of doing this and definately there's no " One size fit's all " and the biggest thing in my opinion is the " Want " to change because if you don't want something bad enough then I don't think it will happen , you may " Need " to change because things have become so bad but just ask the Question " Do I want to " ! .

I rocked up here two years ago thinking that in a few weeks or at most a couple of months I'd be cured , as though someone would put a hand on my shoulder whisper a few word's of wisdom in my ear and off I'd go on my merry way , How wrong I was eh ? .

The biggest relief was finding out I wasn't alone with my addiction , I seriously thought that everyone else in the bookies was a fine , controlled " Supergambler " but the first day on here soon blew that theory out of the water and at the same time I realised I would never be cured of my addiction but I could learn to manage and live with it , which was a huge eye opener and is a choice that I gladly make every day .

Those that I hold dearest to me were told from day one what I'd done and that truthfully was the moment that I was no longer bound by the lies and deceit that had kept me chained to gambling for so many years , I'd created a perfect little world for myself but that was the problem it was just my world and anyone else involved in my life was just playing a part, just like employing an actor but without their knowledge or consent .

They are the innocent's in all of this and I've spent many hours reading and posting on the f and f page trying to gain more of an insight into how it affect's them by what we do as Cg's and I'd alway's urge anyone on her to spend time reading the post's on that thread .

I can't change what happened in my past and I don't feel I can ever make amends , so all that leaves is my ability and determination to make sure I never put them through anything like this ever again ................

Thank you all " Old and New " posters for helping me get to where I am today and you have my everlasting thanks xx

My name is Alan and I'm a Compulsive gambler ( No bet for 2 years ) :))

Hi Alan just wanted to say thanks for being here, you know what I mean. Well done!

Enjoyed reading your posts Alan . Congratulations on 2 Years GF .....stephen

Congratulations Alan!! You are a very kind man who makes an effort to pay it forward to the struggling newbies that make their way to the forum.

Cathyx

Cathyx

My oldest mate as you know it's been absolute pleasure. I thought I would be the 1st to congratulate you on your amazing achievement but I've been out on the P**s and just got in now. I'll be honest I think I'm a day early because of that stupid leap day it should be the 8th but I'll let it slide what's a leap day between friends. Anyhow I'll send you a sober message tomorrow when a little less p*s.sed. Until then love you buddy and a massive high five.

KTF we always have in each other

Congratulations Alan! Haven't known you long but do I love your diary and posts!

Sailing through the 2 year gate, never letting your guard down, just the approach as you are welcomed into Year 3 🙂

All the very best to you!