new diary post relapse

Hi valdab,

I donot think its a good idea to take a laon and pay off your credit card.

Look 10k is alot of money , but in the scheme of thing is not the end of the world. I have a friend who never gambles but he's in excess of 70k debt through buissness failure and overspending,he's stress about it and not happy but he's working hard to make more money to pay all his debt off and improve his life.

What will happen if you get the loan approved is that you'll end up with fully loaded credit card and an affordable monthly payment. Risking further and more loss if you relapse again.

Look we all make mistakes. I am more than a year GF and still cannot get over my losses.but i have it drilled in my head now that i will always lose.so i wont try again.

Goodluck and i hope you get over this relapse soon.

Sorry to hear about your relapse.

You have recognized the phone issue and corrected that.

Have you thought about self excluding with GameStop?

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

Sorry, full of questions aren't I.

Thanks to you all for writing on my diary. Can't use gamstop unfortunately as you must be resident in UK. I tried..but was told only with UK address at the moment which is a pity. Havn't told anyone about my gambling addiction...have been going through a list of people to chose from in my head and to be honest I just dont know anyone well enough to trust right now. Came close to telling family today but there are other family issues going on at the moment and I just do not want to lay my load on them as well right now. I understand what you are saying about taking the loan...But I am thinking that the interest payments will be huge per month on a cc with 10k on it.,,,but I need to think about what you are saying a bt more as I know deep down you are possibly right. My thinking was that I could save some money whilst still paying down the loan...take it over 5 years and pay it off as soon as I can all whist still putting some money aside for that rainy day. All devices blocked now...gamban cannot be removed until expiry date and I have this set to auto renew. I really must do everything in my power now to make this the last ever relapse. If there is any good to come out of this is that one thing is for certain....this s**t ilnness certainly teaches you resiliance if nothing else. I have to go one day at a time and move forward.The shame...the embarrassment...even coming on here and admitting everything hurts...I feel so ashamed admitting this to even an online group who all understand the nature of the beast. I remember someone on here saying that you need to make the debt repayment as painfree as possible...that you still need to focus on life and not to be living such a miserable existance due to paying back debts...is it better to do this...I dont know...I need to think about it some more...Dear god...grant me the serenity for one night

I finally am going to see a councellor in the morning. I have made numerous attemts to do this previously but always backed out at the last minute. I am hoping sharing my experience with a councellor will help me somewhat. Funny that i feel I somehow cant afford the £70 fee yet had no probelm throwing money away last week on the spin of a wheel. Unfortunately I have also discovered that gamban is easily uninstalled from my phone...Seriously how difficult does everything have to be. I am in touch with the website admin who are looking for a solution. I purposefully changed my phone so that I could install it...it works briliantly on my pc and works great on phone except for the loop of being able to actually uninstall the app. I need another solution...and fast.Cant believe I got a phone call this morning offering me a free £100 bonus...I self excluded. The next phone call was from the bank about the loan...telling me what paperwork I need to process it. I am waiting on bank statement so cant do any of that just yet. Have spent the morning...crunching numbers...writing lists of positive things...and generally trying to uplight my mood. Woke up this morning in an anxious state...fretting if I had done anymore damage since the last hit.Thankfully no...and a relief...but it just shows the state of anxiety to wake up like that. I am petrified that I somehow wont manage to beat this...I think its maybe becuase of the numerous replapses...my resolve was so much stronger a few months ago...and yet I still mananged to dig the hole deeper. Anxious and nervous about tomorrows councelling...but also a bit relieved that hopefully the game is finally over for me. I have spent so long going through my phone...wondering who could I really trust to confide in....I will confide in the councellor and see what happens from there...What a battle to be facing...and all brought on 100% by myself.

Firstly, well done on self excluding.

Not sure where you are but do you have Gamblers Anonymous where you are?

I have never been but don't they have some form of sponsor program? That may help if you are able to tell friends and family at the moment.

I didn't bother with phone blocking as found I could get around without even trying.

Can you get a Nokia type old skool phone for calls and texts only, even if it's only for a while.

As for counselling, in my eyes, this is good. Helped me loads. I told absolutely everything. There was no judgement. I don't see how counselling can be effective if you are not 100% open and honest.

Yes there is GA meetig where I live but am so reluctant to go...for fear of bumping into someone I may know. That may sound like I am not 100% commited to recovery...I desperately want to recover. Maybe the councellor will persuade me that I absouelty must attend these meetings if I have to have any chance. The other biggie I need to deal with is access to money. The second i have sorted my credit card (it is maxed and actually over the limit by 1,600....which really annnoys me...not sure why a limit isnt a limit...dont understand why the bank allows payments over the agreed limit)...I am going to request that this be brought down substantially to maybe just £1k. I also noted today that I can freeze my card online and only unfreeze when I am making a purchase by phoning them...this is a good tool for me I think. I think I have an old nokia phone that still works...I dont need any data/wifi on phone....except for whatapp which I use more than messaging. But I guess its a small price to pay by moving away from online stuff...anything that can help protect me. I am gutted that gamban can be unstalled on my phone...it makes me nervous knowing that loophole is wide open. Of course I cannot gamble right now...I literally have a card that over the limit and zero savings...and barely enough left to live on til pay day which is 3 weeks away. The only way I can survive financially right now is the quit smoking...which is something that must be done anway..but I literally cannot afford to smoke and eat til pay day. So I have set up a quit smoking app...last cigarette is today when this pack is finished. Maybe tackling both addictions at once is the way forward...I dont know. Its the same compulsive disease I guess. I am feeling scared that I wont be able to do this. But I have to find a way to keep moving forward day by day. I really really hope I get a kick start from the councelling session tomorrow. This is a huge step for me.

I do get what you say about GA as I had the same reservations. I did consider going to one the next town along as I don't know anyone there.

I hope the counselling helps you as much as it helped me. Go with an open honest mind.

Good luck for tomorrow