well ya slapped a big old smile on me face just reading your post. lol yeah it maybe little steps at a time but we get there. the slips lessen and we start to see threw the fog. i feel good for ya and keep up the good work.
Hi everyone I'm back, ashamed and disgusted but determined (again) to get this monkey off my back. Will start daily (ish) entries now with a view to keeping things under control. Please forgive me for abandoning you all. I didn't have the strength. But I'm back for a new beginning. So here we go......New Me take 2!
Saturday! The dreaded day. For many gamblers it is the peak time for their compulsion/urges. Today I am determined and strong. I will hopefully be reporting back tomorrow that I have remained strong.
Six months of therapy and the gambling took really, really bad hold of me. I have been way out of control. The more I unearthed in therapy the more it churned up my compulsion. Gambled to ridiculous levels all year and I am not going to go into all the usual things I say about how disgusted I feel, hate myself etc. My soul needs respecting, not abusing. So, here I am again. Hoping to find the strength to beat my addiction. Hoping I will find within me a genuine desire to live a normal, happy life. I will post on here once a week as I don't have daily internet access. Please keep your positive thoughts coming guys. I need them like you wouldn't believe. Well, you probably would as we are all fighting our own battles. I am not a failure because I am standing up to fight again. I just need time and some encouragement from people who have walked the walk. Thank you.
So far so good, the strength to not gamble is still there. I am scoffing chocolate and all sorts of cr** like there is no tomorrow so it seems as though my unconscious mind is still wanting me to carry out some sort of destructive behaviour. I don't think I can find a battle on two fields at the moment though so all my resolve is going into keeping away from the gambling. I can tackle the binge episodes soon enough. I am determined to choose a proper and decent life over that evil b*****d of a curse that gambling is! I have not gambled for three days now and it feels like I am in control of my life. Every day from now on I choose to have a proper and decent life.
meant to say 'fight' a battle, not find. Oops!
Hi Sandy...
Just a little post as i don't normally post on diaries of GCs unless they post to me first ...I figure people have enough to contend with.
Just wanted to say that I think you are right in that sometimes digging deeper can stir up more and open more of a Pandora's box.
I have done a lot of this myself but have stuck with it and come out the other side, not so much clean but trying to get to grips with acceptance.
I remember your posts from earlier in the year and many stuck with me as I remember how you also saw this in a vivid and profound way aswell as a work in progress.
No need to reply as I don't want you to be distracted but just to say that I read a lot of people's posts but don't always respond as I feel my input may not be of use.
R and D xx
Thank you for your support R & D and it IS good to get your view on my personal battle so please don't think you are not helping.
The gentle pride inside me feels good as I think about walking past the betting shop last night on an occasion when I most definitely would have gone in. I know all about one swallow not making a summer etc and that I have to do things like this every day for ever and ever in order to consider myself through the other side. But I am proud of myself for that one thing. Nearly a week since my last gamble and feeling positive. It is just this bloody chocolate binging that I am struggling to control. But that is the nature of the saboteur that lives within me. "Not letting us gamble anymore? Ok, I'll do some other damage". I am diabetic so clearly the sugar issue has to be addressed, but I fear that if I put that into control then the gambling will re-emerge. Psychological bloody nightmare inside me is awful, but not unbeatable I now believe. And waking up today without a gambling hangover (that dreaded 'oh no, what have I done' feeling when you realise you've blown all your money AGAIN) feels so good and to put that in monetary terms - priceless!
Hi sandy,
Your post is full of determination and belief. It's great to read and see how fog is lifting and more positive thoughts start entering the mind. Psychological beating ourselves is one of the hardest thing to cope with, but as you say it is beatable. Be kind to yourself, try to calm your mind down,dont overthink the situation...what's gone is gone, and will not come back..draw a line for today and start it all again. Don't give in to dark thoughts and keep fighting back.
You are not on your own, we know how you feel. Keep posting!!
Well done for coming to a week g free!!!
Take care
Sandra
One week gamble free and I am so relieved to not have weakened today. Went past several betting shops when out shopping today and although they caught my eye I didn't weaken. I just spoke quietly to myself about choosing a decent and happy life over going in those places and I managed to keep walking by. I really want to succeed in turning my life round and that's one full week without the evil and life-wrecking addiction If I can do one week, I can do two. Thinking of all you others fighting the same battle and I wish you well and hope we can all stay strong together x
Two weeks under my belt. So relieved to have found something inside myself to help me with this battle. I coped with a couple of little wobbles on Friday and I was so glad I didn't listen to that awful voice inside me that whispers 'but you're in control now so just a little gamble wouldn't hurt'. But I had heard all those lying whispers before. Each time they led me to a gambling hangover that I hated. So I ignored them. Though where I got the strength from I have no idea. I also gambled in my sleep last night. Woke up heart pounding because of the mess I was in and the lies I was telling. MASSIVE relief when it dawned on me that it wasn't reality. What used to be my daily life was now refined to being a nightmare. The reality is that I have not gambled for two full weeks and I know you people understand how good that feels.
Another week under my belt. I have had a couple of urges to overcome, but I DID overcome them and afterwards I felt relieved to have had the strength to do so. Three weeks now. I'm quietly confident. Not that I have beat the addiction. Not a chance of that I don't think. It is a little ticking time bomb inside me. But I am quietly confident about being in control of the addiction. I decide if and when I gamble now. And my decision today is that I won't be gambling. Please pray for me if you are a believer (and I will do the same for you) and if you're not. then please send me your good wishes. Thank you. Keep on standing tall and in determined folks!
Hi all, I'm back. It's been a few years since I last posted on here and those years have been difficult. Lots of relapses and even a few suicidal episodes (thoughts/planning) and today I had a horrendous gambling session that just left me feeling like there really is no solution to this problem. I spent a few hours feeling defeated, feeling as though I was powerless to resolve this situation. I am an addict, I like playing machines, I can't stop when I start, I can't have any other life because it leaves me without money. I am now feeling that this can't be so. It cannot be impossible to stop. Lots of people must have had a bad problem with gambling and somehow managed to recover and beat the addiction? Please tell me it is possible. I have returned here tonight to read back through all my posts starting in 2012 and I can see that I had periods of time where I was so determined and doing so well. But despite having four years of therapy and losing everything I possessed (including my partner) I am sitting on the doorstep of this GamCare site, my head in my lap, refusing to accept that it is unbeatable. Tell me it is beatable, even when you have it bad. Tell me how you did it. I can't believe how addicted I am. If I can't beat this I would rather die than live the rest of my life like this. I just love it so much. It takes away far more than it brings to my life, but what it does bring is so much of a thrill that I don't know how to live without it. I need your help, your words, your advice. I can't live like this. But I don't know what the alternative is.
Morning Sandy . Great that you have returned to Gamcare and friends who can identify with your suffering .
Day 1 of a fresh start for you . I wish you well in your recovery and happier times ahead .
I am only on my 27th day gamble free but already starting to feel more positive and hopeful .
We have to put the past behind us and move on .
Take care ..... stephen
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