Its January 7th 2015 and time to start living. For the last 16 years of my life I've gambled. What started off on my 18th birthday with friends having a football bet before heading off to play football for the afternoon-has escalated and spiralled out of control.I think I've known for years Ive had a problem but always pushed it under the carpet.A brief background of myself, I'm Steve and Im 34 so gambling has been in over half of my life.I say been in my life-in effect it has been my life. I have a young family with three beautiful kids and an adoring partner.In the last ten years or so,life has been a blur and at present still is.Apart from the children I couldn't tell you much that's been good in my life and that's purely down to myself because I wake up and don't think of breakfast but what can I get my money on.Which sure thing will change my children's life today?I could write a book on the things that I feel have been bad in my life and it all stems back to one thing.Gambling and myself.My daily routine currently consists of getting the kids to school,firing up the laptop and starting work-yes I have a job,I run an online sports clothing distribution company.Unfortunately I work from home and whilst I sit and fire up my website and software, I also fire up p********r sports site and several poker sites.Thats my biggest addiction,poker. Being totally honest, I was good at the game-for those that don't understand-poker is a skill game on the whole with an element of luck,that is for the normal person. And like I say I was pretty good making a living from it,I stuck to Bankroll management,withdrew weekly as a wage and took it seriously.Without actually realising I went from this to a compulsive degenerate.The game suddenly became boring,it wasn't enough.I need the feeling of winning all the time. I don't have the patience that once served me so well anymore,I need that feeling again of instant gratification-last night we shipped 2K into a pot Preflop with 45 - not because I wanted to be clever but the fact I needed that feeling of a big win.Being totally honest I wouldn't have come off had I managed to win,I'd have done the self same thing the next hand and the next hand.Its not the game I love anymore-i seem to have forgotten what I loved about the game and now it's all about that feeling.What I seem to forget is that winning feeling albeit is good,how often have I felt it?? Not anywhere near as much as I've felt the other side of the coin.Losing every penny.My family blame my best friends Dad for this problem,basically I spent an awful lot of growing up years with and around my best friends family,who are into horses.Now he introduced me to horses and bookies, by no means is he responsible.Its down to me,especially having not seen the, for years.Although as I sit typing this,I'm wondering if somewhere along the line you head down a path that's subconsciously built in without you knowing.I definitely now have the motivation as I sit here because I don't want my children to be affected anymore by this,if they see me gambling-will they because it's the normal just like it was when I was a kid? Either way I'm not allowing it to affect my kids and family anymore indirectly or directly.My partner understands I'm a gambler and have a problem but thinks it's as easy as "we'll just stop" . It's not her fault she's just never known a gambler and doesn't fully understand it. So this is my diary.Ill be updating daily and hopefully won't be updating any blips-I'm sure I will as I'm not naive enough to think after 18years or so that I won't fall off the wagon as such.But as we speak its 12.31 , I'm in the house alone and my laptops fired up and im working yet p********r and the poker sites have not been opened.I won't lie the feeling in my head is absurdly strong and every inch of me is shouting to open them and chase back that one big win,but so far I'm shouting louder than that nagging voice in my head.No I'm not gambling today-one day at a time I uess.And were half way through now. Being extremely hard I think I'll update tonight,to give me that focus. So here's to hopefully the rest of my life,the start of my new one.One that's free of gambling,hurt and bad feeling,and one full of laughter,children and family.Wish me luck.Day 1 - part complete.
Day 1 - Coming to the end of the day now.Laptops are away and time to spend some time with the family.Probably the hardest psychological day I've ever encountered. Mind has been going like a thousand miles an hour. Started to hurt in all honesty-the thoughts to log on and play were mind blowing and I didn't realise how bad it can become. What if today was the day? Surely my times come?I deserve it? Well no today isn't my day-it is my day to start a new beginning.My time has come but to enjoy family and beat this and no I don't deserve it. No more than the thousands in similar shoes. That big win I would have already had already if I never gambled,...so I'm not going to dwell on ifs and buts and maybes.So I've dealt with Day 1 as hard as it's been and looking forward to my future.Still early days but one day is such a huge step for me.Heres to tomorrow and the hopes the voice and urges get quieter or do as they are told and go away!!! Day 1 Success.
Hi Steve & a massive welcome to recovery 🙂 Brilliant work choosing No today & it will get easier, I promise!
I have had a read through your other posts & don't see any mention of blocking software which a lot of online users swear by! It helps break the Time-Money-Location triangle, taking away just one element takes away the ability to gamble!
My poison is fruit machines (or slots as everyone seems to call them now) & I escalated from the penny pushers to the FOBT's over the space of about 3 decades! Although I had a different focus, I too lost sight of the value of money, except of course when I had to shop & I could save a few pence by switching brands?!? I'd carry on playing a machine even after winning a £500 jackpot usually because I'd put more than that in it but equally, sometimes because I just wanted more! Towards the end, there were days when I walked out winning (there must have been) but invariably I was only walking because the place was closing & I'd then plot how to get straight back the next day! The only thing that ever stopped me was running out of funds!
Today was your day & you can do this for you & your family - ODAAT
Thank you ODAAT - nice to hear from someone.Im sure your right it will hopefully become easier in time.
I aren't/wasn't aware of any blocking software. Ill google that now and get some sorted. Ive tried the usual self exclusion but its too easy to create a new account. New bank details,different payment method etc. The software sounds like a godsend.
I totally understand where your coming from with only leaving when skint or shops are closing. Can i ask how long you've been gamble free?Are you doing ok?
Thank you for the advice and the response,its given me a real boost at the end of a decent but hard day knowing that there are people out there who understand and want you to do well aswell.
Thank you
Steve
Hi Steve, everyone on here understands unfortunately, it's why we're here! Just some people take a long time to pluck up the courage to post & there are lots of threads running for those of us that do - there will be others popping by, I am sure!
The blockers do sound great, K9 I think is the free one but a phone call to Gamcare will help I'm sure if the Internet hasn't turned up anything!
Over the 150 day mark now & it's getting easier & easier! As the name suggests, I am still doing it One Day At A Time & accept that I may be for the rest of my life but that's fine coz I'll take this over gambling anyday!
We all want everyone to beat these Demons just the way you are - ODAAT
Fantastic ODAAT, that's incredible to have gone so long,long may it continue.Im glad you said it gets easier :).Ive just downloaded K9 thank you for the advice,my wife's set it up as it needed controls and passwords.Shes confident it has stopped everything gambling site wise and downloads.So fingers crossed. Hope to speak agin soon mate. Thanks Steve
Day 2
Well it's Day 2, and coming up to tea time.Kept myself busy today,went and bought some laminate flooring,which occupied the morning.Although as I sat eating breakfast in a greasy spoon,I unfortunately was caught staring longingly across the table....through the window to a High street Bookies.The big blue shop front,shouting me.Luckily the women serving was a bit of a creature and her screaming of "two full English" brought an abrupt halt to what I was thinking.Thankfully.So we're 4.15pm and the family are home.So now some time with kids before tea,hopefully occupies me till bedtime.Day 2 nearly complete.Urges still ridiculous but managed to stay busy.Tomorrow should be a really busy day laying the floor so hopefully we can get another day down. Day 2 DONE 🙂
Hi Steve, well done on 2 days, stay strong and keep going, soon be day 3,
Suzanne x
Thanks Suzanne, means alot.
You too,just found your diary. Sounds like its going brilliantly - keep going.x
Day 2 Update.
Probably shouldn't be posting this considering it's slightly off track,but wanted to document everything to do with this journey.Having thought I'd made real progress,and had the support of family in dealing with it.My partner just came back from her mums house and on her mums advice has decided to leave. I posted she didn't really understand gambling addictions and that people want to stop.Her families advice is the same-gamblers never stop...leave now. So unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse....I can't blame her or family....would be nice had they taken time to study the condition rather than stereotype how things and gamblers were back in the 80s on which her mums ideas are based.Also slightly annoying that she hasn't left sooner,but to wait till I'm hopefully starting a clean.But nothing I can do at the minute,so struggling just to go gamble out of spite now.I know it's not the answer and hopefully don't give in.Ill check in again in the morning.
Mate, rubbish news (I think you were right to get it on here) but the only person gambling will spite is you! You have to be better than that so that whoever has made this decision for her isn't able to turn round & say "I told you so!"
I'm not going to offer any advice on the relationship front but I am here supporting you!
Will check in tomorrow too!
Day 3
Thanks ODAAT,
Well that was a long night! Finally nodded off at around 5am.Must have sat staring at the laptop and iPad most of that time-and despite opening a poker site and online casino for the iPad and just sitting and watching, I managed not to play or deposit.I came close to be honest but Thankfully I didnt.It would have only proved people right.Irrespective of what happens with my partner-I aren't giving in for my kids and ME.Productive morning at work with some new clients placing orders has kept me busy and we're now 1.43 and about to lay some flooring-that should keep me busy now till this evening.Onwards and Upwards.
Well done for getting through the night mate - you are right you have to do this for your kids but most importantly for you! Don't prove the mother-in-law right - Not this time! You have to be strong if you want to try & salvage this! The addiction loves it when you are feeling down & will hit you over & over with urges trying to get you to crumble. The addiction doesn't care that gambling this time will hurt more than it has ever hurt before! The addiction doesn't care but we do!
Can you not get a blocker for that device? If not leave it with a friend, neighbour or somewhere that you can't get to it! Willpower alone is a hard way to stay in recovery & now more than ever, you need to do this- ODAAT
Thanks again ODAAT, your so right. Thank you the support means so much.We. Got the blocker for laptop but we never figured about the kids IPad.About to sit down with a coffee and try and see if there is one. Would be nice knowing there is no way of getting on that too.
Hi NT, thanks for posting,definitely want to join you :). How are you getting on? Has it been a while?
Day 4
Been and done my usual routine on a Saturday morning,went to town centre, had a wander round shops,bought dinner from Greggs as per normal.Had an argument over why they have stopped selling Apple turnovers again!! Every Saturday it's the same,once I've got my sandwiches and cream cakes for the afternoon it's on to Billy's normally.The big blue shop. However not today,I haven't been today which I thought was going to be the let down day.Saturdays are huge normally.Honestly.....I did have to change my route walking back home and it added ten minutes to the journey in this weather but was worth it. But unsure what to do now to be honest,I don't know really wether I'm allowed/is it a good idea to watch any of what I normally watch...ie racing,football.Wondering if it's just a bad idea to have any reminders at the minute. So another good hurdle done this morning.Going to buy some new darts later,always get the urge to play when I see how bad they are on BBC2. That should then take me till past 5 and the main stay of the day done.
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