No looking back

Stupidly tried getting round blocks tonight, thank the lord there super tight, I gave up and got my letter out and read how the last gambling binge made me feel. And I'm so glad I'm not feeling that on top of what I'm already feeling right now. I've been in bed since 10.30, its now 4am and I still haven't been able to fall asleep. Mind can be a horrible place.! Kids will have me up in 3 hours if not before. But thankfully I will be waking up without that disgusting just after gambling feeling. I WONT try getting around the blocks again. Its not what I want, its just the escape I so desperately crave especially nights like this when I just can't sleep.

Hi Stace,

I'm sorry your finding things very difficult lately. I'm open ears if you want to share and get of your chest. Have you got close family to support you through your struggles. I know you have mentioned Dec alot of times and that you want it to come around.. . Is this causing the stress to heighten regarding the money that needs to be paid back.

I'm glad that the blocks prevented you and well done for facing your letters to keep you grounded and realise having the moment gambling is not worth the after effects.

Just remember,  your not alone and you can do this. Your over 7 weeks gamble free ? 7 weeks where your money is still with you and not in the pockets of the slot sites. I know until your debts are paid you may not notice it so much but just think of the difference come Dec, no more debt and you can enjoy your life. Dont let gambling overcome you and try and take the future what you plan with your children and hubby away from you again

Stay strong and take care x

Gambling/mental health/debt can end peoples lives. 

I'm leaving, I hope everyone does well in there recoveries.

Much love, stace

Stace, just seen your post, what's happened, hope your ok x

Hello Stace,

Your forum post is somewhat ambiguous and has caused concern among some forum members.  

If you mean that you are leaving the forum for now, then we wish you well, and we hope that you find the support that you feel suits you best at this time.

If your forum post is intended to indicate that you are experiencing suicidal feelings, then we hope that you stay safe and use NHS mental health services to get help with these feelings.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/help-for-suicidal-thoughts/

Take care,

Adam.

Not much to say. 

Day 5.

Il get there one day hopefully if I can just get this head sorted 

Stace xx

Don't give up. It's never too late.

Al

Hi Stace, although your now back to day 5 think positive, you came straight back and straight back to it. Hope it wasn't a bad relapse. Keep it up x

Hi secret, no it wasn't too bad, I suppose every relapse is bad but in the sense of money, it made me struggle during the week but I'm ok again now. I will never say I'm 'never' going to gamble again, as I feel.like I jinxed myself ? but I will try my hardest every single day not to.!

Not looking for excuses, but my mental health really does play a huge part in my gambling. I have many mental health diagnosis but the ptsd and unstable personality disorder are the hardest to cope with. One minute I can be ok , the next I'm ready to end it. Its all completely out of my control, my behaviour can be very unpredictable and impulsive. I've tried so many things over the past couple years to get better but nothings worked, or only worked for a short time. This past week I'd say really has been my rock bottom, my psychiatrist has now put me on antipsychotic injections, had my first one yesterday. And also sorting out emdr therapy. I'd never heard of either of these things til a few days ago, and although I was very unsure about the injections, I will try absolutely anything to get better. These injections are mainly to help get rid of my dark intrusive thoughts ??, thoughts that are terrifying and i wouldn't wish them in my worst enemy .

I've not been going out the house, so today I'm taking the kids to finish getting school stuff, don't need much, only 1 pair of shoes, 2 bags, 1 skirt and 1 folder left to get. Once there out the way, were going to the park then a McDonald's treat for them. Theyve been little troopers this week when things have been hard, they've not moaned once. 

So hopefully now the only way is up, dont think it's possible to sink lower than I have this week..

So think I'm on day 6 gf. I've also managed to reduce the payments on the thing that was really getting to me, and a couple have even ended, so thats a huge pressure lifted.

Stace

Hi Stace,

Glad it wasn't too much damage but well done for getting straight back on here and trying again. You could of easily carried on but you made the right choice.

I'm glad that your now being offered more treatment to help you,  sometimes it's trial and error to get the right medication that suits you personally. I can totally understand your struggles, my mum suffers with bipolar and bpd, she also gambled because she gets  highly addicted to things like shopping, gambling and so on.

Well done on day 7, I'm also glad that you have managed to relive some stess in relation to the debts,  hopefully that will help your mood now.

Good luck

Kate x

Sorry Al, I hadn't seen your comment til now, thankyou. Hope your well.

Thanks secret. 

X

Hi,

I am well & 1116 days GF, but don't think for a minute I haven't had bad days when things have gone wrong in my life. I know how hard it is when you feel you're swimming against the tide & getting sucked back in. I think it was a great idea writing down feelings & remembering how you felt whenever you relapsed. One of my most vivid & shameful memories was the day my son got his teaching degree & was presented with it at Uni on graduation day. I fully intended being there to share his moment of joy but as per usual was gambling, got deeper & deeper in debt and managed to convince myself I'd win it back. Then it was a case of I HAD TO win it back and of course missed what should have been of been one of the proudest moments of my life as a father. Even today I could cry thinking about it.

Escaping a gambling addiction is every bit as hard as being a drug addict, & having a dealer on every street corner. I used to try & shut that memory of my son's graduation out of my mind but it's true and it happened. Now I use it & whenever I even think about gambling I ask myself " YOU WANT TO GO BACK THERE ? "

Best

Al

You are so right al , and its something I don't want to miss out on. My eldest turns 15 end of September, there growing fast , and over the past 5/6 years because of gambling,  I've missed so much. I know with determination I can turn this around..  I feel like I'm finally getting the mental health support I really needed, trying things I havent even heard of before, but I will, I will try anything to get myself back to a happy place. I don't want the world, all I want is to be gamble free and happy with happy children. I can do it, I know I can, if I try really hard. Which I am doing. I just want my family life back to how it was, were I had savings, was happy and was actually enjoying my life. Not this depressed mess I've become. 

I'm hoping things will start to improve for me now.

I'm glad your well and its amazing how long you've been gamble free for. Massive achievement for you.

Stace

When I first stumbled across gambling, never in my wildest dreams would I of imagined the mess id end up in..the affect it would have on my life, my relationship,  my children, my friendships, my physical health, mental health. Every aspect of my life, affected by gambling. I can't wait for the day were I can look back on this time of my life and know I overcame it. Its truly destroyed me. 

Day 10 gf

My issue at mo is GUILT. How do you get rid of the guilt ?