No looking back

Hey Stace 

Have just read through your posts

I have not been on in such a long time - how time flies 

I am so pleased for you to see how well you have come in all aspects of life. 

I have always admired your honesty with your journey and how you always helped others even when you were struggling. 

Take care 

Holly 

xx 

Ahh holly, thankyou.

I hope your doing ok ??

So yesterday whilst the kids were in school me and my partner decided to have some time together. We paid to go down some mines, it was so scary but so good. Afterwards we went through a gift shop to get out and I picked up 5 different coloured bracelets for my kids. It was so nice to be able to do that. Something gambling had put a stop to. Just something so little like that, I couldn't do whilst gambling. It really made me smile and the smile on the kids faces were priceless.

I feel like I've come a long way in my recovery. I got to my point were enough was enough. I'm really enjoying my life right now. Yes I have down days, who doesn't, but I'm so better equipped to deal with those days now. I'm in a better head space and not gambling has helped massively. 

To anyone struggling to stop, don't give up. I can't even count the amount of times I relapsed and didn't give it my all, until recently. And I'm not going to say il never gamble again, as when I've said that in past , I always have ended up relapsing, what I will say is I'm taking each day as it comes, one day at a time and for today I won't gamble. I shall do this everyday. I'm also not counting my days, as personally for me, I found it too much pressure. But I think its on my profile here. My blocks are tight and I feel stronger than ever. Never thought my life would be good again, I never gave up fighting , and am so glad I didn't.

Stay strong all ?

Gamble free and happy ? 

Had a dream about gambling the other night. I woke up and honestly believed I had gambled. I woke my partner and told him I was scared to check the bank. Not know if I had gambled or not, he was still so supportive. We checked the bank together and were both relieved to see I hadn't. He told me he was proud of how well I'm doing in all aspects of my life and it got me thinking about the day that I finally snapped and vowed never to gamble again. I'm ready to share that day, as its the day I stopped gambling , the day I was truly broken and felt I only had 2 choices left in my life,  to either give up completely or fight.....from my depths of despair,  I chose to fight........

I'm not counting days anymore, it seems to put too much pressure on me so I'm not sure how many days gf I am, I know I've not gambled all summer so it was July that I last did. I was in a desperately bad place mentally, I was so unwell and struggling bad. I had a really bad morning, I was feeling low, suicidal and stressed. I wrote a shopping list for my partner ,as when he finished work he was going food shopping. We only had enough money for our food shop and nothing spare. He goes to asda and Iceland, there 20 mins away in car from were we live. He came home, got the list, and went. I don't even know what came over me but I deposited a tenner, convinced I'd win it back and withdraw before he got to asda. I lost it so kept depositing. I was looking at the clock, my heart was racing, I was getting angry with myself but I could stop. Or wouldn't stop. I ended up spending the money that was for Iceland. I have no idea how I managed to not gamble the asda money. I rang my partner as he was in Iceland, with a trolley full, telling him I had gambled and there was no money left in bank for what he had in the trolley. He was fuming. Luckily we had money on our Iceland card, and he used that,  we were saving on that for Christmas.  I was at rock bottom. I rang my mental health team and agreed to go on medication they had been trying for months to get me on. How was I that selfish, that I was willing to let my partner be humiliated in the shop and my kids go without food. This was my rock bottom. My worse day. The day that I sat alone, scared, crying and thinking of ending it. I thought about everything, whether I even deserved to have a place on earth anymore. I was dreading my partner getting home, and when he did, he didn't speak to me. It was awful. There and then I decided to fight. I wanted to live. I wanted to see my beautiful kids grow up. I deserved a life. I deserved to be happy. And I deserved a chance to prove I could change. I got gamban back on my devices. Cut up the bank card, apologised to my partner and wrote how I felt in my personal diary. Something in me snapped. I deserved to be happy and gf. I vowed to fight hard and fight I did. 

Over 7 weeks later I can't even begin to explain how different my life is. I'm much better mentally. I'm gamble free. My family is happy and I'm gamble free. I'm now living not just existing and I'm so truly greatful to those professional in my life who have helped me. Thankyou gamcare. Thankyou for always being there, for supporting me and helping me when I couldn't help myself. I'm truly forever greatful.

*I'm finally happy ? 

@stace Hi Stace, its been a while since I've logged on here, working another job now aswell as my own for extra money for my hols and the ever growing bills we are all facing ?.

Glad to hear your doing well over the summer since your rock bottom moment. I know its probably been hard to reflect on what you did but keep playing it back will certainly stop you ever doing that again. I know previously you did have relapses but looking at a positive side maybe all those other times wasn't your total rock bottom if you get me. Knowing you possibly prevented food on the table for your children will keep sparing you on. Very proud of you for the past 7 weeks, keep on going ? 

Hi stacexxxx,

You may have gone from a strong position, seeing family more, spending money on kids, driving lessons, looking to become a counseller by doing a new college course...... And then gambled?

But if you did gamble? It doesn't take these positives away...... You're still in that better position.....that money didn't take that away.

Like I've said before it's not the number of gamble free days you're on it's the continuing to battle everyday when you wake up to not....

Get that money to a loved one for safe keeping then it's not in temptations way.

Carry on looking towards ur dream of one day driving to ur counselling position on a summer's day with the windows down thinking of how far you've come.

I remember that stace five or six years ago in a cold house with no heating, struggling and emotional..... With a love for ur kids uve come Soo far and have fought to recover and you have we have come Soo far.... .

Lots of love Adam xxxx

Wow been a while since I clicked on my diary, not sure why. Thankyou secret and adam for your posts.

Well my life has been a roller coaster and a half to say the least. To keep it short (as I'm not dwelling on it) I went from extremely happy, to sad and gambling again to finally feeling back to normal. Got lots going on but I'm coping OK right now. Put more blocks in place, partner got new bank card so I don't have the details. I'm down for more counselling with Ara and I'm feeling blessed. I'm greatful for things that other people arnt so lucky to have. I just read someone else's diary and she had listed things shes greatful for, so im going to do the same. So I can see it written down.

I'm greatful for...

1.my partner, I'm so lucky to have such an amazing hard working partner who I've been with for 20 years, who loves me and I love him. He never gives up on me

2.my children. Without them I'm nothing. There truly my world, and I love them dearly

3.my family and friends. I'm lucky enough to have a close family who are very supportive. I only have a few good friends, but they to are amazing 

4.my home. I'm lucky enough to have a roof over my head. I can afford gas, electric, bills, food when so many are struggling

5.my driving. I'm ready to start a new chapter. With some freedom. Will be taking my test in a month

6.have a very supportive network of professionals around me and have over come my psychosis with the help of my antipsychotic injection

I'm lucky. I may struggle at times, but I'm actually very lucky

Counting my blessing xxx

@stace Hi, great list of things to be grateful for @stace.  Look after yourself and keep well.  

I like your new outlook.

You are one amazing person to bounce back as you have, not everyone can do that.

And to have a partner so supportive is the icing on the cake!

Look at the positives as you have just done and life looks very different doesn't it?

Smash it Stace.